Thursday, August 31, 2006

Remember the Baha Men? That's Basically the Last Time There Was A Blog Interview.

Several of my readers have expressed sorrow and dispair over the fact that we haven't had a blog interview in months; I think the last one was during the transit strike of ought five. Since I, along with a healthy chunk of my comrades, are considered recent graduates of the world of education and new entrants into the world of adulthood, I felt it necessary to delve into the heady topic at hand and conduct a noble Q&A session of sorts. Since Drunk Erin is not allowed to converse with others on a messaging service at work (and frankly, it's very frightening to me that most of my friends ARE allowed that privilege), there are no Parker Posey jokes dotted throughout the transcript, and I apologize for that.

For better understanding:
MyDadIsAWeenie: E.E. Grimshaw
nystateofmind623: Morgan G.
sanock42: Mikey Sanocki
RumberoNYK: Anthony Salazar
HermesR211: Hermon Raju
You have just entered room "beingadultsbojangles."
nystateofmind623 has entered the room.
nystateofmind623: where's bobbie ragsdale?
MyDadIsAWeenie: according to aim, he's basically there, but you know the army
MyDadIsAWeenie: they want you to THINK they're there
sanock42 has entered the room.
MyDadIsAWeenie: we have with us two talented, intelligent individuals who have officially become adults and whatnot
MyDadIsAWeenie: morgan, we will start with you
MyDadIsAWeenie: what's going on
MyDadIsAWeenie: morgan!
MyDadIsAWeenie: you are not answering the question!
nystateofmind623: "What's going on" is considered an applicable interview question?
MyDadIsAWeenie: yes
nystateofmind623: Well right now, I'm in my workout clothes, watching Judge Alex (Boston's lame attempt at producing a male Judge Judy) and chatting with the lovely weenie Emma
MyDadIsAWeenie: NO NO NO
MyDadIsAWeenie: you're supposed to talk about law school
MyDadIsAWeenie: my head.
MyDadIsAWeenie: although this judge alex does sound interesting
nystateofmind623: He looks like a young Matt Lauer
MyDadIsAWeenie: christ.

nystateofmind623: Anyways... yes, I'm a first year student at New England School of Law and I'm just completing my first (hellish) week
MyDadIsAWeenie: explain to our readers why law school is an abomination to the world et cetera
nystateofmind623: Because it's inconsistent.. Monday night, I had 100 pages of reading.. Tuesday night, I had 15
nystateofmind623: Class is either sit and listen to the professor while chatting online with Emma, or sit uptight because the professor uses the Socratic Method to embarass you on a subject he teaches poorly and you don't understand
MyDadIsAWeenie: so, very much like legally blonde
nystateofmind623: Not at all.. but I do have a snotty guy in my class who reminds me of that brunette chick.. but in male form
MyDadIsAWeenie: the male selma blair. hmm
nystateofmind623: I swear, he would give every professor a rimjob for an A if he could..
MyDadIsAWeenie: what classes are you taking
nystateofmind623: Torts, Civil Procedure, Contract, Property.. and Legal Research and Writing
MyDadIsAWeenie: sick
MyDadIsAWeenie: mikey, what are you doing
sanock42: I'm currently working on getting a job at St Joe's Hospital in Syracuse, NY. However, my contact, who said she'd call me 3 days ago to give me details on the job I definitely have, cannot be reached.
MyDadIsAWeenie: your contact sounds like a douche
MyDadIsAWeenie: for both of you - why are you either in law school or attempting to go into med school
nystateofmind623: In 3 words.. I don't know.... I actually want to join the FBI's Cyber Crime division, but they don't accept people until they're 25.. and I have 3-4 years to kill until then..
sanock42: Because I want a challenging profession where I can be my own boss and not sit in front of a desk all day.
nystateofmind623: WOO! We're on the same page
sanock42: And cutting things open is fun.
MyDadIsAWeenie: morgan - are you going to be on svu
nystateofmind623: HAHA
nystateofmind623: I'm not sure about SVU, but I see myself kicking ass and annoying the American public alongside Chris Hanson and Dateline
MyDadIsAWeenie: i'm not seeing how going to law school allows you to participate in 'to catch a predator'
nystateofmind623: Because both med school and law school are concoctions of the DEVIL
MyDadIsAWeenie: but ann coulter only went to one of them
MyDadIsAWeenie: badum ts
nystateofmind623: It looks better having a law degree in Internet Law when you apply to the FBI... to help bring the predators "to justice", I guess
nystateofmind623: Plus, pretty much, anybody with a law degree can do almost anything they want
nystateofmind623: With a med degree, you're stuck within the med field.. but law encompasses so much of our society
sanock42: Yeah, I've heard that about law degrees too.
MyDadIsAWeenie: like what???
sanock42: Any political position.
sanock42: Actually, the commissioner of the community development department here in the city of syracuse is a dentist.
sanock42: So being a doctor isn't SO restrictive.
sanock42: (Granted, Syracuse has some fucked up political appointments)
MyDadIsAWeenie: mikey, explain why someone who was the valedictorian of our high school class can't just GO into med school
MyDadIsAWeenie: i think this is ridic
sanock42: Because everyone has the grades, but they can't waste money on someone they aren't sure is going to stick around for the whole time.
sanock42: Also: They're lame.
MyDadIsAWeenie: wait, why wouldn't someone stick around in med school
sanock42: Because if they don't have experience in the medical field, they may not be prepared for it. Like, seeing blood or whatever.

