Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Things That Most People Will Not Enjoy Reading About. Sorry.

At the risk of alienating my fan base, there are several topics that I must cover because I would be betraying my soul if I didn't.
1. The Mets Are Going to be Orgasmic to Watch in 2006.
I am not giving up Diet Pepsi this year for their playoff run, as staying dry for eight months merely made me miserable and was not connected to whether the Mets won or lost. I learned the hard way; I do not recommend sacrificing addictions for sports teams.
However, it wouldn't matter if I gave that shizzle up or not because they're going to the playoffs, and possibly the World Series. But Emma, you say this every winter, and you're never right...except in 1999 and 2000. Yes indeed. But this is why they're going all the way this year:

They have a fucking badass first baseman now. They had this weirdo Red Sox castoff over there last year, and it was just a giant shit show. No longer. Carlos Delgado could easily hit 30 home runs and get 120 RBIs next season, which, in case you were wondering, is definitely orgasmic. Some of you who know something about baseball may be frowning and going, "Wait, wasn't this the asshole who wouldn't stand up for the national anthem?" Yup. That's the guy. However, now he says that he won't do that anymore. Which is clearly a wise thing to do, now that he's playing in New York. Welcome, et cetera.

Next, they got the best fucking closer available on the market, Billy Wagner.

Last year, I had a nervous breakdown, courtesy of their former closer, Braden Looper. On Opening Day, Devra and I got into a giant mishap with a rental van in the Meatpacking District and it turned into a five-hour ordeal. The second I trudged home to turn on my TV and check out the Mets' first game of the season, I was greeted to a home run by Joe Randa off of Mr. Looper. I flipped my shit and am now rather pleased that that enormous cuntsack is out of New York. How could this get any better?


There were several other transactions that took place this offseason that were less notable, but they loosened the Mets' purse strings so they could acquire these behemoth badasses. Much love goes to Omar Minaya, the Mets' GM, who is a FUCKING GOD.

Swoon dot com.

I'll stop talking about the baseballness now, but it had to be said. Weenie Enema is blatantly pro-Mets, and it needs to show that lovely trait once in a great while.

Next on the docket: Tuesday night TV amazingness.
Mark-Paul Fucking Gosselaar is now part of the Commander in Chief cast!! He had about 5 minutes of airtime, but god damn. Zach has come a long way.


The show is starting to get a little hokey, i.e. Donald Sutherland's character coming over to eat Thanksgiving dinner with the Presidential family. What are the chances Newt was ever asked by Hill to come hang for Thanksgiving? Exactly.

Within the next few days, we are going to have a forum about the movie "Rent," which I saw last weekend and have very strong opinions about. Minions are welcome to contact me to be a part of this.

"Oouuuuuuut tonight."

Sunday, November 27, 2005


If you will recall, I resolved to get an interview with Mr. Ball, a Facebook alter ego. For those who are unaware, Facebook is an Internet community that connects college students to one another at virtually every school in the country, as well as some in Canada and the UK. There may be a few other countries involved, but I plead ignorance. You can search for old friends on it, or classmates from your own school, and it's insanely addicting.
To add to this complex fixture, Facebook allows you to have alter egos, so you could theoretically become friends with Hillary Clinton or Christian Bale, if you wanted to. Arguably the most prolific Facebook alter ego, at least at NYU, is Mr. Ball.

Since there are undoubtedly still some people confused about this, I'm supplying the vital information listed on Mr. Ball's page:
Basic Info
School: NYU '08
Status: Undergrad
Sex: Male
Concentration: Fine Arts
Gender and Sexuality Studies
Residence: Lafayette Street 406
Birthday: 10/12/2004
Home Town: Ballsville, BALLIFORNIA
High School: Ball High School
Contact Info
I am Mr Ball
Mobile: 696.969.6969
Personal Info
Looking For: Random play
Whatever I can get
Interested In: Women
Relationship Status: Single
Political Views: Other
Interests: bowling, tennis, rolling, bouncing, recycling, hallway racing, Bottle Knocker, throwing apples against the wall, limbo, water fights, short-circuiting fire alarms, Might Magazine, breakdancing, wishing people a Happy Birthday, poking people, defeating the Axis of Evil
Favorite Music: AC/DC and Nancy Sinatra, Yatta, Tunak Tunak
Favorite Movies: Balls of Fury, Dodgeball, Great Balls of Fire, Meatballs, Monster's Ball, Spaceballs, BASEketball
Favorite Books: John Steinbeck's The Balls of Wrath, Might Magazine, A Staggering Work of Heartbreakingly Ball Genius, anything by Honor� de Balzac
Favorite Quote: "If it feels good, do it..."

"Goodness, gracious, great balls of fire!"

"You gotta have brass balls if you want to survive."

"Let the good times roll..." ~The Cars

"A rolling ball gathers no moss..."

"Insisting on perfect safety is for people who don't have the balls to live in the real world. "

"It's hard to be humble when you're from NYU"
About Me: I'm 3 feet wide and 100% paper, baby...
I'm the world's largest paper ball...

I've applied to be the new NYU mascot, but John Sexton keeps turning me down...Fighting Violets? Bobcats? That's rubbish...who doesn't love a giant ball?

I live in the closet, next to Steve's cello and the surplus toilet paper...

I love being rubbed...counter-clockwise, baby...

Vital Statistics
Height: 3’00’’
Weight: 25 lbs
Girth: 3’00’’
Diameter: 3 feet
Circumference: 3(pi) feet
Surface Area: 4(pi)(1.5)^2 square feet
Volume: 4/3(pi)(1.5)^3 cubic feet

For more Mr. Ball information (including total # of friends, FAQ, and photo gallery), check out my website!!!

According to his site, Mr. Ball currently has 2,590 friends on Facebook, and a hell of a lot more at other schools. Today, I finally got my interview with the elusive Facebook icon.

