Friday, December 29, 2006

In Honor of Hot Presidents.

As most of my readers know, I have the highest regard for US Presidents, regardless of political affiliation. There are certainly Presidents with policies that I completely disagree with who don't appear to have any of the qualities necessary to actually perform their job competently - cough cough, Jimmy Carter, cough cough - but I'm always fascinated by the people who somehow separate themselves from their peers and end up becoming the face of this country.

I haven't decided if they all had some indelible quality that led to their political ascension, or if the 43 men just happened to seize the initiative at the right place and time. This country has had Presidents who were lawyers (TONS of them), teachers/professors, military men (again, A LOT. It was practically a requirement until people in the late 1800s got sick of hearing about candidates who had been in the Civil War decades earlier), diplomats, actors, journalists, farmers, and the list legitimately could go on for quite a while. But with the passing of Gerald Ford, whose two-year Presidency was doomed when he decided to pardon a criminal whose only positive attribute appears to be the wonderful Checkers speech of 1952, we are officially reaching the end of an era: the 20th century Presidential athletic studmuffin.

I am not suggesting that Gerald Ford was amazingly good looking on his death bed or even when he was President in the mid-70s. However, Ford was one of several Presidents born in the early 1900s who happened to be intensely hot with athletic prowess. We won't reach the end of that golden age until George H.W. Bush dies, but I think this is an important political quality that is often deemed too superficial for a legitimate discussion. That ends today.

Gerald Ford: 1913-2006.

We start our journey with President Ford, who chose to bypass a lucrative professional football career with the Detroit Lions to enter politics. Ford played center and lineback for the Michigan Wolverines' two championship teams in 1932 and 1933, and was their MVP in 1934. In the preceding decades, particularly between 1880 and 1900, you had a lot of men with political acumen who bypassed an opportunity to represent their country because they could make more money in the industrial sector. Clearly, the Presidency suffered as a result. I think it says a lot about Ford, who could have easily gone the same route via athletics, that he chose to get into politics. Hard. Core. And look at that jawline.

JFK: 1917-1963.

We're making an exception for JFK because he was probably the only genuinely hot President besides MAYBE James Polk, and he's holding a puppy. Also, he served in the Navy during WWII and totally mutilated his back towing a wounded soldier for three miles in the ocean. I suspect the physical nature of his tenure in the Navy can be comparable to, say, a collegiate athletic career. Though he loses points for nonexistent Presidential muscle tone, it was during an age when the only people who DID have muscle tone were Marlon Brando and Olympic athletes. (Note: Arnold Schwarzenegger did not start accruing massive muscular goodness until the early 1960s.)

Ronald Reagan: 1911-2004.

Reagan was not an amateur athlete, BUT he did play collegiate football player George Gipp in Knute Rockne, All American. One suspects he had to at least know how to PLAY football and fill out the uniform to be in the movie. We ARE talking about a former high school lifeguard, after all. Besides, even if he were only a pseudo athlete, he won national elections with cliche football-related utterances ("Win one for the Gipper!"), and the existences of Edward G. Robinson and Steve Buscemi notwithstanding, aesthetics have always been rather important in the movie industry.

George H.W. Bush: 1924-

George Bush is the baseball version of Gerald Ford. Both participated in championship games for their respective sport, Bush helming a Yale squad that had back-to-back appearances in the first two College World Series in 1947 and 1948. Some credit must also be given for his obvious influence on George W. Bush, who became the first former Little Leaguer in the White House.

While much of this post has been dedicated to a less-than-thought-provoking topic, my athletic montage is only a precurser to a larger issue. These men represent a generation that for all intents and purposes is gone and forgotten. When people look at George H.W. Bush, they don't see a clean-cut collegiate baseball star - they see an old man in his 80s who trades laughs and hugs with Bill Clinton during humanitarian missions to Indonesia.

DB Bogangles and I had a rousing discussion today about the topic at hand, and she respectfully disagrees with much of my argument, quickly pointing to other Presidents from this generation who were neither athletic or as all-American as I believe these aforementioned men appeared to be. By no means am I saying that Ford, JFK, Reagan and H.W. Bush were perfect men who embodied all of the positive attributes of this country's past generation; however, I think they were often looked upon as representatives from that era, and one of the qualities that best typified that homegrown aura was the emergence of athletics into our national culture. You certainly never saw pictures of Jefferson on the gridiron.

I OWN photoshop.

Of course, DB Bogangles immediately brought up Nixon. He certainly grew up in this generation, but he was flabby, gross and beyond corrupt. My theory doesn't hold up. Well, that would be true if my argument was that EVERY SINGLE PERSON born between 1900 and 1930 was nobility defined. I'm not even claiming that a MAJORITY of the people from this generation were geuinally good people. What I AM saying is that with the changing times, American culture began manufacturing individuals into an ideal cookie-cutter all-American persona that fit in well with comfortable domestic images of apple pie, stable households with disposable income. People like Nixon did not bring this generation down, despite having ties to it. When Nixon officially went under in 1974, he undoubtedly tarnished the Oval Office and much of the public's image of politics, but no one pointed to the people from his era and said, "You've all been officially tainted by Nixonian corruption!"

THAT is why I think Gerald Ford is incredibly important to the political dialogue. He didn't have a particularly distinguished Presidency. Not only was it limited in time and scope, but so much of it was overshadowed by the circumstances that elevated him to the position to begin with. But I believe his tenure in the White House had a lot of subtle importance to it. People who had a bad taste in their mouths from the previous Administration got a bit of a respite from the nasty political shenanigans that doomed Nixon to infamy. Of course, that brings us back to the reason a virtual unknown from Georgia was able to come out of nowhere and take the White House in 1976. The decision to pardon Nixon will always be highly questionable and the subject of unending debate, which is sad because it stands in stark opposition to what Ford was trying to do - move on and try to get the bad taste out of the mouths of the American people. I personally don't know if it was the right decision or not, and the fact that this country has had 30 years to decide without arriving at a consensus suggests that it's never going to be answered.

In conclusion, I leave you with a montage of Presidential pets, the REAL heroes at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Him and Her Johnson! This has to be the only time the mainstream media has officially covered a female creature sunning her naughty bits on the White House lawn.


Liberty Ford! Who...doesn't seem to mind having a photo op whilst pups tug at her udders. Presidential pets are a peculiar breed.

Misty Malarky Ying Yang Carter! Held by the female Ron Howard?

Rex Reagan! Say what you will about the Reagans, they know how to dress their animals.

Millie Bush! I have no trouble believing that Barbara spent her entire time in the White House doing that.

SOCKS CLINTON! My personal favorite of the Presidential pets, who withstood the appearance of Buddy Clinton with dignity and grace befitting such a creature.

Ofelia Bush! Despite the fake nature of this picture (it makes my Jefferson gridiron picture look like a masterpiece), there legit is a cow at the Crawford ranch that's considered a pet. I love the bovine. See burger, ham.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

If I Saw Judi Dench on the Street, I Would Cover My Down There Parts and Run.

4 stars.
What? 4 stars? Emma, you NEVER give ANYTHING 4 stars. Ah, tis true. It literally happens less than once a year. The Post gave about 10 or 15 of them this year. I'm not about that. 4 stars is supposed to mean as close to perfection as you humanly can get, and I don't think you should be overly generous with such bestowments. However, you give credit where it's due, and it's definitely deserved here - to the point where I have officially forgiven Cate Blanchett for stealing an Oscar from Natalie Portman two years ago. Yes, she was good enough that I voluntarily dissolved the feud that has consumed my soul since February of 2005. I know. Intense. But Natalie is totally going to win one, unless she chooses to have her career highlight in the same year Charlize gets raped in a movie for the umpteenth time.

