An Extensive Golden Globes Preview That Makes Up For Its Blatant Inaccuracies with Pictures of Sharpeis at the End.

You have no idea how lucky you are to be treated to such an extensive analysis for free. Seriously. By this time next year, I'll be a huge mega blogosphere star, and you'll have to pay $14 bucks a month to read my awe-inspiring thoughts. Don't let that depress you though, because this is the Official Weenie Enema Golden Globes Predictions.
Disclaimer - I have no idea what I'm talking about. My tastes are generally arbitrary, so if you try to profit from my wisdom you'll undoubtedly end up on the street in front of my bodega. That's on 2nd between 94th and 95th for the ignorant. Also, I haven't seen all of the movies and/or TV shows up for awards, so I usually concoct some dumb reason for voting for a particular nominee. On the other hand, I generally have around a 75% success rate with these things, and if there's someone REALLY bored out there, they should watch the Globes (preferably in my apartment) and compare the actual winners with my list. I'll probably do it myself on Tuesday in an entry titled 'I Rule At Making Golden Globe Predictions.'

I'm done boring you with the formalities. Prepare to be amazed.com.

1. BEST MOTION PICTURE - DRAMA
Nominees:
Brokeback Mountain
The Constant Gardener
Good Night, and Good Luck
A History of Violence
Match Point

Is this even close? Has anyone seen more than one or two of these movies? Come on.


Fucking incredibleness.

I really don't know why Munich isn't on here. I didn't bother writing up a review of that movie because it would have taken me forever, and I figured with my Ariel Sharon love fest, the world would OD on Israel. That's the only movie that comes close to Brokeback, and...I am really baffled by the rest of this list. I saw Good Night, and Good Luck, and it was very good, but it's no man-on-man wonderment. Has anyone seen this gardener thingy? I discounted that because Ralph Fiennes doesn't believe in having a name that sounds anything like it's spelled. If he had gone to court and had it legally changed to Ray or Rayph or however the hell you pronounce it, I would have considered it. Actually, that's a lie. It looks ridic. Viggo eats roadkill, and I'm still not willing to embrace Woody "Yellow Fever Old Creepy Man" Allen. Match Point could have been amazing, and it was like watching a dried-out flat version of Closer. If something else wins, I will quit Diet Pepsi for a week to be dramatic and lame - like whatever movie beat Brokeback.

2. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA
Nominees:
Maria Bello - A History of Violence
Felicity Huffman - Transamerica
Gwyneth Paltrow - Proof
Charlize Theron - North Country
Ziyi Zhang -Memoirs of a Geisha

Alright, I haven't seen a single one of these. But again, this seems like a no-brainer to me.


Tranny love.

First of all, she's not Gwyneth. Gwyneth can seriously eat me. Or her kid can. Oh wait. Her kid IS a food. Badum ts. That inhuman wench deserves nothing ever. Charlize had her rape movie already. Is anyone else getting tired of her getting assaulted by men in her movies? And yes, I consider the flabby-titted Tobey Maguire sex scene in Cider House Rules an assault. I don't care about the existence of the geisha movie, and again, not supporting Viggo this year without the grizzled Aragorn beard. Felicity makes the Housewives good, and she deserves something for her troubles.

3. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE - DRAMA


The other nominees don't matter.



Sorry David Straithairn. You picked the wrong year to have your career highlight. The same can be said for Mr. Hoffman. But hey, I thought you should have picked up a Globe for Twister, so what do I know?

4. BEST MOTION PICTURE - MUSICAL OR COMEDY
Nominees:
Mrs. Henderson Presents
Pride & Prejudice
The Producers
The Squid and the Whale
Walk the Line

Something tells me that if I had actually seen it, I'd be voting for the Squid. That said, I don't have a clue who wins here, except it won't be The Producers. It can't be. It got 1 star from the Post.


Solidness. It's not easy to make an archaic Jane Austin movie entertaining, but it was done, and Keira gives a career-defining performance.

5. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE - MUSICAL OR COMEDY
Nominees:
Judi Dench - Mrs. Henderson Presents
Keira Knightley - Pride & Prejudice
Laura Linney - The Squid and the Whale
Sarah Jessica Parker - The Family Stone
Reese Witherspoon - Walk the Line

I KNEW I would have to choose between Keira and Reese. For the record, both deserve it. SJP has no reason to be on this list except for the fact that they couldn't nominate Judi Dench twice because she was so fucking bad in Pride & Prejudice. And Laura Linney creeps me out.


Keira, it was close. I am way sorry. She did her own SINGING.

6. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE -MUSICAL OR COMEDY
Nominees:
Pierce Brosnan - The Matador
Jeff Daniels - The Squid and the Whale
Johnny Depp - Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Nathan Lane - The Producers
Cillian Murphy - Breakfast on Pluto
Joaquin Phoenix - Walk the Line

Are they really considering giving Johnny Depp an award for channeling Michael Jackson? If I drop a baby named Blanket off a German balcony, can I get one too?


The pill-popping got tedious, but if Johnny Cash had actually been hot...this is about as close as you could get. If I'm Ryan Phillipe, I'm just a LITTLE nervous right now.


7. BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM

Does anyone really care? Uh...how about Kong Fu Hustle? Inna liked that one. Good enough for me.


8. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE
Nominees:
Scarlett Johansson - Match Point
Shirley MacLaine - In Her Shoes
Frances McDormand - North Country
Rachel Weisz - The Constant Gardener
Michelle Williams - Brokeback Mountain

Without knowing my extensive background concerning one of these nominees, on paper, this looks like it's Scarlett's to lose. Completely untrue. She's very good in Match Point, but she's been significantly better in at least two other movies. It's irrelevent though, because Michelle Williams is all over this shit. She won it from the minute she saw Heath and Jake sucking face. Hell, she won this from the minute she walked out of the car and strolled over and introduced herself to Dawson Leery and an already jealous Joey Potter. She's getting the Oscar too.

"Heath, could you NOT put that in my back door?"
<3 mad love for Michelle.

9. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE
Nominees:
George Clooney - Syriana
Matt Dillon - Crash
Will Ferrell - The Producers
Paul Giamatti - Cinderella Man
Bob Hoskins - Mrs. Henderson Presents


Wow. I humbly bow my head at the sheer talent in this category. However, Matt Dillon apparently didn't get the memo about how you're not allowed to get nominated for a Golden Globe if Denise Richards has outacted you in a movie before. In case you're wondering, that rule only applies to Matt Dillon and Casper Van Dien and his miniscule nipples. Jesting aside, I don't think it's fair to nominate anyone from a movie like Crash - each actor is in it for 10 minutes. "Wait!", you say. "Didn't Benecio get nominated and WIN for a movie that was very similar in structure?" That's totally true. The difference is that he was in Traffic for about 25 minutes and was much better than Matt Dillon was in Crash.
Bob Hoskins' nose and penis may get him the award, but it's not the kind of character that should really ensure anyone of a Globe. Will Ferrell is really annoying, despite anything Devra Bogangles tries to convince you of in a later post, so this is really between George and Paul. Insert Beatles joke.


They'll probably give it to him just for gaining 30 pounds. From the parts of this movie that I actually saw, I thought it was his best performance since Sisters.

I heart crappy quality Detective Falconer pictures.

10. BEST DIRECTOR - MOTION PICTURE
Nominees:
Woody Allen - Match Point
George Clooney - Good Night, and Good Luck
Peter Jackson - King Kong
Ang Lee - Brokeback Mountain
Fernando Meirelles - The Constant Gardener
Steven Spielberg - Munich


Alright, lets weed out the crap. Goodbye, Peter Jackson and your uncircumcised penis leech thingy crap movie. Goodbye, Woody and your wannabe Closer movie. Goodbye, Spanish director whom I have no interest in. George - I just gave you an award a category ago. So it's down to my two favorites of the year. Sigh.


