Sunday, November 25, 2012

Mother May I Sleep With Danger 2: The Real Question is Whether Lohan Stacks Up with Tori Spelling, not Liz Taylor.

I'm bringing Weenie Enema out of blog retirement to capture the brilliance of Lifetime's Liz and Dick, premiering tonight at 9pm. Much has been hashed and re-hashed about the casting of Lindsay Lohan as violet-eyed icon Elizabeth Taylor, and it doesn't really interest me all that much. I enjoyed Mean Girls for what it was, but Lohan has never come close to the brilliance of a performance like Liz had in Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? or even in A Place in the Sun, so comparisons are needless. The real reason to watch this is because it's stacking up to be a train wreck of massive proportions. This is basically Riding the Bus with My Sister except that Lohan is riding Richard Burton instead, and is holding expensive jewelry in lieu of safety scissors. While we patiently wait, some pre-viewing questions to consider: How will this stack up with the classic Lifetime movies of yore, such as the aforementioned bus film, anything starring Candice Cameron Bure, Fred Savage, Lisa Renna, Kellie Martin and the D-list locust Tori Spelling? How amazing is Lohan going to look as ancient 1980s Liz? (My money is on a dead ringer for Delta Burke.) And is Lifetime, which can be notoriously prudish, even when it comes to movies with a sexual theme, going to show actual 1960s thrusting? Stay tuned. I'm getting a coffee so I don't fall asleep in the midst of raspy Lohan dialogue.
8:03pm - Massive, massive drama for about 10 minutes. I couldn't find Lifetime and I started flipping my shit, thinking Optimum would DEFINITELY have screwed me over for signing up for fake triple play last month. But then I found Lifetime and I feel much better about the situation.
8:39pm - Since this is my first time on Weenie Enema in almost two years, I'm going through the comments and finding an astounding amount of spam. My personal favorite: Marcia Gay Harden was born on August 14, 1959, in La Jolla, California, the third of five children. Her father was a star in gay ebony porn films,and the family relocated often -- she first became interested in the theater when the family was living in Greece, and she had attended plays in Athens. Harden began her college education at American universities in Europe and returned to the US to complete her studies at the Universityof Texas in 1983; went on to earn an MFA at NYU, and, thereafter, embarked on her acting career when she appeared in a series of free gay celeb porn short movies Would people really refer to that porn genre as "gay ebony porn?"
8:40pm - Lifetime has a countdown clock on the top right of the screen. They definitely did not have that for Riding the Bus with my Sister.
8:53pm - What is this shizzle on Lifetime right now? They're not content to have two straight hours of crap?
8:54pm - I bet Danica McKellar gets called Danica Patrick ALL the time now.
8:55pm - These people are clearly hiding under the same table that Hayden Panettiere was crouching under when she first met Olivia in Law and Order SVU Season 2 Episode 11 "Abuse."
9:00pm - HERE WE GO!
9:01pm - Ooooh, Steve from Sex and the City is in this.
9:02pm - What is with this voiceover narration? Is it weird that I immediately thought of a pervy Morgan Freeman?
9:03pm - A Maggie Smith lookalike is playing the maid. Excellent casting.
9:03pm - It is unclear why they stole the score from Homeward Bound for this.
9:06pm - No Mom, I'm not picking up the phone right now. Honestly.
9:07pm - Did Richard Burton die already? What is with this?
9:08pm - This kind of makes me want to see Cleopatra.
9:09pm - There is no way the real Richard Burton had guns like this.
9:10pm - Oh my god, I want that weird gypsy doo-rag Lohan is wearing. It's like African safari meets laundry woman.
9:12pm - So just to recap, Richard Burton told Liz that her boobs were her heart and soul, and that's all it took for the carnal lusting to commence.