We forgive, but you still should not be rewarded for impersonating people. Especially Hepdawg.

If you will recall, I mentioned this movie in passing in my review for Babel. Devra and I saw a preview for it and were completely blown away because it looked like a hybrid of The Mary Kay Letourneau Story, Brokeback Mountain and Hush. Now, the Hush aspect WAS there, but not nearly enough to warrant my premature conclusion that it represented a third of the film's genetic makeup. Pretend I said Harriet the Spy, because the destruction Judi Dench wreaks on Cate Blanchett is much more emotional and hinges on written personal thoughts than on any actual physical damage.

If Rosie was Harriet. And 80. Shiver.

First, the Mary Kay aspect. Cate Blanchett has an affair with a high school student with way too many freckles, wolf eyes and the sexiest Irish accent known to man. When Drunk Erin and I saw this with other creatures at the free screening on Wednesday, you could almost feel the audience becoming more receptive and lusting for this Balto lookalike after getting used to his strange features. By the time he's prancing around Cate's artistic hovel naked with an elf hat on, audible murmurs of sexual attraction were swarming around the theater - and most of the people in there were Judi Dench's age. Speaking of age, it turns out the kid is actually 16 in real life. I am officially old. And kind of a pervert, I think.

If this kid came up to you and said, "You smell like cat feces," you would get hot and bothered because Irish accents make everything okay.

Now, the Brokeback theme actually is more dominant than the Mary Kay storyline, as difficult as that is to believe/see. The entire premise for the movie is that Judi Dench is hardcore in love with Cate Blanchett, so a healthy chunk of the film is devoted to Judi's roving eyes sweeping up and down Cate's body. I'm not even kidding. I suppose the Harriet the Spy concept is sort of intertwined with Brokeback, since Judi's diary is just full of crazy (though suprisingly well-written) shizzle about manipulating women and doting over a perfectly cast Maine Coon cat.

Supporting Actress nom?

This is Judi Dench's movie. I haven't seen a character this repulsive and fascinating since the pig carcass in Lord of the Flies. Everything she does is cold, calculated and designed for a future sapphic encounter that you keep praying will never happen. On one hand, you sort of feel bad for her because she literally has no one to talk to except a journal and a dying long-haired cat, neither of which can offer any barely-closested geriatric lesbian advice. However, two-thirds of the way in, it's pretty easy to see why Judi Dench only has feline companionship, and not the sexual euphemism kind. She's a total cunt and appears to be a creepily altered version of Kevin Kline in Sophie's Choice, minus the domestic violence, schizophrenia, and taking advantage of emotionally destroyed Holocaust victims. Her version of love involves doing a weird stroking thing with Cate Blanchett's forearms, blackmailing Cate into spending time with her, watching her take a dump, and then writing about it. (Yes, somehow, Cate has made back-to-back movies involving embarassing bathroom moments. At least this time she didn't have Brad Pitt's pee-stained paw stroking her cheek.)

Generally speaking, when you review a movie, the first thing you try to think about are the weaknesses. Simply put, there aren't any here. Judi and Cate are absolutely stellar, and the supporting cast is just as good. The writing is incredibly witty and intelligent, and no one knows how to deliver pithy, dry bombs like Dench. There was a line Judi uttered towards the end of the movie about Judas and the Book of Matthew that had Erin and I gaping at each other. (The essence escapes me, but if someone sees it and emails me the quote, I will totally give them 3 cents and an official acknowledgement.) Patrick Marber's Golden Globe nomination for the screenplay is well deserved, and expect Philip Glass to get an Oscar nomination for the score.
The one universal complaint that I hear about Notes is that it's uncomfortable. I'm not sure if that's something legitimate you can complain about, because any rational person should go into this movie knowing the basic elements in play. Yes, there's older woman/nubile boy sex, aethetically unappealing sexual desires and Blanchett poo, but with the exception of the latter incident, you should know all of that going in. Therefore, consider this your warning. If you do not like Maine coon cats or Balto-eyed Irish boys having nookie with Cate Blanchett, don't you dare go see this and then claim you were uncomfortable.

"Judi, stop using me as a manipulation tactic for your sordid poon games!"

Thursday, December 14, 2006

The Hollywood Foreign Press Does Not Acknowledge Hungarian Actresses With Fetuses (Fetii?) in Their Wombs.

Despite a crushing snub of both Mariska and Meloni, the Golden Globes have substantiated my pretentious film/TV opinions on basically everything else. I'm ignoring the TV noms because they never officially recognized the greatness of The OC Season 1 or Dr. Quinn, but I may do a quick-fire round at the end. Depending on how I feel. And if someone makes me do work whilst constructing this gem.

Best Motion Picture - Drama.
The Departed.
Little Children.
The Queen.
Man. Bobby is the answer to the questions, "What doesn't belong here?" and "Why did Emilio Estevez let an anonymous man from the Hollywood Foreign Press Association suckle him for two hours last week? Although if there IS a conspiracy involving the addition of Bobby and the subtraction of Flags of our Fathers, I hope it involves Teddy K.
Weenie Enema selection: Babel. But we heart Little Children, so that would be acceptable to our
palate as well.

If Babel had actually been about the tower, there wouldn't even BE other nominees. Fact.

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture - Drama.
Penelope Cruz - Volver
Judi Dench - Notes on a Scandal
Maggie Gyllenhaal - Sherrybaby
Helen Mirren - The Queen
Kate Winslet - Little Children
This list scares the absolute shizzle out of me. Thirty years from now, Maggie Gyllenhaal can regale her grandchildren with tales of being included in one of the strongest, most badass categories in the history of mankind. Everyone in there but her is dangling from the precipice of movie immortality, and they all turned in sterling performances that have to be considered some of the best of their careers - careers that have included some incredible roles in great movies. And yes, I'm still seething over Helen Hunt stealing an Oscar from K-Wizzle. You don't just get over that kind of disgrace.
Weenie Enema selection: I would like to say this is going to be a three-horse race between Penelope, K-Wizzle and Helen Mirren, and even though I heart K-Wizzle and think she was amazing, these things always go to the aged prune. K-Wizzle is going to end up having 14 nominations and nothing to show for it.

I hope during her acceptance speech we actually get to find out if she had prosthetic old lady legs.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture - Drama.
Leonardo DiCaprio - Blood Diamond
Leonardo DiCaprio - The Departed
Peter O'Toole - Venus
Will Smith - The Pursuit of Happyness
Forest Whitaker - The Last King of Scotland
Patrick Wilson, you need to call a lawyer and sue someone. What an egregious error on the part of the Hollywood Foreign Press. I think we all could have dealt with removing the South African Shit Accent and letting the God of Little Children be recognized for some exceptional hardcore work. Also, if you see someone, even Leo, getting nominated twice in the same category, your first assumption should rightly be that it was a weak year for actors. Ridiculous. Even though All the King's Men ate it, Sean Penn was great, and you could legitimately name several other actors that deserved to be noticed, including Michael Sheen for The Queen, undoubtedly Cloon-Dawg for the Good German (though maybe that didn't get released in time to be considered?), Ryan Phillipe for Flags of our Fathers and Matt Damon for The Departed.
Weenie Enema selection: Even though voters will salivate over the
chance to honor 103-year-old Peter O'Toole, Forest was too frightening
to be ignored. If you manage to carve up Kerry Washington and hang
James McEvoy on hooks by his skin, you can probably figure out a way to snare a Globe.

