Sunday, October 30, 2005

Klepto of my Heart.

I don't know what possesses me to keep doing this every year, or more importantly, what possesses people to ATTEND, but Winona marathons are nothing short of amazing. There is no way to accurately document this occasion, though Michelle's stellar photography is certainly a step in the right direction. It was an occasion involving little airport Diet Pepsi cans, 3000 calories consumed by an Indian that basically took a subway to play PSP on the futon, Russian snarls, mustaches, Presidential casting deliberations and awe-inspiring cinematic greatness from the most underappreciated actress of this generation.
We had excellent attendance for an event that is historically elitist, especially compared to that 80-person Oscar party of yesteryear. It included Maximillion Bojangles, the Subservient Indian, Devra B. Bogangles/Vanzetti, the Vegan, the Russian, soulless people and Michelle, among others. There was horrible acting, from Keanu Reeves scenery-chewing to Kirsten Dunst's perpetual look of constipation (which was exacerbated when Winona beat the SHIT out of her, ensuring her second Oscar nod - pun!), to sapphic sex scenes between Meryl and Glenn and Vincent Gallo's fisting of Winona.

Picture this, but smaller.
Weenie Enema thanks those who attended, and socially dismisses the people who claimed they were going to come but overdrew their debit accounts because they don't have a sense of fiduciary responsiblity or morals...which are needed to attend Winona's birthday party. Thanks also go to Inna for behaving and not slaughtering people, Kunal for not allowing the molestation of my stuffed bulldog to progress further and Michelle Williams, who was excellent in an episode of Dawson's Creek that I watched earlier in the day.
"And I can take all the jerks in the world climbing out of my bedroom window, but when Dawson Leery does it, it better be for me."

On a non-souless note, several of us had a conversation in the wee hours of the morning about how our parents were really upset about JFK Jr dying because he was this larger-than-life mythic figure that they grew up with, and we don't really have one because everyone is cunty in this day and age. We settled on Chelsea Clinton as the equivalent for today's generation.

If this family adopted me...I would totally be okay with it.

In honor of Winona's 34th birthday...a Winona montage of brilliance - chronologically.
Lucas - 1986:

Beetlejuice - 1988

Heathers - 1989

Edward Scissorhands - 1990

Mermaids - 1990

Dracula - 1992

Age of Innocence - 1993

Little Women - 1994

Reality Bites - 1994

How to Make an American Quilt - 1995

The Crucible - 1996

Alien Resurrection - 1997

Girl, Interrupted - 1999

Lost Souls - 2000

Simone - 2002

Oooh...we probably shouldn't include images of the trial. My bad.


I'm sure our faithful creator and contributor will update momentarily with a full accounting of last night's festivities, but for now, here are a number of pictures and the full text of my keynote speech, composed moments before the marathon on the steps of the Met.

The Fourth Annual "I Still Believe You, Winona" Movie Marathon

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Emma and Inna

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designed and violated by E.E. Grimshaw herself.

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what's up Glenn Close! moments later she made out with Meryl Streep. seriously.

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Kunal violates the animal.

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Die, Kirsten. The best part of this movie was watching Winona beat the hell out of her.

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I feel this picture makes Emma happy...somewhere.

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my speech:
"It's one thing to want someone out of your life, but it's another thing to serve them a wake-up cup full of liquid drainer." - Veronica Sawyer, Heathers

Four years ago, in the halls of Weinstein as we all know, Emma and Malsta spent an evening in celebration of the work of Hollywood's latest non-criminal, Winona Ryder. Four years on, and two decades of dark indie cinema later, we have all come together today in our final year at NYU on the thirty-fourth birthday of this luminary star-fucking actress to once again commemorate her weirdness.

Several hours ago at Kim's on St. Marks Place, a cashier asked me if I was renting Mermaids, Dracula, and House of Spirits today because it was Winona's birthday. As I explained myself, another cashier commented, "She's done more musicians than she's done films." Looking at her impressive chronology from the halls of Lucas to the psychiatric ward of Girl, Interrupted all the way through digital animation in some new Richard Linklater movie, I must say this is one hell of an acheivement, especially in an era of Courtney Loves, Paris Hiltons, and Crazy Megos, all of whom have let their bed-hopping tendencies far overshadow their careers. Winona, however, is none of this.