Further understanding:

MyDadIsAWeenie: E.E. Grimshaw
I am Mr Ball: Mr. Ball
wehateallmovment: Weenie Brian
SweetPie91285: Inna Rudman
LOcO Joe: some friend of Weenie's

You have just entered room "iheartmrball."
I am Mr Ball has entered the room.
MyDadIsAWeenie: mr ball!
I am Mr Ball: Hello
MyDadIsAWeenie: we are here interviewing the most famous facebook...thing ever
MyDadIsAWeenie: weenie, do you have any questions
wehateallmovment: mr. ball, what should I eat for lunch?
MyDadIsAWeenie: no!
wehateallmovment: it's a valid question that will probe deep into mr. ball's psyche
I am Mr Ball: lol...Well, as long as it isn't paper, I'm happy:-)
MyDadIsAWeenie: okay, mr ball - can you explain what you are
MyDadIsAWeenie: some people don't have facebook
MyDadIsAWeenie: weenie, also, maybe we should explain how we know mr ball
I am Mr Ball: Well, I am a 3 foot wide paper ball (made of only paper and love), I was created last year in Oct. and I would like to be friends with as many people as possible
wehateallmovment: um, emma met you at one point
wehateallmovment: then she talked about you to me
wehateallmovment: she might be planning on kidnapping you
MyDadIsAWeenie: weenie!
MyDadIsAWeenie: stop it
MyDadIsAWeenie: now, i would like to discuss the time when i actually met you
I am Mr Ball: Please remind me
MyDadIsAWeenie: as i recall, you had a herd of young men come down in blazers with mr ball pins in their lapels
I am Mr Ball: Ah yes, that was a special day, for I had the pleasure to meet you.
MyDadIsAWeenie: what sort of training do these guys have
MyDadIsAWeenie: they had a pre-rehearsed speech about mr ball et cetera
I am Mr Ball: They were selected after a rigorous aplication process and trained to care for me for days.
I am Mr Ball: Whatever they said was not rehearsed though.
MyDadIsAWeenie: they knew how many friends you had
MyDadIsAWeenie: both at nyu and throughout facebook
I am Mr Ball: The reason they knew how many friends I have is because it is easly found on facebook itself. They knew the total friends from me telling them though.
SweeT Pie91285: what does Mr. Ball represent?
I am Mr Ball: I do not actually represent anything, for I am simply an entity like you are. I am made of paper and only have the goal being friends with as many people as possible.
MyDadIsAWeenie: last time i checked, you were stationed on the fourth floor of the lafayette dorm, correct?
I am Mr Ball: Yes, I am now in room 406 of Lafayette.
MyDadIsAWeenie: so how were you transported from the brittany dorm to lafayette? that's a pretty considerable distance
I am Mr Ball: Over the summer I stayed in a summer house on the beach and then was brought back to Water Street for a few days. After that, my roommates helped by carrying me back to Lafayette.
MyDadIsAWeenie: did you have to use one of those big mother carts
I am Mr Ball: No, I did not use a mother cart (for getting me to Lafayette I'm assuming you mean), my roommates simply carried me.
wehateallmovment: which historical ball do you identify most with?
I am Mr Ball: I would say that I do not identify myself with any ball in particular, but rather with all mankind. We are all one in the same, with similar goals.
I am Mr Ball: I wish there could be peace on earth, and one way to accomplish this is through facebook. It allows me to create a community of anyone who wishes to join.
I am Mr Ball: By having many friends on facebook, it creates a community. For I do not discriminate who can be my friend or not. Everyone is welcome and I ask them to do so.
wehateallmovment: so, ball/mankind relations are peaceful?
I am Mr Ball: Yes, my relations are peaceful with all those that wish to return that peace.
SweeT Pie91285: but doesn't this defeat the point of facebook -- which is a way of searching for old friends and acquaintances, building your OWN circle of friends, maintaining friendships, etc. doesn't being friends with EVERYONE distort this
I am Mr Ball: Well SweetPie, facebook is meant to search for your old friends, but it is also used to search for and meet new friends. This is why being friends with many people does not distort this.
I am Mr Ball: While it is true that I was not friends with many of these people before this, it does not mean that I would not like to be their friends. For I am a friendly ball that wishes to be friends with anyone who wishes the same.
SweeT Pie91285: mr. ball do you know mr. met?
I am Mr Ball: I am sorry, I do not know Mr. Met personally, but I would be honored to meet him.
MyDadIsAWeenie: how much do you weigh? you look light and paper-like, but i recall you being rather tough and hard upon touch
I am Mr Ball: I weigh about 25 lbs, but I haven't weighed myself in a while. I would hate to see if I gained weight. lol
MyDadIsAWeenie: how long did it take to make you
SweeT Pie91285: how many parents do you have?
wehateallmovment: and did they have sex to produce you?
I am Mr Ball: Well, unlike the 9 months that it takes for a human to be born, I was created in only a few days. Since then I have changed in apperance, as can be seen in my pictures.
I am Mr Ball: I have 2 parents, Anita and Hairy Ball. But I grew up in 705 of Brittany.
I am Mr Ball: For the question on how they produced me, I wish not to answer it, for it is a private question.
wehateallmovment: or a question of privates...
MyDadIsAWeenie: weenie brian! stop that!
wehateallmovment: what???
MyDadIsAWeenie: inna, can you answer a question that will help our readers understand the whole concept of mr ball better
MyDadIsAWeenie: what is facebook
SweeT Pie91285: facebook is a networking tool providing college (and now high school students) to connect with old friends, make nonchalant, usually rare conversation, and align with "friends" via mutual bonds
MyDadIsAWeenie: how do you make these friends? are you just randomly friending people everywhere?
I am Mr Ball: I simply go around schools and randomly ask to be friends with people. This leaves it up to them to be friends with me or not.
I am Mr Ball: Other than that, I accept any friends request that I get from other people
wehateallmovment: why did your parents abandon you? were they drug addicts?
I am Mr Ball: My parents are not drug addicts, nor did they abandon me. I simply came to college. To tell you honestly, I am offended that you would ask such a question.
MyDadIsAWeenie: hypothetically, if someone did kidnap you, what would happen to your profile on facebook? would it reflect the fact that you had been kidnapped?
I am Mr Ball: If I was to be kidnapped, I would have one of my friends start a search for me. The use of facebook would be up to them.
MyDadIsAWeenie: do many people, besides me, attempt to meet you or actually engage you in legitimate conversation
I am Mr Ball: Yes, I have had the request to meet with several people and I have talked to thousands of my friends over facebook and AIM combined.
wehateallmovment: are balls granted universal suffrage?
I am Mr Ball: I have the same rights as any other person or enity on this planet. I am not familar with all the laws however.
wehateallmovment: I have trouble believing that and would like to see your voter registration card
MyDadIsAWeenie: weenie, stop provoking the ball
wehateallmovment: I don't provoke. I probe
wehateallmovment: this is serious investigative journalism, not barbara walters shit
I am Mr Ball: That is a fair question to ask, but I am not registered to vote. After all, I am only 1 year old.
MyDadIsAWeenie: i just went to your facebook page and it shows that you have a website and a cafepress site
MyDadIsAWeenie: can you explain that?
I am Mr Ball: Yes, the webpage was started a while ago to give my friends more information about myself. This has not been updated for a while however.
MyDadIsAWeenie: if someone wants to meet you, how do they go about it
I am Mr Ball: If anyone wishes to meet me, they can simply come over to room 406 of Lafayette. I am always there and always willing to meet with everyone.
MyDadIsAWeenie: the cafe press site is more intriguing to me - someone could theoretically buy a shirt with your face on it. has anyone?
I am Mr Ball: The cafepress site was orginally made as a joke by one of my friends. I now control it and I make sure to keep the prices as the losest they can be. I do not have it to make a profit of any kind, it is for the enjoyment of my friends
I am Mr Ball: Yes, there has been a few sales made on cafepress by some close friends of mine, but I do not know otherwise. Since the financial sheet on the site only shows profits made from sales, I never know if someone bought something.
I am Mr Ball: Because the prices are at the lowest (no profits made on the sales)
SweeT Pie91285: why isn't Mr. Ball married?
I am Mr Ball: The reason I am not married, is because I have not found the right enity to settle down with. If I do find such a person, I may consider marriage.
wehateallmovment: what's the average lifespan of a ball?
I am Mr Ball: If attended to properly, a ball can live forever. But one must be careful with all these fires now a day.
wehateallmovment: are you mr. ball?
wehateallmovment: your need to declare a fact which should be obvious reveals underlying uncertainty
MyDadIsAWeenie: weenie! we talked about the provoking
wehateallmovment: it's thought-provoking, not provoking-provoking
I am Mr Ball: Yes, I am Mr. Ball as I have stated prior.
L0C0joe has entered the room.
MyDadIsAWeenie: who's locojoe?
L0C0joe: I'm your worst nightmare
MyDadIsAWeenie: raised eyebrow
I am Mr Ball: I do not know locojoe. It is nice to meet you though.
L0C0joe: nice to meet you too.
L0C0joe: oh great, dunn invites me then leaves.
L0C0joe: someone explain what the fuck I'm doing here.