Heh. It looks like Big Bear and Obi-Wan.

There were some incredible incredible INCREDIBLE shots in Munich with car windows. I am not the film scholar that Devra is, so I wouldn't know anything technical about a movie if it hit me in the face. But even I noticed how well this was shot. That's not to discredit Ang Lee and Brokeback. That stuff on the mountain is gorgeous, but I don't know how many props you give to someone for knowing the mountain is cool looking and pointing the camera at it.

11. BEST SCREENPLAY - MOTION PICTURE
Nominees:
Woody Allen - Match Point
George Clooney & Grant Heslov - Good Night, and Good Luck
Paul Haggis & Bobby Moresco - Crash
Tony Kushner & Eric Roth - Munich
Larry McMurtry & Diana Ossana - Brokeback Mountain

I'm throwing Brokeback out immediately because the only reason the screenplay's any good is because of the book. If Annie Proulx was getting nominated, I'd reconsider this stance. The best lines in the movie come from the book - i.e. "I wish I knew how to quit you," "Gun's goin' off," and the incredible shirt scene:

The shirt seemed heavy until he saw there was another shirt inside it, the sleeves carefully worked down inside Jack's sleeves. It was his own plaid shirt, lost, he'd thought, long ago in some damn laundry, his dirty shirt, the pocket ripped, buttons missing, stolen by Jack and hidden here inside Jack's own shirt, the pair like two skins, one inside the other, two in one. He pressed his face into the fabric and breathed in slowly through his mouth and nose, hoping for the faintest smoke and mountain sage and salty sweet stink of Jack but there was no real scent, only the memory of it, the imagined power of Brokeback Mountain of which nothing was left but what he held in his hands.

Exactly.
I'm completely convinced that Woody Allen disproved his thesis of "It's better to be lucky than good," so he's out of the running, as far as I'm concerned. Good Night, and Good Luck is probably the most intelligent script in that I was actually depressed watching that movie and thinking about how I didn't understand half of the complicated shizzle David Straithairn was spewing. But if this wins, Ann Coulter is going to write about 50 columns condeming the decision, and she can be put to better use aka making fun of Ted Kennedy.


Sorry. I am a sucker for those crazy time warp scripts that keep flipping back and forth until it takes you two hours to figure out how everything is intricately connected. So badass. Go Crash. And I am indebted to Paul Haggis for Million Dollar Baby.

12. BEST ORIGINAL SCORE - MOTION PICTURE

I almost took this category seriously. If this was 1991 and The Bodyguard soundtrack was up for something...
Wait. John Williams did Memoirs of a Geisha. He did Journey to the Island from Jurassic Park. There is my vote.

You can't see it in the picture, but B. D. Wong is totally next to them. So serious.

13. BEST ORIGINAL SONG - MOTION PICTURE


If you're genuinally upset that I don't give a shit, I don't know you. Clearly.


14. BEST TELEVISION SERIES - DRAMA
Nominees:
Commander in Chief
Grey's Anatomy
Lost
Prison Break
Rome

Grey's Anatomy is the worst show in television now that Blind Justice got canceled. Rome...is on HBO and I know nothing about it. I could never fully enjoy Prison Break because I couldn't get that annoying thought out of my head that, once he breaks out, you don't have a show. Clearly, he has to break out. This isn't like Lost, where they could conceivably be on that island for 10 seasons. How long can he hang out in that prison hatching schemes with his dumb prison blueprint tattoo?


Great show. My bias is clear, but it's solid. Except for the casting of the daughter from Profiler. She needs to just STOP. Three days ago, Geena was butting heads with the North Koreans. Admittedly, this would be harder to love if I didn't know that I could catch House in the summer. House really should have been at least nominated.


15. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES - DRAMA
Nominees:
Patricia Arquette - Medium
Glenn Close - The Shield
Geena Davis - Commander in Chief
Kyra Sedgwick - The Closer
Polly Walker - Rome

First...a moment of silence for someone who couldn't be here today because her show has become so putrid that the Foreign Press couldn't even acknowlege her blatant talent.