Mysterious, inebriated, insomniac, Salinger-addict, a non-blonde who plays the best characers in the best films, does the best men, and inspires the best parties, Winona Ryder is a hero without compare. And on her thirty-fourth birthday in the year 2006, I would like to say, no matter how much money she has, psychiatric disorders she acquires, or emo-boys she has her way with, no matter what the security cameras said, SHE DIDN'T DO IT.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Mmmbop Tampon Doo Wop.

In my time at NYU, I have had the privilage of encountering weird, random celebrities. There was the Britney Spears lingerie incident on University Place. The time Moby apologized for pushing my chair at Teeny's. Mandy Moore asking what book I was reading in Weinstein. Jon Meacham at Newsweek falling into my perfectly orchestrated trap regarding Bill Clinton's virginity. The list was added to tonight, when Devra Bogangles of Bogangledom ensured her place in the Badass Hall of Fame by acquiring free tickets to a screening of the new Hanson documentary, with a Q&A session featuring the Oklahoma lads themselves.
Full disclosure. My father thinks Hanson is a girl band. He bought Mmmbop because he thought the middle sister was cute. I don't believe he was ever alerted to the existence of their extroverted sexual organs. You can't really blame the guy.

Like you can tell.
This is where the band lost me. I thought the three singles off that first album were great. However, it NEVER made sense that these guys were tauted as JTT-like sex symbols. They weren't stud material. 1997 was the year of moptops, not lion manes.

When you type in mop top on Yahoo image search, you get this:

Surely, there is logic in this somewhere.

I'm getting off-track. So they showed this documentary, which was a good 90 minutes long. I'll never get that hour and a half back. It was bitchass long, and completely unnecessary. The idea behind the documentary is that Hanson had a rough time producing and recording their third album because the music industry is full of cunty people. This idea is regurgitated more times than Calista's lunch, and I almost killed the soulless people around me. It wasn't pretty. Here's the problem with this. The reason Hanson has trouble making this album happen is because the music isn't any good, and I know this because they were naive enough to supply yours truly with a free copy of the CD. Which I thank them for. Every song sounds the same, most of it is really slow and acoustic-y, and anyone with a true taste for pop culture knows that the best Hanson music is the rocking shit that maximizes Taylor's voice. It's bland. It's rectal cavity-esque.

But that's not the only problem with this whole documentary thing. We're supposed to feel sympathetic for their plight. They weren't able to get the third album off the ground for a few years. Boo fucking hoo. These people were lucky enough to score a HUGE fucking mother hit a couple of years ago, and tapped into the teenybopper culture at its very crest. Most people don't even get to make a successful SECOND album. Are we really supposed to feel bad because Hanson isn't that prolific? Come on. Props to Hanson for starting their own record label et cetera, but they're not going anywhere if they can't make good music.

Do not buy me. You could spend your time more efficiently by buying a fake mustache and walking down 8th Street
Which...I might have done. Tonight. Averts eyes.

AND, these fucking Sinn Fein Irish girls totally hijacked the Q&A session, it was insane. Who knew the Hansons had an Irish following? It was at that point that I decided that the audience didn't deserve to hear my questions, and I had two. Number one: what was the name of the song that had the music video where Weird Al pretends to be Bill Paxton from Titanic?

It's "River." I looked it up. But wouldn't that have been amazing to just ASK one of them? It would have killed me.

My second question involved them doing an interview on the blog. Now, this is probably not going to happen. It's not 1997 anymore, but I suspect Hanson has better things to do with their time than conduct irreverent chat room interviews with me and my decrepit band of raving looneys. Just a hunch. However, that didn't prevent me or Devra from writing down this blog's address on our documentary response sheets and handing them in. I suspect since Hanson gave off a very DIY vibe tonight that they'll actually look at those sheets firsthand, which means there's a minute minute MINUTE chance they'll look at this blog. Clearly, I am not insane, all about Hanson, but I don't think there's a single person alive that wouldn't take the opportunity to interview the Tulsa lads if given a chance. So, gentlemen - if you're reading this, we would love to have you here in the near future, even though I just gave your CD a scathing review and slammed your livelihood. God. I have no potential career in this business.

