Saturday, December 31, 2005

2005: The Yummy, the Genocide, and the Mouthdropping Lunacy.

I have decided to end my self-imposed exile/hiatus and offer a rousing commentary on the last 365 days or so. Rather than do a countdown, which I basically do at least three times a month, I have merely handpicked what I have deemed to be the most amazing moments of 2005. Some of them will only be intimately understood by a select few, but I more than make up for that bias with the puggle section alone.


In February, as happens most days, I developed an insatiable craving for the bovine. Rather than go over to the Roll n' Roaster on 3rd and 11th (which does horrible creepy things to their cows. I can't even discuss this without metaphorically bowing my head in respect for the bovines that had to endure such despicable treatment at the hands of those ruffians), I went on and looked for a respectable hamburger eatery. The first one on the list was Rare on 37th and Lexington. Weenie Brian had also become hungry at this point, and both he and Devra wandered outside with me in sub-zero weather to walk over to this establishment. It was a hellish journey. The wind had picked up and assaulted us ala Bobby Brown. But damned if we weren't rewarded for our fortitude when we stepped into that haven of bovine sexuality. Best burgers ever. Best fries ever. Quite possibly the most amazing random rewarding endeavor in the history of Emma.

Picture TONS of people, mostly 30-something businessmen cradling their Coronoas.

Terri Schaivo/Riding the Bus with my Sister Jokes.

The question is not whether or not I'm going to hell; it's for exactly WHAT reason. Is it because I dismissed the political implications of the Terri Schiavo case immediately and concentrated on the politically incorrect jokes instead? Is it because I thought they should have injected her with cyanide on day two? Oooh is it because I'm comparing a human vegetable with Rosie O'Donnell's gut-wrenchingly putrid portrayal of a retarded girl riding a bus? I could seriously do this all day.
What a ridiculous waste of the public's time on both counts. It should be noted that while the world was focused on Terri Schiavo, the fucking KYRGYZSTAN government collapsed while this was going on, and I was basically the only person talking about it. If I had had a blog at that point in time...mad awards. Nobel Prize? Insert Tookie joke. None of us have the time or resources to go into why she is a subhuman waste. I would probably start with that ridiculous "blog" she has that a blue-assed monkey could better maintain. Jesus. She writes in...I guess you would call it verse, because it's a bunch of illiterate crap in poem form. You'd think someone else would have picked up on the fact that she's a)illiterate b) a horrible actress who did her best work in the Flinstones c) not worth reading. Nope. Go to her train wreck of a site. That woman gets like 500 comments per post. I throw a party if I get one comment. The culmination of her uselessness came during the Hallmark presentation of "Riding the Bus With My Sister," which has to be considered Ed Woodian and lethal to the general populace.
We somehow managed to benefit from these two temporary cultural fixtures though:
"Terri is dying, people! Her light is growing fainter! Her voice is so low I can scarcely hear what she's saying! She says...she says she thinks she could get well again if children believed in fairies. Do you believe? If you believe, clap your hands."
"Today's brain twister: Would you rather be O.J.'s girlfriend or Michael Schaivo's fiancee?"
"I would give my left nut to see a making of documentary, just to hear Angelica Huston's direction: 'Rosie, let's see a little more underbite. And whenever you touch something, be sure to stroke it, like Lenny from "Of Mice and Men."'"
"The only thing that could save this now would be if Rosie goes on a rampage on the bus, stabbing all the other passengers with safety scissors while yelling, 'I'm a person!' Then she goes to trial but can't get the death penalty because she's retarded."
In conclusion, I will be going to the frozen lake in the ninth circle, but will be chuckling all the way down.

Hugh Laurie.

Technically, House came on the air in late 2004, but the world fell madly in love in 2005, hence him making our coveted list. An honorable mention goes to his co-star/perfect orgasmic comedic foil Robert Sean Leonard, who battled back from suicide in Dead Poets Society to become a respected medical authority at a Princeton hospital. Everyone in the world should drop whatever they're doing and watch one of the millions of episodes Fox runs every night. It's an incredibly badass show, and Hugh Laurie has one of the best American accents ever. People that are not fans of acerbic wit will find this show lacking, but I don't believe that either of my two readers fall into that category. It's deliciousness, it's insanity, it's a hot gimpy doctor who plays the piano. And if he doesn't win the Golden Globe on the 16th...heads will roll like the wolf.


