Monday, September 26, 2005

Seeing Eye Dogs Are More Badass Than 10 Million Wombats in Heat.

Every time there's a big tragedy like 9/11 or hurricanes with names that aren't Emma, there's one aspect to the recovery effort that goes largely overlooked: the dogs. Remember those dogs that searched for bodies in the rubble of the World Trade Center and how they got their paws cut up from glass? They are my I suspect there are rescue dogs doing similar things in New Orleans right now, and aren't getting any props for it. Yes, they're dogs. They're doing what they're trained to do, but damned if they're not badass in the process.
On that note, I HEART SEEING EYE DOGS. For some reason, I see them on the subway all the time helping their owners get to a seat in the crowded cars, and I swoon. I really want to pet them and offer words of encouragement, but the sign on their back says not to. They are nobleness defined. I need to stop gushing about this, I'm becoming Oprah.


So today, the most ridiculous/incredible thing I have ever witnessed as a human being took place in the dog run in Washington Square. A seeing eye dog led a blind woman into the run. She took his leash off so he could get some down time, I suppose. Being a seeing eye dog and loyal like the wolf, the dog sits quietly down next to her. (SWOON ALERT) This lovely scene was butchered by a horny beagle, who tried to FUCK the seeing eye dog while it was on duty. Was it serious? It's a fucking seeing eye dog! There has to be some sort of unspoken canine rule that you don't stick your doggy ding dong in a seeing eye dog anus. Ridiculous. So the seeing eye dog, proving its badass mettle, gets really pissed and gnashes its teeth at the beagle. At this point, three other dogs come over to try to fuck the dog. It was sickening beyond all things. Meanwhile, the blind woman is really confused, because she hears her dog getting really pissed and I felt bad for her. The seeing eye dog kicked MAJOR MAJOR ass though, fighting off all three dogs and scaring the living shit out of them. THEN, in the most ridiculous thing ever, the fucking owners of the horndogs tell the blind woman to leave or move away from their dogs because it's causing a "disturbance." ???? YOUR DOGS TRIED TO FUCK A SEEING EYE DOG!!! It's the equivalent of me (or Crazy Mego) trying to rape a firefighter as he's trying to rescue a baby from a burning building. Eat shit, beagle. How many doggy anuses are around you? Go ejaculate into one that isn't doing a service to mankind. Bitch. Ooh. Pun.

I almost want to gouge my eyes out with searing irons so I can have one.

<3 times infinity.

OH MY GOD. You are ALL Nobility Bojangles.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Warren Beatty and Cindy Sheehan Should Have a Baby. And Name it Bugsy Bulworth Bojangles.

Warren Beatty is incredibly hot. He's in that elite group of men with Harrison Ford that seems to get more sexified as the years go on and his skin becomes more taut on that fine jawline. However, he's batshit and I can't think of a decent movie he's made since Dick Tracy. Which makes sense though, because he has oddles of time now to lay the smackdown on Arnold "Austrian Sex Machine" Swartzenegger at nursing conventions. (Hat tip: Instapundit)
Actor Warren Beatty leveled a blistering political assault on Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger on Thursday night, accusing him of governing "by show, by spin, by cosmetics and photos ops" while imposing Bush administration policies on California.

How do you think that YOU have a career? Jesus. You're lucky you're hot.
Beatty, a Democrat and longtime political activist who has been mentioned as a possible challenger to Schwarzenegger next year, did not announce his candidacy as many in the boisterous crowd had hoped. But he indicated he hadn't ruled out a run, and said he would continue to speak out on important issues.

"I believe if a private citizen is able to affect public opinion in a constructive way he doesn't have to be an elected public servant to perform a public service," Beatty said.

I'm sorry, WHAT is private about Warren Beatty? I can't stand it when celebrities do this. You are NOT a private citizen, you have access to more cameras than real politicians, and apparently more media exposure.
Schwarzenegger spokeswoman Margita Thompson said "we don't care that much about Warren Beatty, and based on his ticket sales from the past generation, I doubt anyone else does either."

Hah! Hell, I'd vote for Arnold based on just hiring that spokeswoman. Wait, what HAS Warren done lately? Lets investigate.
Wow. Nothing. There was the wretched Bulworth, which I devoted part of an Overrated Movie entry to, and then in 2001 there was something called Town and Country. Are those crickets I hear?

Go make Dick Tracy 2 and make yourself useful.

Oh, and since we now know that there are complete strangers that lurk and read the blog (SO badass), who thinks I should put Warren Beatty in the stud notebook? Hmm...I wonder if I could get that online somehow...oh man. That's for another entry.

Saturday, September 24, 2005

New York is Anti the Ice Cream of the Future

I thought long and hard about whether it was worth it to even publicize this matter, but since many of my loyal readers hail from New York and probably get occasional ice cream cravings, I feel I am doing society a favor in relating this tale. For the last few months or so, Devra and I have been desperately trying to track down an establishment that sells Dippin' Dots, the ice cream of the future. For those of you who have never gone on a pilgrimage to a suburban mall, they look like this:

They're incredible. I haven't had them in years. It's just ice cream in the form of dots. Logic suggests that the cost of producing dotted ice cream is a bit more considerable than, say, making regular ice cream, which may be one of the reasons that this amazingness has yet to catch on. However, the fact remains that it's fucking good's in the form of dots.

About two months ago, Devra located the official Website for the Dippin' Dots, which conveniently included a list of all of its locations in the country. According to the New York directory, there was one at Yankee Stadium, one at the Mets Double-A affiliate in Binghamton, one on Ninth Ave, one at Radio City and one at the Hudson River piers off of 42nd St. This mission was postponed for several weeks, as commitments to society dominated the itinerary et cetera.

Approximately three weeks ago, we decided to go to Burger Joint at the Le Parker Meridian on 57th St, which I heartily recommend, as it's in a secret location and has Christine Lahti's autograph on its wall. Also, the bovine is juicy. Ooh, quick poll: Does anyone think I should start another blog called Bovine Goodness that would document my life-long quest for the perfect cow? Why am I even bothering. No one actually comments on my blog ever. Because my readers possess several cunty qualities. Scowl. Anyway. We ate our cows and realized that we were pretty close to the Dippin' Dots on Ninth Avenue. I won't bore you with the many trivial, high schoolish details of the adventure, but we discovered that its location was boarded up, and there was no Dippin' Dots. No one was pleased.

Before I forget, there is NO WAY I would even consider going into Yankee Stadium to get this ice cream. If I did, I would be wearing full Mets regalia, and would be butt-raped within seconds of entering the venue. Fuck them, they have enough of the taxpayer's money without my $30 ticket contribution. Though if someone paid for my ticket and...protected me from rectal penile penetrations, I would reconsider my stance. Also, the Binghamton stadium is hours away, and I'm not made of money. Fuck that as well.

Several days after the Ninth Avenue debacle, Devra and I decided to try and get into Radio City to sample their dotty wares. Unfortunately, this excursion coincided with the BET fashion show, which meant I got an eyeful of Kelly Rowland (did she make a song with Nelly a few years ago where she called him a boo? when did it become 'in' to start calling people boos? make note: i am going to release a crappy r&b song called...'my (insert cliche ghost saying).' literally. it's going to be called that, and i'll wear a scooby doo bandaid and get sued by nelly for copying his look. word.) So the whole area around Radio City was full of blinged out black people with Humvees and Hummer limos, and they were looking at my puffy vest and sneering. Clearly, the puffy vest does not rate with black socialite cunty people during Fashion Week. Our choices were limited. They were obviously not going to let us wander around Radio City, but I DID bike 44 blocks to get there, so something had to be done. I approached one of the ushers at the front (with Devra tittering in the background) and asked him where the Dippin' Dots was. He looked at me blankly. I explained that they were dots of ice cream, ergo the ice cream of the future. More blank gaping. Then I launched into a prepared statement about how my friend and I went on the official Website and saw that Radio City was listed as a location for the said dots. Even though he had no idea what the dots were, he was at least starting to get a basic sense of what I was babbling about. He shook his head vehemently. "We only sell Radio City shirts." "But...the site said..." "No. We don't have it. Are you feeling okay?" (emphasis mine) What a CUNT. Now, it's possible that the official site got it wrong, such things happen. They didn't update the closing of the Ninth Ave one. But why is it assumed that I must be SICK IN THE HEAD because I think Radio City sells Dippin' Dots? Later on, Devra and I realized that the best strategy would have been to have mentioned Fink, the drag queen who used to be employed at Radio City until last month. However, we didn't, the official word is that there is no Dot Goodness at the Music Hall, so we were basically at square one again.