There WERE some positive aspects from this. They're a lot hotter than they were back in the day, because they finally cut their hair off and aren't draped in flannel like Cynthia Nixon's girlfriend. It was a pleasure to look at them, which you can't say for that many people.
Devra mentioned this on her response sheet, which I teased her for mercilessly because she wrote a treatise on the back of the paper, but it was a really good point. During the documentary, we're treated to these long-winded oratories by the Hanson brothers that are supposed to show their frustration about being treated like shit by the record label, but they just sound like ditzes. They don't come off very intelligient in the documentary, but the weird thing is, they sounded really fucking coherent tonight in person. They were very well-spoken and articulate, and I can't figure out for the life of me why the documentary doesn't convey that. Probably because it wasn't a good documentary.

One last point on this Hanson evening, and then I'll stop. The purpose of this entire evening was for Hanson to shed their teenybopper image and attempt this mature speaking tour where they discuss the problems with the music industry. More power to them, it's a good idea. The problem is, this event was open to pretty much anyone that had heard about it, so 80% of the people there were lame ass Hanson fans in Abercrombie. This event should have been made available to Tisch and music majors, none of the groupies. Hanson would have been able to make a more significant impact. I think they thought that they could somehow convert their old fans into acquiring this awareness, but come on. Dumb bitches are dumb bitches, and you can't change that, even if you're a Hanson.

I think it's time to blast some mad old school 7th grade music, starting with Mmmbop and ending with Jimmy Ray.

Come se dici one hit wonder?

P.S. I SO called the Harriet Miers withdrawal. God. What a weenie. I had a better chance of being confirmed. R.I.P. Swoosie Kurtz lookalike.

P.P.S. We totally need to conduct a forum about the NY Times bitchfest between Maureen Dowd and Judy Miller, if only because Maureen kicks SO much ass and is my favorite of all ness.

Monday, October 24, 2005

I Heart West Point Interviews Dot Net.

Theoretically, I could have gotten different interview subjects. I am in preliminary negotiations to get Joe Mazzello from Jurassic Park to do one, but he's been ignoring me so far. Fingers crossed. Anyway, tonight we did our second West Point interview and added another West Point cadet, Liam Walsh, to our panel for more perspective. I had to edit about 50 pages of Drunk Erin babbling about Angela Lansbury, but the purity of the interview has been preserved et cetera.

For your added understanding:
MyDadIsAWeenie - E. E. Grimshaw
BRags753 - Bobbie Ragsdale
bellasnodoubt - J
NYStateofMind623 - Morgan G.
LiamWalsh2 - Liam Walsh
HurricainFran - Drunk Erin
LadyKim1 - Kim Wong
KranBerrii - Sarah Alfone
QuietAmerican283 - Maximillion Bojangles