MyDadIsAWeenie: okay, i want to get into location
MyDadIsAWeenie: morgan is in boston right now
MyDadIsAWeenie: and mikey is in syracuse
MyDadIsAWeenie: why are you at each location and are you planning on staying for the long term
sanock42: I'm here in syracuse because it has a very low cost of living. I own a house and pay 1000 dollars for my mortgage. Plus, I have the best chance of getting into SUNY Upstate for med school, and I like the smaller city atmosphere.
MyDadIsAWeenie: i get that syracuse is affordable, but it's in the middle of nowhere, basically
sanock42: It's actually in the center of the state, so it's equal distance from NYC, Boston, Toronto, and close to Buffalo and Rochester.
sanock42: So it's got good positioning.
MyDadIsAWeenie: yeah, but it's equally about 8 hours from each
sanock42: 4.
nystateofmind623: Boston gave me the best offer.. I have a couple of friends up here, I get my own place away from my family for a while, although I would prefer to be in New York.. and I haven't decided if I want to complete my degree here, or stay here beyond this year
MyDadIsAWeenie: morgan, what i don't get about you being in boston
MyDadIsAWeenie: is that you are a HARDCORE legit yankees fan
MyDadIsAWeenie: how can you stand it
nystateofmind623: Are you kidding? I love it.. the Boston fans are so irritated by me. I have more power than them after the 5-game sweep, and after they just lost the biggest key players of their team.. they're about 8/8.5 games behind, and with almost NO chance of getting even the wildcard... this isn't the 2004 postseason anymore. I rule these people.
MyDadIsAWeenie: i'm not sure i buy that
MyDadIsAWeenie: the red sox hadn't won for decades and their fans were still cunty
nystateofmind623: Are you kidding? I wear my Yankees hat a lot.. and they just stare and growl at me, but no one has the guts to actually say something
nystateofmind623: And when they do, I retort right back.. I actually shut up 3 guys in a bar the other night..
sanock42: That's probably because they think you're mentally unstable and homicidal.
sanock42: That's what Bostonians think about all New Yorkers.
nystateofmind623: I wish they thought that.. but I don't think they do
MyDadIsAWeenie: i actually agree with mikey
MyDadIsAWeenie: i'm sure the hatred and feelings of insanity run pretty equally on both sides
nystateofmind623: So how do you explain me forcing my way into a 3-guy conversation in a bar, which consisted of them talking about how the only reason the Yankees won't make the playoffs is because they have "older players"..
MyDadIsAWeenie: i cant explain that
MyDadIsAWeenie: i think it's an insane thing to do
nystateofmind623: And I held up my own, they listened.. tried to argue back, fumbled their words, hung their heads down and sauntered away from me when they didn't think I was looking
nystateofmind623: But, this isn't about my hostility towards Boston fans
MyDadIsAWeenie: one day, you're going to go up against a red sox fan who has also been in law school
nystateofmind623: Emma.. I go to law school in Boston.. I sit in a 140-person room for 15 hours a week.. I see them, they see me.. we can't avoid each other, I'm with law student Boston fans every day

MyDadIsAWeenie: in the next year, what are you planning on doing
sanock42: I plan to work for the year, gaining experience in the lab and using that to supplement my application. With that, I should easily be able to get in. I'm also considering volunteering at a hospital to boost my application.
nystateofmind623: I honestly am just trying to get through this week, and trying to get through one day at a time before I think about the next year..
MyDadIsAWeenie: this is so mature
MyDadIsAWeenie: last year, i could have asked you people questions about poop
MyDadIsAWeenie: and gotten legitimate answers