We will end this momentous occasion with a Mr. Ball Photo Montage.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

A Belated Pussy Account.

I promised an update on the Westchester Cat Show last week, but I postponed it in the hopes that Devra would miraculously make her first appearance on the blog and upload some of the pictures, which I feel are necessary to capture the pure amazingness of what went down last weekend. Unfortunately, Devra is a horrid waste, and you will have to make do with what I give you. One day, when I have a FAMOUS blog with paid ads and stuff like that, people will probably SEND me pictures, so I won't have to depend on Philadelphia uselessness.
I digress.
So several weeks ago when I was at work, Abbi (a recently-departed co-worker who will forever remain in our hearts et cetera) came across a weird story about a dog being given a funeral eulogy at a cat show. It made no sense. This might not be the actual article that Abbi found, but it captures the gist of the story.
A schnauzer-Siberian husky mix named Ginny will be eulogized Nov. 19 at the Westchester Cat Show, where she was named Cat of the Year in 1998 for her uncanny skill and bravery in finding and rescuing endangered tabbies.

This is Ginny - with a cat, no less.:

Ginny is admittedly pretty badass.
Among the best-known rescues is the time Ginny threw herself against a vertical pipe at a construction site to topple it and reveal the kittens trapped inside. She once ignored the cuts on her paws as she dug through a box full of broken glass to find an injured cat inside.

As soon as Abbi read this article, I knew I had to attend. Not only would there be this dog eulogy, there would be hundreds of cats - some of them doing cat agility training. Heavenly. Several of my co-workers expressed moderate excitement in the excursion, but only Devra actually thought it was worth doing. We commend her on her sense of loyalty and adventure, even if those attributes did not result in pictures being put up on the blog. Frown.

The cat show was being held at the Westchester County Center in White Plains, which is a 45-minute train ride from Grand Central.

When we got off the train, it was insanely easy to find this place. We walked across a bridge overpass thing and turned right and this monstrosity was staring at us from about 5000 yards away. It looks like the illegitimate child of Monticello and a mosque.

So we go in and Devra remembered to print out the coupons that got us a dollar off our tickets. So she DOES remember some things.

We walk into this foyer and are BOMBARDED by these card tables full of free shit and raffles and just general cat weirdness. I want it stated for the record - I am a big cat fan, but this shit was sick. The first table I see has this enormous Bengal cat lying on it, intentionally not looking at anyone. It was snobby as sin. This woman was charging a dollar for a picture of the cat, the money then being donated to a charity, probably the Get My Spoiled Bengal A Jeweled Food Dish Foundation. I paid the money; I have no excuses. Then I reach my hand over to pet it, and it SNUBBED me.
It looked like this:

Picture it ignoring you.