GHOST DOG! Is he standing in front of the pigeon coop from On the Waterfront? Marlon?

Best Motion Picture - Comedy or Musical.

The Devil Wears Prada.
Little Miss Sunshine.
Thank You for Smoking.
I may be one of the two or three people in the entire country who has absolutely no interest in seeing Borat, but I'm not hating on the infinite number of creatures smitten with the mustachioed Kazak. Now that I'm studying the list, I'm realizing that I never had much interest in seeing any of these, although I'm mildly intrigued by Little Miss Sunshine. I have some moral qualms about paying money to see Katie Holmes in a movie, since I've been bombarded with pictures of her Scientology zygote and herpes sores over the last two years for free. Maybe it's just me. Shrug.
Weenie Enema selection: Even though Beyonce can never be stopped (perspective: she's basically my age, so she could be doing this forever), too many people heart Borat and his creepy pastel suit.

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture - Comedy or Musical.
Annette Bening - Running with Scissors
Toni Collette - Little Miss Sunshine
Beyonce Knowles - Dreamgirls
Meryl Streep - The Devil Wears Prada
Renee Zellweger - Miss Potter
It's not that some of these actresses aren't amazing (word up, Meryl), but when you compare this to the drama category, it's not even close. Annette would probably be considered an even higher-tier actress if she didn't keep having her career performances in the same year as Hilary Swank, and didn't keep signing on to movies no one knows about. Stop a random person on the street and ask them if they saw Julia. They'll grin and nod, and say they just saw her at Whole Foods. Seriously, try it.
Weenie Enema selection: I don't care what the PC mavens say about Beyonce. She will always be the frontwoman of a shitty girl group that didn't know how to release singles without repeating words ("Jumpin, Jumpin," "No, No, No") with lyrics about not being prepared for what one assumes is jam, but is in actuality flabby asses. See Licious, Booty. That is not going to make sense to anyone who doesn't know the song. Sigh. If Meryl doesn't win, it basically equals a crime against humanity.

She has the haunches of a pug, and I mean it in the nicest way possible. Are haunches the tops or the bottoms of legs? Hmm. Maybe it's different for humans and pugs. Maybe I'm an idiot. Ignore me.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture - Comedy or Musical.
Sacha Baron Cohen - Borat
Johnny Depp - Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
Aaron Eckhart - Thank You for Smoking
Chiwetel Ejiofor - Kinky Boots
Will Ferrell - Stranger Than Fiction
Let's quickly look over the list...yep...didn't see any of them. No matter. Ignorance has never prevented me from sharing my opinion. I have no idea what Kinky Boots is. All I know is that when I try to think of a word that describes kinky, I can only think of...kinky. That's onomatopoeia. Kind of. As much as I like Johnny Depp, and I think it was really cool that he got nominated for an Oscar for a comedic role, which happens about once every 50 years, I can't stand the Pirates movies, even though Keira owes them her life.
Weenie Enema selection: Once again, we bow down to public opinion and go with that weird Borat guy. Although if Will Ferrell won (which he won't because it's just the literary version of The Truman Show), it would be fun to see if he just stopped making crappy comedies and started making interesting movies. Dream. On.

Kerplunk is an example of onomatopoeia. It is also one of the two sucky Green Day albums before Dookie.

Best Animated Feature Film.
Happy Feet.
Monster House.
Where's Blue Mego when I need her? Why can't Disney enter another golden age and make this easy for me? Remember when Disney churned out The Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin and The Lion King in about a five-year span? Now it's shizzle like Treasure Planet and Tarzan movies without Casper Van Dien's jawline. Growl.
Weenie Enema selection: Despite the hunkified grizzled presence of Paul Newman's voice, how can you deny the power of dancing penguins, particularly after the spectacular wonderment of their 2005 March?

That will never not be funny. Tip: Use nearest available magnifying glass for view of miniscule nips.

Best Foreign Language Film.
Letters From Iwo Jima.
The Lives of Others.
Pan's Labryinth.
If you had asked me yesterday whether a movie that depicted Mayan genital mastication had a chance of getting nominated for anything, I would have nodded nobly and created an E.E. Grimshaw Award Ceremomy of Sorts that would allow it to get honored for such gratuitous testes munching. I no longer have to do that.
Weenie Enema selection: The Lives of Others looks really interesting, but alas, it will not be making an appearance at the IFC Center until at least February. Thankfully, Volver has been released in New York in a timely fashion, and it is amazingness defined. If Dreamgirls blows as much as I hope it does, Volver should get a legit Oscar nod, i.e., not for Foreign Film, but for the whole shebang.

Genital eating funny.

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture.
Adriana Barraza - Babel
Cate Blanchett - Notes on a Scandal
Emily Blunt - The Devil Wears Prada
Jennifer Hudson - Dreamgirls
Rinko Kikuchi - Babel
Boy, was I ever wrong about the Foreign Press honoring Cate for peeing her pants in Babel. I'm not sure how she's more deserving for a role in which it appears she plays an adulterous schoolteacher who's being stalked by potential lover Judi Dench, but the literal second after I leave the theater, I'll be sure to share my feelings with the world. That movie fascinates me beyond anything. And who called the Rinko nomination? Shockingly, Elle Fanning was spurned of her first nod, but I'm sure Dakota will work her magic next year for whatever dog and pony show Elle's peddling. And if that Dakota rape movie comes out at the right time, look for both Fanning sisters to be in the running. <3.
Weenie Enema selection: We still don't think Dreamgirls looks all that good, but if attention can be successfully diverted away from Beyonce in the process, so much the better. I heart people who upstage Beyonce. Jennifer Hudson in a walk.

Things we have learned this year: Flashing your poon multiple times and pretending to be deaf guarantees nothing. It should, but it doesn't.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture.
Ben Affleck - Hollywoodland
Eddie Murphy - Dreamgirls
Jack Nicholson - The Departed
Brad Pitt - Babel
Mark Wahlberg - The Departed
If there was anyone more annoyed than me by an addition (or glaring absence) in this entire list of nominations, it was probably Scary Spice when she saw this section. Eddie Murphy better hope he doesn't win, because all of the Spice Girls will storm the stage and perform an impromptu rendition of "Mama." Which would be amazing, but only to me. That said, Ben Affleck should have been banned from Hollywood after Daredevil came out, but I suppose if Jessica Alba is still allowed to make movies, you can't grant exceptions, even if he DID steal $10 and two hours from me.
Weenie Enema selection: I thought Mark Wahlberg was a good time, even though it was kind of a one-note character. However, I'm going to be ballsy and go with Brad Pitt, because that scene where he's silently sobbing on the phone with his kid is just hardcore. And he DID have to film a lot of that with Cate Blanchett, so he has my sympathy as well.

Sporty Spice must have LOVED the photo shoot for this album cover.

We're having a Golden Globes party on January 15. Be there.