MyDadIsAWeenie: how well does college prepare someone for what you guys are doing? you both went to badass accredited universities, and i suspect not all of it was chugging the booze
sanock42: Actually, I wasn't prepared. I learned biology, but no professional practices or real-world living was taught or required.
sanock42: So I had to learn mortgages and resumes and all that crap on my own.
sanock42: So yeah, I know the development of the circular system throughout each type of animal, so I can be a doctor... but I never learned how to be an adult.
nystateofmind623: Hmm.. I'm not sure how much influence SCPS has in my law school education.. but I think where NYU was located and how they ran things prepared me for the real world
RumberoNYK has entered the room.
MyDadIsAWeenie: you recently graduated from the stern school of business at nyu
MyDadIsAWeenie: what are you now doing as an official adult and whatnot
RumberoNYK: i'm doing consulting for an audit firm
MyDadIsAWeenie: WHOA
MyDadIsAWeenie: an audit firm?
MyDadIsAWeenie: what the hell is that
RumberoNYK: they review and sign off on other companies' financial statements and make sure they are accurate
RumberoNYK: but i'm more in the consulting side of it
RumberoNYK: holla
HermesR211 has entered the room.
MyDadIsAWeenie: hermon, what are you doing as an adult now
HermesR211: i am the senior accounts coordinator of the Northeast for Clinique, a brand of the estee lauder companies
MyDadIsAWeenie: why does everyone have insane badass jobs
MyDadIsAWeenie: god, i really wish we could get jocelyn in here
MyDadIsAWeenie: she has this sleezy unreal job

MyDadIsAWeenie: okay, and anthony/hermon, what are you planning on doing longer term
RumberoNYK: go to grad school, get my mba, and maybe start my own business
MyDadIsAWeenie: would you like to go into business with me? i'm starting a bookstore called the smitten mitten
HermesR211: either staying with lauder working my way up to something badass but for sure getting my mba and jd
MyDadIsAWeenie: so is everyone in this room going for something more than a bachelor's degree
nystateofmind623: Unfortunately, yes
RumberoNYK: yes
RumberoNYK: and i can go into the book business with you if you want, we will have to talk about that later
MyDadIsAWeenie: anthony slash hermon, do you feel that nyu prepared you for your adult shizzle
HermesR211: yes im better prepared than others 4 the world
MyDadIsAWeenie: just because you went to nyu? or just in college in general
HermesR211: of work and living in nyc on my own
HermesR211: i dont feel like i would be as savvy though if i went to say suny binghamton
RumberoNYK: umm, yea i guess it did the best job it could, but it's really what you make of it
RumberoNYK: college in general
MyDadIsAWeenie: this staggers me
MyDadIsAWeenie: if you people are any indication
MyDadIsAWeenie: it makes no sense to just go to college for four years
MyDadIsAWeenie: if you want to be on par with everyone else, you need to get an mba or a jd or something
RumberoNYK: yea you do, but before you pursue that degree you need some work experience
RumberoNYK: it's not just something you get into right after undergrad
MyDadIsAWeenie: then how come morgan is already in law school
RumberoNYK: law school is different
nystateofmind623: Because Morgan is an idiot
MyDadIsAWeenie: but hermon is doing what you're saying - she's getting the work experience first
RumberoNYK: law and med schools are continuous programs after undergrad
MyDadIsAWeenie: but for business, it's different
MyDadIsAWeenie: why
RumberoNYK: because in order for you to learn something useful out of grad school in business it's better if you have some work experience
MyDadIsAWeenie: what would you specifically be doing in business school that you would need work experience for
RumberoNYK: case studies
RumberoNYK: group projects
RumberoNYK: presentations
MyDadIsAWeenie: weren't you doing that at stern
RumberoNYK: yes, but in grad school it is alot more involved
MyDadIsAWeenie: frown
nystateofmind623: Grad School is just a glimpse into what eternal damnation looks like
nystateofmind623: law school so far has been really pushy about the whole "professional" thing.. even though girls come to class in mini-skirts and everyone wears jeans and sweatshirts
RumberoNYK: we are expected to use our own experience as a professional
MyDadIsAWeenie: you sound like a business school pamphlet
MyDadIsAWeenie: okay, but if you're going into business for yourself
MyDadIsAWeenie: what does doing these group presentations do
MyDadIsAWeenie: i'm still picturing things like my woodrow wilson speech in ap history
MyDadIsAWeenie: which probably is not like what you're talking about