So we continue walking around the tables, and we find the Ginny table, which is LOADED with free Ginny shizzle: pens, stickers, magnets, et cetera. We took as much as we could without looking obscene.
Oh, this is the official Ginny site.
They have a store where you can buy videos and shirts.
The weird thing about the Ginny remembrance was that whenever you saw a poster or anything acknowledging her, it didn't just say Ginny. It ALWAYS said Ginny, the Dog who Rescued Cats. Maybe it's just weird to me, but if Arnold or Jerry was immortalized at a cat or dog show, and I was bombarded by weird taglines like "Arnold, the Noble Beast Who Used to Follow Emma Out to her Treehouse and Wrap His Body Around Her Head So She Wouldn't Get Cold," or "Jerry, the Cat Who Purrs At Skunks Because He Doesn't Know How to Differentiate Species," I would be creeped out. I wonder if Ginny's owner was creeped out. Since he's getting mad publicity and book offers, I'm inclined to doubt it.
So eventually, we manage to bypass the tables and get out to the showroom. It was madness. As soon as we walk in, we hear meows and smell...I almost said pussy but thought better of it. But there was a definite odor in the air.
This is a picture from the 2004 show, but believe me - you can't tell the difference.

It was madness. I was forced to accept the fact that these cats were wearing things that cost more than my whole outfit. The holding containers were decorated as much as is humanly possible. One cat was lounging on a mini-leopard armoire, and some of these pens had bunk beds and weird unrecognizable furniture.
Many of them were being whored. I don't mean that there were lines of tom cats waiting outside cages with $20 bills, but they had big signs on their cages advertising their progeny, most of whom cost upwards of $600 or $700.

Now, I had one cat-related goal: I wanted to fondle one of the earless cats. We looked everywhere. No earless cats.

What a downer. However, we did see a few MAMMOTH Maine Coon cats, who were frighteningly big. They didn't even look like cats.

It doesn't look that big, but when you put it next to one of those ratty Sphinx's something to behold.

I was really looking forward to the cat agility tests, simply because I didn't have the slightest idea what it entailed. If you've ever seen dog agility tests at a dog show before, it's the same concept, except that cats are more pampered and need more guidance. We watched a few owners shell out $10 to have their cats timed in the course. Why? No fucking clue. The winner got a box of Meow Mix or something. Most of the cats were pretty wretched. Inevitably, they would get distracted and just wander off and their owners would follow them with string, wailing mournfully.

The woman that was in charge of the cat agility testing must have been directly imported from the set of Drop Dead Gorgeous, because I have NEVER heard such a potent Minnesota accent this side of Kirstie Alley. If Nicole Sullivan had been one of the judges at the Howard Johnson's in that movie, this was her twin. She scared me, and she had an infautation with - of course. The fucking Bengal cats. One of the Bengal cats, Zoom, is the fastest cat agility contender in the world. I thought that was pretty impressive when I first heard it, but now that a week has gone by, it feels like being in the presence of the world's fastest Minesweeper player. Which would be cool, but not THAT cool. Zoom was pretty badass though, he did the course in seven seconds and put all those pussy cats (redundant?) in their place.

We ended up seeing the Meowcity dancers, who were a group of middle school-age girls with pubescent bumps on their chests. I felt for them. A/B cup represent. But the sympathy was limited, because they abused the art of lipsyncing worse than Ashlee could have done with a bottle of Vaseline and a karaoke machine. It was just wrong. Picture the Broadway show Cats. Now picture worse costumes and worse songs. I think they did a weird pelvic gyration dance to "I Like to Move It, Move It." Shudder. I think they saw us wincing.

The eulogy. Devra moped a little when she realized there wasn't going to be a video tribute. I was also admittedly bummed. I was hoping there was footage of her rescuing cats out of a burning building or something. Instead, we heard weirdo speakers talking about how they met Ginny and they were spiritually changed. As these people were going on and on about Ginny, I kept looking over at the 2005 Cat of the Year Zoe, who was patiently waiting in her cage for her own award. Such dignity. During the moment of silence, if Devra and I had looked each other...something very bad would have happened. I suspect if I laughed at a people funeral, I would get my ass kicked. I don't even want to think about what happens if you do it at a dog funeral in front of crazed PETA people. They might kill.

So after the Ginny Foundation got a shitload of dog food, Zoe got her turn. She smelled carbon monoxide and alerted her owner. I don't know about you, but I've read about these cat carbon monoxide stories a billion times. I have no doubt that Zoe rocks and her owners are very fortunate to have her, but Zoe smelled something nasty and got upset. Like any cat would do. I'm probably being too callous, since I really liked Zoe and told her congratulations and she nuzzled my hand. She was the only cat in the entire arena to acknowledge me. Heart.

Before I forget, the people at this thing were batshit crazy. Seriously. Everyone was over 400 pounds, which didn't make a lot of sense to me. If you're spending thousands of dollars on your cat, how do you have money for your own food? Shrug. All the guys looked like sexual predators, and I recognized half of them from Maury. Should you go to the 2006 show? Totally. There's a Friendly's on Central Avenue.

Monday, November 21, 2005

For Prospective NYU Students: Don't Come Here.

I have been pondering whether or not to address the graduate student strike, as it's an issue that directly concerns me and over half of the people who supposedly read this blog. Two weeks ago, the graduate student teaching assistants went on strike because NYU chose not to renew the terms of their original union agreement. The strikers want more collective bargaining power, the ability to influence academic affairs and better wages.

I understand the need to have a healthy dialogue between student teachers and the institution that employs them. However, I am completely opposed to this strike. The average NYU student pays about $40,000 a year under the assumption that NYU will provide a cohesive learning environment that will prepare them for the future. There are a ton of high school kids that don't even consider going to this school because they don't have the money for one year of schooling, let alone four. It's incredibly expensive, and most students are going to be paying back a ton of loans for the next two decades.

That said, the students who chose to go on strike are being incredibly short-sighted in their demands. The idea that the overwhelming majority of these people, who clearly have the healthy economic background to GO to graduate school in the first place, need health benefits is ludicrous. The reason why 85% of undergraduates don't go on to get a Masters is because it's insanely expensive, and most people can't afford it, unless they went to a ridiculously cheap university for their Bachelor's. Do these people have any idea how lucky they are? They were smart enough and rich enough to get into an NYU graduate program. When they get their Masters and PhDs, they're as close to ensured of a plentiful six-figure income as you can get. They're lucky they're getting paid anything. I would give my soul to be getting paid for learning right now.