Fuck Radio City and its non-dots.

Dear Boo, you will never be Beyonce.

After this second failure, I relegated myself to never tasting the futuristic ice cream again, unless I summoned up the courage to go into the Bridgewater Commons Mall. Which I won't do, because there's probably a shitload of people from my high school that still go there, as no one ever leaves Hunterdon County. It's a cesspool. I am a success

About a week after this dreadfulness, Devra announces that there IS a Dippin' Dots at the piers, which, if you'll recall, was the last Manhattan location on the official site. She actually went to the trouble of calling Circle Line Cruises and getting the confirmation. So we go, though it's a huge mother hassle because it requires switching subway lines and whatnot, but troopers we are. Of course we get there and the place is closed. I was ornery like the wolf.

THEN, last Saturday, Malsta calls me and says that there is a Dippin' Dots on 14th and 2nd next to the Nathan's. Huge news. Devra and I go. The dots are melted. I pay $3 for what looks like regular melty ice cream that's the color of the urine from a dehydrated person, aka nasty.

So if you are like me and enjoy dotted ice cream, New York is not the place for it. This shit will tear you a new asshole if you let it. Fuck the dots. I'm done.

On to important things. We are in serious negotiations to get the most amazing interview subject in the face of human existence. There was quite a bit of positive feedback from our interview with Bobbie Ragsdale, and while this subject does not have...the credibility of a West Point cadet, almost everyone knows this person, they're basically famous, and they have agreed to do an interview. It's just a matter of setting up an appropriate time to converse with them.

Perhaps I can tantilize you with a snapshot of our impending interviewee:

Yeah, that's right. We are interviewing MR BALL. What what.

Update: 1:15 AM
Devra is a traitor like no other. She just went to a Bar Mitzvah and ate Dippin' Dots. Since I will always be a cunty high schooler at heart, this means I'm going to the piers one of these days and getting dots without her. This hurts my soul. It's the equivalent of someone going to Hillary's house in Westchester to stalk her for a few days and NOT bringing me along. Or having an Arnold Schwarzenegger marathon without me. Or having a Moldy Stuffed Animals from Childhood Convention and not acknowledging Big Bear. Hiss.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Why the Emmys Hurt My Soul and Devra and Emma Do Not Love Raymond or Boston Legal.

Originally, this post was called Liveblogging the Emmys, and I attempted to insert various updates about the sweaty actors behind Sean Hayes and Mariska sightings. Unfortunately, Devra called me and I got distracted, so the liveblogging really turned to shit around 8:32. Now, some will say that I have no journalistic integrity for deleting the previous content. However, I say the highest form of journalistic integrity involves replacing crap with respectable blogness, so you can get your mammaries nipped by a mongoose for all I care.

Yeah, that's the one.

I LOVE awards shows, at least the ones that mean something in the basest of pop culture terminology. This means that I covet the Academy Awards like my unborn fetus, and that I metaphorically piss on the Soul Train Shitfest. The Emmys are amazing because sometimes they recognize that Law and Order: SVU has the most talented Hungarian actress in the history of all things, the Golden Globes make me swoon because it puts my favorite actors from tv and the movies in one room with a ton of alcohol, and the Academy Awards rock because the Academy and I both believe that critically acclaimed dramas are the bombdiggity.
To recap, that's:



Incidentally, if you type in critically acclaimed dramas on Yahoo Image Search, the first picture is Mark Paul Gosselar. Which killed me. Anyway.

If you go on the Yahoo homepage, their Emmy headline is "Television's Best Honored at Emmy Awards." No. No they were NOT. I had so many beefs with this fucking thing, I don't even know where to start. Everybody DOES NOT love Raymond. I'm sorry, that show is horrible and unfunny. It should be a British comedy. I have seen two episodes of this colossal crap, and I have seen my mother paint the garage. The latter was infinitely more amusing, although part of that was because someone spraypainted Wutang on the side of it and my dad thought it was a gang symbol and almost killed someone at the mall who had a Wutang shirt on because he thought they were part of the gang that defaced our garage. Heh. See? So much funnier than Ray Romano. Except 30 million people apparently disagree with me. Wait, I'm going to ask some people online why they like this fecal matter.

These are the fruits of my labor:
MyDadIsAWeenie: do you like everybody loves raymond
QuietAmerican283: no

MyDadIsAWeenie: do you like everybody loves raymond
WeHateAllMovment: what little I've seen of it is insanely corny

MyDadIsAWeenie: do you like everybody loves raymond
Lady kim1: no

MyDadIsAWeenie: do you like everybody loves raymond
njw4: not really

MyDadIsAWeenie: do you like everybody loves raymond
Nicole7652: ehhhhhhhh

I didn't even bother asking Devra, since I was on the phone with her when they won Best Comedy, and I heard firsthand the string of expletives coming out of her mouth.
Which brings us to the next point: none of my friends like this show. I don't know anyone that likes this show. And yet... Just when I was convinced that there was a massive conspiracy underfoot to relegate the funny shows I like to the trash heap, I decided to ask my Arch-Nemesis, Looby, her opinions on the show. I was rewarded like the wolf.

MyDadIsAWeenie: do you like everybody loves raymond
Starlight 1162: yeah

Now, I'm still not sure what this means, but if Looby likes it, that means that other people that are anti-Emma probably love this show too, and that could conceivably number in the millions. The mystery is solved.

Back to why I hate the Emmys.
It starts off with this ridiculous Earth, Wind and Fire song that makes no sense whatsoever, and then they got someone even WORSE than them to finish it off: the Black Eyed Peas. Now, if the Peas had done 'Hey Mama' or something kickass like that, I would have been mollified. However, they just continued with the improvisational shit that no one in the audience, much less me, understood. Then Ellen comes on. Now, I heart Ellen, she's totally badass. She rocked in "Finding Nemo" and "EdTV." But she stumbled out of the gate on this one, and almost lost it about two minutes in. It was roughness defined. She did come back towards the end, but not before I had winced six times. I counted.
Then she did a whole bunch of weird things that make no sense. When they would come back from commercial, she would be wandering around with fake parrots and shit. It reminded me of when I was the school mascot during a basketball game and for halftime, I rolled across the gym. It creeped everyone out, amused the one friend that dared me to do it, and ended my tenure as the mascot. It was a bit like that, except Ellen can't hide behind a terrier costume.
So the awards themselves left much to be desired. They had this dumb thing called Emmy Idol where they got celebrities to dress up and sing a "loved" tv theme song. I think it was loved, but it was definitely supposed to be good, which none of them were. Fame was the only decent one in the bunch, but nobody hummed the theme to LA Law or sang Mr. Ed. That would have fucking made it for me. The fucking American public picked Green Acres, I suspect because they were treated to the novelty of watching Donald Trump in overalls cover it, but I come from the old school of tv theme song afficionados, and that's not how we roll. William Shatner was amazing in that want-to-stuff-my-head-in-my-pants-and-inhale-deeply way. Ew.
Neither Mariska Hargitay or Hugh Laurie won, which makes little to no sense. They were far and away the best in their categories, and yet fucking Patricia Arquette and James Spader won. The Medium fucking sucks my ass, and Boston Legal wishes it was Ally McBeal. When is Mariska going to get her recognition? This is getting out of hand. Hugh Laurie is a matryr in my eyes. Of...amazing performances that went unheralded. So he's basically on top of a pillar with Winona Ryder in the six movies she should have been given an Academy Award for. I give up.
Just so you don't think I'm totally cynical, I enjoyed bits and pieces. I liked watching Tom Brokaw, he is the classiest of all things. I loved watching Ben Affleck stare into space, Charlize Theron jump up like a battery-powered Pound Puppy anytime someone mentioned The Life and Death of Peter Sellers, and the speeches by S. Epatha and Felicity Huffman. I heart people who clearly didn't think they were going to win, and didn't come off as cunty cuntsacks on stage. Way to be. I'm probably missing something key. Ummmm. Oh, I went out to get more water and missed Mariska presenting aka the one time she was on stage. That sucked. And they didn't hire Kathy Griffin for the red carpet, a grievous error.