Olivia will be attending.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006


I thought it was high time we dedicate a post to one of my favorite concepts ever - anthropomorphic bears, i.e, bears that act like humans. A list of the best anthropomorphic bears has been compiled.

1. Paddington Bear. (also a top Kim Wong pick)

This guy came into work today wearing a coat that looked EXACTLY like Paddington's. But the guy looks like Bambi, which makes the image a little difficult to describe, but it was flat out amazing and thoroughly amused me for about 15 minutes, during which I did some research on Paddington and discovered a shit ton of information about him that I had completely forgotten during the aging process. For instance, while Paddington is largely considered British, having been named after Paddington Station in London, he's actually from Peru. His Aunt Lucy sent him to England as a stowaway - entirely inconceivable in this day and age, although maybe they should do an updated story about Paddington's misadventures with airport security and racial bear profiling. I would buy it.

Paddington Bear and the K-9 Unit: A Paddington Bear Homeland Security Book

2. Mr. Wiggles.

Interestingly, this was the only bear on the impromptu list I created who was also not cross-referenced on the Wikipedia list of fictional bears. I'm not sure if that's ignorance or good taste on the part of Wikipedia, but the quality of their site has clearly diminished as a result.
Mr. Wiggles is an INCREDIBLY offensive character in an INCREDIBLY offensive comic strip called Rehabilitating Mr. Wiggles that appears in the free weekly New York pape New York Press. When I put incredibly in caps, it means that it's so offensive, that sometimes even I get mildly disgusted. That's not to say I don't love it, but if you've ever read anything on this blog and found it offensive, you probably would despise the comic. And probably get hardcore nauseous. For further reference, this is the kind of strip that makes me chuckle and cringe simultaneously for a good 20 minutes:

See what I mean? It's so inappropriate, but...I'm positive I've said pretty much the same kind of thing to Drunk Erin a million times, especially about Dakota Fanning. Heh. Must not laugh. Mmph.

If you go to, you can find literally hundreds of other comics like this, some of them even grosser. Mr. Wiggles chain smokes, regularly uses hookers for sexual gratification, I suspect is a legit junkie, and does things with poop that even Devra couldn't think of. He is clearly the anti-Paddington.

3. Snuggle Bear (also a top Devra pick).

Mr. Wiggles would do something very naughty with Snuggle if given the chance. But that's because Snuggle is so snuggly and cottony and detergenty...I don't know about you, but I have ALWAYS loved the smell of laundromats, and I used to play cards with my Milford homedogs in our local laundromat until I got thrown out for eating hamburgers. True story. Snuggle personifies (hence the anthropomorphism theme) laundry goodness, and his only fundamental weakness is that, despite his fluffy wonderment, he lost out the primo spot on my pillow to a balding, leprosy-ridden teddy named Big Bear. Was Snuggle a boy or a girl? I'm pretty sure I often see him referenced as a he, but he's kind of...fey. I don't know any straight guys that giggle while throwing soft fleece comforters in the air. Yes, I know Weenie Brian does that, that's exactly my point.

4. The Coca-Cola Polar Bears.

Is it uncool to admit that when I was about 13, there was a Coke commercial with these bears that made me cry? Eh, probably. No matter. They wear scarves, have snowball fights and drink Coke. That is beyond neat. I'm trying to remember why the commercial made my cry. I think the little polar bear dropped a Coke bottle into the Arctic or...broke a snowman and got upset, and I in turn did the same. That was probably a bit TMI. Averts eyes. We heart the Coke bears, even thought we are official adherents to the Pepsi methodology of goodness.

5. Winnie the Pooh (also a BRags top pick).

He's so much more likable naked.
I feel rather saddened that the original image of Winnie has been diluted so much by updated television series and distorted merchandise. People forget that he was the star of the Greatest Book of All Time, The House at Pooh Corner, which has some of the most noble lines ever written. They just blow my mind:
"Pooh, promise you won't forget about me, ever.
Not even when I'm a hundred," said Christopher Robin.
Pooh thought for a little while. "How old shall I be then?"
Pooh nodded. "I promise," he said.

There's another quote with Piglet that I adore, but every time I cite it, someone makes a gay joke, and I feel Pooh and Piglet are so beyond that sort of shizzle.
Portly stuffed animals are amazing, and I fear that our generation will soon forgot that at the beginning, Pooh was but a simple teddy with very little brain. Sigh.

6. Too-Tall Grizzly.

Oh, those crazy Berenstain Bears and their orsine villains that dress like James Cagney.
Too-Tall Grizzly was, like so many child-targeted villains, infinitely more interesting than the protagonists shoveled into the unknowing traps of countless toddlers. Brother and Sister Bear were beyond useless, although somewhere in the nethers of my house in New Jersey is a picture of Big Bear meeting Brother Bear at a bookstore signing with their snouts touching. (Back when Big Bear had a snout.) That was legitimately one of the top 10 greatest moments from my childhood. Too-Tall had his own posse of bears, and I believe they wore the same outfit. But most of the orsos in Bear Country did that. So unimaginative in the fashion department.

7. The Soviet Union bear from the Ronald Reagan 1984 election.

This doesn't really count because the bear isn't doing any fun human things, but since the underlying message is that the bear is a symbol of the Soviet Union, I have granted it an exception. It kind of makes me like the Soviet Union, but then I'm disgustingly pro-bear. Also, it was a very effective campaign ad, probably one of the best TV ones ever at least, and made Mondale look even lamer. As if that were possible. This is not widely known, but if Al Gore had had a bear commercial during the 2000 campaign, Hillary would be in the White House right now. I have no data backing that up, unless you count my senile Hill BFF rants as legitimate science. You probably shouldn't.

8. Aloysius from Brideshead Revisited (Honorable Mention).

Another bear that has no human qualities, but it appears to be named after the 15-pound purple weight underneath my futon, and, like Big Bear, has been taken along on collegiate and high school joy rides around the countryside. They have a kinship like no other.

I promised my cousin that I would mention his favorite bear, Richard Hatch. While this completely ruins any argument or showcase I was creating here, Weenie Enema officially supports genetic loyalty. To further clarify, I support my cousin's wish, not Richard Hatch's to be gross and naked.

Monday, December 11, 2006

A Blogroll Update of Sorts.

I generally do not indulge in many of the preconceived blogger practices, though I make exceptions for Karol's blogger parties and the occasional legitimate link. However, inspired by Barry, I have decided to update the blogroll on the side of the blog as a combination of a shoutout to blogger acquaintances and a promotion of political sites that I look at daily for my news intake.
1. WardensWorld.
Barry used to work with me at the Transcript, and he has proven to be a fairly reliable commentator on Weenie Enema. What I enjoy even more is when he goes over to Alarming News and starts shizzle with the right-wing commentators. It tends to ooze profanity and mouthdroppingly obscene target practice, and I am kind of all about that. I think his blog is prettier than mine, and if you're into football and left-wing political shizzle, go on over there.

2. Kesher Talk.
Judith slays me. She has gone out of her way several times to compliment me, and if you will recall, she was the badass wearing the UN Rapist sticker at Karol's party. While my blog material NEVER overlaps with hers, maybe that's a good thing, because you can go to her blog knowing that you're not going to find any of her material over here. It's mostly current events from a Jewish perspective, which I enjoy. Thumbs up.

