Sunday, December 04, 2005

The Top 10...or Four Most Insane People in America Not Named Cindy Sheehan.

I don't think it's possible to love a picture more than I do right now. What. A. Cunty. Nutjob.
I could go on forever about Cindy Sheehan, from her shrill voice that sounds like auditory rape, to her alliance with Al "I Have Literal Blood on my Hands But Still Run For President on a Quadrennial Basis" Sharpton. But today, we're going to focus our attention on people that aren't about to disappear permanently from the public eye.

1. Ann Coulter.

I LOVE Ann. More than life itself. But the fact remains that she's completely insane in the most logical way possible. It's like saying that Jessica Simpson is dumb while she's cashing her billion-dollar paychecks - something doesn't add up. Ann shot into the public eye in 1998 when she released her first book "High Crimes and Misdemeanors: The Case Against Bill Clinton." I haven't actually read it, but I've read her columns from this time period, so I suspect it's 358 pages of penile cigar scathingness intertwined with cold legal reasoning.
She wrote a few more anti-liberal tomes - Slander and Treason - but really gained her notoriety when she penned her column on September 12, 2001 "This is War.":
It is preposterous to assume every passenger is a potential crazed homicidal maniac. They are the ones cheering and dancing right now. We should invade their countries, kill their leaders, and convert them to Christianity...We carpet-bombed German cities; we killed civilians. That's war. And this is war.
Does Ann believe what she wrote? She very well may; her TV appearances certainly lead one to that conclusion. However, I can't imagine she wrote that without thinking about the shitload of publicity and money she had coming her way. This woman represents extremism in all of its evil and grandeur. She could be dismissed as a right-wing loon if her arguments weren't so deliciously concise. Ann may be the only bulemic law scholar in the country that could write an article about Halle Berry's skin color as easily as one riddled with dry legal analysis. Clearly, she deserves the number one spot, and I highly recommend "How to Talk to a Liberal (If You Must)," simply for the Clinton and Hollywood articles.

2. Barbra Streisand.

In many ways, Barbra is much more dangerous than Ann. Everyone knows what Ann is, and there are no surprises. If Ann was photographed in the West Village with a fire hydrant up her crotch, people would chortle, roll their eyes and say, "Oh, Ann." Barbra is different. Too many people in this country consider her an actress/singer with a grasp on current events. I'm saying it just this one - SHE IS INSANE. If you haven't done so, go to her official Website In the midst of the self-promotion for her movies and CDs, there's a section inconspiciously titled, "Statements." A more apt description would be Batshit Political Manifestos Penned in an Asylum. I noticed this site about two years ago, when she wrote some incomprehensible blather about the constitution and witches. You've heard all of her talking points before - it's classic Hollywood liberal shizzle about how Bush is evil and Republicans are evil.
Posted on October 26, 2005

If there was ever a time in history to impeach a President of the United States, it would be now. In my opinion, it is two years too late. We should have done this before the election to spare the country the misjudgment, the incompetence and the malfeasance of this administration.

This is what I NEVER understand about declarations like this. If you impeach Bush, which you can't because he didn't do anything impeachable unless you count believing British intelligience and raising two skanky ass drunk daughters, you're going to have DICK CHENEY as your President. DICK CHENEY. Is there a scarier man in America? And if somehow you managed to get both of them out of office, you'd have Dennis Hastert to deal with. After him? Nancy Pelosi, who bears a striking resemblance to that weird panther thingy that Chance sent off the cliff in Homeward Bound. She's also crazy, "btw."

Dear Babs, go back to making cinematic wonderment like Yentl. You weren't doing much harm as a little homely Jewish boy.

3. Dr. Howard Dean

Howard and I go way back. Most people are not aware of this, but there was a point where he was normal and badass. It was January of 2003 on Meet the Press. He showed no signs of lunacy as of yet, and was a well-spoken social liberal, fiscal conservative from Vermont. I even saw him at a rally at City Hall Park in October of that year. Still basically normal, though his voice was getting a bit Cindy Sheehan-like. Sometime between than and the Iowa primaries - he went nuts. Which is sad, because if he hadn't developed that anger management problem, he would have been an amazing Presidential candidate. My theory all along has been that he shot out to the front of the primary race too soon, so the eight other Democratic hopefuls bonded together and spewed shit at him for several months and stole his sanity. It's too easy to just blame Al Sharpton. I also think the Clintons did something fiendish behind the scenes, but again - speculation. I can't for the life of me figure out why he was put in charge of the Democratic Party at this state of his mental illness. Nothing good will come out of this, mark my words.

I think he's pretending his fingers are guns.

4. TeRAYsa Heinz Kerry.

I need to stop picking people I love. Far and away the best thing about the 2004 campaign, Teresa's quotes from the political trail are nothing short of legendary. The great tragedy of this country is not Iraq, September 11th, hurricanes or Tom Cruise - it's that this woman doesn't get any more press coverage.
If this woman had lived in the White House, everyone would be happier. There would be irreverent press conferences, domestic disputes, tirades in at least four other languages. Sob.
During the Democratic Convention in Boston, Teresa was given the mic on Day 2 to extol the virtues of her second husband. She talked about herself for 45 minutes in an incredible speech that incorporated ketchup and Mozambique. Find a better speech - I defy you.
Ann Coulter also seemed to enjoy her existence.
Even after Kerry was attacked for speaking French, Heinz thought the best course would be to defend her husband by haughtily snipping that the Bush aides "probably don't even speak French." Take that, you boorish Americans!

However, Teresa doesn't need any help compiling amazing quotes. (All liberally taken from Track 'Em Down)
"Clothing is wonderful, but let them go naked for a while, at least the kids."
"I have to say that John Edwards is very beautiful."
"If nothing else, you will have a mom in the White House," Teresa Heinz Kerry said before the packed hotel room of homosexual delegates and advocates.

Lest we forget that this woman went into her first Wendy's at the age of...60? 61? That has to be considered a white-collar crime of sorts.

"I live...up there!"

At some point, I'm going to add to this countdown, because no insane list is complete without Katie Holmes.

We so need to have a caption contest for this madness.


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