Saturday, September 17, 2005

I Haven't Cried That Much in Theaters Since Arnold Died As a Human for the First Time in End of Days.

There are a select group of movies with predictable plotlines that pander to the inner child that used to get picked on mercilessly in elementary school and hasn't gotten a suitable opportunity to release the frustration of having no friends in first grade because they licked a tree on a dare and were considered mentally ill. That movie is "Just Like Heaven." Now, I LOVED this movie. If you're in a receptive mood, this shit will tear you up inside and make one Jocelyn very uncomfortable next to you. Reese is her majestic self, Mark Ruffalo is even better. There's also a plot twist that the critics managed to avoid writing about, which is totally badass. It's like when...that thing happens to Hilary Swank in "Million Dollar Baby." I could prattle on endlessly about this, but it's going to become garbled and incoherent, so it's time to go back to the overrated movie countdown.

This scene KILLED me. I was sobbing everywhere.

6. Chicago.
What colossal SHIT. I considered boycotting the Oscars after this putrid year, because there were so many fucking movies better than this piece of rectal tissue. Lets review: The Hours. Incredibleness. Put Meryl Streep in a movie with a non-dingo, and she's majesty bojangles. The Two Towers. My favorite part of the LOTR trilogy, except for the part where Viggo jumps off the ghost ship in Return of the King and is all, 'yearrrrrrgggg!' I would even say that "Gangs of New York" was better than "Chicago," and I hated that. But at least that has good performances and the manure-filled New York streets that "Newsies" was clearly lacking. About Schmidt. Adaptation. Far From Heaven. Which I didn't really like that much, but I am always amused when Julianne Moore makes the same movie five times in a row. Road to Perdition. Catch Me if You Can. My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Minority Report. If I had been in any of those movies that got shirked, I would have sued someone. It wouldn't have even had to be the Academy, just a random celebrity would have been fine. I'd sue Kevin Kline.
Anyway, why does Chicago suck the hard one? First of all, it's boring. I fell asleep. It's dumb, someone needs to tell Richard Gere that he serves a much more significant purpose if he just hangs out in Tibet instead of appearing in movies not named American Gigolo. I'm not going to even get started on Renee. Suffice to say that Devra and I were in a cab two days ago and heard about the annullment and chortled for half a block.

How does anyone find that attractive? I think I saw her on David the Gnome rubbing noses with someone.

7. Spiderman 2.
Everywhere I fucking look: four stars, two thumbs up, incredible, blah blah blah. I HATED the Spiderman movies. This is not a bias toward comic book adaptations. Occasionally, they get them right. Like the first two Batmans. Or Sin City. Actually...that might be it. I'm still trying to figure out what the appeal was for people. Tobey Maguire? Ew. Kirsten Dunst looks like she doesn't brush her teeth. The only crotch-tingling thing in this movie is James Franco, who is in the Stud Book, and he's in this thing for maybe 10 minutes. I guess it's the whole, oh, Spiderman is imperfect and clinically depressed thing. But...that's depressing, not cinematic mastery. I'm sorry, a movie is not good because there are five-minute montages where a vegan is swinging from building to building. Ugh.

You almost ruined 'The Cider House Rules,' you dumb cunt.

This is getting me angry, I'm postponing the rest of the list while I stalk some basenjis.

Haha, he looks like Tobey Maguire.

That reminds me, Devra and I are going to be Sacco and Vanzetti for Halloween, so if you have any Italian anarchy thingies, that would be appreciated to some extent.

Something tells me I know who's going to wear the mustache.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

