Wednesday, July 05, 2006

The Only Thing More Clever than the Titles of My Blog Posts are Fall Out Boy and Panic! At the Disco Song Titles

Although to be fair, both of them liberally borrow cliche movie utterances from Dirty Dancing and Casablanca. If I was forming an emo/pop punk ensemble, I would steal lines from underappreciated gems like My Girl and Terminator 2.

Songs on an Album That Emma Will Have After She Writes the Pulitzer Prize-winning tome "Mammaries and Memories."
1. I Beat Thomas J in Monopoly Yesterday.
2. Certainly not the Hand Walking Queer.
I'll think of others. The problem with all of these lovely little punk ditties is that when you actually hear the song "Nobody Puts Baby in A Corner," it says nothing about Dirty Dancing. If I was writing that song, the entire first verse would be about the simultaneous demise of Jennifer Grey's career and her nose. Reminds me of someone.

Note to Ashlee Simpson - no one will hire you if they don't recognize you. Frankly, I'm shocked they were hiring you when they DID recognize you. My cantankerous feline sings better than you when she's gnawing on her extremities in a feeble attempt to get Scoop Away out of her fur.

I have decided that the newly annointed Stupidest Person in the World is Matt Moline, the seemingly tortured husband (soon to be ex) of the most amazing human in the entire world - Kathy Griffin. If you find 40 bucks on the street, I suggest you take it, buy a Strawberry Banana smoothie at Dunkin Donuts, and use the $35 you'll have left to purchase tickets to her show. She makes Oprah incest jokes. And says cunt about 467 times.
According to Devra Bogangles, who knows absolutely everything not worth knowing, Kathy was supposed to go on Larry King last night and explain that she was definitely divorcing Matt because he stole over $70,000 from her. But then Kim Jong Il decided to be a chocolate socket. For the record, I was a big fan of Matt. I saw him on her reality show a bunch of times, and he seemed like a real trooper, taking time out of his own life to sell DVDs at her shows and withstand an absurd amount of abuse in the spotlight. Devra did not like him because he had hairplugs. I feel there are stronger rationales out there for disliking someone. Like when I declared war against Ahmed the taxi driver for trying to murder me on 58th and 1st. Or when Kelly Ripa showed up at my door last night with arsenic-laced Diet Pepsi and I almost drank it before I remembered that Kelly Ripa has been trying to kill me for months and the Diet Pepsi probably had arsenic in it.

How. Badass.

You have to assume that stealing money from Kathy Griffin is roughly equivalent to taking a plane to California, digging up Ronald Reagan's corpse, and defiling it. Number one, if any joy is derived from such action, it is going to be rather short-lived. There's probably a secret military sect that is poised to mutilate if a Presidential corpse is fucked or ransacked. While Kathy Griffin is not nearly as powerful as a Presidential carcass, she is If you piss off Kathy, 10 to 1, you're going to take up 45% of the material in her next 70 standup shows, witnessed by approximately 200,000 people, and she'll go to the press with her tale if she thinks they'll pay money for it. I suspect if I had been born with red hair and had 3 more enemies, I could be Kathy Griffin.

This hurts me everywhere.
Of course, being me, one of the first things that occurred to me is that Dakota Fanning created this entire story for revenge. I wouldn't put it past her. She's going to be nominated for about 23 Oscars in her career, she might as well knock out her antagonizers early on before other people besides me get suspicious.

"Btw," I had a dream about Dakota months ago. We were basically BFFs in it. If you're keeping score, that's 2 Paris Hilton BFF dreams, one Mischa Barton BFF dream, and one Dakota Fanning BFF dream. I don't know how or if you can categorize the dream with Benjamin Mckenzie where he wouldn't hug me because he had kittens underneath his shirt. I love my dreams.

Mischa chose a "movie career" over this. What a fool. She hasn't eaten food since 1996, when Mariah Carey's hit single "Fantasy" was on the radio. Fact.


At 12:17 PM, Blogger Geno said...

Kelly Ripa would never try to kill you with Diet Pepsi. She's more hands on. In my dreams she stradles me and chokes me with her bare hands....Oh Kelly...


Post a Comment

<< Home