You have entered room "iheartbloginterviewsbojangles."
BRags753 has entered the room.
bellasnodoubt: this is sooooo awesome
bellasnodoubt: lets make out
BRags753: let's not
NYStateofMind623: oh god emma, whats this about now?
MyDadIsAWeenie: okay people
MyDadIsAWeenie: settle down
MyDadIsAWeenie: we are blessed with the presence
MyDadIsAWeenie: of TWO west point lads tonight
LiamWalsh2: ah yes
HurricainFran: Jocelyn and I are west point lads
MyDadIsAWeenie: we have bobbie ragsdale and liam walsh
bellasnodoubt: so bobbie whens the wedding
MyDadIsAWeenie: you can't just say that
MyDadIsAWeenie: you have to provide background so people know what you're talking about
Lady kim1: im confused
LiamWalsh2: i'm confused as well
bellasnodoubt: bobbie is engaged to this chick named grrrrl vicious
BRags753: not quite
HurricainFran: Someone named their kid grrrrl vicious?
BRags753: sigh
MyDadIsAWeenie: does anyone have any questions for the west point men? i feel we're very fortunate to get them tonight
Lady kim1: west point men: coke...or pepsi?
BRags753: coke
LiamWalsh2: coke
HurricainFran: Bobbie with an ie, heroin or coke?
BRags753: coke
MyDadIsAWeenie: this hurts my head
LiamWalsh2: i feel you
MyDadIsAWeenie: okay bobbie, since we last talked
MyDadIsAWeenie: you had plans to go down to new orleans and help out
MyDadIsAWeenie: what happened
BRags753: beaucracy and sensationalist people with no sense of commitment and short attention spans
BRags753: people stopped caring very quickly
Lady kim1: west point men: do you think emma was justified in her hatred of the rally monkey?
HurricainFran: Is the rally monkey what gave her a rash?
Lady kim1: yeah
LiamWalsh2: sure she was
LiamWalsh2: thing tried to kill her
KranBeRRii: just to let you all know
KranBeRRii: jocelyn is losing her mind right now
HurricainFran: she had one to begin with?
MyDadIsAWeenie: liam, many of our blog readers are familiar with bobbie from the previous interview
MyDadIsAWeenie: could you give us a little personal background and why you're at west point
LiamWalsh2: i come from a pretty broke family and wanted to be in the army
LiamWalsh2: college wanst going to work out otherwise
LiamWalsh2: and i wanted to be in the army pretty much
LiamWalsh2: west point sounded cool
LiamWalsh2: so then i went to school in roswell, nm for a year to get in here
HurricainFran: Did you see aliens?
MyDadIsAWeenie: i assume not everyone at west point does the same thing in the army - what do you and bobbie do respectively that differentiates you
BRags753: I try to be more social than most Cadets and more involved, and I also really try to embody the values and the mission. For me, it really is about service and people see that.
Lady kim1: ooo! west point men!! do you think that james van der beek and katie holmes would have an ugly child if they had one?
BRags753: Do I care
bellasnodoubt: listen bobbie
bellasnodoubt: when is your wedding
BRags753: I'm not engaged!
MyDadIsAWeenie: liam and bobbie - explain this whole non-marriage at west point thing
LiamWalsh2: it comes down to the fact that if the man is going to pay for you to go to school, they expect you to give it your all
BRags753: You can't have any dependants at West Point. That way nothing gets in the way of our studies and training
bellasnodoubt: yeah, but can you have sex?
BRags753: you can get laid, just not in the barracks
BRags753: and try not to have babies, cause that creates problems
MyDadIsAWeenie: but sneaking off to binghamton every weekend to your girlfriend is okay?
LiamWalsh2: yes
LiamWalsh2: if you are of the classes that have those privileges
BRags753: Actually, she lives across the river now. It's only 30 min. away
MyDadIsAWeenie: bobbie, you were saying something last night about an old school taco bell by west point
LiamWalsh2: is there a taco bell around here?
LiamWalsh2: cause that would change my life
BRags753: it's across the river, but yeah, it's got the old yellow sign and decor
LiamWalsh2: really?
BRags753: yeah, it's in Cold Spring I think, on Rt. 9
LiamWalsh2: bad ass
KranBeRRii: where is west point
LiamWalsh2: 50 miles north of nyc on the hudson
MyDadIsAWeenie: do you like the new supreme court nominee
MyDadIsAWeenie: because i think she's a cunt
LiamWalsh2: i really dont have too much of a stance on it
BRags753: I'm not sure she's qualified
MyDadIsAWeenie: based on what you do know, do you think she looks like swoosie kurtz
LiamWalsh2: well yeah
LiamWalsh2: i can agree on that one
BRags753: I as well
MyDadIsAWeenie: when you leave west point, you're obligated to be in the armed services for five years, correct?
LiamWalsh2: more like 8
LiamWalsh2: it's a 5 year active commitment
BRags753: 5 active, 3 reserve
BRags753: but the reserve is activated
LiamWalsh2: it's pretty much 8 years now
MyDadIsAWeenie: based on what you know about current events, where would you most likely spend those years
BRags753: Iraq, Afghanistan and Korea
LiamWalsh2: well, that's interesting, it depends on who you talk to
MyDadIsAWeenie: why does it depend
BRags753: what unit you go to
LiamWalsh2: also depends on our ability to keep these numbers up for that long
MyDadIsAWeenie: do you think you can
LiamWalsh2: as far as 150,000 in iraq
LiamWalsh2: we dont want to
MyDadIsAWeenie: but will you
LiamWalsh2 the time needs to come for us to pull out gradually, otherwise we get another ARVN on our hands that cant do anything without us
MyDadIsAWeenie: bobbie, last year we were talking about a possible draft and you said it wasn't a real possibility. why