"No One Hates War Like the Soldiers": Our Interview With Bobbie Ragsdale

Tonight, we conducted our first Weenie Enema interview with Cadet Bobbie Ragsdale of West Point and New Orleans. I invited several of my comrades to join in to ask questions or just to watch. I have edited some of the content was ridiculous and not conducive to anything at all.
For the record:
MyDadIsAWeenie - E. E. Grimshaw
BRags753 - Bobbie Ragsdale
malsta48 - Malsta Coppenrath
HurricainFran - Erin Garrant
SweetPie91285 - Inna Rudman
Several other people were in attendence, but did not play a direct role in the proceedings.
You have just entered room "interviewbojangles."
malsta48: i dont get the name of this chatroom
MyDadIsAWeenie: we're interviewing bobbie ragsdale for the blog
MyDadIsAWeenie: and everyone gets to ask questions
HurricainFran: I have no questions
malsta48: bobbie
malsta48: will you bring me pretzels
HurricainFran: Thats a good question
BRags753: probably not
malsta48: eat it
HurricainFran: Bobbie, why do you spell your name with an ie?
malsta48: HAHAHAHAA
BRags753: um, hold on, I think I have a prepared statement
BRags753: ml?mode=reply
MyDadIsAWeenie: lets give the readers a bit of background
BRags753: deal
MyDadIsAWeenie: can you tell everyone why you know me
BRags753: because you are a facebook stalker
MyDadIsAWeenie: that is not specific enough
HurricainFran: hahahaha he does know you well
MyDadIsAWeenie: i resent that
HurricainFran: why? its true.
BRags753: you found me on facebook and then invited me to your Golden Globe party
HurricainFran: I thought that said "golden girls" party and got really happy
malsta48: bobbie bring me food
BRags753: NO
HurricainFran: that wasnt a question, Mal
MyDadIsAWeenie: can you explain to the readers why that is not a possibility
BRags753: because I'm locked away in my granite prison that is West Point
HurricainFran: Is it like Oz?
BRags753: without the rainbows, but with the flying monkeys
MyDadIsAWeenie: she means the show
BRags753: the fact remains
HurricainFran: Who would you rather be locked up with, Bobbie: prisoners, or Judy Garland?
MyDadIsAWeenie: before this goes completely to shit
MyDadIsAWeenie: why don't you tell us about your part in the new orleans relief effort
malsta48: are you delivering snacks
HurricainFran: Will you deliver snacks to Mal?
BRags753: is Mal a victim of the hurricane?
HurricainFran: HurricainFran
MyDadIsAWeenie: she is not.
BRags753: Then unlikely
BRags753: Anyway, it's a very long story, but I'm trying to organize a relief effort to New Orleans/Mississippi composed of about 300 cadets
BRags753: we want to link up with National Guard on the ground and put ourselves to good work
HurricainFran: that sounds nice
MyDadIsAWeenie: when would this likely take place
BRags753: Plans are in the works to go down over Thanksgiving and Christmas to relieve soldiers so that they may see their families for the holidays, but we'd also like to get some folks down before then
BRags753: leave on a Wed, come back on a Sun, get in about 3 good days of work.
MyDadIsAWeenie: that is so badass
BRags753: I'd like it to happen ASAP but beauracracy and frumpy colonels get in the way
MyDadIsAWeenie: how did your own family in new orleans fare?
MyDadIsAWeenie: and what is your opinion on the way fema has handled the rescue efforts
BRags753: They are alive.
BRags753: I think FEMA is doing a pretty good job really. I mean, I'm not on the ground, but I understand it's a hard situation and they're doing pretty good. It's a little disorganized, but noble. It's not so corrupt and befuddled as the media portrays it
BRags753: The real problems were with preparedness
MyDadIsAWeenie: what about how the media is portraying the response of mayor nagin and governor blanco?
BRags753: The levees should have been higher. Period. The feds cut our funding
MyDadIsAWeenie: a lot of people are upset that they didn't turn the power over to the federal government
BRags753: I like Nagin. I think he's doing a good job. I don't like Blanco, on a political level, but I think she's doing alright too. She smartly asserted her control of the National Guard, rather than giving it over to the feds
MyDadIsAWeenie: why was that a good thing
BRags753: because, locals understand the area and they know the problem and they know the people. The Federal government is there in place to help the states recover, not do it for them
BRags753: give the states money and let them do it. Advise, provide the tools, but it's their job
MyDadIsAWeenie: but you said yourself that the issue here was not being prepared. wouldn't it have helped new orleans out to have federal funding and all that shit there within hours rather than days
BRags753: Now, on the Military side, LTG Honore is the man. The funding should have been there for years before. And the President declared the area a national disaster 2 days... let me say that again... *2 days* before the storm struck...
BRags753: That provided the Gov. the federal funding to prepare as she saw fit without regard for cost
BRags753: So, in the immediate past, the feds were there
BRags753: Now, troops took a while to get in, but you've got to remember, most of the NG was evacuated too, so that's hard to mobilize... perhaps it would have helped to have activated them beforehand.... I don't know enough about the plans prior to the storm...
MyDadIsAWeenie: now, i understand the need not to point blame and whatnot at this point in time. but what is your response when you see the pictures and reports of people literally starving to death on highway overpasses and in the superdome
BRags753: There should be food there, of course. There should have been hundreds of flights out of Ft. Hood with MRE's. That eventually happened, but not for about 3 days
BRags753: I don't know who to blame for that. It's too soon
MyDadIsAWeenie: what about the busses? we've been seeing pictures of half-submerged busses with people saying that they weren't able to get out to safety because they couldn't find transportation
BRags753: It's a logistical nightmare to evacuate 1.5 million people (in the New Orleans Metro area alone) in two days...
MyDadIsAWeenie: when you see people that have the ability to get a powerful message out, celebrities, media fixtures, etc., and you have a situation like last friday with kanye west saying 'bush hates the black people,' or when you have sean penn wandering around new orleans with a rifle
MyDadIsAWeenie: what the hell is the point?
HurricainFran: Oh Sean Penn...
MyDadIsAWeenie: for me personally, i was enraged by the other sean penn story
MyDadIsAWeenie: when he went out in the three-person boat to 'rescue' people, and he brought his photographer with him and there was only one spot left in the boat
BRags753: I don't know much about what Sean Penn's up to, but I think if celebrities want to help, go for it. They do have influence, and they have just as much right to use it as I do
HurricainFran: Sean Penn's a douche.
MyDadIsAWeenie: is it conducive to anything though to have celebrities spouting off for no conceivable purpose
MyDadIsAWeenie: this certainly doesn't just apply to new orleans
BRags753: I do think Kayne West is a retard and an asshole, fyi. This is the same guy who thinks the government developed AIDS to kill Africa and crack to kill blacks in America
MyDadIsAWeenie: and yet the man has a number one album
HurricainFran: crack is whack
MyDadIsAWeenie: and makes more money than any of us will ever see
BRags753: True, and I see a lot of people complain about celebs trying to be public figures... I mean, of course they have no expertise, but they have no less right than I do to voice their opinion. More power to them. I don't care. If you base your political opinions on what Alec Baldwin has to say, that's your problem, not his.
MyDadIsAWeenie: okay, mardi gras - they say it's going to happen. good idea?
BRags753: Hell yes
BRags753: There's enough movies about people saving Christmas. Mardi Gras is of this level of importance to New Orleaneans
BRags753: and let me tell you, I will be celebrating Mardi Gras come February
BRags753: you can't kill Mardi Gras any more than you can kill Christmas. It's a state of mind.
MyDadIsAWeenie: rebuilding new orleans. some people have said it's not a good idea, it makes no sense, it will just happen again.
BRags753: no, New Orleans was founded in 1716, and this is the first time it happened. According to probability, that gives us 300 years to rebuild the levees to withstand a cat 5
MyDadIsAWeenie: are you really going to base this on probability?
BRags753: no, I'm going to base it on that's my fuckin home and if you think we should bulldoze it, I've got about six friends in shrimp boots and overalls who'd like to have a talk with you outside with shotgun and claw hammer.
BRags753: I'm saying we have to rebuild it. It's my home. And home to a million other people. It's vital to the US economy and the spirit of Louisiana
HurricainFran: I like new orleans
BRags753: It's a city like no other
MyDadIsAWeenie: last week, i think you used california as an example, seeing as how they live smack in the middle of a volatile earthquake zone and the same thing could happen
BRags753: exactly; no one would suggest that we shouldn't rebuild San Fran. or LA if an earthquake happened.
BRags753: And you know why? Cause LA and San Fran have money and NOLA doesn't
MyDadIsAWeenie: but new orleans has oil bojangles
BRags753: haha, well, yes, but US oil is expensive to produce. Drilling and refining are expensive in the US. Granted, The Crescent City is vital - VITAL - to the US economy, but NOLA doesn't see much of that money
BRags753: we had a lot more money in the 80s during the boom, but the industry has dropped
BRags753: New Orleans is as far inland as you can be and still be accessable by ocean going vehicles; that's important.
MyDadIsAWeenie: and
MyDadIsAWeenie: most importantly
MyDadIsAWeenie: it's where streetcar takes place
MyDadIsAWeenie: on to a new topic
MyDadIsAWeenie: west point.
MyDadIsAWeenie: why the hell are you there
BRags753: That's a very complicated question.
BRags753: In short: to serve my country in what I think is the best way I can
MyDadIsAWeenie: when did you decide to go there
BRags753: When I was... a freshman, maybe... I decided I wanted to go into politics...
BRags753: I later came to think that if I was gonna do that it was important to serve in the military first
BRags753: So I thought about enlisting after HS in the reserve to help pay for college
BRags753: then I thought about doing the ROTC thing so I'd be an officer
BRags753: Then I said, "Well, hell, if I'm gonna do that, may as well try for West Point." At first I was very uncertain that I wanted to give up 5 years after graduation to devote to the Army...
BRags753: but the longer I thought, the more apparent it became that USMA was the place for me.
SweeT Pie91285: Inna doesn't understand how exactly you are helping your country
SweeT Pie91285: very innocent question
BRags753: Understandable. That's an incredibly complex question
SweeT Pie91285: go on...
BRags753: National Defense is of a level of importance that people in peacetime often fail to understand
SweeT Pie91285: ... what's the objective?
BRags753: The presence of a military discourages attack and commands power even without it's use. At heart, the military is in place to protect the state...
BRags753: but in reality, it is often a projection of power
BRags753: War is not an end in itself, but a means to protect interest and enforce policy. To be cold about it, that is
SweeT Pie91285: so, it's a "projection" of power, and you are the movable tool of that "projection" whose power is outside of yourself
BRags753: well, yes. I represent and enforce and defend the ideals of my nation
BRags753: I am power. The Army is power. But we are not the only power the US has
BRags753: and the point is not really power
BRags753: power is not an end either
SweeT Pie91285: how do YOU feel, do you feel powerful?
BRags753: Machivelli did not write our Constitution. Power is a means to secure our ideals and values.
HurricainFran: I fucking love Machiavelli
BRags753: I personally fell very powerless sometimes. But I know I am part of something very powerful
SweeT Pie91285: what else does it give you, other than power? (just curious) Machiavelli also wanted "the ends to justify the means" meaning that anything goes till the fat lady sings and then you bs about why you did it
BRags753: It give me a sense of importance. And sense of value. i could make a lot of money in business or being a lawyer, but it would be empty. I need to serve other people.
BRags753: "The ends justify the means" is not our philosophy
BRags753: we fight and operate justly at all costs. We will not do unjust things for the sake of a favorable outcome
BRags753: That said, we do kill for a favorable outcome
SweeT Pie91285: favorable outcome in my mind -- people alive
BRags753: but war has rules and values and its own morality. And according to the rules of war, killing is sometimes necessary
BRags753: "War is always evil, but sometimes, it is the lesser evil" -- George Orwell
BRags753: Without getting deep in the weeds about Iraq and such, sometimes you need to kill to ensure that people live and live well.
BRags753: That is the unfortunate reality of the world
BRags753: No one hates war like the soldiers that fight it, but we realize it's occassional necessitity
MyDadIsAWeenie: actually
MyDadIsAWeenie: lets talk about iraq
HurricainFran: YES
MyDadIsAWeenie: the president's approval rating is reported as being below 40%, lowest of his presidency, even some conservatives are saying it's not going well. what's going on?
BRags753: OK, yet another very complex question. Let me start with this:
BRags753: Americans have a very false understanding of War whereby they see it as Win or Lose. This is not accurate
BRags753: Particularly when we're talking about an insurgency
SweeT Pie91285: is it all lose?
BRags753: You CANNOT "Win" an insurgency. You can only outlast it.
SweeT Pie91285: so it's all lose
BRags753: People want us to "win," but of course that's impossible. You can't defeat an insurgency militarially.
BRags753: you truly only lose if you leave. Then they win. You "win" by staying and debasing their support.
BRags753: Eventually, when they kill enough Iraqi citizens and the general Iraqi gets a lot wealthier and smarter, these groups will have less poor people to prey on
MyDadIsAWeenie: from the start of the war. you had a lot of people mad about the wmds not being there, but everyone seemed momentarily placated by the fact
MyDadIsAWeenie: that the us got a guy out of there who had killed hundreds of thousands of his own people
MyDadIsAWeenie: why has that changed
BRags753: Because Americans are dying and America does not understand that war has cost
BRags753: that's something foreign to Americans today
SweeT Pie91285: what i can't understand is how you could go into something saying: "some of us will die, but that's ok, because some people will get to live" don't YOU want to live?
BRags753: they want 100 hour wars like the first Gulf War and Panama and Greneda. They don't understand that those are the exceptions, not the rule.
BRags753: Of course I want to live. All soldiers do. But my life is no more valuable than Joe Iraqi
BRags753: And if I lay down my life so 10 Iraqis can live happy and free and better, it was worth it to me
BRags753: A lot of soldiers will feel the same way. A lot won't. But that's my motivation anyway
HurricainFran: Whats your favorite tv show
BRags753: It was Married With Children
BRags753: I don't really watch TV anymore
MyDadIsAWeenie: okay the interview is offically over
HurricainFran: But I have some really great questions!
MyDadIsAWeenie: sigh
BRags753: ask away :-)
HurricainFran: Whats your favorite Madonna song?
BRags753: Like a Prayer
HurricainFran: ooh, good one. I approve.
BRags753: thank you