RumberoNYK: well i'm not sure if i'm going into it for myself
nystateofmind623: ....I just looked at the back of that "Who's Your Daddy" shirt that I wore to breakfast.. and it says "Boston Sucks"... oh boy..
MyDadIsAWeenie: mikey
MyDadIsAWeenie: you went to syracuse
MyDadIsAWeenie: do you feel you would have been better prepared if you had gone to school in a city
sanock42: Possibly, but it would have worn on my mental health, and I feel I would have gone crazy if I would have lived in NYU.
sanock42: Or just would have become a male escort or something.
MyDadIsAWeenie: that reminds me of an episode of svu...
HermesR211: emma im heading out, ive got some work to do, bye bye guys!
MyDadIsAWeenie: thank you very much, hermon
MyDadIsAWeenie: greatly appreciated
HermesR211: your welcome, laters!
HermesR211 has left the room.
MyDadIsAWeenie: next question - how is hermon going to get into law school using the wrong "your"
nystateofmind623: oh that was mean lol
MyDadIsAWeenie: morgan, have you ever seen an actual bar exam
MyDadIsAWeenie: doesn't it worry you that jfk jr failed his 35 times

RumberoNYK: haha
RumberoNYK: really?
MyDadIsAWeenie: i think it was more like 10, but it was a hefty number
nystateofmind623: 35 times? I wonder how many times he failed his pilot's exam
MyDadIsAWeenie: hahahaha that's so mean
MyDadIsAWeenie: and you said my hermon slam was mean
nystateofmind623: so was the comment about jocelyn, but we're all about being politically incorrect here
MyDadIsAWeenie: jocelyn works for star magazine, that was a completely accurate statement
nystateofmind623: HAHA
nystateofmind623: accurate if she admits it herself
nystateofmind623: AHH law school mentality.. go away
MyDadIsAWeenie: does anyone have any closing comments
nystateofmind623: My Contracts professor says "Goobly goo" every 2-3 minutes
sanock42: Sanding down joint compound in preparation for priming.
MyDadIsAWeenie: that's not a comment
MyDadIsAWeenie: that's a random fragment that you stole from 'this old house'
nystateofmind623: HAHA
MyDadIsAWeenie: i fear for our generation
nystateofmind623: Closing comments.. don't go to grad school. Marry a really old rich person and just inherit a lot of money.
MyDadIsAWeenie: so morgan's conclusion
MyDadIsAWeenie: is that we should all be anna nicole smith
nystateofmind623: YES.. she's a genius.. she marries an old guy, gets his money because she stresses out his son to the point of death, gets her own TV show, gains weight so she can represent TrimSpa.. she's a genius. Albeit a slut, but a genius

I'm not sure that accomplished anything, but at least I won't have people bugging me about interviews for a few weeks.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Today is My Birthday and All of My Co-workers Thought I Turned 14.

I'm sure that at some point - when I am Geriatric Emma, most likely - I will look back at times like this and scowl at 22-year-old Emma for getting pissed at people's comments about her youth and vitality. That day is not today, but the idea of revisiting past Emma birthdays amuses me, particularly because I don't think recapping the decrepit Celebrity Duets is even worth devoting two minutes of my said birthday to.


This is more than likely from about 1986 or so, but I think naked toddlers ruining Jeffrey Grimshaw's record collection are beyond funny. Particularly when they have Huggies goodness on.

I was born at the NYU Medical Center. I do not remember this. I know that I did not come out of a vagina, which is why my head continues to be perfectly round. In 2002, I returned to the Medical Center to be treated for the deadly rally monkey disease, one floor below the delivery room.

I am told that I had ice cream cake.

I had my first legit birthday party, in which my mother instructed my guests to "wear something silly." What I find disturbing about that party now, looking back at the 20 million pictures my mother took that day, is that a lot of the "silly things" that those kids were wearing seem perfectly normal to me, like wearing slippers and pajama-related apparel in public. I don't think the bodega on 3rd and 10th ever saw me in normal clothes.