3. Rush-Mush.

This is Ivan Lenin's blog. He was the delightful Belarussian Commie impersonator who won my heart at...whatever creepy bar that was with the perfumed hamburgers that tasted like poo. We're supposed to hang out one of these days. And I suggest keeping a close eye on his blog, since you definitely want to see him do a Lenin impersonation in Union Square when you can.

4. Patterico's Pontifications.
I don't know Patterico. I wish I did. Karol says he's hot. But he's a Republican lawyer who has an extremely well-written blog that provides legal analysis and almost daily skewering of the LA Times. You know. If you're into that.

5. Mary Katherine Ham.
I HEART MKH. MKH is the new SJP. She's a relative newcomer, considering that hardcore stalwarts like Michelle Malkin have been around for several years, and I think her blog has only been up for a few months. But I'm pretty sure she was blogging on other sites. Anyway, she's incredibly funny, and if you get a chance, I heartily recommend her HamNation video blogs. <3.

6. Power Line.
I'm not an expert on these matters, but I have to assume that Power Line is one of the top two or three conservative blogs out there, based on traffic, quality and number of posts per day. They make me look positively lazy. If you're a political junkie, they're It. It in quotations.

7. Captain's Quarters.
I'm not sure what appeals to me about Captain Ed, but he's such a sweetheart, and just...very rational and easy to understand. The random knowledge that comes out of his head just blows my mind. But if you're someone who just wants to hear about a few top stories every morning, he is the go-to guy.

I'm pretty sure the rest of the blogs were already up. I got rid of Jeffrey Grimshaw's site, because he's been irritating me over the last 48 hours and I'm mildly immature, and Morgan's law school blog got taken down because of social cliquey weirdness at her law school. If law students can get cunty about blogs, what chance do we have in this cruel, cruel world?

Sunday, December 10, 2006

RIP, BRags and Grrrlvicious. *UPDATED*

A tragedy has befallen Weenie Enema. West Point Cadet Bobbie Ragsdale, an occasional contributor and subject of several previous blog interviews, has abruptly ended his year-long engagement to Grrrlvicious. While I had several moral misgivings about publishing this interview, primarily because it was pro-BRags and not necessarily pro-Grrrl, I eventually decided to edit some of the Grrrl vitriol and get the story out there for the simple reason that Grrrl's side of the story has already been published on her blog, and I think BRags deserves an opportunity to get his side out there. I don't necessarily agree with either side exclusively, but I feel both parties have interesting arguments in their defense.

For further understanding:
MyDadIsAWeenie: E.E. Grimshaw
BRags753: Bobbie Ragsdale
HurricainFran: Drunk Erin
devilishnyc: DB Bogangles

You have just entered room "bragsbojangles."
HurricainFran has entered the room.
HurricainFran: I love chat rooms!
BRags753 has entered the room.
MyDadIsAWeenie: hopefully, several of our associates will come in soon
MyDadIsAWeenie: but in the meantime
MyDadIsAWeenie: lets get to the nitty gritty
MyDadIsAWeenie: we are here to discuss a very somber occasion
HurricainFran: how are you holding up, boiiivicious?
BRags753: makin it
MyDadIsAWeenie: okay, you can't just do that
MyDadIsAWeenie: background is a necessity
MyDadIsAWeenie: brags, you and your fiancee, grrrlvicious, are no more
MyDadIsAWeenie: what's the dizzle
BRags753: It was too hard. I finally had to think about me and walk away
HurricainFran: So you broke up...but blow jobs are still ok, yes?
BRags753: Well, no
MyDadIsAWeenie: can we stay on track?
MyDadIsAWeenie: now, from what i gather
MyDadIsAWeenie: there were two external factors involved predominantly
HurricainFran: is one of them the fact you met on hot or not?
MyDadIsAWeenie: an ex-girlfriend, and you getting 12 hours of sleep in one week
BRags753: the sleep had nothing to do with it
HurricainFran: it was the hot or not thing, wasnt it?
BRags753: I broke up with her immediately prior to the sleepless week
BRags753: the relationship is spurious
MyDadIsAWeenie: but isn't it a safe assumption
MyDadIsAWeenie: that the chances of this possibly being resolved would have been much greater if you had had some sleep in the following week
BRags753: eh, no
BRags753: I made up my mind about it before I even got back to NY
BRags753: I went home over Thanksgiving and I spent time with my old best friend - it's better to think of her that way than as the ex.
HurricainFran: says...spurious: of illegitimate birth; bastard.
HurricainFran: knocked her up, yes?
MyDadIsAWeenie: how much of a factor was her living on the other side of country
BRags753: the CA thing had nothing to do with it either
MyDadIsAWeenie: is it safe to say that you spending time with an old flame added another perspective to this whole marrying grrrl thing
BRags753: Yes, that's exactly what it did. Gave it perspective
BRags753: I just realized a) That I had more fun without Christine, b) I could have a lot more fun with other people who are more similar to me, and c) I still have feelings for Meghan - very strong ones. a and b are the important ones here
HurricainFran: Who is Meghan?
BRags753: the girl I saw back home
HurricainFran: When did you date her?
BRags753: Saw her the day prior [to Thanksgiving], stayed with her till Sunday. We sorta kinda dated in like the 8th grade. But we'd been basically best friends from 7th-10th or 11th grade
BRags753: then we kinda drifted
HurricainFran: whoa, 8th grade?
HurricainFran: So, you carried her books and tried to touch her boob?
BRags753: I told you, don't think of her as the ex. Think of her as the best friend
MyDadIsAWeenie: i would like to argue about one of your points here
MyDadIsAWeenie: you keep telling us we should think of her as a best friend rather than a love interest
MyDadIsAWeenie: but you mentioned that one of the factors involved in your grrrlvicious split were feelings for meghan
MyDadIsAWeenie: you can't have it both ways
BRags753: I didn't say don't think of her as a love interest. I said don't think of her as the ex
BRags753: big difference
MyDadIsAWeenie: but would she even BE a love interest if you didn't have history?
BRags753: the relationship that we had, prior to Thanksgiving, was of two best friends. Not of boyfriend-girlfriend
HurricainFran: is this a dawson/joey thing?
HurricainFran: Did she climb your ladder?

BRags753: Well, maybe not. We dated because I was completely enamoured with her at the time. Then I got too serious for her and she got scared, despite feeling similarly. Then years of other stuff. Now, she's dating some guy, but doesn't quite know how she feels
HurricainFran: is it pacey?
BRags753: She a) doesn't want a long distance relationship, b) is dating Matthew (more later), and c) is not sure how she feels about me being in the army
MyDadIsAWeenie: how do grrrl and meghan feel about each other
BRags753: they pretty much despise one another
BRags753: Meghan feels stronger about it than Christine, who is mostly sad and confused
HurricainFran: where does Meghan live?
BRags753: Baton Rouge/New Orleans
HurricainFran: ooooh does she have a southern accent?
BRags753: ::shrug::
MyDadIsAWeenie: are we allowed to discuss
MyDadIsAWeenie: the Incident
MyDadIsAWeenie: that blew my mind
MyDadIsAWeenie: no pun intended
HurricainFran: and his down there places
BRags753: She tried to convince me to stay with her/go back to her. In the process there was much seduction and I was weak. I see no need to discuss it further.
MyDadIsAWeenie: what a wonderful noble way of describing it
BRags753: It changes nothing except I felt incredibly guilty thereafter
MyDadIsAWeenie: i can't imagine you harboring feelings of guilt
BRags753: I am. It was wrong of me to do.
HurricainFran: Didn't you...not really do anything?
HurricainFran: I mean, it's kind of a one-sided activity.
MyDadIsAWeenie: i'm not sure if you can call it "wrong"
MyDadIsAWeenie: you technically weren't committed to either at that point
BRags753: technically, yes. But it would be inaccurate to say I was not actively engaged in the activity
HurricainFran: Thrusting, then?
HurricainFran: Did I just type that?
MyDadIsAWeenie: jesus
MyDadIsAWeenie: erin, behave.
MyDadIsAWeenie: we talked about this
HurricainFran: sorry. It's because I'm sober.
MyDadIsAWeenie: my father had a question
MyDadIsAWeenie: and i promised to mention it today
BRags753: ok
MyDadIsAWeenie: do you get to keep the harley
BRags753: hell yeah