BRags753: politically unfeasible
LiamWalsh2: i concur
MyDadIsAWeenie: why isn't the draft politically feasible
LiamWalsh2: think about it
LiamWalsh2: this is not a popular war in the least for a great deal of the country
LiamWalsh2: say what you will about kicking the vietnam syndrome
LiamWalsh2: but it hasnt happened
BRags753: beyond that, a draft Army is 10 fold harder to manage from the inside than an all volunteer one
MyDadIsAWeenie: with the elections and saddam on trial now, do you see that perception changing at all
BRags753: no
LiamWalsh2: no
LiamWalsh2: perceptions wont change
LiamWalsh2: i mean, what do i know, i'm a 23 year old college student
LiamWalsh2: but i dont see us doing it
BRags753: when people are forced to serve, morale is much much lower
LiamWalsh2: and the training wouldnt be as good because you force more people through than you can handle
MyDadIsAWeenie: how come you don't really hear about low army morale in previous wars, except for vietnam
LiamWalsh2: because we won them all
LiamWalsh2: flat and simple
LiamWalsh2: morale is always an issue
LiamWalsh2: but history is written by those who win wars
BRags753: Morale was a serious issue in the Civil War
BRags753: That's half the reason they blew up the slave thing... it was a motivator to tell Union Soldiers they were fighting to free a people and not just to keep a political entity united
QuietAmerican283: emma ask them if we're going to invade syria
MyDadIsAWeenie: you ask them
QuietAmerican283: are we going to invade syria, west point people?
QuietAmerican283: i saw the interview thing with condoleeza rice the other night and she wouldn't say yes or no, one way or another
LiamWalsh2: we dont have the troops to do it at all and the international reprecussions would be so high
MyDadIsAWeenie: why would syria even be an issue
LiamWalsh2: because they fuck with lebanon all the time
LiamWalsh2: if there is a country in the middle east that has the ability to sustain democracy, its lebanon
LiamWalsh2: but its been occupied for so long now
MyDadIsAWeenie: what about israel
LiamWalsh2: well, that's part of the problem there too
MyDadIsAWeenie: bobbie, weren't you saying that we should invade, theoretically, about six or seven countries
BRags753: If we could, resource and morale-wise, then yeah
BRags753: I mean, there are lots of countries that could use a good ass whoopin and restructuring, but it's just not feasible
MyDadIsAWeenie: which countries
BRags753: Sudan, Syria, N. Korea, China, Egypt, Saudi Arabia, Iran...
QuietAmerican283: why china?
LiamWalsh2: they're commies
LiamWalsh2: i'm just kidding
LiamWalsh2: i'm a big cold war history major
LiamWalsh2: so that's my reason for everything
BRags753: actually, it's half the reason. They are politically oppressive to their people and do not properly provide for them. The censor thought and ideas and art and they are America's greatest threat over the next 20 years
MyDadIsAWeenie: but when you lay it out like that, you're talking about a LOT of countries
BRags753: well, yeah
MyDadIsAWeenie: new question. 2008. who are they going to send out there to beat my bff
QuietAmerican283: hillary is about as likely to win as geena davis is
MyDadIsAWeenie: based on what
QuietAmerican283: on everything
MyDadIsAWeenie: i want to ask about condi
MyDadIsAWeenie: do the west point guys like her
BRags753: I like her
LiamWalsh2: i'm impartial
LiamWalsh2: again
MyDadIsAWeenie: liam, why are you impartial on life
LiamWalsh2: not life
LiamWalsh2: i think just most political issues
MyDadIsAWeenie: are most west point guys interested in politics?
LiamWalsh2: yes, most are i'd say
BRags753: I would say most, as well
LiamWalsh2: i remove myself from it most of the time because, just in my opinion, as a soldier, you are there to carry out policy, i have faith that the american public will put the right people into office and those people
LiamWalsh2: will make the decisions that are fight for the country
MyDadIsAWeenie: bobbie, is your view different from that in any way
BRags753: No, I agree, I'm just too opinionated to voluntarially not care
QuietAmerican283: ok west point guys....hillary-lesbian, or repressed lesbian?
MyDadIsAWeenie: STOP
MyDadIsAWeenie: SHE IS NOT
QuietAmerican283: hahaha
MyDadIsAWeenie: liam, when people argue with you about this war and the casualities, what do you tell them
LiamWalsh2: i tell them that they volunteered to join the armed services, it is a risk that you take. the mission we are pulling in iraq is one of worth
LiamWalsh2: it's tragic that you have soldiers dying over there, but it is a war and that happens
MyDadIsAWeenie: i assume most people at west point are fairly conservative and share a lot of these viewpoints
LiamWalsh2: yes
LiamWalsh2: for the most part
LiamWalsh2: its like one big damn group think
MyDadIsAWeenie: i'm interested in why there would be any liberally-oriented people there
BRags753: because conservatism and patriotism and duty are not synonyms
LiamWalsh2: because serving your country, i feel, is something that doesnt have to be tied to the red state/blue state feeling
LiamWalsh2: the military has always been conservative
LiamWalsh2: always will be
LiamWalsh2: just the nature of it
BRags753: Why are actors and rock stars liberal?
MyDadIsAWeenie: good question
LiamWalsh2: that it is
BRags753: the thought processes in acting are inherently biased to liberal thinking. The opposite is true with the military
MyDadIsAWeenie: britney spears is a republican
MyDadIsAWeenie: but she grew up in your state
BRags753: don't remind me