I'm sorry. I had to mention it. She went from Joey Potter to Lizzie Borden without the axe...which I suspect is still pretty creepy, even without the parental blood on the hands. But I won't waste more valuable space talking about how annoying this pairing is. I feel the most noteworthy aspect of this saga is the herpes on Katie Holmes' mouth. Come on. "Wtf."

I love that all you have to do to find these pictures is to type katie holmes herpes on Yahoo.

Charles Fink and Other Facebook Experiments.

Finky, I think that's the wrong year.
Around March, Malsta and I got really bored and decided to make a ton of friends from our dorm through Facebook. We actually managed to get a few into our apartment, though our dorm was composed of crazy schizo people for the most part who were seeking refuge at Alumni Hall to get away from people like us. Shrug. Charles Fink was by far the most rewarding of our friendship attempts. An exceptionally odd individual, Mr. Fink was employed at Radio City Music Hall at the time, and spent his free moments ghost hunting in California. When he went to see the Aviator with me and Devra (his third time) he kept leaving right before the nude scenes. Neither of us have a clue what that was about, since Leonardo DiCaprio's body is nothing to write home about. Is his body capable of developing muscle tissue? Fink's nudity disappearances were only the beginning. The selling point for me was the fact that he lived in John Steinbeck's hometown. It doesn't take much. At any rate, to cap off this resounding Facebook success, he fucked a Rockette, got fired, and gets his kicks being a drag queen. Yeah. I don't know.

Shudder times four.

The Oscar Party.
That picture segways nicely into the Most Successful Shindig in Emma History. Blue Mego and I decided to have a party because Natalie Portman was totally supposed to win an Oscar. Rather than pay for food and decorations, we got the dorm to sponsor the party and pay for everything. It was insanely badass. We were almost thwarted in our efforts because our cunty RA was being...cunty, and she told us she was going to get soda, and LIED. CUNT. We managed to get the soda ourselves, but God damn. If you didn't want to get the soda, fucking say so. Anyway, the party was an insane success, we had about 80 people in there, as well as some totally badass Oscar decorations courtesy of yours truly. I printed out weird pictures of the nominees and taped them to balloons. I should be an interior designer or something equally amazing. Yes, I know. Natalie didn't win because the Cate Blanchett Overacting Doucheface took it home, but it was clearly supposed to go to Portman. On a sidenote, Charles Fink called me seconds after Cate won to just go 'HA!' and hang up. Truly lives up to his last name.

However, Million Dollar Baby beat the Shitty Martin Scorcese Movie, and Hillary Swank kicked major ass. After she won, she fucking went to a fast food place to get a burger. I had that picture up on my wall for months.

Expect something insane to go down at Weenie Enema when the Oscars roll around this time. Major shizzle is getting thrown down - Brokeback style.

The Horses from Gulliver's Travels.

I know. You're rolling your eyes and thinking, "Is she STILL on those fucking talking horses?" Sorry. But those horses (coupled with an award-winning treatise called "In Defense of Horses That Walk Upright") netted this girl an A in that creepy 18th Century Novel class. I am indebted to the Houyhnhnms for life. In a class where I had to read some of the worst books ever, the fourth book of Gulliver's Travels was far and away the most incredible fucking thing I read this year. I strongly recommend this Wikipedia article about the horses. Your soul will thank you.

Big Bear's Makeover.
Big Bear, my one and only true BFF and loyal companion since November of 1984, has been deteriorating at a pretty consistent rate for two decades now, and the end of the year brought with it a limp neck that made his head roll dangerously far back, and something dramatic needed to be done. Big Bear was given a sort of brown velvet neck brace that keeps his head upright, and he looks more noble than ever.

This picture should be vaguely familiar to most loyal readers. Although a Russian paw is obscuring the important qualities, you can see that he has new big black eyes, and his little brown bowtie is almost visible. Don't they look related? Swoon.