Our thanks to Bobbie Ragsdale, who withstood the liberal Russian and the drunk Michigan with a poise befitting the US Army.

I have OCD, ergo there are more lists a-coming.

Before I begin with today's ultimate purpose, there are several things in Abbi's entry that must be rebutted like a...drunk bull during that...thing where everyone runs away from them. Fuck, what the hell was that...oooh running of the bulls. If anyone ever tries to claim I am a poser slash fake, harken back to the last two sentences. I could have deleted my thought process and sounded infinitely more intelligient. I keep it real. Anyway.
Number one: You are souless if you didn't like Angel of Mine. Best video, best song ever, and it's a damn travesty that Monica ended up in black singer oblivion with D'Angelo and Da Brat, while Brandy went on to get punk'd and had her unfunny UPN show. And I think she got knocked up and had an MTV special about it.
Number two: What is your issue with Whitney? Her dance mix songs are the definition of badass. Take one Devra and two puggles, and you have Whitney, circa 1999.
Number three: I clearly stated that I do NOT like Destiny's Child songs that repeat themselves twelve times. There's at least three of them. P.S. I saw Kelly yesterday at Radio City while Devra and I were looking for Dippin' Dots.
Number four: How dare you hate on Mariah. That woman is the musical equivalent of Martha Stewart. She takes a licking and keeps on ticking. Or singing.

I could go on, but for the record, I thoroughly enjoyed Abbi's analysis, and I'm sure we all hope she comes back soon to grace us with her presence. As an aside, we became the first people in the 40-year history of the Wall Street Transcript to do our own personal rendition of Montell Jordan's 'This is How We Do It.' It was kicking. Rolling with the homies, et cetera.

So today, I noticed that three of my favorite bloggers were tackling one of my favorite topics: overrated movies. Ace of Spades, who did some of the most amazing live blogging of that Rosie TV movie a few months ago, Protein Wisdom, who does entries devoted to fake conversations with Huey Long and Alarming News, a blog by a crazy Russian New Yorker not named Inna, have failed miserably in this task, so it is up to me to really get down on this.

1. Psycho.
I have no idea why everyone is all about this movie. I guess it's the drag queen aspect, but since I've been a loyal reader of this drag queen blog, it doesn't shock me in the way it's supposed to. Also, like Jeff at Protein Wisdom said in regards to Vertigo and this movie, Hitchcock did other much more amazing shizzle. Like Notorious, which has TWO hunkified pieces of meat in one movie. It was like On the Waterfront all over again. Going beyond the drag queens, it's boring. I've fallen asleep twice watching this, because it totally drags before and after Janet Leigh gets knifed in the shower. She's just sulking in her room for 20 minutes going, 'Shit, I just stole money,' and then afterwards there are people in that same room for 20 minutes going, 'Where is Janet Leigh?' So pointless.

OMG a drag queen is killing me! Ooh, new book title.

2. Working Girl.
I'm only including this because it got nominated for a shitload of Oscars, and it's one of those predictable two-star cliche pieces of shit. It has nothing going for it, there's more substance in my socialism class, and Melanie Griffith has never been a good actor. She brought down 'Now and Then' like the Titanic. (Which I'm NOT putting on this list because it's amazing, and, if everyone thinks it's overrated, it's not really overrated.)

"How much longer do we have to be in this movie?"

3. I Heart Huckabees.
I hated hated HATED this movie. The only good thing in it was Marky Mark, and he was just babbling about petroleum. It's very indicative of this entire crap shoot. Which has double meaning when you're talking about movies. Heh. As I have told about 20 people, I can't stand when people make a movie, are in on the joke, but are too smug and pretentious to let you in on it too. Fuck this movie. Tom Cruise should have been in it to round the whole shitfest out.

Oh, did I mention that Jude Law has the WORST American accent I have ever heard? He must have woken up and said, "Hmm, if I pronounce my R's, people will think I'm American!" You and your uncut penis can take a hike.