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Zachary Taylor! Don't Drink that Fetid Water or You'll Shit Yourself to Death!

As a Presidential groupie of sorts, I was shown the most recent rankings of our Presidents, compiled by what appear to be braindead historians with no concept of what it is to be amazingness defined. I am miffed beyond words.
For those of you who lack the strength to click the link, I have provided the list for you.
1 George Washington 4.94
2 Abraham Lincoln 4.67
3 Franklin Roosevelt 4.41
4 Thomas Jefferson 4.23
5 Theodore Roosevelt 4.08
6 Ronald Reagan 4.03
7 Harry Truman 3.95
8 Dwight Eisenhower 3.67
9 James Polk 3.59
10 Andrew Jackson 3.58
11 Woodrow Wilson 3.41
12 Grover Cleveland 3.34
13 John Adams 3.33
14 William McKinley 3.32
15 John Kennedy 3.25
16 James Monroe 3.24
17 James Madison 3.07
18 Lyndon Johnson 3.05
19 George W. Bush 3.01
20 William Taft 2.97
21 George H.W. Bush 2.95
22 Bill Clinton 2.93
23 Calvin Coolidge 2.77
24 Rutherford Hayes 2.73
25 John Quincy Adams 2.66
26 Chester Arthur 2.65
27 Martin Van Buren 2.63
28 Gerald Ford 2.61
29 Ulysses Grant 2.57
30 Benjamin Harrison 2.54
31 Herbert Hoover 2.50
32 Richard Nixon 2.40
33 Zachary Taylor 2.30
34 Jimmy Carter 2.24
35 John Tyler 2.23
36 Millard Fillmore 1.85
37 Andrew Johnson 1.75
38 Franklin Pierce 1.73
39 Warren Harding 1.65
40 James Buchanan 1.31

So much to say. First of all, they refused to include William Henry Harrison or James Garfield because they supposedly weren't around long enough to effectively gauge their performance. Balderdash dot net.