My mom said that if I got good grades, I could get a cat so I would have someone/something to play with not named Big Bear. I schooled every subject except handwriting. There is an extreme anti-left-handed people bias in the NJ public school system, and my prepubescent GPA suffered as a result. So in August of that year, my parents took me to the SPCA to get my feline. I walked into the room and there were four giant cages teaming with cats, probably 10 or so in each. The bigger, stronger cats were at the front of the cage, and the tiny weak kitties were mewing pitifully in the back. Way, way in the back of one cage was a little gray and white tabby who quietly mewed and was too small to get to the front. I picked him out and named him Arnold, after the star of the movie Total Recall, which I had recently been given on old school VHS for my 7th birthday.
"That man is cute, Mom." - Emma. a VERY long time ago.

The soon-to-be morbidly obese one on the top was an early 11th birthday present.

My mother thought it would be a really, really good idea to have a birthday party at a history museum. Although my keen young Emma mind was showing great potential in that subject area, there isn't an 8-year-old on the planet that wants to ring in the anniversary of their womb exit in a colonial school house. My gay cousin Michael, then about six, was chased by a goose and cried. It was the highlight of the day.

My father said it was a homophobic goose. I didn't know what that meant, but I giggled nonetheless because essentially non-threatening animals chasing defenseless children is always funny.


I don't recall what happened during the day, but that night, my mother and I were watching Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, and just as Dr. Quinn and Sully exchanged a hot, penetrating look, the program was interceded by a news report that Princess Diana had just been in a car accident. Although she technically died on August 31 because she was in France, she died on August 30, Eastern Standard Time. It was beyond morbid. It could have been worse, I suppose - my grandmother's 10th birthday was December 7, 1941.

Things that you can probably go to hell for:
Killing someone.
Stealing mad shizzle.
Conspiring with demonic creatures.
Denouncing deities.
Associating Ben Affleck's shitty movie with a notable historical event.

I am going to get birthday bovine. Moo.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

A Picture Was Once Taken Of Me Where I Looked Like Evil.

This is that picture.

Drunk Erin looks like the T-1000 in Terminator 2 right before he dissolved in the magma. I personally feel that I look like an evil alien from the critically acclaimed masterpiece Aliens for Breakfast, in which the alien brainwashes everyone with his white teeth and makes the protagonist's fingernails bleed. It's rather grisly for a 2nd grade reading level.

As I recall, the sequel to this, Aliens for Lunch, dealt with evil aliens stealing the secret ingredient that makes junkfood taste good. It was horrifying stuff.

Now, on with the Emmys.
As per usual, the Weenie Enema team assembled a stellar ensemble of homedogs to watch the Emmys this year, led by Olivia, who spent most of the Emmys on top of the futon staring at everyone, but during the Barry Manilow song, her ears perked up and she oozed interest. While it is disheartening to know that my beloved feline has no taste in music, it is reassuring to know that she is not perfect.
That said, aside from Mariska, the Emmys were a shitshow, just like last year. Conan is amazing, and he did the impossible - he made people think that Bob Newhart is funny. If he can conduct such comedic wizardry, I don't think it's out of the realm of possibility to assume he could do the same for the entire cast of Full House, and maybe even some of the posse from Who's the Boss?

But it should be noted that Conan is talented, not performing miracles here, so your dream of genuinally laughing at a Bob Saget joke will have to wait.

During the preshow - which DB Bogangles and I watched quietly while hordes of ruffians guzzled Heinekan around us - Billy Bush was interviewing Annette Bening and her tool of a husband who thinks he's still God's gift to women. During said interview, Bush referred to Annette as an Oscar winner. Immediately, Devra and I look at each other in extreme confusion.
"Wait...she never won."
"Did she win for American Beauty?"
"Dude, what??? That was Hilary Swank in Boys Don't Cry."
"Then I'm confused."
It turns out she never won an Oscar, and incredibly, she didn't correct Billy Bush. Both her and Warren Beatty can suck it hard. She has lost my favor, despite an Oscar-worthy performance in "The American President."

I would have voted Michael Douglas into office. If push came to shove.

Megan Mullally won for Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy, and it reminded me of why I never watch Will and Grace, despite the actual material in the show being pretty funny - you can tell that everyone on that show is a giant, giant tool and, whether it's the fictional characters or the narcissistic actors portraying them, I would have gotten into rumbles with all of them if they had bumped into me on the street. Except Rosario. She makes illegal immigration almost funny.

Insert statement about getting what you deserve. Although they both seem to kind of like it.

The most horrifying moment of the show was when someone thought it would be a good idea to honor Aaron Spelling for 15 minutes. Jesus. Now, I don't wish the corpse of Aaron Spelling anything...worm eating body related, but come on. This is the man who thought his praying mantis-lookalike daughter was an actress. She could have DESTROYED 90210 from the inside out if Shannon Doherty hadn't seized the initiative first. You honor quality at the Emmys, not slutty soap operas with Brian Austin Green. To further demonstrate this point, they brought out the Charlie's Angels, two-thirds of whom have been decimated by leprosy-like plastic surgery.

