Monday, August 07, 2006

Even Though I Only Have Basic Cable Because I Know What Would Happen If Given Access to TCM, I Can Stare at David Wright Until 2012.

The New York Mets have made up for October 19, 1999, when they forced me to stay up until 1 AM on a school night (before I had developed the tenacity and badassness that now allows me to operate on virtually no sleep), only to watch Kenny Rogers throw a 3-1 pitch to Andruw Jones' head with the bases loaded. They signed David Wright to a 6-year, $55 million contract extension, days after locking up Jose Reyes to a 4-year deal. Word fucking up.

You are sex. You are sex in blue and orange.

Remember when you were hot and hit a grand slam against Looby's team?
I cannot handle.
I'm having about 20 parties in October during the postseason. Everyone except Morgan is invited.

There has been a massive tragedy on the Meow Mix House. No no, Olivia is still on it, but my other favorite, Opry, has been cast out and is now back in Nashville. Since I don't think my cat is really Meow Mix box material, my money is now on Ellis, a long-haired cat from Portland, Oregon who reminds me of Jake Gyllenhaal. I have no idea why. It's not like the Marcia Gay Harden dog, where there was obviously an uncanny resemblance. It's just an unsubstantiated vibe.
This is Opry:

This is Ellis:

Watch, it's going to end up being that douchy cat from Miami.

In other news, I have taken it upon myself to construct a list of the movies that should have won Best Picture from 1984 till now.

1984 - Yentl.
Because Barbra is mad funny when she dresses in drag in a non-flamboyant, Jewish boy way. What actually won that year: Terms of Endearment.

I just OD'd on fro.
1985 - Ghostbusters.
Purely out of homage to Ecto Cooler, the greatest drink of my pre-pubescent years. What actually won: Amadeus.

I've just decided to award Rick Moranis Best Supporting Actor for both Ghostbusters, beating out Haing S. Ngor for The Killing Fields and - whoa. Shit. Sorry, not the second one, that's Denzel in Glory, who for some reason is absolutely hunkified man when his head is shaved, but gets uglier and uglier as his hair grows.

There has never been another instance in history where a guy cried in a movie and you didn't feel like screeching, "Emo!"
1986 - Mask.
Fucking incredible. DB Bogangles has literally cleaned up the vomit of the cat owned by the director of this masterpiece. Best Actress nod for Cher, beating out Geraldine Page (who?), and Best Supporting Actress for Laura Dern as the only person who could find Eric Stoltz attractive because she was blind (beating out Cher-lookalike Angelica Huston). What actually won: Out of Africa.

My grandmother dismissed Cher's performance, claiming it was "easy to play yourself."
1987 - Little Shop of Horrors.
There's a giant alien plant. And it eats people. I think it would be wise to give Rick Moranis another Oscar. Sorry, Paul Newman. The Color of Money is horrible, and anyone looks Oscar caliber next to Tom Cruise. What actually won: Platoon.

He looks like the guy Rita Wilson marries in Now and Then.
1988 - Predator.
Arnold Schwarzenegger has NEVER been hotter. It's Austrian sex in the Columbian jungle, with Jesse Ventura getting gutted by an alien. <3. What actually won: The Last Emperor.

1989 - Beaches.
This should win Best Picture every fucking year. What greatness. In freshman year, one of my RAs ran into my room because I was crying so hard. God. Blossom playing the young Bette Midler is the greatest casting decision since someone hired Winona for Lucas in 1986. Although Bette brings it, this is the year of Jodie Foster rape trauma, so we will leave that be. What actually won: Rain Man.

I would shit if I got to play gin at a beach house with Bette.
1990 - Glory.
This didn't even get NOMINATED. What were they thinking? As if we haven't seen Morgan Freeman driving white ladies around before. Even Matthew Broderick is almost convincing, and Cary Elwes delivers his best performance this side of Twister. What actually won: Driving Miss Daisy.

1991 - Total Recall.
There's a girl with three tits at a Martian whorehouse. There's a steamy sex romp with Arnold and Sharon Stone. The only thing this movie doesn't have is a Newsie.

Typing with one hand. Heh. Kidding...maybe.
What actually won: Dancing With Wolves.

You can't tell me that's not hot. (Disclaimer: this is not a scene from Total Recall.)
1992 - Terminator 2.
This needs to be reiterated over and over - this is not an action movie. This is a violent movie about human nature and man's inability to rise above his shortcomings. Arnold should have won for Best Actor and Edward Furlong should have won for Best Supporting Actor because Jack Palance only won because he was still alive. Linda Hamilton should have at least been nominated, though I don't think I can even believe she was worthy enough to dethrone the Jodie Foster Lamb Juggernaut. What actually won: The Silence of the Lambs.