You should be at the BOTTOM of the list, not off of it completely. You didn't put your fucking coat on in Artic weather, and deprived this country of potentially badass leadership. I'm sorry, no. You're a cunt. I don't put my jacket on either, but that's because I have a puffy vest, and I don't have to worry about leading millions of people.

In my estimation, you should be second to last on this list. You at least stuck around for more than 30 days. But damn, what kind of President manages to piss off a deranged maniac like that within a few months? Fact - if you had been giving Charles Guiteau handjobs on the sly, you could have been up there with Jefferson. Jefferson hearts slave poon.

Now, on to the actual list at hand.

Roosevelt was kind of a commie, but he was a cripple. Cripple Commie is an example of alliteration. I have no beefs with the three men at the top.
HOWEVER, why isn't Woodrow Wilson in the near great category? Hell, I would argue for him being in the top spot, he was orgasmic. Yeah, he didn't appear to have a particular fondness for the blacks like Jefferson, and he wasn't about the Jews, but he took the high road and was all 14 Points and idealism and League of Nations. He should not be penalized for Henry Cabot Lodge being a DICKWEED and being all 'Fuck the League of Nations.'

I hope that dick you're sucking tastes good. Clithead.

Um, why is Harry Truman in the near great category? I heart Harry, but he only became President because he was in with the Missouri mobs and FDR was being politically cagey. Hell, the two never even talked before Truman became VP. You can read it in the David McCollough biography. It's orgasmic and it has pictures of Harry from World War I where he looks like Elijah Wood. I'm just mild about

The James Polk thing is a bit peculiar, since the only reason I can think he's up there is for...winning the Mexican War? That dumb war that doesn't get taught in schools because it was a cakewalk and dumb? Ooooh, maybe it was the border dispute with Britain, where America officially got Oregon, aka the end of the Trail. My wagon axel broke and I have cholera.

Why is Clinton in the average category? More importantly, why is Bush ABOVE him? I understand none of this. No matter, Hillary will topple them all.

My final beef, and then I will stop talking. Ulysses S. Grant is in the below average category, ABOVE Nixon. Does that make any sense? Grant was a nasty fuck with a cancerous throat and a drug problem who didn't know how to say no. Like Whitney to Bobby's fist. Or Katie Holmes to a Scientology booklet. Or Pauly Shore to 5,635 movies. Nixon fucking ended a war. Yeah, Watergate, blah blah blah. He made a speech about Checkers the dog. And he had a dirtier mouth than me. People get no respect.

V for vulva.

Monday, October 17, 2005

So I'm behind a little...

but that behind belongs to this man:

holy shit.
ps. Tea, I hate you.

Anyway, the point was, in all of EEG's orgasming over The Little Mermaid (and any and all orgasming is entirely appropriate--this movie was the love of my life for at least a year) she didn't even manage to post a pic of the way more appropriate original VHS case that I own. I will remedy her mistake now.

Don't you remember all the fun you had trying to find the penis on the cover? (I didn't find it until 2 months ago after 16 long years of searching. I'm pathetic.)

Hopefully, EEG won't forget to mention all the sexual references and allusions made in the other Disney movies considered classic to us not-really-Gen-Xers-but-not-quite-Gen-Yers.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

R.I.P. Rally Monkey. Oh Wait. You Tried to Kill Me. Eat Shit.

It's official: there was no rally in the House of the Monkey. I would consider going to a place that sounds like the bad movie Marlon Brando made right before he got ugly where he played that Japanese guy and squinted and embarrassed himself. Like Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany's. "Miss Golightly. It 2AM!" In honor of the White Sox mutilation of the monkey, here is a photo montage of a whole bunch of monkeys and a few hot people. Jeffrey Grimshaw sent me this ridiculous email about how I needed to get Chris Meloni's penis off my blog. What a weenie.

It smiles like Jonathan Lipnicki.
Oh my God. Guess what that kid looks like now.