You are a nightmare. And your face doesn't move. Jesus.

Props to Jacyln Smith, who looks almost normal.

I don't think we need to post a picture of Farrah. Everyone knows what leather looks like.

Monday, August 28, 2006

Edward Norton Is Only Hot When He Has A Swastika Tattoed on His Left Pectoral.

3.2 stars.
Today, we're ringing in the unofficial start to Oscar season with a review of the movie that managed to finally save one of the Camdens from being hopeless typecast as a member of a creepy Aryan-like Christian family in suburbia. As it turns out, Jessica Biel can actually act, Paul Giamatti looks like Rosie O'Donnell in "Riding the Bus With My Sister," and Edward Norton is incapable of not being hot with facial hair. As movies that bill themselves as Oscar caliber go, The Illusionist isn't mistakenly drugged up on its own self-worth to the point of delusion (like Cinderella Man), but it's not as good as movies that are completely aware of how good they are and don't even feel the need to put quotes on their movie posters that say "Oscar caliber" on them. If that makes sense. The biggest problem with this movie is the mouthdroppingly horrible accents that everyone employs. The Illusionist takes place in turn of the century Vienna, so rather than, say, watch Predator and get a legit idea of what an Austrian accent sounds like, the actors speak with the Uma Thurman Oceania "What country is that accent from?" dialect. I don't think this is rocket science. If you're playing an Austrian, sound like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Better yet, take Paul Giamatti out of this movie as punishment for prolonging M. Night Shymalan's directing career and replace him with Arnold.

Can you imagine Arnold in a drama? Doesn't it just make your loins tingle?

There's one or two clever plot twists towards the end, and a very strange sex scene between Jessica and Ed that just involved panning down naked limbs and ended with a close-up of a male nipple. This sex scene had a lot of potential, and they should have bulked up Ed ala American History X and shown the entire body. No one goes to a movie to see one nipple. Unless they're REALLY big Naomi Watts fans.

Later today, we will be recapping the award-winning Emmy Party, including a detailed synopsis of when I freaked out after seeing Mariska on the preshow and accidentally spilled Diet Pepsi down Drunk Erin's ass crack.


Thursday, August 24, 2006

A Feline Reality Show Update.

I should have mentioned this before, since I know my readers are intensely curious about what happened to Olivia/Bambi in the Meow Mix House, but I feel my updates on her different toys more than make up for my heinous transgression. That said, Olivia did not win the competition - Cisco did. The one who looked exactly like Morris, the Nine Lives cat. Coincidence? Unlikely. Ellis got Viewer's Choice, which is the better indicator of the cats' worth than the fixed official contest sponsored by our friends at Meow Mix. Ellis was nobility defined, but I still say Opry should have won. If you are worried about how Olivia is coping in the wake of her stunning upset, you needn't. We bought two more cartons of skim milk yesterday, and though she will not be sampling the straight from the udder liquid, she now has a grand total of six blue milk carton rings to toss about the apartment at 2AM. So really, you should only feel sorry for me.

"Though Bambi may be leaving Meow Mix House, she’s not headed far. A loving owner in New York City, Emma Grimshaw, has agreed to care for her and give her the lifestyle she craves. In return, Meow Mix will send along a one-year supply of Meow Mix food, which Bambi reportedly stated was 'as scrumptious as anything I’ve tasted.'"

Baa Ram Ewe.

In 1994, I went to visit my cousin Katie in a posh suburb of Pittsburgh. I had never been on a plane before and I had never been west of Hershey Park. It was insanely intimidating, and on the morning of my sky-high debut, I felt a tickle in my throat and was slightly feverish. Jeffrey Grimshaw said I was nervous because I was going to live with relatives for a week in a gross city. When we got to the airport, I was feeling worse. The fever had definitely gone up and my sinuses were starting to get clogged. Still, Jeffrey Grimshaw remained nonplussed and practically pushed me into the plane. "Your cousin misses you and would be very upset if you didn't go. Oh! Don't put Big Bear in your bag - that's how Aunt Julie's going to recognize you." A normal 9-year-old would have been embarrassed at the prospect of flashing a decrepit teddy in the busy terminal of Pittsburgh International Airport, but I was not a normal child. And in my quasi-defense, my high temperature and disease had invaded my soul by the time we arrived in Philadelphia for my one-hour flight, and I would have carried a pile of my own feces off the plane if my father had told me it would help my relatives identify me in a crowd of people. The ride to Pittsburgh was mostly uneventful, though the sickness and awareness of said sickness was enough to taint any enjoyment I would have gotten from oogling the Liberty Bell at 30,000 feet. My one source of amusement was watching the drunkard next to me swill down Bloody Marys. He had four before we touched down in Pittsburgh.