More importantly, they're impeding on our ability to learn. There are certainly classes I'm not gung-ho about this semester, but I go to them because it's my obligation and because my parents paid a considerable amount of money for them. I owe it to a number of people to attend. I would love to know how it's conducive to anything to have a bunch of whiny 26-year-olds in tweed and corderoy blocking the entrance to the Silver Center and giving nasty looks to anyone who has the audacity not to accept one of their flyers. Even more annoying, these protestors are screaming and chanting throughout the entire morning and afternoon, and it's difficult to hear anything that's going on in the classes. Is it imperitive that your voice must be heard over that of my professor's, who understands her obligation to be here and give us our money's worth? Wasn't Washington Square Park practically created so that you can have a foliage-dotted arena with the homeless people to express your views?

Lastly, the NYU professors that have moved off-campus in a gesture of solidarity with the protestors are betraying the students paying them to teach. I know a lot of people, myself included, that can't go to some of their classes because the teachers have moved them to completely different neighborhoods, and there's no way to get to class on time, unless you have the fiduciary means to take a cab to your next class. Maybe we should ask the strikers for money; I suspect many of them have it. These professors are getting paid over $40,000 a year - and that money is coming from our tuition fees. They have a duty to go to the classroom that NYU assigned them on campus, so that students can attend and learn something. If you want to support the strikers, there are ways to do it without messing up the lives of everyone that attends class. Join the picket line when you don't have class. Hold a rally. Use your intellectual influence to stimulate debate between the two parties involved in the strike. There are a number of ways that you can stand for something without figuratively thumbing your noise at the people that are going broke so that you have a commanding salary.

If you want to read more about the strike, NYUview has a lot of story links about it.

And if anyone that doesn't agree with my opinion wants to post an entry about it, I would not be opposed to that. I'm sure there are a number of people who are going to disagree with my stance on this one.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Male Raping, Raw Food and Highlighters: The Story of Crazy Mego

In a little while, I will be devoting a post to the amazing adventures I had yesterday with Devra Bogangles at the 30th Annual Westchester Cat Show. However, I was given a golden opportunity this afternoon to interview the infamous Crazy Mego, who has become something of a legend amongst the former inhabitants of the W---- dormitory from the 2002-2003 school year. While this interview doesn't provide a complete picture that will allow the novice to understand her reputation and moniker, I have not edited her responses in a bid to preserve the essence of Crazy Mego.

Note: this is not a mature interview in any sense of the word, so if you're looking for an interview comparable with our West Point installments, you will be disappointed.

For further understanding:
MyDadIsAWeenie: E.E. Grimshaw
HurricainFran: Drunk Erin
angelfisheyny: Michelle
Sanock42: Mikey Sanocki
bellasnodoubt: J
KranBeRRii: Sarah Alfone
B--------: Crazy Mego
LadyKim1: Kim Wong
NYStateofMind623: Morgan G.

You have just entered room "iheartinterviews."
MyDadIsAWeenie: we're interviewing crazy mego
KranBeRRii: emma what story did you tell me about this chick
KranBeRRii: at the pirate party
Sanock42: Emma went to a pirate party?
Sanock42: Omg, way to be Looby.
Sanock42: Whatever, Looby.
bellasnodoubt: can we talk about the time mr big wanted to sex you at w------?
B--------: yes - but it wasn't at w----------
MyDadIsAWeenie: wait!
MyDadIsAWeenie: crazy mego
MyDadIsAWeenie: tell everyone how we know you
MyDadIsAWeenie: and then we can discuss mr big
B--------: we met at w-------- I was m----'s roomate
bellasnodoubt: i met her through emma
bellasnodoubt: how else would i have friends?
HurricainFran: paying for sex?
bellasnodoubt: true
B------------: I was at a bar and mr. big grabbed me and started talking to me in an irish accent
bellasnodoubt: ewww
HurricainFran: Oh, thats hot
B------------: then he baught me some drinks
angelfisheyny: how tall is he
B------------: he was sitting down
HurricainFran: did you do him sitting down?
B------------: we were sitting down
bellasnodoubt: sitting on his penis?
B------------: i didn't dop him .. I onlu would have laid him if it meant i could go home with him and see his place
B------------: he wanted to come back to p------- .. and that wasn't about to happen
MyDadIsAWeenie: i don't understand why mr big would want to go to p-------
B------------: i didn't either
B------------: i think cause i said i had 12 female roomates
bellasnodoubt: b/c he has a college virgin rape fantasy
angelfisheyny: he probably would have had a good time
MyDadIsAWeenie: why did you say no
B------------: i thought when i said no then he would say "come back to my place then"
B------------: but my plan wasn't properly thought out i guess
angelfisheyny: i can't imagine not bringing chris noth home to a room full of 12 girls
bellasnodoubt: tell me about it
B------------: however ... he did tell me that every friday him and his friends go to some restaraunt called ...
B------------: don marinos?
B------------: something like that - and i shoulkds top in .. i neevr did .. still should though

MyDadIsAWeenie: why are you called crazy mego
HurricainFran: because she declined mr big?
bellasnodoubt: lol
angelfisheyny: hahahahha
B------------: you named me
B------------: so you can answer that one
angelfisheyny: because one was crazy and one was blue?
MyDadIsAWeenie: and there was a red one
MyDadIsAWeenie: and a virginia one
HurricainFran: You got off lucky, I'm "The drunken bitch from Michigan"
MyDadIsAWeenie: and this one wandered around w-------- with toe separaters and a wife beater
Lady kim1: and won that assassins game
MyDadIsAWeenie: yes, mego, can we hear a bit more about assassins
MyDadIsAWeenie: i forgot about that and how good you were
B------------: i won assassins
MyDadIsAWeenie: how did you win
Lady kim1: yes, yes you did
B------------: I WON W-------- ASSASSINS
MyDadIsAWeenie: wait!
Lady kim1: woohoo!
MyDadIsAWeenie: will either kim or mego explain what assassins is
B------------: you get someones picture with a word on it
Lady kim1: you hafta make that person say that word
B------------: you find the person in the picture - you find a creative way to get them to say the word in a convo
HurricainFran: Thats a great game!
Lady kim1: if they say it, you get their assassins assignment pic and then you hafta hunt down their person
B------------: once they say it - you tell them they have been assassinated and you confiscate their photo that hey have of someone else
B------------: SO - i totally won
MyDadIsAWeenie: kim, did crazy mego assassinate you, so to speak
Lady kim1: no, but i think she got other megan
MyDadIsAWeenie: virginia?
Lady kim1: yeh
B-----------: (ps i don't remember any of these people)

