I Saw A Pug Yesterday and Named It Gary Gilmore, and then Remembered that I was Going to Name the Next Pug I Saw Harmen Blannerhassett. I Lie.

Karol from Alarming News, i.e. the only reputable person in the universe with a legitimate following who interacts with me (unless you count the time I instant messaged the starting forward of the Gonzaga Bulldogs and asked him about sandcats. I <3 Facebook), has inadvertantly brought a real douche of an issue on the table that needs to be addressed - nobody knows what I'm talking about or where I stand on anything. Now, I really don't care if people don't know what I'm talking about. This is an historic problem that dates back to a miscommunication about nipples with a bunch of wayward town cheerleaders in 1987, so I see no need to try and rectify a situation already grown heinously out of control. However, I think it may be useful to go out of my way and explain my positions on certain issues so that my loyal readers can understand the mentality behind statements like, 'I would marry a pug if I thought I could handle the social ramifications,' and, 'Why was Charles Bronson SO hot in The Great Escape?' With that in mind, I asked DB Bogangles for a list of controversial issues, and I intend to address every single one of them below.

I don't know. I'm sorry.

1. Palestine.
I don't like Palestine. I grew up in a household that had a pro-Israel parent and a parent that seemed incredibly suspicious of the Jewish population. I could have gone either way, I suspect. However, my severe dislike for Palestine isn't really based on the whole, "This land was the Jews' in the Bible, they're entitled to it" argument (though I'm not actually disputing it), as it is based on the fact that the Palestinian people think it's fun to vote terrorists into their government. I don't see how a Palestinian thought it would be a good idea to vote Hamas into power knowing that the Western world was going to cut off their funding and leave the area penniless. Mahmoud Abbas is rather toothless at this juncture, but he means well. You can't tell me that going on to buses and blowing the shit out of Israeli children is justifiable. My mother and I are basically not speaking at the moment because she doesn't think Israel has the right to launch rockets into Lebanon. You know. Because Hezbollah didn't START this. Yeah.

Mad love. Get better soon.

2. Darren I Vs. Darren II on Bewitched.
I know, I thought DB Bogangles was going to take the list seriously too. Sigh. Um...I liked the one who looked like Desi Arnaz. I don't know which one that was, but I'm very pro this show because it reminds me of when Nick at Nite showed programming from other decades besides the 1990s. I'm sorry, Fresh Prince is not Nick at Nite material.

Every time I see this show, I keep thinking, "You need to buzz that hair. Call it a day." He didn't listen to me until 1994.

3. Euthanasia.
I'm not sure why this was ever debatable. If you're dying and you want help to speed the process along, provided you're actually coherent and know what you want, what's the issue? On the other hand, if Mariska Hargitay came up to me and told me she was dying and needed help to finish the job, I would convince her she wasn't dying, drug her up, and put her on the futon next to Big Bear to watch SVU. I am so sick.

Remember when you were gorgeous?

4. Stem Cell Research.
Again, no moral qualm with this. The conservative base in this country isn't as out of touch as people want you to believe, but they really did themselves no favors by campaigning against this.

5. Pepsi vs. Coke.
I think they're both horrid, but in diet form, Pepsi is unstoppable. I drink seven cans a day on average, and because C-Town has a new deal of three cases for $10, I always have at least 40 cans of Diet Pepsi at my disposal. I RULE.

Imagine 38 of those in a Macy's bag. Welcome to my kitchen.