Miley Cyrus Skinned The Little Mermaid And Wore Her Tail to the Oscars.
If Ariel had just stayed in the kingdom and performed with her sisters like King Triton wanted, this would never have happened.
Oscars 2K9 has come and gone, but in its wake we're left with the remnants of a giant shitfest, courtesy of too many people to name. There were many giant hits (K-WIZZLE!) and misses (the horrendously directed In Memorium, in which you couldn't see Cyd Charisse's name because apparently it's a real treat to watch Latifah slog her way through tuneless shizzle), and Weenie Enema will supply the highlights and lowlights for those unwillingly to sit through a quarter of a day watching pretty people congratulate and laud each other.
"I'd like to thank Jack Dawson, who froze to death so that I might live and win this prestigious award."
1. As already mentioned, K-Wizzle has finally snagged the Oscar she deserved for almost drowning in the North Atlantic and getting shot at by Billy Zane, stolen at the last minute by the mediocrity of Helen Hunt in As Good As It Gets. Despite being 11 years late, it was a real treat to see one of the premier actresses in the world getting her due - and besting Meryl in one of her stronger nomination years. Meryl, demure and noble in defeat (it HAS happened 13 times now), also treated the public to an excellent hairdo that was clearly inspired by Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct, minus the poon flashing. For that, we are grateful.
2. So there was no question that the Brangelina/Aniston drama goodness was going to be at the fore this year. For all of its entertainment value, it does make one question how truly evil the organizers of the awards show have to be to not only get Jennifer to present TWO awards, ensuring her presence on the stage for at least five minutes, but putting her basically TWO FEET from the other two equilateral angles in that cursed love triangle. Who wouldn't choke a little from that kind of pressure? Sadly, it wasn't surprising when Jen's comedic timing, a bit rusty since Friends went off the air, was slightly a kilter during a badly written banter with Jack Black. What did the directors of this noble show do when she stumbled for a second? Well...what would YOU cut to?
At this point, I think Jennifer Aniston has won the right to never go to any televised awards show ever again. That said, it's pretty amazing that the wretched drama lived up the hype for yet another day.
3. For some reason, the decision to get five previous winners to present the award in their respective categories has been pretty polarizing. I LOVED IT. You clearly can't do that every year, as you'd run out of people in less than 10 years, but they should definitely keep this one in storage for a good time in the distant future. They could have picked some real douches for this, like Gwyneth or Julia Roberts, but were largely successful. It would be interesting to see how they arrived at the decision for who got to introduce each nominee, as some of them didn't seem right. For instance, wouldn't it have made much more sense for Julie Andrews to get the Anne Hathaway assignment? She's a former Best Actress winner and was her co-star in the movies that jump started her career. Very baffling. And as much as I consider Sophia Loren a fairly legit legend in her own right, she's no Meryl, but who is? Ideally, I would have dug up Katherine Hepburn's corpse to deliver that speech. And if I WERE forced to select a living actress, I'd probably go with Olivia de Havilland or Joanne Woodward, both of whom probably aren't up to teleprompter reading, but a Weenie Enema can dream.
"Meryl, you were WONDERFUL in Doubt. Almost as good as I was in The Heiress and Gone with the Wind!" <3<3<3
1. Beyonce? Really? As much as I appreciate the millions of calories Hugh Jackman burned up in rehearsing his mother dance routines, this isn't a 1950s musical - there's a reason Hollywood isn't chomping at the bit to remake An American in Paris and Gigi. I myself don't know how to successfully navigate the line between retro badassness and stale shiz, but neither does Hugh. I get that the dude doesn't really do comedy, but all homie had to do was walk on stage like this and instantly win the approval of millions:
Having never seen the movies, I'm mildly surprised to see that Wolverine appears to have some sort of wolf ear things to go with his claws. Interesting. Which reminds me - Halle Berry was there. Couldn't they have done an X-Men skit? It would have been infinitely better than Beyonce lip-synching her way down a staircase with the cast of High School Musical. Is the Academy THAT desperate to capture the tween demographic?
2. Natalie Portman was subjected to ruthless treatment by the Academy in 2005 when they thought Cate Blanchett's mimicking, trouser-wearing Hepburn imitation exceeded her superb performance in Closer. Frankly, Natalie has every right to ignore their existence until they rectify this error and put her on the podium - preferably at Blanchett's expense. But Portman is a better person than I, and having been given an invitation to present an award, not only showed up, but looked even better than she did four years ago (was it really that long ago?) when she showed up straight out of a Latin textbook.
Natalie est melior quam Blanchett.
Anyway, what does she get for her troubles? She's given the thankless task of playing the straight man for Ben Stiller's Joaquin Phoenix imitation, thus being totally and unfairly overshadowed once again. Sigh.
3. I had a few people over for a quiet Oscar get-together, which included Drunk Erin and 2007 Emma Grimshaw Letter Writing Contest winner Steven. Before the festivities got under way at 6 (I watch EVERYTHING), we decided to have an intense drinking game, which included taking a swig when the camera cut from Brangelina directly to Aniston (it happened several times) and whenever we saw someone on the red carpet and immediately asked, "What the hell are they doing there?" Since Jennifer Grey and the aforementioned mermaid snatcher were invited, it meant much liquid consumption. I stuck to Diet Pepsi, but I had a bottle of Cuervo left over from a party last summer, which I mistakenly gave to Steve. Of course, Steve ended up drinking pretty much the entire bottle by hour two, and passed out shortly thereafter. This meant that I had to turn the TV up during K-Wizzle's acceptance speech because SOMEONE was snoring. Loudly. Growl.
I will now leave you with a little white pony.