MyDadIsAWeenie: can you explain the different diets you have had since i've met you
MyDadIsAWeenie: because they're very interesting
MyDadIsAWeenie: and explain a lot about you
angelfisheyny: ya how is the raw food going
B------------: i used to eat low carb
B------------: and now i am a raw foodist
B------------: it's hot
B------------: but lately i cheat sometimes
B------------: like .. i eat baked beans .. me and my kitten eat baked beans together
Lady kim1: ...
MyDadIsAWeenie: why did you start the low carb diet
B------------: i was young and stupid .. low carb seemed the way to go .. and i could eat whatever i wanted as long as it was low carb
MyDadIsAWeenie: okay, why did you change from low carb to raw
B------------: i woke up one morning ... i thought "from this way forward, I am a raw foodist" ... you (emma) were the onl person online at the time, so I recall IMing you "Emma, mark my words, from this day forward I am a raw foodist."
B------------: i eat raw, vegan food
B------------: nothing heated or processed
B------------: all organic

MyDadIsAWeenie: what's the name of your kitten
Lady kim1: crazy kitten?
B------------: L.B.
-------------: for Living Beanbag
MyDadIsAWeenie: what is beanbag
B------------: beanbag is my cat ive had since i was a baby
angelfisheyny: megan what do you think of britney's husband and his braids
B------------: britney will be taking over christina applegate's role in sweet charity (rumor has it)
B------------: what brinttney likes, I like

MyDadIsAWeenie: what are you currently doing now that you're not at nyu
B-------------: I teach group exercise classes and personal train ... and am auditionin more and more
MyDadIsAWeenie: can we talk about keith
B------------: Keith ... well .. i liked him
B------------: i saw him about ... 6 months ago ... the magic had certainl left
bellasnodoubt: mego, are you currently dating anyone?
HurricainFran: Translation: Jocelyn wants a shot with you
B------------: um .. well .. i haven't been laid in a vary long time .. so if you know anybody ..
HurricainFran: Jocelyn knows "somebody"
Lady kim1: what counts as a "very long time"?
B------------: a year and a half
B-------------: i currently have a crush ... and i am sort of dating this one guy who is cute but boring ... but do-able if we ever get that farr
MyDadIsAWeenie: okay, can we discuss seth
B------------: i fucked seth for 2+ years and like him a lot
B------------: I now stalk him as best i can and happen to know he is in a relationship
MyDadIsAWeenie: how did you meet him
B-------------: we met at a club ... i forget the name of iit
MyDadIsAWeenie: crazy mego, can we discuss the animosity between yourself and several members of 5th floor w---------
Lady kim1: 5a? or 5b?
MyDadIsAWeenie: 5a
B--------------: they hated me .. i don't know why
bellasnodoubt: is it because she maturbated with sylvia simsons highlighters?
B--------------: well .. jen and I were both hooking up with mr. shine ...
B-------------: krupa and the othe rweridos ... i don't knwo ... hate
B--------------: richard apparently wanted to lay me because he did attempt to ask me out this yeasr .. yes, THIS year after I hadn't seen him since freshman year
B--------------: so .. i guess he was haitng me in revers at the time
MyDadIsAWeenie: as i recall, you didn't get along with the people next door to you because you would blast britney at all hours of the night
B------------: well .. what can i say .. i like to dance
B--------------: my current neighbors dont mind .. at least they don't say anything if they do ...
MyDadIsAWeenie: okay, we need to bring this up
MyDadIsAWeenie: there are actually three subjects that must be touched on
MyDadIsAWeenie: one is you getting drunk and wrecking havoc on sylvia's room three years ago
MyDadIsAWeenie: two is you technically raping a guy
MyDadIsAWeenie: and the third is you biting a bouncer and getting kicked out of a club
MyDadIsAWeenie: thoughts?
B---------------: well .. it was an accident .. all three
B----------------: i got carried away in all three situations
bellasnodoubt: that was the best answer ever
B--------------: i ... tend to ... get carried away
MyDadIsAWeenie: okay, does anyone else have any questions
MyDadIsAWeenie: i would have liked to discuss sylvia's highlighters in more detail, but that can wait
Lady kim1: can it?
B---------------: yes yes, it can
B--------------: there's not much detail
B-------------: I just wanted to taint them a bit .. and what better a way then to ...