4. Bulworth.
I honestly don't remember a lot of people talking about how great this was, but I felt a vibe sometimes. If that makes sense. Warren Beatty will be fuckable into his 90s, but that's all I can say about this. It's completely illogical, and if a white politician ever tried to be black, they would be lynched, not accepted as 'keeping it real.' I haven't figured out what Halle Berry's purpose is, in this movie or otherwise.

How is this man still hot? Swoon.

5. Taxi Driver
Martin Scorcese made one good movie, Raging Bull. That was it. This is shit, and like Bulworth, makes no sense. I suppose the idea is that New York is depraved and a psycho Green Beret Taxi Driver can go kill a bunch of street pimps without having to worry about the consequences. I'm sorry, no. If you mutilate a whore house, you should still get in trouble. Also, watching Martin Scorcese talking about pussy in the back of a taxi is the most disturbing thing this side of Macauley's demise in 'My Girl.' Props to Robert DeNiro for having a 17-pack though.

Oh, Robert. Go box.

I feel like finishing this tomorrow, because I have a history of stretching these things out ad infinitum or something. Go read those blogs. They equal badass.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

there was something in the air that night, the stars were bright, Fernando

I feel it is not only fair, but necessary that I take us all back to that last year of the 20th century and, more importantly, the last year of one of the greatest decades ever. The year was 1999, and yours truly was graduating from high school—the last of the Gen Xers or beginning of Generation Y, depending on who you ask. We are a confused sort of people, existing not within defined sets, but on the boundary lines. The only thing we had going for us was the mostly great, sometimes horrid music that played us out of the millennium. (Damn, I should work in TV, writing voice-over copy for all those video montages you see between December 25 and January 1.)

I give you, the Top 100 songs of 1999 (courtesy

1. Believe, Cher—It’s sad that I can’t love the number one song. I love Cher, but I don’t believe in this song at all. (If you don’t believe me, check out Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode #58 “Living Conditions”.)
2. No Scrubs, TLC—a bitchy yet catchy song. I like it.
3. Angel Of Mine, Monica—never was a big Monica fan.
4. Heartbreak Hotel, Whitney Houston—wasn’t Whitney in rehab at this time? Or was she still shoving her fingers down her throat every 5 minutes and snorting lines of coke off of a Rolling Stone issue?
5. ...Baby One More Time, Britney Spears—damn, even I wanted to go to Catholic school.
6. Kiss Me, Sixpence None The Richer—blech. I liked it for about 2 minutes. Only made famous from She’s All That, a movie I’m sad to say I obsessed over for 3 minutes.
7. Genie In A Bottle, Christina Aguilera—Christina was the first woman I would ever let do whatever she wanted to/with me.
8. Every Morning, Sugar Ray—your name is Sugar Ray. No.
9. Nobody's Supposed To Be Here, Deborah Cox—who? What?
10. Livin' La Vida Loca, Ricky Martin—I still remember the first time I heard this song. I loved it before it was hate-able.
11. Where My Girls At?, 702—I should know this but I don’t
12. If You Had My Love, Jennifer Lopez—J-Lo before she was J-Lo.
13. Slide, Goo Goo Dolls—The late ’90 would not have been the late ‘90s without these guys.
14. Have You Ever?, Brandy—I think I was against young black women who only went by one name.
15. I Want It That Way, Backstreet Boys—The only Backstreet Boys song I ever turned the volume up for.
16. I'm Your Angel, R. Kelly and Celine Dion—do I honestly have to say something?
17. All Star, Smash Mouth—Did they have any other hit? If not, I like them because I have a soft spot for 1990s one-hit wonders.
18. Angel, Sarah McLachlan—I’m still making up my mind on Sarah
19. Smooth, Santana Featuring Rob Thomas—Awesome.
20. Unpretty, TLC—You have to TLC props because they were around AND had hits when I was graduating junior high (see this)
21. Bills, Bills, Bills, Destiny's Child—My favorite Destiny’s Child song. Unlike EEG, I have grievances against song titles that repeat themselves.
22. Save Tonight, Eagle-Eye Cherry—I know I didn’t like it, but I can’t remember why
23. Last Kiss, Pearl Jam—why don’t I remember this?
24. Fortunate, Maxwell—who’s Maxwell?
25. All I Have To Give, Backstreet Boys—sorry, I can only like these guys so much.
26. Bailamos, Enrique Iglesias—smoldering Hispanic singer. Ok, not so much smoldering, but I always sang along.
27. What's It Gonna Be?!, Busta Rhymes Featuring Janet—I love Busta, but I don’t remember this.
28. What It's Like, Everlast—ah, Everlast.
29. Fly Away, Lenny Kravitz—I love his big glasses, but generally I’m not getting off to his music.
30. Someday, Sugar Ray—I said, your name is Sugar Ray.
31. Lately, Divine--??
32. That Don't Impress Me Much, Shania Twain—I H-A-T-E country rock, or whatever the fuck she touts herself as singing.
33. Wild Wild West, Will Smith Featuring Dru Hill and Kool Moe Dee—I never saw this movie…probably because of the song.
34. Scar Tissue, Red Hot Chili Peppers—mad props. Though, I don’t think I ever understood any of the words.
35. Heartbreaker, Mariah Carey Featuring Jay-Z –I HATE HATE HATE Mariah, more than country rock.
36. I Still Believe, Mariah Carey—see above
37. The Hardest Thing, 98 Degrees—a boy band I never liked. Wait, did I like any of them?
38. Summer Girls, LFO—I cannot describe the feeling of disgust that washed over me anytime this song was played for the 2 weeks it was popular.
39. Can I Get A..., Jay-Z Featuring Amil (Of Major Coinz) and Ja—Amy Wenger, you made this song awesome.
40. Jumper, Third Eye Blind—Bands with the number/work three are just somehow cool.
41. Doo Wop (That Thing), Lauryn Hill—Lauryn is the essence of cool.
42. Mambo No. 5 (A Little Bit Of...), Lou Bega—this was played at freshman orientation. Does anything ever good happen at freshman orientation? And the badness is always accompanied by equally bad music.
43. Sweet Lady, Tyrese—no clue.
44. It's Not Right But It's Okay, Whitney Houston—Whitney, aren’t you in rehab yet?
45. (God Must Have Spent) A Little More Time On You, 'N Sync—If I had to pick a boy band, I’d pick you, ‘N Sync, but definitely never this song.
46. Lullaby, Shawn Mullins
47. Anywhere, 112 Featuring Lil'Z
48. Tell Me It's Real, K-Ci and JoJo—These 2, I just wanted to turn them into 2-d cardboard cutouts and take them to archery class.
49. Back 2 Good, Matchbox 20—I feel like I was cheated the whole time I like Matchbox 20 because Rob Thomas has turned into an old Justin Timberlake.
50. 808, Blaque—who?
51. She's So High, Tal Bachman—what?
52. She's All I Ever Had, Ricky Martin—I *heart* Ricky, but not his ballads. Blech blech blech.
53. Miami, Will Smith—a Will Smith song I can get behind. Didn’t you want to go there after this?
54. Hands, Jewel—Jewel was on her way to selling out with this single and the its album.
55. Who Dat, JT Money Featuring Sole—who you?
56. Please Remember Me, Tim McGraw—country. Crap. Ah, alliteration.
57. From This Moment On, Shania Twain—country crap, as a ballad.
58. Love Like This, Faith Evans—I’m tired of you, country crap. And you’re blonde.
59. You, Jesse Powell—me what?
60. Trippin', Total Featuring Missy Elliott—I wish I knew what this was, cause I love Missy.
61. If You (Lovin' Me), Silk-??
62. Ex-Factor, Lauryn Hill—she’s cool, but I don’t know this.
63. Give It To You, Jordan Knight—though some people really may love Jordan, that’s a bandwagon I hope winds up in the pits of hell.
64. Black Balloon, Goo Goo Dolls—see, I told you it wouldn’t be the ‘90s without them.
65. Spend My Life With You, Eric Benet Featuring Tamia—it sounds bad, but since I don’t remember it, I’ll leave it alone.
66. These Are The Times, Dru Hill—that I don’t remember
67. I Don't Want To Miss A Thing, Mark Chesnutt—I think this is country crap. Maybe it’s just crap.
68. I Do (Cherish You), 98 Degrees—you’re just gross.
69. Because Of You, 98 Degrees—god, aren’t you fucking Jessica Simpson yet?
70. I Will Remember You (Live), Sarah McLachlan—so…UHGhhhh, but I liked it.
71. Chante's Got A Man, Chante Moore—do you, Chante?
72. Happily Ever After, Case—oh good, then I don’t need to worry about you.
73. My Love Is Your Love, Whitney Houston—so you’re not in rehab because you’re too busy making shitty music.
74. All Night Long, Faith Evans Featuring Puff Daddy—who is this Puff Daddy? He looks just like P. Diddy and Diddy.
75. Back That Thang Up, Juvenile Featuring Mannie Fresh and Lil' Wayne—you know you liked it.
76. Almost Doesn't Count, Brandy—what’s your last name?
77. Man! I Feel Like A Woman!, Shania Twain—even though you were in i *heart* huckabees, I still don’t like you.
78. Steal My Sunshine, Len—bouncy, peppy, and downright annoying. 1 ½ thumbs up.
79. I Need To Know, Marc Anthony--??
80. So Anxious, Ginuwine—you can spell!
81. Faded Pictures, Case and Joe—go away.
82. Back At One, Brian McKnight—oooooh, I know I didn’t like you, though I can’t remember your music
83. When A Woman's Fed Up, R. Kelly—…go find a 14-year old girl.
84. How Forever Feels, Kenny Chesney—probably shitty, if they’re listening to your music.
85. Amazed, Lonestar—I’m tired of making shitty remarks.
86. Sometimes, Britney Spears--…I wonder if you’ll grow up to be the pregnant trailer trash you were meant to be.
87. Ghetto Cowboy, Mo Thugs Family Featuring Bone Thugs-N-Harmony—shit, I really wish I knew this song.
88. Out Of My Head, Fastball—I think they were a one-hit wonder too, but I’m not sure.
89. Hard Knock Life (Ghetto Anthem), Jay-Z—mmmm, no.
90. Jamboree, Naughty By Nature Featuring Zhane—memory fading.
91. Take Me There, BLACKstreet and Mya Featuring Mase and Blinky Blink—could you be featuring any more people?
92. Stay The Same, Joey McIntyre—what????
93. Lesson In Leavin', Jo Dee Messina—??
94. Iris, Goo Goo Dolls—and you thought they were going away.
95. Satisfy You, Puff Daddy Featuring R. Kelly—what a combo.
96. Better Days (And The Bottom Drops Out), Citizen King--??
97. Music Of My Heart, 'N Sync and Gloria Estefan—2 wrongs totally bombed.
98. Write This Down, George Strait—“my music sucks.”
99. When You Believe, Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey—ok, I hate you both, especially you Mariah, but I really like the Prince of Egypt soundtrack for some god-awful reason, so you each get one point. way to go.
100. God Must Have Spent A Little More Time On You, Alabama Featuring 'N Sync—pure hell.