9:13pm - I feel like this sort of tawdry galavanting on a movie set is EXACTLY what happened on Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Poor Aniston.
9:14pm - Every time Lohan starts giggling, she's clearly on the verge of a smoker's coughing fit.
9:15pm - This guy playing Eddie Fisher is a little too hot for the role, like a hunky Seth Cohen.
9:17pm - Is Bradley Cooper jogging in a garbage bag in this preview?
9:20pm - Michelle has informed me that they're airing Liz Taylor fragrance commercials during Revenge. Subtle advertising?
9:21pm - I just spent 10 seconds honestly thinking the ad for The Client List was the actual movie coming back on.
9:22pm - AGAIN with the Homeward Bound music!
9:23pm - "I don't need a pool - I have my whole ocean in you." JESUS.
9:24pm - If he starts having sex with her in this pool and she begins flopping around like a dead fish, it will be EXACTLY like Showgirls.
9:24pm - Um, Richard Burton did NOT have pecs like this. If Jon Hamm can get a little flabby for Mad Men, why couldn't this guy?
9:25pm - Didn't anyone tell these people that you can't give Lohan free reign in a jewelry store?
9:26pm - This shot by the Spanish Steps looks REALLY fake. Did Lifetime not have a budget for travel expenses to Rome?
9:27 - This Irish lackey of Burton's looks like a tubby, blonder version of Mark Summers from Double Dare.
9:28pm - "I can't live without you!" - Lohan, who then runs out of the room in a hideous kimono.
9:34pm - Liz Taylor is chain smoking. Perhaps Lohan is finally in her wheelhouse.
9:36pm - Sometimes it sounds like Lohan really has the shrill, nasally Liz Taylor voice down, but then she yells and the rasp comes out.
9:37pm - Gstaad? I'm pretty sure I went to a blogger party at a place called that in Chelsea.
9:38pm - Lohan started screeching that she's bored, and a handful of maids came running out of the house towards her. But then they inexplicably disappeared and I have no idea what just happened.
9:39pm - It would be a real hoot if Theresa Russell, who's playing Liz's mom, decided to switch into her character from Wild Things aka slutty Denise Richards' mom.
9:40pm - What is the deal with Burton's hair? This looks like a really bad wig, and I can't figure out if the actor playing him is bald or not.
9:43pm - The guy playing Richard Burton really isn't bad at all. But man, this Lohan performance is I Know Who Killed Me epic.
I Know Who Killed Your Career.
9:46pm - Hahahaha they're promoting a Tori Spelling Christmas movie. Tori is Lifetime's meal ticket, whether either wants to admit it or not.
9:47pm - OOOH ROB LOWE.
9:48pm - Lohan is dressed like an Easter egg.
9:49pm - "I'm getting a divorce!" "Well, hurry back." Emmy screenplay nod?
9:51pm - Lohan is dressed in another kimono and is (coincidentally?) having another nervous breakdown.
9:52pm - Smoker's coughing fit #7.
9:52pm - Lohan is looking VERY Delta Burkian in that hat. This is promising.
9:54pm - "Elizabeth wants to play." - Lohan. Ew, I'll pass on this game.
9:56pm - "The best Twilight ever" is really not the greatest movie endorsement.
9:58pm - I don't pretend to have extensive knowledge of the Lifetime demographic, but are there regular Lifetime viewers who know who Giants wide receiver Victor Cruz is?
9:59pm - "You do know I'm shagging him senseless, don't you?" I don't even think Austin Powers ever said that.
10:00pm - It's unclear if anyone will know what I'm talking about, but do you remember that Fred Savage episode of SVU where he plays a serial rapist and seduces one of the jury members? Sybil Burton looks just like that juror.
10:03pm - So...we all think the vast majority of this movie was filmed in a Plaza suite, right? Possibly the one from Home Alone 2?
10:05pm - I love that Richard Burton is wearing the exact same black outfit performing his stage monologue that he wears during those atrocious fake documentary scenes.
10:05pm - Ah, I see Anderson Cooper is an uncredited extra.
10:07pm - I know this is about Liz and Dick, but I would have thoroughly enjoyed a Debbie Reynolds/Liz Taylor catfight.

