Thursday, October 13, 2005

It's Not About Winning, Sebastian. Whoops. Wrong Movie.

I plan on vigilently documenting the monkey until the Angels finally got eliminated. I'm well aware that many people are anti-the blogging of Rally Monkey vitriol, but it tried to kill me. If Sharon Stone tried to kill me, I would post daily updates of her existence until some divine force realized that she committed the heinous crime of attempting to end my life before my Great American Novel "Two Lamborghinis and Antonin Scalia" was published, and she was mutilated. It would apply to anyone.

Thank you for not being like the Rally Monkey.

So last night, the Angels got a metaphorical pole shoved up their ass, when an umpire totally fucked up a call, directly resulting in the winning run for the White Sox. Somewhere, that monkey is ruing the day it came in contact with me.

This week, we are doing a special retrospective on the Golden Age of Disney, which conveniently occurred when my brethren and I were between the ages of 5 and 10. A glorious time to be alive. I got sent to the principal during that time because my teacher - who at one point actually said that left-handed people were mentally challenged - thought my parents were being negligent. I was given the responsibility of packing my own lunch, and I had carefully taken a giant Tupperware container and filled it with Doritos. I was the envy of all. After that, my dad gave me a crustless sandwich and a Nutri-grain bar every day. I usually trade the Nutri-grain bar for one of those Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle apple pies. Glee.

For those of you who were either out of the country between 1989 and 1995, or did not own a television set, there were four movies released by Disney during that time that are absolutely Badass Beyond All Things. If you don't know what they are, you're going to have to be patient while we examine each one individually. Today's movie is The Little Mermaid.

How INCREDIBLE is this movie? It has everything: a giant octopus that looks like Rosie after she mutilated her hair, a fish that looked like me after I mutilated my hair, the studliest human male lead in ANY Disney movie, and at least 4 poop jokes. When the eels are incinerated at the end, and Ursula goes, 'My poor little poopsies," I literally peed myself in the theater. My grandmother was mad embarrassed.

Flotsam, Jetsum, now I've got her boys, the boss is on a roooolllll!

Fucking eels.

If you're going to analyze a Disney movie, you need to include a huge chunk of shizzle to the music. Now, compared to some of the other movies that will be discussed here, The Little Mermaid bites it. The opening track when they take us through the kingdom rocks like nothing else, as does "Part of the World," if only because I orgasm at that fucking treasure trove she's compiled. Some of that shit was just incredible.

Hast mine eyes deceived me? It looks like a dinglehopper! Scuttle, you crazy fuck.

I am definitely going to need Abbi to offer further commentary, because there is so much that needs to be said, and I'm going to forget most of it. I want to do King Triton. If he shaved off the white billowing beard.

Uh. Why are there Japanese subtitles?


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