You know you are a freak of nature if TOM CRUISE looks uncomfortable standing next to you. This is the same guy that hits himself with animal semen to get off. Poor Jonathan Lipnicki. And why does he think he's Aaron Carter? Ugh. It's like imitating a pebble on the street. Our prayers are with him to the end.

I may make the monkey a regular feature. Now that I got to watch him crash and burn, my love for him is coming back. Sort of like how Bobby beats Whitney and she comes back...except she keeps taking it. I would never let the monkey touch me again. Dear Whitney, you should have married Kevin Costner. He respects the black poon.

SNUFF!!!!!!! <3

Nick from Italian class has agreed to do something very badass and amazing, which is so not like him, so I feel we should indulge this temperament change. If someone can find out which dorm Chelsea was in when she went to Stanford, he will walk over there and take a picture of it. Why? I don't have a good reason, it would amuse me. I bet there isn't a single blog in the planet with a picture of that shit. It's like asking why Casper is the best movie ever. These things don't need long-winded explanations.

"Can I keep you?"

I'm doing an online experiment in which I randomly im people and ask if I can keep them, to see if they get it. It has been a disappointment, with the exception of Malsta Coppenrath.
MyDadIsAWeenie: can i keep you?
malsta48: oh devon
malsta48: SAWAWAWA
Most were like this:
MikeJ113: can you keep me?

God. Soulless bastards.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

It's Not About Winning, Sebastian. Whoops. Wrong Movie.

I plan on vigilently documenting the monkey until the Angels finally got eliminated. I'm well aware that many people are anti-the blogging of Rally Monkey vitriol, but it tried to kill me. If Sharon Stone tried to kill me, I would post daily updates of her existence until some divine force realized that she committed the heinous crime of attempting to end my life before my Great American Novel "Two Lamborghinis and Antonin Scalia" was published, and she was mutilated. It would apply to anyone.

Thank you for not being like the Rally Monkey.

So last night, the Angels got a metaphorical pole shoved up their ass, when an umpire totally fucked up a call, directly resulting in the winning run for the White Sox. Somewhere, that monkey is ruing the day it came in contact with me.

This week, we are doing a special retrospective on the Golden Age of Disney, which conveniently occurred when my brethren and I were between the ages of 5 and 10. A glorious time to be alive. I got sent to the principal during that time because my teacher - who at one point actually said that left-handed people were mentally challenged - thought my parents were being negligent. I was given the responsibility of packing my own lunch, and I had carefully taken a giant Tupperware container and filled it with Doritos. I was the envy of all. After that, my dad gave me a crustless sandwich and a Nutri-grain bar every day. I usually trade the Nutri-grain bar for one of those Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle apple pies. Glee.

For those of you who were either out of the country between 1989 and 1995, or did not own a television set, there were four movies released by Disney during that time that are absolutely Badass Beyond All Things. If you don't know what they are, you're going to have to be patient while we examine each one individually. Today's movie is The Little Mermaid.

How INCREDIBLE is this movie? It has everything: a giant octopus that looks like Rosie after she mutilated her hair, a fish that looked like me after I mutilated my hair, the studliest human male lead in ANY Disney movie, and at least 4 poop jokes. When the eels are incinerated at the end, and Ursula goes, 'My poor little poopsies," I literally peed myself in the theater. My grandmother was mad embarrassed.

Flotsam, Jetsum, now I've got her boys, the boss is on a roooolllll!

Fucking eels.

If you're going to analyze a Disney movie, you need to include a huge chunk of shizzle to the music. Now, compared to some of the other movies that will be discussed here, The Little Mermaid bites it. The opening track when they take us through the kingdom rocks like nothing else, as does "Part of the World," if only because I orgasm at that fucking treasure trove she's compiled. Some of that shit was just incredible.

Hast mine eyes deceived me? It looks like a dinglehopper! Scuttle, you crazy fuck.

I am definitely going to need Abbi to offer further commentary, because there is so much that needs to be said, and I'm going to forget most of it. I want to do King Triton. If he shaved off the white billowing beard.

Uh. Why are there Japanese subtitles?