I graduated from junior high in 1995. Now there was some great '90s music.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

In support of 1998.

1998 is the most amazing year ever, except for...pimples, braces and other pubescent maladies. So in honor of this, we are doing an experiment that is recommended on - taking the 100 most popular songs of that year, bolding the ones I loved, striking out the sucky ones and leaving the ones I've never heard of untouched. Yay.
1. Too Close, Next what a PIECE OF SHIT.
2. The Boy Is Mine, Brandy and Monica does anyone else remember the huge booger brandy had in her nose in verse 2? no one?
3. You're Still The One, Shania Twain shania, EAT ME.
4. Truly Madly Deeply, Savage Garden this was like...if emo was annoying and fay. not that it's not.
5. How Do I Live, LeAnn Rimes shrug. i have no defense.
6. Together Again, Janet i didn't know the name of this song until 2000. i equal horrible.
7. All My Life, K-Ci and JoJo lazy eye cunty crap song
8. Candle In The Wind 1997, Elton John might be the worst song ever.
9. Nice and Slow, Usher can you tell i don't like r&b?
10. I Don't Want To Wait, Paula Cole i can't do either, i hate the song now, but i had the single and enjoyed it for its dawsonness. meh.
11. How's It Going To Be, Third Eye Blind only bad third eye blind song.
12. No, No, No, Destiny's Child suck suck SUCK
13. My Heart Will Go On, Celine Dion titanic is amazing. i heart hand swipes on steamy windows.
14. Gettin' Jiggy Wit, Will Smith yes, there was a time when i thought will smith was buggin'. word.
15. You Make Me Wanna..., Usher i hope naomi campbell did...bad things to you. down quello.
16. My Way, Usher FINALLY. usher's one good amazing badass song.
17. My All, Mariah Carey <3 oh, mariah. not as good as heartbreaker, but clearly amazing.
18. The First Night, Monica huh? what is this?
19. Been Around The World, Puff Daddy and The Family no idea. i never listened to rap in 8th grade.
20. Adia, Sarah McLachlan god. cheesy crap folk shit.
21. Crush, Jennifer Paige i COMPLETELY forgot this song ever existed.
22. Everybody (Backstreet's Back), Backstreet Boys oh, the age of boy bands.
23. I Don't Want To Miss A Thing, Aerosmith i NEVER understood the love for this song. never.
24. Body Bumpin Yippie-Yi-Yo, Public Announcement what the fuck is this? is it a band?
25. This Kiss, Faith Hill faith hill, you ruin me.
26. I Don't Ever Want To See You Again, Uncle Sam again, huh?
27. Let's Ride, Montell Jordan clearly, i know nothing.
28. Sex And Candy, Marcy Playground were there people that didn't like this song? non capito.
29. Show Me Love, Robyn i hope her second single shows up here. that one was way better.
30. A Song For Mama, Boyz II Men i don't remember it, though i'm sure i hated it.
31. What You Want, Mase what is this?
32. Frozen, Madonna i remember this. 'oooh madonna reinvented herself again!' give it up, cunt.
33. Gone Till November, Wyclef Jean shrug
34. My Body, Lsg WHAT. i'm so sad i didn't hear this.
35. Tubthumping, Chumbawamba i liked it the first 400 times it was on the radio. i guess that counts.
36. Deja Vu (Uptown Baby), Lord Tariq and Peter Gunz so so out of it.
37. I Want You Back, 'N Sync i can do the dance. not.
38. When The Lights Go Out, Five WHAT A FUCKING INCREDIBLE SONG. remember the rap? hahahaha.
39. They Don't Know, Jon B. isn't that the name of a sloop?
40. Make Em' Say Uhh!, Master P glad i never heard of it.
41. Make It Hot, Nicole Featuring Missy "Misdemeanor" Elliott and Mocha there's a rapper named after coffee? i don't get it.
42. Never Eve, All Saints i like the way brits say z - 'zay'
43. I Get Lonely, Janet ????
44. Feel So Good, Mase who is this mase creature?
45. Say It, Voices Of Theory i feel
46. Kiss The Rain, Billie Myers i haven't heard this in forever.
47. Come With Me, Puff Daddy AMAZING. PUFFY 4EVA
48. Romeo And Juliet, Sylk-E Fyne my dad has the single. fact.
49. It's All About Me, Mya and Sisqo nope. thong song?
50. I Will Come To You, Hanson their ballad. it kills me.
51. One Week, Barenaked Ladies pseudo pretentious clits.
52. Swing My Way, K.P. and Envyi there's no way that was ever a song.
53. The Arms Of The One Who Loves You, Xscape see above.
54. My Love Is The Shhh!, Somethin' For The People hahaha what an amazing title. never heard of it though.
55. Daydreamin', Tatyana Ali muhammed ali's daughter? maybe? forse?
56. We're Not Making Love No More, Dru Hill ah, back when rappers talked about fucking instead of shooting. the good old days.
57. Semi-Charmed Life, Third Eye Blind stephen jenkins, you rock all things.
58. I Do, Lisa Loeb i feel like lisa loeb somehow created the emo movement by wearing those fucking glasses.
59. Lookin' At Me, Mase WHO ARE YOU??? I'V SEEN YOU 15 TIMES
60. Looking Through Your Eyes, LeAnn Rimes baffled gape.
61. Lately, Divine uh.
62. Quit Playing Games (With My Heart), Backstreet Boys when this came out, i thought it was the most amazing shit ever.
63. I Still Love You, Next fuck you, next.
64. Time After Time, Inoj they covered this?
65. Are You Jimmy Ray?, Jimmy Ray i bought it last year. i rule.
66. Cruel Summer, Ace Of Base i seriously don't recall this.
67. I Got The Hook Up!, Master P hahaha i remember the name, but little else.
68. Victory, Puff Daddy and The Family puffy was rather prolific this year. hmm.
69. Too Much, Spice Girls SPICE NATION
70. Ghetto Supastar (That Is What You Are), Pras Feat. Ol' Dirty Bastard and Mya too bad bulworth is THE WORST MOVIE EVER.
71. How Deep Is Your Love, Dru Hill Featuring Redman i love that i just blocked out the rap and shit. it makes me feel good down there.
72. Friend Of Mine, Kelly Price uh. when the hell did this come out?
73. Turn It Up [Remix] / Fire It Up, Busta Rhymes hahahha busta. ugliest rapper ever.
74. I'll Be, Edwin McCain again, associated with dawson. <3
75. Ray Of Light, Madonna grudgingly accept its rocking beats and shizzle.
76. All For You, Sister Hazel if sister hazel got eaten by snails, i would be okay with that.
77. Touch It, Monifah ew. even I'M more subtle.
78. Money, Power and Respect, Lox who is this lox? that's a good. a fish, maybe.
79. Bitter Sweet Symphony, The Verve will forever be known as the song where sarah michelle gellar met her deserved demise in cruel intentions.
80. Dangerous, Busta Rhymes busta, we meet again.
81. Spice Up Your Life, Spice Girls slam it to the left, mother fucker.
82. Because Of You, 98 Degrees i always hoped they'd fall off the bridge. no such luck.
83. The Mummers' Dance, Loreena McKennitt vaguely familiar...non lo so
84. All Cried Out, Allure Featuring 112 why can't rappers just...rap by themselves?
85. Still Not A Player, Big Punisher Featuring Joe i repeat dot dot dot
86. The One I Gave My Heart To, Aaliyah r.i.p.
87. Foolish Games / You Were Meant For Me, Jewel my dad bought this at the wall for a dollar before she released it massively. foolish games is incredibleness.
88. Love You Down, Inoj YES!!! <3
89. Do For Love, 2Pac pac, i never listened to anything you ever wrote, ergo i care not at all that you swallowed 50 pounds of led.
90. Raise The Roof, Luke uh. i raised the roof without hearing the song. i'm a fraud.
91. Heaven, Nu Flavor d.j. sammy? i like that one.
92. The Party Continues, Jd this whole 'songs that aren't real' needs to stop.
93. Sock It 2 Me, Missy "Misdemeanor" Elliott Featuring Da Brat hahaha da brat was on the surreal life. i never saw her before then.
94. Butta Love, Next like butter or butt?
95. A Rose Is Still A Rose, Aretha Franklin you're old. stop.
96. 4 Seasons Of Loneliness, Boyz II Men i couldn't explain it if i tried.
97. Father, LL Cool J you're on the house season premiere. yay.
98. Thinkin' Bout It, Gerald Levert that is the dumbest name ever
99. Nobody's Supposed To Be Here, Deborah Cox nope. nada.
100. Westside, TQ i like mongoose love.