10:10pm - "Thank youaaaaaahhhhhrrrrrcoughcoughcough." - Lohan
10:10pm - Steve! Hi, Steve! It's so weird to see you without Miranda.
10:11pm - Fake Oscar ceremony! Yes!
10:12pm - The idea that Lohan knows who Laurence Olivier is...I can't.
10:16pm - I'm missing a brand new episode of Finding Bigfoot. Frown.
10:17pm - I haven't watched anything on Lifetime in years, but is there supposed to be some significance in that weird Lifetime icon that looks like a red amoeba in the lower righthand side of the screen? It's lost on me.
10:17pm - God! They're re-enacting Virginia Woolf! Heresy!
10:19pm - "I will love you even if you get as fat as a hippo."

Apparently Liz circa 1985.
10:20pm - They're both nominated. Haha I know what's coming.
10:21pm - "And the winner is...Paul Scofield." Ouch.
10:22pm - I have to say, this isn't nearly as bad as the reviews made it out to be. Riding the Bus With My Sister is still setting the bar.
10:24pm - Theresa Russell is criminally underused.
10:27pm - Les Miz preview!!! YES YES YES!
10:28pm - Russell Crowe hasn't been nominated since A Beautiful Mind. He's kind of due. Just saying.
10:31pm - This is almost over and Liz is still skinny. I demand Delta Burke.
10:32pm - Amazing Titanic connection - the auctioneer is definitely the Titanic crew member Kate Winslet walloped. He responded with, "The hell with you," and wandered off to safety.
10:35pm - They're not even giving the Richard Burton guy a fake beer belly. You find me a raging chain smoking alkie with a six pack, and I'll show you a mentally challenged pony.

Too easy.
10:38pm - If Lohan actually thought this had a chance of being a comeback vehicle, why is her next project Scary Movie 5?
10:39pm - Liz Taylor is now 40. Aka Lohan needed zero makeup.
10:41pm - Lohan's either crying or coughing. Probably coughing.
10:43pm - Remember when my mom called at 9:06pm? I just listened to the voicemail. "This may be the worst thing I've ever seen on television." HA. I would point out that she did NOT see Riding the Bus With My Sister.
10:44pm - They might have DNA linkage to Bigfoot. But I can't confirm that because I chose to watch this pigslop.
10:45pm - The bottom line for me: this movie isn't bad enough. Lohan is pretty atrocious, but I've seen her in at least two other movies where she was worse.
10:47pm - "I killed my brother." I really thought he was going to say, "I know who killed me."
10:48pm - She's wearing her third kimono whilst having a nervous breakdown. That has to be some kind of record.
10:49pm - Coughing fit #27.
10:50pm - She's now pushing 50, and they seriously haven't put any makeup/prosthetics on her.
10:51pm - "We should have just lived on a boat." You did. Around 10:30pm.
10:52pm - UM. We have eight minutes left. Where is Delta Burke?
10:52pm - Lohan is in a hospital bed dressed like Rosie the Riveter. No one on screen has mentioned it.
10:55pm - I'm really not clear on how they can possibly wrap this up in less than five minutes. It's still 1975ish.
10:57pm - Oh my god. This isn't going to be over in three minutes, is it? THIS IS GOING TO LAST UNTIL 11:30PM. NO NO NO NO.
10:59pm - DELTA BURKE! YES!
11:00pm - I'm still not convinced Lohan has any makeup on.
11:01pm - "Forever an ocean....forever an ocean." Yes, this is probably how it had to end.


At 4:15 PM, Blogger Firestarter said...

These are questions that will keep us all out of the existential abyss as it were. I don't think this will be as funny as Mean Girls, but I could be wrong.

At 8:06 PM, Blogger Firestarter said...

THis blog is better than Liz & Dick


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