"You got that? You just can't go around killing people!"
"What do you mean why? Cause you can't!"
"Because you just can't, okay? Trust me on this."
1993 - The Last of the Mohicans.
Stellar. If you can get past the hatchets being winged into peoples' heads and the fact that everyone in the 1750s probably had b.o., you're looking at a badass movie. It also has the best non-Disney soundtrack ever. What actually won: Unforgiven aka another Morgan Freeman movie.

It looks like Rivendell behind them.
1994 - I'm still allowing Schindler's List to win, but Winona wins Best Supporting Actress for The Age of Innocence, rightfully supplanting Anna Paquin, who spent the entire five hours of The Piano screaming, "Holly Hunter, will you please fucking say something? P.S. There are better ways to acquire a piano than sleeping with Harvey Kietel."

Fly away home, you dumb, dumb cunt.
1995 - The Shawshank Redemption.
You know I'm a sucker for those Presidential cameos in Forrest Gump, but come on. I am so sick of that movie, and it gets cheesier and more antiquated as the years go on. Shawshank is timeless. For some reason, Morgan Freeman got nominated, but Tim Robbins didn't. I'm really confused, but Tom Hanks wins it for cumming in Robin Wright Penn's roommate's towel. What actually won: Forrest Gump.

"Pleased to meet you, Mr. Gump." Remember when Haley Joel was IT?
1996 - Babe.
INCREDIBLE. It blows everything else out of the water. If Babe hadn't been played by 30 different pigs, I would be campaigning for porcine nomination goodness. What actually won: Braveheart.

"Go back to England and tell 'em I hate Jews!"
1997 - The English Patient still wins, only because I don't think I'll be able to convince anyone that Up Close and Personal was better. Even though it was.

Last movie before Robert Redford was completely KO'd by his massive wrinkles.
1998 - Titanic is also still allowed to win, if only because the hand on the foggy window is the most oft-copied gesture of the 1990s. However, Winona is nominated and wins for The Crucible because, you know what? Helen Hunt has only been good in one movie, and it wasn't when she wanted to bone Jack "I am Legit Composed of Only Baggy Nasty Skin" Nicholson.

Only Helen Hunt could make a grasshopper beret look amazing.
1999 - American History X.
This is partly out of support for Winona, because I believe she would have won Best Actress if Gwyneth the cunt hadn't stolen her Shakespeare in Love script, but American History X is also the better movie and should have handily secured wins for both Edward Norton and Edward Furlong. Does anyone even remember James Coburn winning an Oscar this year? Exactly.

Ed also wins for Best Temporarily Hot Racist Body, beating out Mel Gibson because Mel is not hot.
2000 - It's still American Beauty, but Winona wins Best Actress for Girl, Interrupted, beating out Hilary Swank shoving a tampon up her cooter and sucking on Chloe Sevigny's weird looking boob.

2001 & 2002 - I have absolutely no problem with Gladiator and A Beautiful Mind winning. They're both amazing movies helmed by the greatest Aussie actor ever. Oy vey, Mel Gibson.

Dear Russell, you make me wish I majored in math .
2003 - Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers.
Far and away the best of the LOTR trilogy, primarily because it all but ignores the goofy hobbit shit things and concentrates on man's ability to defeat pure evil. I'm very much all about that. Since Adrian Brody is a giant douche, I hereby declare that Gollum wins Best Actor. What actually won: Chicago.

Kind of looks like Adrian Brody, nonetheless. Hmm.
2004 & 2005 - I have a few issues with the third installment of Lord of the Rings, specifically that it should have immediately ended when Viggo Mortensen said, "You bow down to NO ONE," but it was better than anything else that year, and Million Dollar Baby was beyond badass. Remember when Hilary Swank is wolfing down the cow in her cramped little apartment? And then after she wins the Oscar, she goes to eat another cow? My hero. <3. Oh, and Natalie Portman beats Cate Cunt Blanchett for Best Supporting Actress.

Better than a mimicing Katherine Hepburn shitfest any day.
2006 - BROKEBACK. Crash only won because Hollywood didn't want to seem overtly pro-gay this year. Even though Brokeback is more about two shirts woven within each other than anal penetration, but does anyone listen to me? Noooo. And Michelle Williams wins for telling Heath not to impregnate her until he can support the fetus. Go Jen Lindley. Eric Bana also gets a nomination, because he was spurned like the wolf.


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