i should do every year. i clearly listen to the radio once in a blue moon and have no legitimate opinions about anything.

Monday, September 05, 2005

Rectal Morphine and Grizzlies Bojangles.

Before I begin, there is exciting amazing news. No, it's not about David, the rat who decided to move into our apartment. I have been given the opportunity to guestblog on another site, exposing this blog to an audience of at LEAST ten more people. This is beyond huge. If you love reading online diaries and adore narcissitic pre-med self-involved goodness, I heartily recommend Ally's blog. It's the best Filipino shizzle out there, with the exception of Michelle Malkin. Much love.

I strongly believe in visuals.

As a subtle segway, Ally willingly trudged uptown to partake in the sneak preview "An Unfinished Life," starring Robert Redford, Morgan Freeman and ...J-Lo? Indeed, the Latina bootyshaker somehow managed to get herself involved in a respectable cinematic project for the first time since 1998, which we should all be thankful for. However, as good as J to the Lo is in this, cannot compare with...MORGAN FREEMAN'S BEAR-MAULED ASS. It's totally true, Morgan got mauled by a grizzly and has to get morphine injections into his rectal area. Insanity. For those of you counting, this is the second movie in a row that I've seen in theaters with a fucking grizzly. It never ends. AND J-Lo fucks a guy in a rock quarry. I've now seen it all. It got 3.23 stars from me, as there's an abusive boyfriend subplot that was unnecesssary at best, and occasionally the dialogue is trite and straight out of a May sweeps episode of Dr. Quinn. On the positive side, Robert Redford is HOT with grizzled old man stubble, which is not an easy feat to pull off, let me tell you. Much love to Robert.

No business being that hunkified. None.

As if this Labor Day weekend couldn't get any better...

You are looking at a legitimate cross-breed of a puggie and a beagle. A puggle. Look it up. Totally real. I haven't been this happy since I found that Burger King on 86th. Which was...two days ago. Anyway.

Hey childhood, what's up.
Someone needs to buy me those dvds. Now.

Friday, September 02, 2005

Zonkey <3

The adulterers bore me. If anyone wants to post about their adventures, they totally can, but I've had my cheating scumbag fix for the month. Our conclusion? Eh, there really isn't one. Adulterers are funny from the security of an email, especially when they send you hairy anus pictures without provokation. Chuckle. Since we've been mired in this intellectual insanity for weeks, it's time to dedicate an entry to Kelly Clarkson and zonkeys.

You kind of look like a two-bit hooker there, but no matter.
Kelly Clarkson is what would happen if you took the star power of Celine Dion and fed it food once in a while. She really started off on the wrong foot with that fucking 'A Moment Like This' song. That was horrid, mostly because Canadian Cuntsack Roommate used to sing it all the time. It was also sucky and sounded like Faith Hill on prozac. BUT, there was a light at the end of the tunnel, for Kelly found her niche on her second album: badass songs that Emma can bop her fluffy head to. There's only one bad song out of 12 on this baby, and the one somehow got released as a single, "Because of You." If she doesn't win 23 Grammys for that album, I give up. On life. My writing is deteriorating again because I'm getting excited. I'll stop prattling on and let you soak in the wonderment that is Kelly Clarkson.
P.S. American Idol should have stopped after the first season. They've had the Star Jones lookalike and Clay Gaykin. Ew. I think that's what Kathie Griffin calls him. Kathie Griffin is funnier than a rabid Swedish immigrant. (If you know what that alludes to, I'll dedicate an entry to you.)


Time for some zonkey goodness.


Equals dot dot dot.

Does anyone know how to crazy glue a moldy bookcase? My Steinbecks are homeless come il lupo.