As badass as 2005 was, 2006 is going to include top-secret work on the Great American Historical Novel with Devra Bogangles, making enough money to finally fulfill my dream of spending a night at the Times Square Marriott, the re-election of Hillary Clinton as New York Senator, and perhaps another appearance in the NY Post. Word fucking up.

Before I forget, I hereby nominate this picture as Picture of the Year:

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Transit Strikes are More Useless Than Decaffeinated Coffee or Anal Fissures.

I wasn't planning on writing again until after Thursday, when I am done with school forever. But since transit workers are giant cuntsacks, I got to work from home and thus had an hour to spare that would otherwise have been used for commuting purposes. However, I already wrote my soliloquey about why I hate strikes, so I don't feel like doing it again. Instead, I held an informal chatroom session to gauge the opinions of my loyal comrades.

For better understanding:
MyDadIsAWeenie - E. E. Grimshaw
HeroOfTimeLoZ - Kunal Dagli
HurricainFran - Drunk Erin
RumberoNYK - Anthony Salazar
devilishnyc - Devra Bogangles
OrangeX6 - Abbi Leman
RuSsIan MaRiAcHi - Igor Rusinov
Swooo705 - Swooo Dog

You have just entered room "strikebojangles."
HeroOfTimeLoZ: i think it'll be tough to find someone in support of the strike
HeroOfTimeLoZ: which means this forum will be biased
MyDadIsAWeenie: i bet i can find one
HeroOfTimeLoZ: who doesn't work for mta?
MyDadIsAWeenie: drunk erin, you are going to moderate
MyDadIsAWeenie: because you're from michigan and stuff
HurricainFran: Don't make me be useful
MyDadIsAWeenie: anthony, what do you think about the transit strike
RumberoNYK: it's a pain in the ass
MyDadIsAWeenie: granted, but do you support their right to strike
RumberoNYK: i paid 15 bucks to go to 57th and 9th
MyDadIsAWeenie: you did not!
RumberoNYK: and 15 to get back
RumberoNYK: yes
MyDadIsAWeenie: good god
HeroOfTimeLoZ: the cabs are running on some different system
MyDadIsAWeenie: yeah, they have zones and shizzle
RumberoNYK: yeea they're doing car pools
HeroOfTimeLoZ: it's ridiculous squared
MyDadIsAWeenie: squared?
HeroOfTimeLoZ: correct
MyDadIsAWeenie: hmm i wonder who the math major here is
HeroOfTimeLoZ: not exponentiated
HeroOfTimeLoZ: but just squared

devilishnyc: I hate unions
devilishnyc: all of them
HurricainFran: am I supposed to be doing something? Cuz I'm having an interesting conversation about vaginas with my roommate, so Im not really paying attention
RumberoNYK: people suck
MyDadIsAWeenie: devra and i have a cool idea
MyDadIsAWeenie: that involves replacing the transit workers with dominican immigrants
MyDadIsAWeenie: it will so work
MyDadIsAWeenie: abbi, why don't you share your story
MyDadIsAWeenie: you didn't even get into manhattan
OrangeX6: i worked from home
OrangeX6: but im walking tomorrow
MyDadIsAWeenie: from park slope?
OrangeX6: yeah
MyDadIsAWeenie: that's insane
OrangeX6: go me
OrangeX6: yeah
OrangeX6: thats part of the appeal
MyDadIsAWeenie: my mom told me to hitchhike
OrangeX6: thats what everyone did
RuSsIan MaRiAcHi has entered the room.
MyDadIsAWeenie: igor!
RuSsIan MaRiAcHi: yo
MyDadIsAWeenie: what is your stance on the strike
RuSsIan MaRiAcHi: umm i think its stupid
RuSsIan MaRiAcHi: but i am not in ny
RuSsIan MaRiAcHi: so i dont know much
MyDadIsAWeenie: but you will be
RuSsIan MaRiAcHi: si si
MyDadIsAWeenie: we need to find a pro-union person
MyDadIsAWeenie: hmmm
HurricainFran: Mediation! Mediation!
MyDadIsAWeenie: drunk erin, this is the last time i give you a mediation job
HurricainFran: thanks
MyDadIsAWeenie: drunk erin, what are your alcholic-drenched thoughts about the strike
HurricainFran: strikes...are good for hitting children
devilishnyc: THEY ARE
HurricainFran: Yay! Someone agrees with me!
MyDadIsAWeenie: whoa
MyDadIsAWeenie: that reminds me of a roald dahl novel
MyDadIsAWeenie: that no one else will admit they read
HurricainFran: Wasnt there one about a witch? I like witches.
MyDadIsAWeenie: it was called the witches
devilishnyc: the only good thing angelica ever did
MyDadIsAWeenie: what!
MyDadIsAWeenie: that isn't true!
devilishnyc: she is a big ugly man
MyDadIsAWeenie: um, addams family values anyone?
devilishnyc: yeah i guess.
devilishnyc: raul julia is my favorite
devilishnyc: i would do him
devilishnyc: but i can't cause he is dead
HurricainFran: Speaking of corpses, whatever happened to Ted Dansen?

