Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Zachary Taylor! Don't Drink that Fetid Water or You'll Shit Yourself to Death!

As a Presidential groupie of sorts, I was shown the most recent rankings of our Presidents, compiled by what appear to be braindead historians with no concept of what it is to be amazingness defined. I am miffed beyond words.
For those of you who lack the strength to click the link, I have provided the list for you.
1 George Washington 4.94
2 Abraham Lincoln 4.67
3 Franklin Roosevelt 4.41
4 Thomas Jefferson 4.23
5 Theodore Roosevelt 4.08
6 Ronald Reagan 4.03
7 Harry Truman 3.95
8 Dwight Eisenhower 3.67
9 James Polk 3.59
10 Andrew Jackson 3.58
11 Woodrow Wilson 3.41
12 Grover Cleveland 3.34
13 John Adams 3.33
14 William McKinley 3.32
15 John Kennedy 3.25
16 James Monroe 3.24
17 James Madison 3.07
18 Lyndon Johnson 3.05
19 George W. Bush 3.01
20 William Taft 2.97
21 George H.W. Bush 2.95
22 Bill Clinton 2.93
23 Calvin Coolidge 2.77
24 Rutherford Hayes 2.73
25 John Quincy Adams 2.66
26 Chester Arthur 2.65
27 Martin Van Buren 2.63
28 Gerald Ford 2.61
29 Ulysses Grant 2.57
30 Benjamin Harrison 2.54
31 Herbert Hoover 2.50
32 Richard Nixon 2.40
33 Zachary Taylor 2.30
34 Jimmy Carter 2.24
35 John Tyler 2.23
36 Millard Fillmore 1.85
37 Andrew Johnson 1.75
38 Franklin Pierce 1.73
39 Warren Harding 1.65
40 James Buchanan 1.31

So much to say. First of all, they refused to include William Henry Harrison or James Garfield because they supposedly weren't around long enough to effectively gauge their performance. Balderdash dot net.

You should be at the BOTTOM of the list, not off of it completely. You didn't put your fucking coat on in Artic weather, and deprived this country of potentially badass leadership. I'm sorry, no. You're a cunt. I don't put my jacket on either, but that's because I have a puffy vest, and I don't have to worry about leading millions of people.

In my estimation, you should be second to last on this list. You at least stuck around for more than 30 days. But damn, what kind of President manages to piss off a deranged maniac like that within a few months? Fact - if you had been giving Charles Guiteau handjobs on the sly, you could have been up there with Jefferson. Jefferson hearts slave poon.

Now, on to the actual list at hand.

Roosevelt was kind of a commie, but he was a cripple. Cripple Commie is an example of alliteration. I have no beefs with the three men at the top.
HOWEVER, why isn't Woodrow Wilson in the near great category? Hell, I would argue for him being in the top spot, he was orgasmic. Yeah, he didn't appear to have a particular fondness for the blacks like Jefferson, and he wasn't about the Jews, but he took the high road and was all 14 Points and idealism and League of Nations. He should not be penalized for Henry Cabot Lodge being a DICKWEED and being all 'Fuck the League of Nations.'

I hope that dick you're sucking tastes good. Clithead.

Um, why is Harry Truman in the near great category? I heart Harry, but he only became President because he was in with the Missouri mobs and FDR was being politically cagey. Hell, the two never even talked before Truman became VP. You can read it in the David McCollough biography. It's orgasmic and it has pictures of Harry from World War I where he looks like Elijah Wood. I'm just mild about

The James Polk thing is a bit peculiar, since the only reason I can think he's up there is for...winning the Mexican War? That dumb war that doesn't get taught in schools because it was a cakewalk and dumb? Ooooh, maybe it was the border dispute with Britain, where America officially got Oregon, aka the end of the Trail. My wagon axel broke and I have cholera.

Why is Clinton in the average category? More importantly, why is Bush ABOVE him? I understand none of this. No matter, Hillary will topple them all.

My final beef, and then I will stop talking. Ulysses S. Grant is in the below average category, ABOVE Nixon. Does that make any sense? Grant was a nasty fuck with a cancerous throat and a drug problem who didn't know how to say no. Like Whitney to Bobby's fist. Or Katie Holmes to a Scientology booklet. Or Pauly Shore to 5,635 movies. Nixon fucking ended a war. Yeah, Watergate, blah blah blah. He made a speech about Checkers the dog. And he had a dirtier mouth than me. People get no respect.

V for vulva.


At 3:23 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hello, I happened across your blog, and I am very intrigued by this entry. You defend Nixon(vastly underappreciated) and Woodrow Wilson(the source of 60% of our problems today. Hegellian historicism? Pure silliness). And the only reason I blame him and not Roosevelt, is because FDR simply carried on WW's legacy. I was wondering, what are your basic political views? Furthermore, Silent Cal may not qualify as great, but with a cut in taxes from around 75% to 25% right after FDR, and the subsequent economic boom, he should definitely be at least "above average."
interested in your thoughts,
with love,


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