HurricainFran: she bought you the harley?
BRags753: it's in my name
BRags753: no
BRags753: I bought me a harley
BRags753: she helped me make the decision to do it
BRags753: I probably wouldn't have done it but for her convincing me to.
MyDadIsAWeenie: i felt she was very much invested in this
MyDadIsAWeenie: for instance, you had to take driving lessons and shizzle before coming into the city
BRags753: yeah, but I didn't actually
HurricainFran: But it was your money, etc.
BRags753: yeah, I picked it out, bought it and rode it
BRags753: and financed it
BRags753: all mine
MyDadIsAWeenie: okay, next question. you guys had a LOT of future shit planned - wedding, expenses, joint bank accounts, etc.
MyDadIsAWeenie: how do you just separate yourselves from such an investment
HurricainFran: did you guys talk about getting a cat together?
HurricainFran: because that's a big step.
BRags753: she can keep the cat. We haven't quite figured everything out yet
HurricainFran: you guys actually got a cat? I was kidding.

BRags753: basically, there's the matter of her car, the thousand dollar deposit on the wedding (which I don't expect back), and she spent $700 on a dress
BRags753: that's about it, really
BRags753: and we have a joint phone plan/checking account
MyDadIsAWeenie: why don't you get the wedding money back
BRags753: because it's a deposit
MyDadIsAWeenie: that doesnt seem fair
HurricainFran: Can she keep the dress for her next potential wedding, or will it be out of style?
BRags753: I dunno.... I guess that's on her

MyDadIsAWeenie: now, i don't really want to get into grrrlvicious' personality too much
MyDadIsAWeenie: but i have one question
BRags753: shoot
MyDadIsAWeenie: she's about my age, probably about 23
BRags753: 23, yes
MyDadIsAWeenie: and she has now been engaged twice
BRags753: true
MyDadIsAWeenie: doesn't that seem a little nutty
BRags753: ::shrug:: my grandmother was engaged like 4 times before my grandfather
BRags753: one was in college; I was after she graduated
MyDadIsAWeenie: i don't know, i just don't have a lot of friends who are into getting married right now
MyDadIsAWeenie: so maybe this is just me not knowing the right people
BRags753: perhaps
HurricainFran: ditto for me
BRags753: Generally speaking, it's largely a product of wealth. People with more money wait, generally. Poorer folks don't.
MyDadIsAWeenie: but it still seems a little...sketchy? to become so hardcore invested in more than one person in such a short amount of time, to the point where thousands of dollars are being spent
BRags753: eh, she was more invested in me than him
BRags753: they didn't have a date or anything, I don't think
BRags753: and they were only engaged for a few months, I believe
BRags753: we were almost a year
HurricainFran: The only person I know my age who's married is my idiot childhood friend who once threw a bagel at a trucker from a car window.
BRags753: I have a friend who graduated HS a year before me who got married and is already divorced
HurricainFran: is it Britney?
BRags753: haha, no

MyDadIsAWeenie: if you guys hadn't gotten engaged so quickly and made all of these plans, do you think you would still be together, or would the external factors still play into it
BRags753: no, the engagement made it last longer
HurricainFran: how long did you date before you got engaged?
BRags753: 11 months
MyDadIsAWeenie: out of those 11 months
MyDadIsAWeenie: how often did you see her
BRags753: well, all the time
BRags753: she lived like 30 min from West Point
BRags753: In fact, we house-sat together over the summer, so we basically lived together for a month
HurricainFran: did you meet her when you were already at West Point?
BRags753: yes
BRags753: Sophomore year
MyDadIsAWeenie: i just don't see how you can say distance didn't play a part in the latter stages of the relationship
MyDadIsAWeenie: when you went from seeing her all the time to seeing her like twice a year
BRags753: eh, maybe it did. I think that's what she thinks
MyDadIsAWeenie: now, you said you broke up with her because it was too hard. from what i've read from grrrl's livejournal, she doesn't agree
MyDadIsAWeenie: why is there such a gulf between both of your impressions of the situation
BRags753: oh, she just doesn't see things my way..
HurricainFran: What does Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl do with her life?
BRags753: She is a writer
HurricainFran: a livejournal writer?
BRags753: she does marketing and copy editing now
MyDadIsAWeenie: what are the chances of reconciling with grrrl
BRags753: slim
BRags753: I mean, I still love her just as much as ever. It's just too hard to deal with everything. I have to walk away, for me.
MyDadIsAWeenie: for the last week or two, i've gathered that you and grrrl were just not on the same page - most of her livejournal entries were optimistic, if not a little...brooding, but you maintained a pretty stoic stance
BRags753: I had to
MyDadIsAWeenie: are you more or less in agreement about all of this now
BRags753: The two of us? Not really. She still wants to reconcile
BRags753: I mean, she goes back and forth between saying she needs some time alone and she wants me back
BRags753: She's still figuring things out
HurricainFran: Why is it that you have more fun with other people than with her?
BRags753: Because she is usually afraid of her own shadow... doesn't like social situations, is very tense and panicy, often makes demands of me and nags about things I do
BRags753: doesn't eat seafood
MyDadIsAWeenie: but in all fairness
MyDadIsAWeenie: didn't you know all this before
BRags753: Yes, but I figured if I loved her enough it wouldn't matter
BRags753: I realize now that love by itself is not enough
MyDadIsAWeenie: and why would you love someone who doesn't appear to have anything in common with you at all?
BRags753: she's very sweet and loving
BRags753: and compassionate
HurricainFran: to your down there parts?
MyDadIsAWeenie: erin!
MyDadIsAWeenie: stop
BRags753: she is much more thoughtful than I
MyDadIsAWeenie: was there one event though that made you decide that love couldn't be the be all, end all
MyDadIsAWeenie: or is it a lot more simple than that
MyDadIsAWeenie: you spending time with a girl who likes guns
BRags753: I just had a lot more fun with Meghan and I thought, "well, if I could experience the same amount of love, with this much fun, things would be a lot better and a lot easier for me."
MyDadIsAWeenie: you said we'd get back to this
MyDadIsAWeenie: and now seems as good a time as any
MyDadIsAWeenie: you said meghan has a boyfriend
BRags753: Matthew
BRags753: She has been on 2 dates with him - both prior to Thanksgiving - but has known him for like 5 years or something
BRags753: he's 27 and they just recently both admitted to liking one another
MyDadIsAWeenie: then how is he a boyfriend
BRags753: he's a boyfriend because she really likes him, even though he's called her one (1) time since Thanksgiving
HurricainFran: thanks for adding the numeral in for us illiterates over here