By the time I staggered off the plane, I had a full-blown fever and must have looked like Marlon Brando circa July 1, 2004. The reactions on my relatives' faces were pretty predictable - mild elation at recognizing the stuffed orsine creature in my hands and then immediate revulsion at the rivulets of sweat coursing down my face. After eating six chicken nuggets at the Roy Rogers in the terminal and promptly vomiting them back up, I was bed-ridden for two days while various members of the family peered in to check on me nervously. By day three, I was back to my sprightly self and managed to engrain disturbing Emma-related images into the heads of my cousins for all time. To this day, my cousin Katie (who subtly keeps her distance from me - no one has argued that intelligence does not run on that side of the family) claims I hid in boxes and did various other creepy things during that week that solidified my reputation at a frighteningly early age. Why did I bring this up...oh, because I've been thinking about the pomegranate lamb I'm making for the Emmys on Sunday, and that got me thinking of the lambs in "Babe," and when I was in Pittsburgh, I saw that masterpiece in theaters.

This was taken from the making of documentary.

In other news, Lorne Michaels finally called me back and agreed that Kenan Thompson never should have had a career. I can't imagine someone watching the star of GOOD BURGER thinking that anything he did on SNL was even remotely amusing. Even when I was prepubescent and thought Nickelodeon's "All That" was fiendishly clever, I never thought that bloated tick was funny. The fact that there must have been several dozen people making more money than me who thought that this guy was worthy of being on the same stage as Amy Poehler is a CRIME. A CRIME.

You are INSUFFERABLE. And you look like the black Horace from Dr. Quinn. He was the telegraph operator.

Dear Netflix, thank you for bringing this cross-eyed chap back into my life.

Does anyone want to go see "The Illusionist" this weekend with me and Drunk Erin? If you do...there's a legit chance you will be mentioned in the blog movie review.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Emma's New BFF.

Pepsi has a new CEO. Indra Nooyi doesn't know it yet, but she has been entered into the 6th Annual Emma Grimshaw Letter Writing Contest - just as soon as I locate her address in Greenwich, CT. According to, I have to pay about $40 for that information, which is definitely not happening, but it is beyond necessary that I send off a missive informing her of the positive impact Diet Pepsi has had on my life and how it should be marketed much more heavily than regular Pepsi. If anyone has any suggestions for how I can casually drop by her house to congratulate her and extol the virtues of said carbonated beverage without looking completely psychotic, I am all ears.

I have no idea why there's a mouth in there, but I'm entranced.

In other news, I have been spending the last few days working on a Weenie Enema Investigative Report entitled "Dov'e Sette Magnifico?" which, in my trademark pidgin Italian means, where are the Magificent Seven? No, not Ernest Borgnine cowboy goodness, but the most badass group of human beings ever assembled outside of the set of SVU.

Now, if only their voices didn't sound like 7-year-olds.

Shannon Miller.

I had a girl crush on Shannon Miller when I was six and I told my mom and she chuckled and said, "You don't know what that is," and I said, "I want to make out with her, but I would NEVER do anything down there," and my mom smiled nervously and suggested I write her a letter. Guess who has an autographed picture now?

So Shannon was supposed to be the leader of the Magnificent Seven, but she blew her floor routine and went a little nutty. She didn't stink up the place; she ended up getting decent marks on the balance beam and bars, and was okay on the vault, and she ended up getting a gold medal for the balance beam in the all-around. Still, I have always maintained that Dominque Moceanu would have taken it home if she hadn't slipped. The end.

Like all gymnasts who basically retire at the age of 20, Shannon went through puberty and was totally unrecognizable by 1998. It's freaky.

No word on how her voice sounds now.
She got married to an eye doctor in 1999, and they separated in 2004 and had a really nasty divorce, which ended a few months ago. He claimed she cheated on him with a married professional athlete. Hmmm.

I have no proof. Don't sue me.

Dominique Moceanu.

What a little snare drum. Heart.

