Tuesday, August 29, 2006

A Picture Was Once Taken Of Me Where I Looked Like Evil.

This is that picture.

Drunk Erin looks like the T-1000 in Terminator 2 right before he dissolved in the magma. I personally feel that I look like an evil alien from the critically acclaimed masterpiece Aliens for Breakfast, in which the alien brainwashes everyone with his white teeth and makes the protagonist's fingernails bleed. It's rather grisly for a 2nd grade reading level.

As I recall, the sequel to this, Aliens for Lunch, dealt with evil aliens stealing the secret ingredient that makes junkfood taste good. It was horrifying stuff.

Now, on with the Emmys.
As per usual, the Weenie Enema team assembled a stellar ensemble of homedogs to watch the Emmys this year, led by Olivia, who spent most of the Emmys on top of the futon staring at everyone, but during the Barry Manilow song, her ears perked up and she oozed interest. While it is disheartening to know that my beloved feline has no taste in music, it is reassuring to know that she is not perfect.
That said, aside from Mariska, the Emmys were a shitshow, just like last year. Conan is amazing, and he did the impossible - he made people think that Bob Newhart is funny. If he can conduct such comedic wizardry, I don't think it's out of the realm of possibility to assume he could do the same for the entire cast of Full House, and maybe even some of the posse from Who's the Boss?

But it should be noted that Conan is talented, not performing miracles here, so your dream of genuinally laughing at a Bob Saget joke will have to wait.

During the preshow - which DB Bogangles and I watched quietly while hordes of ruffians guzzled Heinekan around us - Billy Bush was interviewing Annette Bening and her tool of a husband who thinks he's still God's gift to women. During said interview, Bush referred to Annette as an Oscar winner. Immediately, Devra and I look at each other in extreme confusion.
"Wait...she never won."
"Did she win for American Beauty?"
"Dude, what??? That was Hilary Swank in Boys Don't Cry."
"Then I'm confused."
It turns out she never won an Oscar, and incredibly, she didn't correct Billy Bush. Both her and Warren Beatty can suck it hard. She has lost my favor, despite an Oscar-worthy performance in "The American President."

I would have voted Michael Douglas into office. If push came to shove.

Megan Mullally won for Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy, and it reminded me of why I never watch Will and Grace, despite the actual material in the show being pretty funny - you can tell that everyone on that show is a giant, giant tool and, whether it's the fictional characters or the narcissistic actors portraying them, I would have gotten into rumbles with all of them if they had bumped into me on the street. Except Rosario. She makes illegal immigration almost funny.

Insert statement about getting what you deserve. Although they both seem to kind of like it.

The most horrifying moment of the show was when someone thought it would be a good idea to honor Aaron Spelling for 15 minutes. Jesus. Now, I don't wish the corpse of Aaron Spelling anything...worm eating body related, but come on. This is the man who thought his praying mantis-lookalike daughter was an actress. She could have DESTROYED 90210 from the inside out if Shannon Doherty hadn't seized the initiative first. You honor quality at the Emmys, not slutty soap operas with Brian Austin Green. To further demonstrate this point, they brought out the Charlie's Angels, two-thirds of whom have been decimated by leprosy-like plastic surgery.

You are a nightmare. And your face doesn't move. Jesus.

Props to Jacyln Smith, who looks almost normal.

I don't think we need to post a picture of Farrah. Everyone knows what leather looks like.


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