MyDadIsAWeenie: okay okay
MyDadIsAWeenie: i think we're done here
B------------: ok, goodnight friends
B------------- has left the room.
bellasnodoubt: goodnight?
HurricainFran: I LOVE her
bellasnodoubt: i dont think its night
MyDadIsAWeenie: before we end this officially
MyDadIsAWeenie: i would like to ask everyone in the room a question
MyDadIsAWeenie: what is your favorite story or aspect of crazy mego's existence
bellasnodoubt: mr big
NYStateofMind623: dude... one night at w-----------.. my roommate had already moved out for the summer and i was ecstatic so a friend and i were having a couple of beers
NYStateofMind623: and out of nowhere, crazy mego comes knocking on my door.. mind you i had never met her or had any clue who she was... yelling at me that i was bouncing a ball on the wall and bothering her
NYStateofMind623: mind you, i lived in 631.. on the other side of the stairwell and 1 floor above her
Lady kim1: lol!
bellasnodoubt: i heart mego
NYStateofMind623: i invited her in to ensure her that there was no ball
MyDadIsAWeenie: jocelyn
MyDadIsAWeenie: since we don't have crazy mego here anymore
MyDadIsAWeenie: can you regale us with the garbage man story
bellasnodoubt: i dont really know much about it, but i believe she met him at a club, took a pic of him with her camera phone, made him an entry in the stud notebook, and turned what should have been a one night stand into something a lot more
MyDadIsAWeenie: that wasn't the garbage man
MyDadIsAWeenie: that was keith, the only person in the stud notebook that was a one night stand
bellasnodoubt: oh
wehateallmovment has entered the room.
MyDadIsAWeenie: weenie!
MyDadIsAWeenie: i have one question
MyDadIsAWeenie: and then you can go
MyDadIsAWeenie: favorite crazy mego fact or story
NYStateofMind623: dude this chicky is nuts
wehateallmovment: probably the rape
MyDadIsAWeenie: that's my favorite too
MyDadIsAWeenie: it's a shame we didn't get a lot of time to discuss the rape with mego
MyDadIsAWeenie: because it's the only time i've ever heard of a girl legit raping a guy
NYStateofMind623: oh someone explain this to me
MyDadIsAWeenie: she was hooking up with a guy
MyDadIsAWeenie: she said she wanted to have sex
MyDadIsAWeenie: he said no
MyDadIsAWeenie: she shoved his dick in her
MyDadIsAWeenie: and he pulled it out
MyDadIsAWeenie: and never called her again
NYStateofMind623: whoa
NYStateofMind623: imagine he was a virgin
bellasnodoubt: maybe thats why he pulled out
MyDadIsAWeenie: wasn't the damage done by that point
NYStateofMind623: i'd imagine that would be every guy's fantasy
MyDadIsAWeenie: i thank all of our panelists
MyDadIsAWeenie: for an excellent discussion
Lady kim1: should we take a bow?
bellasnodoubt: no

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Dear Forrester, Eat Me.

Since I have been massively distracted by having to read 500 pages of Tom Jones this week, making me and the Malsta the only people in the world to have finished that behemoth nastiness, I only saw this article today about the state I reluctantly admit to coming from.
For those that don't like when I don't talk about celebrity penile goodness, I apologize. However, this is ridiculous.
Last week was Election Day. I HEART elections. It reminds me of my old Student Council campaigning days when I used to put weird posters with "Bah-ram-ewe" quotes from Babe all over the high school, not so much to win as much as to creep people out. I succeeded beyond all hopes.

Gypped on Oscar night.

This year was deliciously fun, since I had the pleasure of having chats with the two candidates for Upper East Side councilman almost every day, Democrat Dan Garodnick and Republican Patrick Murphy.

This is Patrick Murphy.

This is Dan Garodnick.

Every day for about two months, these gentlemen stood outside my subway stop to shake hands, which is so badass. You know, Kennedy used to do awesome shit like that when he was campaigning for President. He'd just knock on doors and say hello. If Hillary did that, I would fucking KEEL over.

Within a few days, I knew who should be the winner here. One day when it was pouring out, around 6PM, I was totally drenched, walking down 95th. Patrick Murphy was standing there by himself in a little yellow rain slicker handing out fliers. I fell in platonic love. Too bad he's gay. Meh. Dan Garodnick would NEVER do something like that, especially without his posse of cunty people shoving his little posters in my face. And one time, he didn't shake my hand.

Further down in the Upper East Side, this ridiculous waste of life named Jessica Lappin was also campaigning for a council spot. I hated her instantly. I saw her talking on the cell phone while her minions were putting up her posters for her. Self-suffiency? No?

Smarmy little ass.

Of course, nothing ever works out like I want it to. Dan Garodnick slammed Patrick Murphy by about 30 points, though I'm willing to bet that the people that voted for Garodnick never saw my BFF Patrick handing out fliers in the rain. Sigh. And that bitch Lappin won. Seriously, if you want to win an election in this town, just register as a Democrat. You don't even have to campaign. You can just let your army of loyalists do the work for you. When I was campaigning for President in 2020, I went from door-to-door by myself. I am all about the DIY in fictitious elections.

Somewhere in here, I was talking about the New Jersey gubernatorial campaigns. I get off track like nothing else. So the two guys running for governor were Jon Corzine and Doug Forrester. I am a firm believer in the almighty visual.
This is Doug.

Doesn't he look like one of those people that looks exactly how they did when they were four? I have no doubt his preschool pictures are identical to this.

This is Jon.

I think they both look pretty skeezy.

Anyway, Mr. Corzine and I go way back, as I used to see him all the time on the Senate floor when I was learning all of the Senators last year. A big chum of my BFF Hillary Clinton, so you can see which way my loyalties were swinging here.

So there was this nasty nasty campaign, where extramarital affairs were flung back and forth, ex-wives went on TV denouncing their former husbands, it was insanity. Corzine won by nine percentage points, though he lost in my county by about 7 million votes or so. I want to make it clear that that is an exaggeration. There are about 150 people in my county, thus numbers in the millions are statistically impossible. If this was a bovine election, that would be different.

Anyway, Forrester is claiming that he lost the election because Bush is doing so shitty lately. Yeah, it probably doesn't help when the leader of your political party has a 36% approval rating. But come ON. The Republican candidate in Virginia has a legit claim there. Virginia is a red state. New Jersey isn't. You lost because you were the Republican candidate in a blue state, with a Democratic challenger who was a popular Senator. Suck it up. At least you don't look like Horace from Dr. Quinn.

Before I forget, Elliot Stabler and Olivia Benson are going to have hot steamy sex before the end of the year. There was sexual tension in last night's episode, and it's going down during May sweeps. What.

There's a threesome I would be honored to be a part of.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Kiera is the Elizabeth Bennett of my Heart.

