Dear Forrester, Eat Me.

Since I have been massively distracted by having to read 500 pages of Tom Jones this week, making me and the Malsta the only people in the world to have finished that behemoth nastiness, I only saw this article today about the state I reluctantly admit to coming from.
For those that don't like when I don't talk about celebrity penile goodness, I apologize. However, this is ridiculous.
Last week was Election Day. I HEART elections. It reminds me of my old Student Council campaigning days when I used to put weird posters with "Bah-ram-ewe" quotes from Babe all over the high school, not so much to win as much as to creep people out. I succeeded beyond all hopes.

Gypped on Oscar night.

This year was deliciously fun, since I had the pleasure of having chats with the two candidates for Upper East Side councilman almost every day, Democrat Dan Garodnick and Republican Patrick Murphy.

This is Patrick Murphy.


This is Dan Garodnick.


Every day for about two months, these gentlemen stood outside my subway stop to shake hands, which is so badass. You know, Kennedy used to do awesome shit like that when he was campaigning for President. He'd just knock on doors and say hello. If Hillary did that, I would fucking KEEL over.

Within a few days, I knew who should be the winner here. One day when it was pouring out, around 6PM, I was totally drenched, walking down 95th. Patrick Murphy was standing there by himself in a little yellow rain slicker handing out fliers. I fell in platonic love. Too bad he's gay. Meh. Dan Garodnick would NEVER do something like that, especially without his posse of cunty people shoving his little posters in my face. And one time, he didn't shake my hand.

Further down in the Upper East Side, this ridiculous waste of life named Jessica Lappin was also campaigning for a council spot. I hated her instantly. I saw her talking on the cell phone while her minions were putting up her posters for her. Self-suffiency? No?

Smarmy little ass.

Of course, nothing ever works out like I want it to. Dan Garodnick slammed Patrick Murphy by about 30 points, though I'm willing to bet that the people that voted for Garodnick never saw my BFF Patrick handing out fliers in the rain. Sigh. And that bitch Lappin won. Seriously, if you want to win an election in this town, just register as a Democrat. You don't even have to campaign. You can just let your army of loyalists do the work for you. When I was campaigning for President in 2020, I went from door-to-door by myself. I am all about the DIY in fictitious elections.

Somewhere in here, I was talking about the New Jersey gubernatorial campaigns. I get off track like nothing else. So the two guys running for governor were Jon Corzine and Doug Forrester. I am a firm believer in the almighty visual.
This is Doug.

Doesn't he look like one of those people that looks exactly how they did when they were four? I have no doubt his preschool pictures are identical to this.

This is Jon.

I think they both look pretty skeezy.

Anyway, Mr. Corzine and I go way back, as I used to see him all the time on the Senate floor when I was learning all of the Senators last year. A big chum of my BFF Hillary Clinton, so you can see which way my loyalties were swinging here.

So there was this nasty nasty campaign, where extramarital affairs were flung back and forth, ex-wives went on TV denouncing their former husbands, it was insanity. Corzine won by nine percentage points, though he lost in my county by about 7 million votes or so. I want to make it clear that that is an exaggeration. There are about 150 people in my county, thus numbers in the millions are statistically impossible. If this was a bovine election, that would be different.

Anyway, Forrester is claiming that he lost the election because Bush is doing so shitty lately. Yeah, it probably doesn't help when the leader of your political party has a 36% approval rating. But come ON. The Republican candidate in Virginia has a legit claim there. Virginia is a red state. New Jersey isn't. You lost because you were the Republican candidate in a blue state, with a Democratic challenger who was a popular Senator. Suck it up. At least you don't look like Horace from Dr. Quinn.



Before I forget, Elliot Stabler and Olivia Benson are going to have hot steamy sex before the end of the year. There was sexual tension in last night's episode, and it's going down during May sweeps. What.


There's a threesome I would be honored to be a part of.