Tuesday, December 06, 2005

An Interview Gone Wrong: The Jeffrey Grimshaw Debacle.

I have gotten several requests over the past few weeks to interview Jeffrey Grimshaw, a man who helped create me in December of 1983. Against my better nature, I convinced Jeffrey to go online for the first time in five years and submit to questioning.

For better understanding:
MyDadIsAWeenie - E. E. Grimshaw
bellasnodoubt - J
BlueVlvt6 - Jeffrey Grimshaw
QuietAmerican283 - Maximillion Bojangles
BRags753 - Bobbie Ragsdale
HurricainFran - Drunk Erin
Sanock42 - Mikey Sanocki
devilishnyc - Devra Bogangles
Grrrrlvicious - Grrrrlvicious
SweetPie91285 - Inna Rudman
angelfisheyny - Michelle

You have just entered room "jeffreygrimshawbojangles."
bellasnodoubt: what are we doing?
MyDadIsAWeenie: we are interviewing
MyDadIsAWeenie: jeffrey grimshaw
MyDadIsAWeenie: as soon as he figures out how to get in
BlueVlvt6 has entered the room.
MyDadIsAWeenie: this is monumental
MyDadIsAWeenie: like the wolf
QuietAmerican283 has entered the room.
QuietAmerican283: Hi everyone
bellasnodoubt: hi jeffrey
bellasnodoubt: its jocelyn
BlueVlvt6: Hi.
bellasnodoubt: i am honored to meet you jeffrey
BlueVlvt6: Thank you.
bellasnodoubt: jeffrey: can you tell me about the time you went vegan to meet girls?
BlueVlvt6: It never happened. My daughter put a fake profile of me on "Veggiedate.com."
MyDadIsAWeenie: WHAT
MyDadIsAWeenie: this is slander
QuietAmerican283: hahaha
bellasnodoubt: thats a lie, you moby inpersonator
MyDadIsAWeenie: you fucking took that profile
MyDadIsAWeenie: and put your own pictures on it
MyDadIsAWeenie: and communicated with the vegans on that site
MyDadIsAWeenie: so don't even
BlueVlvt6: I did later remove the insane false information and put up pictures, true.
BRags753: I would like to know why Emma is currently petrified of cacti...
HurricainFran has entered the room
BlueVlvt6: Is this the Erin who busted one of the panes in my French doors when you broke into my apartment through the basement?
MyDadIsAWeenie: different erin.
HurricainFran: Hahahhahha I wish I was that Erin
bellasnodoubt: how do you feel about your wife being married to a man whose name sounds like pedifile?
Sanock42: Wouldn't it be ex-wife?
bellasnodoubt: yes his ex-wife
bellasnodoubt: answer my q jeffrey
bellasnodoubt: dont blue ball me
BlueVlvt6: As far as I know, my ex-wife is still married to Dimitri Kulek.
HurricainFran: Jeffrey, do you prefer Sissy Spacek or Ashlee Simpson?
BlueVlvt6: Sissy if we're talking like 1976.
HurricainFran: If we're talkin 1976, Ashlee's not born yet. We're talkin today
MyDadIsAWeenie: jeffrey, you need to learn to answer questions in a prompt fashion
bellasnodoubt: seriously jeffrey
BlueVlvt6: What question?
HurricainFran: Did you only have one child because Emma's such a crazy?
BlueVlvt6: Yeah, pretty much.
MyDadIsAWeenie: asshole
bellasnodoubt: leave emma alone jeffrey
HurricainFran: Why is Jocelyn sucking up to Emma?
devilishnyc: yeah.
BlueVlvt6: We were afraid she'd set any further babies on fire.
bellasnodoubt: LOL
bellasnodoubt: LOL
bellasnodoubt: LOL
devilishnyc: HAHAH
bellasnodoubt: LOL
MyDadIsAWeenie: you are such a cunt
bellasnodoubt: tell us about the time emma got her first period and how that made you feel
devilishnyc: OOo
HurricainFran: I hate period questions
devilishnyc: me too
QuietAmerican283: christ, jocelyn you have no shame
BlueVlvt6: I don't know about "first" period, but the one where she soaked my sheets with blood so it looked like an Al Qieda execution cell was pretty memorable.
QuietAmerican283: hahahahaha
bellasnodoubt: gross
BRags753: heh
MyDadIsAWeenie: that never happened
devilishnyc: HAHA emma PADS WITH WINGS!
BlueVlvt6: I had to throw out the frigging BOX SPRING, Emma.
bellasnodoubt: jeffrey did you ever question your sexuality?
BlueVlvt6: Nah.
bellasnodoubt: have you ever kissed a guy?
BlueVlvt6: Only on stage.
bellasnodoubt: my arse
HurricainFran: Its okay if you haven't, Jeffrey, neither has Jocelyn
QuietAmerican283: emma why are you always bleeding on stuff
MyDadIsAWeenie: what else have i bled on
QuietAmerican283: um, the blanket that you still use