It's a known fact that Natalie and Kiera bear a frightening resemblance to one another, the only difference being that Natalie is a hardcore Israeli with a barely discernible mole on her left cheek, and Kiera has a south English accent and a jaw that Hercules would have given his god-like testicles for. Observe:



It's uncanny.

The other difference between the two, at least until this weekend, was that Natalie was more badass. She's been in at least three really really good movies, and arguments can be made for several more. Hell, she wins hands down just for showing Clive Owen her poon.

"Now...tell me your REAL name."

"Thank you. My plain Jane Jones."


Anyway, I feel the blog audience should be reminded that I called for her Oscar nomination as soon as the credits started rolling on that masterpiece. My eye for pretentious orgasmic acting is unparalleled in the Western world.

In the background to this cinematic mastery was Kiera Knightley, slowly working her way through the ranks in Bend It Like Beckham and Pirates of the Caribbean. In those, she was just eye candy for the voyeurs who didn't have the strength to gape at Johnny and Orlando the whole time. However, Kiera is going to get her first Oscar nomination this year, I'm totally calling it.

My dear chum Abbi, who is responsible for me getting a promotion at work, as well as my consumption of about 10 different bags of Peanut Butter M&Ms, agreed to go with me to the free sneak preview of Rent. I was beyond excited, Rosario is about to break out in a big way, and I don't know anyone besides my loyal co-worker and that batshit Russian who actually like the musical. I can't count the number of times I've blasted One Song Glory in the cornfields of Jersey. The total would undoubtedly reach into the hundreds. So throughout the entire workday, I managed to make myself a social pariah by singing a healthy chunk of the soundtrack in anticipation of Rent goodness. It was not to be. They cut off the audience line two people in front of us, and I was devastated like the wolf. LIKE THE WOLF.

Thinking the night could still be salvaged, we scanned the list of movies playing, and after sneering at Chicken Little and Zathura, saw Pride and Prejudice. I am a huge fan of the book. I think Jane Austin is generally badass for promoting my name 200 years in advance. Besides, Kiera AND Donald Sutherland are both in it, and that's almost worth the insane amount of money they charged us. Besides, I take delicious satisfaction in knowing that I've read the book a movie is based on, i.e. The Babysitters Club. Heh.

What a badass movie. If a guy can ooze carnivorous sex appeal in pantaloons, it's worth its weight in gold. The only thing that sucks about this movie is Jena Malone, who is the definition of a waste of life in everything she touches. The camera work is amazing, and I'm not a film student, so I rarely notice technical shizzle like that, but during the ballroom scenes, the camera slowly travels throughout the rooms and shows everything worth knowing. Donald Sutherland is hilarious, and must have been on E the entire time they were filming this. Haha remember when Andi on Dawson's Creek went apeshit after getting accepted to Harvard and went on an E rampage and almost passed out in that inflatable moon walk thing?

Dear Pacey, I heart E. Love, Andi.

If you go see it, look for the scenes where Kiera wears long sleeves - those are the ones that were filmed while she was training for Domino, and they didn't want Elizabeth Bennett to have bulging biceps. I hate what I know. Kiera NAILS Elizabeth Bennett. I mean, unequivocally, must have contacted Jane Austin during a seance for advice nailed that character. I read some review that said the guy that played Darcy was bland and underwhelming, but it was clearly written by someone that didn't get that the essence of Darcy is in his subtle, supercilious mannerisms. People equal lame.


Friday, November 04, 2005

I Know Someone Who Was on Elimidate.

Jeffrey Grimshaw called me from his shitty Nokia crap phone today to complain about me not updating my online masterpiece. I swore at him and tried to get him to buy me a dysentary t-shirt, but I have decided to heed his advice, as I have mad shizzle to report.
Number 1 - the New York Post reads this blog.
There is no other explanation for how a puggle got on their front page yesterday. As loyal readers will remember, I reported on the glory of puggie beagle hybrids WEEKS ago, and yet the Post is trying to claim it as their own. However, it's hard to stay mad at a publication that covered Winona's trial more diligently than CourtTV. Mad props.
Time for some puggle goodness.

It looks like it's wearing Depends. <3.

Number 2 - no one but me watches Commander in Chief.
If this wasn't true, then someone other than me would have seen the blatant Bush slam during this week's episode and reported on it. To my knowledge, no one has. The idea is that President Geena is in Florida surveying hurricane damage, and she's reading a book to a bunch of displaced children. There's an oil tanker crisis offshore, and her Chief of Staff whispers the news in her ear. She stops reading the book.
Sound familiar? Hmmm. Wasn't Bush in Florida on September 11th...reading a book to a bunch of kids...and...kept on reading? Now, I never complained about that. I thought Kerry was totally dumb for ever bringing it up, since he wasn't the President at that time and thus has no idea what was going on in Bush's head. Come on. Politics aside, why did Commander in Chief feel the need to bring it up again? It's deliciously bitchy and immature at the same time. Like all the coverage of Tara Reid's nipple exposure. I'm probably just bitter because I'm really starting to hate the girl on that show, since she's apparently going to fuck some guy next week on camera. Come on, Geena Davis raised you better than that.

Skank ho.

One of my comrade co-workers was a reality show slut a couple of years ago, and has a dating show resume, the likes of which I have never seen.
Go here and click on Billionaire Bride. She's the white one that says, "I don't think turned ON is the right word." I've always wanted to know a non-celebrity celebrity, like that one girl in Now and Then that didn't become famous.
I'm trying to get her to contribute to the blog, because she has a potentially scathing piece on the inter-office drama that goes on at the Wall Street Transcript, and it could get us both fired. I value my financial future...not at all.

The people in the apartment across the way are doing sex stuff, so I'm going to end this prematurely and watch.
Before I go all voyeuristic, do you know how to connect Winona and Marilyn Monroe in six moves or less?

Marilyn was in Some Like it Hot with Jack Lemmon.

Jack Lemmon was in Grumpy Old Men with Ann Margaret.

Ann Margaret was in Newsies with Christian Bale.

Oops. Those were REAL newsies.

THERE'S the Welsh newsie.

Christian Bale was in Little Women with Winona.