I was always pretty sure that Shannon Miller hated Dominique Moceanu for stealing her thunder, but I think it was just jealousy. Dominique could BRING IT. She could feed off of an audience like nothing else; her decision to perform her floor routine to Devil Went Down to Georgia in the middle of rabid Hotlanta was nothing short of genius. She is tinier than my cat.


Somehow, this nut is still competing. She must be about 25 by now, and she just had her petition to compete in Nationals denied. I would let her compete until the end of time, even if her body more closely resembled FDR's circa 1940 than her overly developed scary 8-pack body of yesteryear. And she's engaged to this guy who used to be on the Ohio State Gymnastics Team. Not much of a surprise there.

That is the coolest picture I have ever seen. Except for that one with the mouth in the ear. And the Marcia Gay Harden dog.

Dominique Dawes.

My father called her "the black Dominque," which is kind of unfair, because no one was calling Dominique Moceanu "the dwarf Romanian Dominique." I digress. Dominique had the best floor routine ever in '96. The only thing that would have made it better was if she had decided to do her tumbling passes to Journey to the Island from Jurassic Park. I will be bringing up that delightful movie again in a moment.


She looks EXACTLY the same. She has somehow emerged from a time warp ala Sophia Loren. Or maybe she figured out a way to get through puberty before the Olympics.

Dominique hasn't done anything too crazy. She was in Grease on Broadway, which I'm really sorry I didn't catch because that's definitely better than Joey FatOne in Rent, and she appeared in music videos for Prince and Missy Elliott, but not the Spice Girls. Admittedly, I think the Spice Girls unofficially broke up while she was still competing, but there was definitely a spot in the Say You'll Be There video with her name on it.

Dear childhood, come back.

Kerri Strug.

It kind of sucks that no one's going to remember her for anything but endangering the permanent health of her ankle and lunging off a vault onto it when it was, like, hanging by a ligament. Besides bearing an uncanny resemblance to Joe Mazzello (my Jurassic Park reference), she was kicking major ass up until that point and probably would have ended up with a medal on floor. But alas, all she did was guest star on 90210, unfortunately not during the critically acclaimed Brenda years.

Kerri's the one in the blue shirt.


Does anyone else think she looks like that painting in Ghostbusters 2?

Kerri is actually doing some pretty badass shizzle. She went to Stanford and was an elementary school teacher, and then she moved to Washington and has been working for the government in the Justice Department of all things. Somehow, in the middle of all of this, she put in a cameo on Strong Medicine. People kill me.

Amanda Borden.

Those are the sickest leg muscles ever.

I didn't like Amanda Borden, specifically because she wasn't one of the previous four. She gave off bitchy vibes and she looks like this woman who worked with my mom who didn't like me because I had to use her bathroom at 7 in the morning. I apologized, but she always fixed this stare on me whenever she saw me that said, "You can't control your bowels." Well, I was 10. Sorry. And my dad is a 50-year-old repeat offender who has lost control in some of the most amazing ways/places imaginable. So maybe you should look at my dad instead.


Well...she doesn't look as mean. In fact, she looks like my old chum Nadia, who met her fiancee in a discotech in Firenze. Fact.
She went to Arizona State and got a degree in early childhood education or something, so I suspect that means she's probably teaching a bunch of doe-eyed young things who have no idea that she was that bitchy girl with the overly muscular legs.

Jaycie Phelps.

I didn't like her either. She did this weird floor routine where she pretended to get hit by a car. It made no sense and she flailed around for a good 90 seconds or so with music that sounded like brakes screeching. Shiver.


She got married to Olympic gymnast Brett McClure, who was the only member of the US team in 2004 with a receding hairline. There were some HOT people on that team.

Blaine Wilson <3.

Amy Chow.

I have no recollection of anything she did. She certainly didn't compete in every event, and she wasn't a badass like the Dominiques and Disemboweled Ankle Strug. Apparently she won the silver on the bars. No. Idea.


I don't know what it is with gymnasts and Stanford, but she's at their med school right now studying to be a pediatrician or...some other doctor. I would never recognize any of these people on the street, which is kind of sad, because I doubt there are that many blog investigative reports targeting their existence at this point. Dramatic sigh.

I told DB Bogangles that I was doing a blog entry about the Magnificent Seven and she got excited because she thought I was talking about the movie, and subsequently became "depressed like a manic wolf." Direct quote. So I made a promise (because I'm awesome like that) to insert a picture of Yul Brynner at the end of this.