QuietAmerican283: which still has blood on it
MyDadIsAWeenie: can we discuss your similarity to moby
BlueVlvt6: We're dead ringers from the ears up.
HurricainFran: and from the belt down?
MyDadIsAWeenie: EW
devilishnyc: ew
bellasnodoubt: you have herpes too?
BlueVlvt6: No idea.
MyDadIsAWeenie: since when does moby have herpes
bellasnodoubt: thats what i heard
HurricainFran: Jocelyn gave them to him
bellasnodoubt: fuck you erin
bellasnodoubt: this slander is ridic
devilishnyc: i gave the herpes to jocelyn
devilishnyc: maxi gave them to me
bellasnodoubt: and kunal gave them to him
devilishnyc: it is a chain of people who know emma who slept with each other
devilishnyc: or put open cold sore to orifice
HurricainFran: ok, my roommate and I have to go write a sequel to Herbie, about a shopping cart with tourettes who also rapes people
MyDadIsAWeenie: you never answered brags question
MyDadIsAWeenie: from forever ago
BRags753: indeed
devilishnyc: is brags here?
BlueVlvt6: Which one?
BRags753: Why is Emma afraid of cacti
BlueVlvt6: The cactus thing is new to me. I know she's a little leery of my Chia Pet.
MyDadIsAWeenie: WHAT
MyDadIsAWeenie: there's nothing GROWING from your chia pet
devilishnyc: what kind of chia pet do you have
BlueVlvt6: Chia Hippo.
devilishnyc: is it elmer fudd or like a
devilishnyc: oh
MyDadIsAWeenie: brags is referring to the time you neglected me
MyDadIsAWeenie: and i fell in the cacti
BlueVlvt6: Oh. Well, the jury is still out on the "fell" part.
BlueVlvt6: It appeared to most observers you just sort of parked yourself in a cactus patch.
devilishnyc: uh, can jeffrey grimshaw actually BE a bojangles, emma?
QuietAmerican283: yeah that would mean that I'm related to him somehow
BlueVlvt6: No, I can't be a bojangles.
devilishnyc: i am not a bojangles
devilishnyc: I AM A BOGANGLE
GrrrrlVicious has entered the room.
GrrrrlVicious: hello.
devilishnyc: grrrrlvicious IS here!
SweeT Pie91285 has entered the room.
MyDadIsAWeenie: inna is here
MyDadIsAWeenie: for a cameo appearance, but she has to go study and shizzle
SweeT Pie91285: Hello...
BlueVlvt6: Hi, Inna.
SweeT Pie91285 has left the room.
MyDadIsAWeenie: jeffrey, how come in my baby book
MyDadIsAWeenie: under possible baby names
MyDadIsAWeenie: mom has stuff like james, emma, cornelia
MyDadIsAWeenie: and you have charlie and mr. beef
MyDadIsAWeenie: i want to know why you didn't love the foetus growing in your wife's uterus
MyDadIsAWeenie: and wanted to give it bad names
BlueVlvt6: I wanted to give it good names but I was overruled.
GrrrrlVicious: that's awesome. I want to name my first kid Mr. beef.
BlueVlvt6: But you'll always be "Mr. Beef" to me.
devilishnyc: that is the most endearing thing i have ever heard!
MyDadIsAWeenie: can we talk about how you used to have to pee and shit on the side of the road
BlueVlvt6: True.
BlueVlvt6: I have one of those cars without a bathroom.
MyDadIsAWeenie: remember the time
MyDadIsAWeenie: you had to shit on route 12
MyDadIsAWeenie: and mom put the hazard lights
MyDadIsAWeenie: on
MyDadIsAWeenie: so every other second we could see you shitting
devilishnyc: HAHAHAH
BlueVlvt6: I recall it as kind of a strobe effect, myself.
devilishnyc: like a rave
devilishnyc: but fun
devilishnyc: i would go to that rave
MyDadIsAWeenie: okay jeffrey, what are your thoughts about winona
MyDadIsAWeenie: and how society cruelly treated her
BlueVlvt6: I thought whatever Alien movie she was in was a tad too gross for me.
QuietAmerican283: hahaha, that movie sucked balls
angelfisheyny has entered the room.
angelfisheyny: i feel like i'm watching a preshow on e! with all your away message celebrities together in one place
MyDadIsAWeenie: is kathy griffin there
MyDadIsAWeenie: lying about dakota fanning
angelfisheyny: yes.
angelfisheyny: she is.
QuietAmerican283: and joan rivers talking about having to go douche
devilishnyc: hahah
devilishnyc: wow
MyDadIsAWeenie: did joan really do that
QuietAmerican283: yeah, couple years ago
devilishnyc: did you douche joan rivers or did she douche you?
angelfisheyny: i doubt she can lean her face far enough over to douche; the skin would tear