Such class. Such ability.

A grave injustice has been done here, and it doesn't matter who wins because they're not as good as the one that got omitted. It is with a heavy heart that I nominate what one soulless individual has referred to as "the Amazonian war princess who can't act."

Besides. Glenn Close is a man and is ergo not qualified for this specific category. Try number 16.

16. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES - DRAMA
Nominees:
Patrick Dempsey - Grey's Anatomy
Matthew Fox - Lost
Hugh Laurie - House
Wentworth Miller - Prison Break
Kiefer Sutherland - 24

I refuse on principle to waste any space talking about any of these amateurs.


So many people have told me they don't even know what this show is. It's the best show on television. There is a sexual tension between Robert Sean "Dead Poet from Dead Poets Society" Leonard and Hugh Laurie that is wholly inappropriate and yet absolutely necessary. There are no words. If that cunt from Party of Five takes this home - armed insurrection dot net.


17. BEST TELEVISION SERIES - MUSICAL OR COMEDY
Nominees:
Curb Your Enthusiasm
Desperate Housewives
Entourage
Everybody Loves Chris
My Name is Earl
Weeds

What? Did someone actually think a show from UPN was funny? I know. I don't get it either. Somebody buy me Weeds because I think I'd like it. Since I don't KNOW I'd like it though, I'm going with those crazy cats on Wisteria Lane.


18. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES - MUSICAL OR COMEDY
Nominees:
Marcia Cross - Desperate Housewives
Teri Hatcher - Desperate Housewives
Felicity Huffman - Desperate Housewives
Eva Langoria - Desperate Housewives
Mary-Louise Parker - Weeds

Eva Langoria can't act. 27 million people are witness to this every week. Talk about a pity vote.
The real question is whether to bestow Mary-Louise Parker, who won my heart as Brad Renfro's chain-smoking mom in The Client, with the honor of my prediction, or if I should give it to Felicity Huffman, just because the idea that the other Housewives will kill her if she wins two of those things amuses me so much.

I decided to give it to Felicity because she makes babies with William H. Macy. And he was in The Wool Cap, which has to be the best movie title ever. God, I'm losing mad legitimacy the longer this goes on.

19. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES - MUSICAL OR COMEDY
Nominees:
Zach Braff - Scrubs
Steve Carell - The Office
Larry David - Curb Your Enthusiasm
Jason Lee - My Name is Earl
Charlie Sheen - Two and a Half Men

I think they're all jackasses. Jason Lee gets the slight nod over the rest of the herd because he's in a show that cast Brett Butler as a guest star. Fabulous move.

Train wreck. I love it. Somebody put Grace Under Fire on DVD. Now.

20. BEST MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
Empire Falls
Into the West
Lackawanna Blues
Sleeper Cell
Viva Blackpool
Warm Springs

There can't seriously be people that watch these. Clearly, Warm Springs deserves this for the most amazing casting ever - Kenneth BranAGH as FDR. Orgasm.

Heh.

21. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MINI-SERIES OR A MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

Just know that Halle Berry got nominated for being Oprah's stooge and is thus the only person that shouldn't win.


22. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MINI-SERIES OR A MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
See number 20. Not even close. Roosevelt love.

I'm sick of this shizzle, so we're skipping a category.
24. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
Nominees:
Naveen Andrews - Lost
Paul Newman - Empire Falls
Jeremy Piven - Entourage
Randy Quaid - Elvis
Donald Sutherland - Commander in Chief

Paul Newman probably still has a 6-pack at...105 or whatever he is. Usually that would be enough, but Donald Sutherland is really fucking good. Commander in Chief would be basically the best show ever if he wasn't a supporting role.

How that man managed to channel David Beckham is beyond me.

I must now abide by my promise in the blog title.



"You're fired, Serena."