BRags753: She was all pissed at him and about done until he called Friday night and said, "Sorry, I was busy, but I still really want to date you."
MyDadIsAWeenie: but is meghan not aware that she played a fairly significant part in breaking up your engagement?
BRags753: fully aware
MyDadIsAWeenie: so why doesn't she feel some sort of obligation to exploring that
BRags753: she still wants to try with Matthew because apparently he's a really nice guy, etc etc
HurricainFran: Does she have feelings for you?
HurricainFran: Aside from friendly ones
BRags753: yes, she does
MyDadIsAWeenie: so where does this leave you
MyDadIsAWeenie: no fiancee, and someone who has a sort of boyfriend
BRags753: Not entirely sure
BRags753: I was feeling pretty good about things with Meghan until Friday
HurricainFran: Will you be browsing the selection at hot or not once more?
BRags753: I doubt it
BRags753: for now anyway
HurricainFran: eharmony?
BRags753: haha, we'll see. But not now
BRags753: I'm not opposed to the idea in the future. But I have too many real possibilities now to worry about that.
MyDadIsAWeenie: from grrrl's livejournal, she called the time you spent with meghan "emotional cheating"
MyDadIsAWeenie: do you agree with that assessment
BRags753: no, I don't
HurricainFran: emotional cheating is a fucked up concept for people with "feelings".
BRags753: I didn't touch Meghan. The fact that I spoke honestly to her constitutes nothing except a problem with Christine - ie, I couldn't be honest with her
MyDadIsAWeenie: is it just an issue of having different definitions of emotional cheating
MyDadIsAWeenie: or miscommunication
BRags753: I don't think such a thing exists
MyDadIsAWeenie: why couldn't you be honest
MyDadIsAWeenie: or did you not feel you were holding out on her
BRags753: you can't cheat with your emotions because you can't control them. And I couldn't because she couldn't handle the truth, most of the time
MyDadIsAWeenie: define 'can't handle the truth'
MyDadIsAWeenie: in the non-tom cruise sense
BRags753: she would get upset about things. If I had doubts, I couldn't tell her because she would internalize them. I spent all of my time being strong for her and helping her through her doubts
BRags753: To have doubts of my own would surely have created more problems
HurricainFran: It sounds sort of paternal almost...
BRags753: indeed. It's a role I've frequently played for women
BRags753: In a non-incestous way
MyDadIsAWeenie: so are we supposed to conclude that sometimes you need to step down off the pedestal and be an imperfect civilian
MyDadIsAWeenie: minus civilian, since you literally can't be that
BRags753: that's the conclusion
BRags753: Can't be superman all the time, I guess....
BRags753: only sometimes
MyDadIsAWeenie: what i love about that
MyDadIsAWeenie: is that grrrl spent so much time saying that she loved you even more because this whole incident showed you weren't perfect
MyDadIsAWeenie: and i guess meant she could relate to you better?
BRags753: Yeah, I think so. She had an image of me as a superhero who could do anything... which, in all fairness is basically my own self-image.
BRags753: This more human touch appealed to her
HurricainFran: modest
BRags753: eh
BRags753: It got me this far
BRags753: a fair amount of arragonce is necessary in what I do

MyDadIsAWeenie: so now that you have this relationship that has, for all intents and purposes, failed, does it make you feel any urge to change your own personality and the way you convey yourself to other people
BRags753: It makes me realize I can't shoulder entire burdens by myself in perpetuity
MyDadIsAWeenie: are you saying that a) you shouldered the entire burden for grrrl for two years and b) that she allowed you to do so
BRags753: ...largely, but not entirely, yes
MyDadIsAWeenie: i have a question based on an observation that someone made to me about this situation
MyDadIsAWeenie: the blowjob incident, while maybe being a moment of...moral indecisiveness or something, could it also be that your catholic, waiting till marriage mentality has made you very very pro-blow job, more so than having sex
BRags753: well, there's undeniably a difference
HurricainFran: wait, so you're waiting for marriage?
BRags753: eh, was
HurricainFran: was?
BRags753: Christine broke me down
HurricainFran: she peer-pressured you into giving up such a precious gift?
BRags753: well... something like that, I suppose
HurricainFran: Was it a Crazy Mego type thing?
HurricainFran: Did you cry rape?
HurricainFran: Did Tiffani Amber Thiessen play you in a lifetime movie?
BRags753: haha, no, when I did it, it was of my own power
MyDadIsAWeenie: but we're getting away from my original question
MyDadIsAWeenie: do you heart blowjobs more than sex
MyDadIsAWeenie: because of your past history
BRags753: I think so
HurricainFran: Less work on his part, I guess
BRags753: well, I mean, I'd had blowjobs before Christine
BRags753: that was the last girlfriend who broke me down on that front...
HurricainFran: Whoa, so you were gonna save that for marriage, too?
BRags753: yeah
MyDadIsAWeenie: wow
HurricainFran: If one is "saving oneself for marriage" can you not do like, anything oral? Is that typical?
BRags753: All sexual contact aside from kissing and maybe heavy petting
HurricainFran: Whoa
HurricainFran: Guess I missed out on that since I skipped catechism every week since I was 8
BRags753: I believed - and still largely do - that sex is sex is sex
MyDadIsAWeenie: i feel like we're interviewing the anti-bill clinton
BRags753: yeah, I mean, the whole country called Bill a liar for saying exactly what 90% of Americans profess
BRags753: and sex should be reserved for marriage.
MyDadIsAWeenie: but how did grrrl manage to change your mind
MyDadIsAWeenie: at least temporarily
BRags753: well, she never really changed my mind. I just accepted my fate
HurricainFran: a man-whore?
HurricainFran: sorry. I didn't mean to just imply you're a gigalo.
BRags753: I still profess it's sinful behavior. I just accept that I've sinned.
MyDadIsAWeenie: see, if i was grrrl
MyDadIsAWeenie: i would probably take offense to you having sex with me as being "sinful"
BRags753: well, yeah, and she did
BRags753: and yeah, I think masterbation is ok on all counts
HurricainFran: but sex is sex is sex and you're sexing up your hand in masterbation
BRags753: well, no, sex involves 2 or more people
BRags753: to me
HurricainFran: wait, you had orgys?
HurricainFran: Meghan, Christine and you? Is that why they hate each other? Competing in the bedroom, literally?