angelfisheyny: i guess she could do it by feeling.
MyDadIsAWeenie: why would your face need to be...involved
angelfisheyny: i like to see what i put in my vagina
MyDadIsAWeenie: OH JESUS
QuietAmerican283: yeah I'm sorry I sparked this discussion now
angelfisheyny: i feel like jocelyn.
devilishnyc: let's note that in the entire discourse of this chatroom i have not metioned the vital part of the female anatomy.
devilishnyc: but michelle has.
angelfisheyny: hey, maximillion brought up douching
QuietAmerican283: that's only indirectly related to vaginas though
angelfisheyny: uhh what else do you douche
QuietAmerican283: douche can mean many things
QuietAmerican283: Sylvia comes to mind
MyDadIsAWeenie: hey "father"
BlueVlvt6: What?
MyDadIsAWeenie: remember when i broke the pink dildo in the street
devilishnyc: EW
angelfisheyny: okay, i'm going to skip over the "pink dildo" commentary entirely, and skip to, why did you take it into the street?
MyDadIsAWeenie: i was scaring the kids in my neighborhood
BlueVlvt6: She was pretty good at that.
angelfisheyny: god i wish i lived in your neighborhood
BlueVlvt6: When she was three, she and I were walking into town...
MyDadIsAWeenie: NO
MyDadIsAWeenie: NO NO NO
angelfisheyny: go go go!
devilishnyc: did you tell an old woman she looked like ethel merman cause my mom did that ... and she yelled at her and my mom cried?
BlueVlvt6: ...And passed a lawn where some high school girls were practicing cheerleading...
BlueVlvt6: Well, okay, I don't want to embarrass you.
angelfisheyny: aaaah go go!
devilishnyc: NO
angelfisheyny: do it!
devilishnyc: GO
devilishnyc: GO
QuietAmerican283: tell it!
devilishnyc: GO
devilishnyc: GO
MyDadIsAWeenie: just for the record
MyDadIsAWeenie: i'm no longer friends with any of you
BlueVlvt6: ...and she lifted up her little shirt and announced...
BlueVlvt6: "I have nipples!"
devilishnyc: HA
angelfisheyny: HAHAHAHHAHA
BRags753: hahahahahaha
QuietAmerican283: amazing
MyDadIsAWeenie: i don't think that happened.
angelfisheyny: it still does.
MyDadIsAWeenie: WHAT
angelfisheyny: okay, kunal is 389239802 times more vulnerable than a flock of cheerleaders
angelfisheyny: so i'll say it's worse.
QuietAmerican283: poor kunal
MyDadIsAWeenie: i was only three
angelfisheyny: i used to run around naked with my undershirt on my head when i was three.
MyDadIsAWeenie: jeffrey
MyDadIsAWeenie: closing comments
BlueVlvt6: This is tough when everybody's looking at you.
MyDadIsAWeenie: everybody was looking at you when you talked about my nipples and blood
MyDadIsAWeenie: you were okay then
BlueVlvt6: I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to tell the really embarrassing Emma stories.
BlueVlvt6: Actually, I think when I was telling that story...
BlueVlvt6: They were looking at you.
MyDadIsAWeenie: there are no other embarrassing stories
BlueVlvt6: I'm at something of a loss...
BlueVlvt6: to think of an UNembarrassing Emma story...
BlueVlvt6: ...but hey.
MyDadIsAWeenie: you're ALL talk
BlueVlvt6: Well, good thing this is a chat room, then.
QuietAmerican283: Oh!
QuietAmerican283: Snap
QuietAmerican283: speaking of which, house isn't on tonight and that's REALLY upsetting
QuietAmerican283: Jeffrey how do you feel about house
BlueVlvt6: I haven't actually seen any episodes all the way through...
QuietAmerican283: that's a shame
BlueVlvt6: But my friend Steve Heth writes for it sometimes, so it's probably okay.
QuietAmerican283: you're missing amazingness
MyDadIsAWeenie: his gimpyness is orgasmic
QuietAmerican283: emma thinks I should develop a limp when i become a doctor
QuietAmerican283: even if I have to fake it
BlueVlvt6: Emma has a lot of really good ideas like that.
MyDadIsAWeenie: what is that supposed to mean
BlueVlvt6: They're all just GREAT ideas.
MyDadIsAWeenie: you're being sarcastic, but i'm going to pretend you're not
MyDadIsAWeenie: because they ARE all great
BlueVlvt6: That's my Mr. Beef!

It should be noted that about 75% of the conversation that took place here made absolutely no sense once taken out of context, so I'm doing the world an enormous favor in excluding it.


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