Monday, August 28, 2006

Edward Norton Is Only Hot When He Has A Swastika Tattoed on His Left Pectoral.


3.2 stars.
Today, we're ringing in the unofficial start to Oscar season with a review of the movie that managed to finally save one of the Camdens from being hopeless typecast as a member of a creepy Aryan-like Christian family in suburbia. As it turns out, Jessica Biel can actually act, Paul Giamatti looks like Rosie O'Donnell in "Riding the Bus With My Sister," and Edward Norton is incapable of not being hot with facial hair. As movies that bill themselves as Oscar caliber go, The Illusionist isn't mistakenly drugged up on its own self-worth to the point of delusion (like Cinderella Man), but it's not as good as movies that are completely aware of how good they are and don't even feel the need to put quotes on their movie posters that say "Oscar caliber" on them. If that makes sense. The biggest problem with this movie is the mouthdroppingly horrible accents that everyone employs. The Illusionist takes place in turn of the century Vienna, so rather than, say, watch Predator and get a legit idea of what an Austrian accent sounds like, the actors speak with the Uma Thurman Oceania "What country is that accent from?" dialect. I don't think this is rocket science. If you're playing an Austrian, sound like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Better yet, take Paul Giamatti out of this movie as punishment for prolonging M. Night Shymalan's directing career and replace him with Arnold.

Can you imagine Arnold in a drama? Doesn't it just make your loins tingle?

There's one or two clever plot twists towards the end, and a very strange sex scene between Jessica and Ed that just involved panning down naked limbs and ended with a close-up of a male nipple. This sex scene had a lot of potential, and they should have bulked up Ed ala American History X and shown the entire body. No one goes to a movie to see one nipple. Unless they're REALLY big Naomi Watts fans.


Later today, we will be recapping the award-winning Emmy Party, including a detailed synopsis of when I freaked out after seeing Mariska on the preshow and accidentally spilled Diet Pepsi down Drunk Erin's ass crack.

EAT IT, KYRA SEDGWICK.

2 Comments:

At 8:49 AM, Anonymous Karol said...

What? Mariska won?! I hadn't heard.

 
At 7:44 AM, Blogger e.e.grimshaw said...

i just od'd on sarcasm.

 

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