devilishnyc has entered the room.
devilishnyc: sorry!! i am here now!
devilishnyc: i was asleep
BRags753: Meghan dislikes Christine because she thinks she's manipulative
MyDadIsAWeenie: how is grrrl manipulative
BRags753: because she uses guilt and tricks to make me feel certain ways
BRags753: I didn't actually break up with her. She broke up with me... like she does about once or twice a week
BRags753: except, this time, I just said "ok"
MyDadIsAWeenie: waaaait
MyDadIsAWeenie: back it up
MyDadIsAWeenie: when you guys officially broke up
BRags753: Sunday, 26 Nov.
MyDadIsAWeenie: she actually SAID you broke up??
BRags753: she said she was leaving me
BRags753: she says that all the time, though
HurricainFran: Did you not sense it was, I don't know, abnormal, that she broke up with you multiple times a week?
BRags753: I usually fight it
BRags753: this time I just agreed
MyDadIsAWeenie: why did she want to leave you
devilishnyc: yeah, why?
BRags753: I dunno. I think because I didn't pay her enough attention over Thanksgiving
HurricainFran: Did she get jealous of the turkey?
BRags753: I doubt it
MyDadIsAWeenie: what does that even MEAN
HurricainFran: SHE wanted to be the one he was...umm...bastering.
devilishnyc: hahahaha
HurricainFran: BASTING
HurricainFran: Baisting?
HurricainFran: Fuck it, I don't cook.
MyDadIsAWeenie: you and i have had fairly regular communications for about two years or so, and i've never gotten the impression that it was even POSSIBLE to get into a fight with you. how is she doing this multiple times a week?
BRags753: I don't know
BRags753: She is sensitive about everything I say
BRags753: takes offense to everything
HurricainFran: If she gets upset at everything, WHY did it take so long to end it?
BRags753: because I love her
MyDadIsAWeenie: why didn't you just say
MyDadIsAWeenie: "grrrlvicious, stop being so sensitive"
BRags753: I said that all the time
BRags753: That's like saying, "Emma, be taller!"
HurricainFran: Changing physically is different than changing mentally
MyDadIsAWeenie: i think they're intertwined
BRags753: yeah, it's not a question of attitude. It's of mental fitness
MyDadIsAWeenie: devra, do you have any questions that you haven't gotten a chance to ask
MyDadIsAWeenie: you were over an hour late to the proceedings
devilishnyc: i was tired. i got hit with a box of "good times" tapes at work
devilishnyc: literally

devilishnyc: why do guys always stay with girls way too long? like even when they aren't happy or less than relatively happy? because it is easy???
devilishnyc: this has mystified me for years
BRags753: well, in my case, because I felt a sense of duty to be strong
BRags753: strong for both of us
MyDadIsAWeenie: so are we to take from this
MyDadIsAWeenie: that being strong can keep a relationship going for a certain amount of time, even if everyone involved is unhappy
MyDadIsAWeenie: but at some point
MyDadIsAWeenie: when you find a girl from home, your joey potter, to go shooting with
MyDadIsAWeenie: boom
MyDadIsAWeenie: that's it
BRags753: That was very, "Final thoughts" from Jerry Springer
HurricainFran: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl was just your Jen. Only, you know, scary.

devilishnyc: like you are what, 22? you have your whole life. what's the point in being "strong" in a relationship where you know something is wrong or not good
BRags753: Because I thought it could be
BRags753: Maybe I wasn't having a great time and it was stressful, but I love her and she loves me, and in a way, sometimes that's all I need
BRags753: I figured if I could hold on to that, I'd be ok
MyDadIsAWeenie: is it wrong to ask why you love grrrlvicious
MyDadIsAWeenie: because this seems very lopsided
MyDadIsAWeenie: you mentioned that she's very compassionate
MyDadIsAWeenie: but that's ONE quality, that can't be it
BRags753: she's strong enough to stand up to me
BRags753: most people cow to me
BRags753: she put me in my place sometimes, and I need that
HurricainFran: We really haven't seen any evidence of her strength.
BRags753: I understand that
BRags753: But she was honest with me
BRags753: It means that maybe she wasn't really strong so much as just... afraid. Like when you back a small dog into a corner
BRags753: I couldn't bully her
BRags753: not that I tried, but sometimes I have a very strong personality that makes others just shut up and comply
MyDadIsAWeenie: but at the same time
MyDadIsAWeenie: i got you to pick me up from brooklyn
MyDadIsAWeenie: miles out of the city
MyDadIsAWeenie: so you have lovable weenie qualities as well
devilishnyc: awwwwww
BRags753: I wasn't bullied into doing that. I volunteered
MyDadIsAWeenie: which still boggles the mind
BRags753: ::shrug:: you needed a ride
MyDadIsAWeenie: well, i didn't NEED it
MyDadIsAWeenie: i just really wanted it
BRags753: true. Also, I had nothing to do
BRags753: I just rode around the city for like 6 hours
MyDadIsAWeenie: we've discussed how much external factors impacted your relationship
MyDadIsAWeenie: how much did the FUTURE factor in? you're going to be bopping around at army schools and in the middle east for the next few years
BRags753: yes... that is hard for me because she was ok with all of that
BRags753: By ok, I mean, she was going to stick with me during it
BRags753: and that's no small thing to ask of someone
MyDadIsAWeenie: how can you know that? you're still at west point, she had no way of proving that out until you actually did it
BRags753: I believe her
BRags753: I know
MyDadIsAWeenie: what would she have done? just gone with you to bases and shizzle?
BRags753: well, yeah. I mean, if we're married, she's coming with me so long as I'm not in the sandbox
BRags753: whatever base I go to, the wife and family comes with
BRags753: unless I deploy overseas. That I do alone
MyDadIsAWeenie: WAIT
MyDadIsAWeenie: you can't end the sentence like that
MyDadIsAWeenie: devra does that ALL the time
MyDadIsAWeenie: come with ME
devilishnyc: HAHAHAHAHHA
BRags753: ...ignoring.

MyDadIsAWeenie: any more questions for brags
HurricainFran: Mary-Kate or Ashley?
BRags753: I rather dislike both
MyDadIsAWeenie: are you going to talk to grrrlvicious soon
BRags753: I don't know.
BRags753: Presumably at some point
HurricainFran: BoiVicious, what tv shows do you watch?
devilishnyc: hahahahahaha
devilishnyc: boivicious!

As always, we thank BRags for taking time to discuss this intriguing situation. There are several questions that I neglected to ask during the interview, and hopefully I will be able to update this post with the answers to those said questions in the near future. If you have any questions for BRags, please feel free to leave them in the comment section, and I will force him to answer them in a timely manner.

The big question I forgot to ask BRags during the interview involved a voicemail that he left Grrrlvicious while he was in the airport on his way home from Thanksgiving. On her livejournal, Grrrlvicious pointed to that sugary voicemail ("I love you and I brag about you all the time to everybody that I know about how smart you are, and how much I love you, and how i'm gonna marry you and we're gonna be awesome together cuz...we're gonna have a farm and animals and maybe even a pony named mr. sparkles - or whatever you feel is appropriate.") as an indication that BRags was deceitful, since he told her he had been thinking about breaking up with her before that weekend. I caught up with BRags this afternoon and asked for his thoughts on the subject:
BRags753: I was about to get on the plane. Christine and I were talking and she was a bit nervous/jealous about me going to see Meghan. At this point, I had no doubts about anything, so I dismissed this as silly
MyDadIsAWeenie: BUT
MyDadIsAWeenie: you told her you were thinking about this for months
BRags753: Well, yes, but more or less subconciously. I suppressed those thoughts. Anyway, I had to get on the plane, but first, she said that I should leave her a sweet message that she could save and listen to if the plane went down or something happened while I was in NOLA, etc etc. So I hung up with her, called her back, and did just that.

One of my friends also had a question involving this situation vis a vis the Army:
MyDadIsAWeenie: knowing that you're going to be displaced for so long when you're actually in the army, can you comment on the seemingly conflicting ideas where you have this overwhelming urge to get married to someone, while you're probably not going to be able to spend much time with them once you're overseas?
BRags753: A) I am currently "actually in the army." We will refer to the future as "after I'm commissioned." B) There's no conflict to me - I may be dead in 2 years. I feel like I should get in what I can now.
BRags753: ie, I need to fire up the baby machine before it's too late