RuSsIan MaRiAcHi: wooow wat is going on??
RuSsIan MaRiAcHi: i am so confused
MyDadIsAWeenie: we were discussing the merits or lack thereof of one angelica huston, and then necrophilia came up
RuSsIan MaRiAcHi: alrite my russian two cents are that Strikes sux, you cannot have unions striking against a communist government because a communist government is a Union in itself
RuSsIan MaRiAcHi: wait
MyDadIsAWeenie: ...
RuSsIan MaRiAcHi: we are not in communist govt
RuSsIan MaRiAcHi: ....
MyDadIsAWeenie: wow.
RuSsIan MaRiAcHi: alrite IR Final tomoro
RuSsIan MaRiAcHi: peace
MyDadIsAWeenie: does ir stand for inna rudman
RuSsIan MaRiAcHi: or Igor Rusinov for that matter
RuSsIan MaRiAcHi: budum ts
devilishnyc: WOW
MyDadIsAWeenie: WHOA
MyDadIsAWeenie: that looks like gibberish, but totally makes sense
devilishnyc: yeah
MyDadIsAWeenie: there fucking must be SOMEone that's pro-union
HurricainFran: want me to pretend to be pro-union?
MyDadIsAWeenie: what would you say in their defense
HurricainFran: the union rocks, man
MyDadIsAWeenie: why does the union rock
HurricainFran: because they have cops that fine me lots of money when I jump the turnstyle thingie
devilishnyc: I <3 unions
devilishnyc: per sempre
devilishnyc: that is a good argument
MyDadIsAWeenie: your arguments are thinner than calista
HurricainFran: I think she died

Swooo705 has entered the room.
Swooo705: emmaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
MyDadIsAWeenie: i have a question
Swooo705: what upppppp
MyDadIsAWeenie: what is your position on the transit strike
Swooo705: okay
Swooo705: this is what i think
Swooo705: i was watching the news earlier and this guy really affected me
MyDadIsAWeenie: who was he
Swooo705: a guy who work for transit
MyDadIsAWeenie: YES
MyDadIsAWeenie: so you support their right to strike
Swooo705: they are getting paid nothingggggggggggg
Swooo705: cause from what the guy was saying he was like its so hard for me to suport my family
MyDadIsAWeenie: i feel like it would be harder to support them if he's on strike and the transit union gets fined $1 million a day
Swooo705: yeh
Swooo705: i have a question
Swooo705: if i were to go to the city tomorrow would i be able to get around?
MyDadIsAWeenie: that depends where you want to go
MyDadIsAWeenie: i mean, you can figuratively get anywhere, but it'll probably cost you
Swooo705: yeh

...and then my connection died and the conversation ended.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Do Not See Movies About Gay Cowboys in Chelsea Unless You're A Gay Guy.

3.7 stars.
The Brokeback Mountain Obsession is a condition that has lasted three years. I was squealing about this casting with Malsta when I was in ITALY. Perspective. At that point, I was going through a Dawson's Creek renaissance and realized that a) Joey should have been with Dawson from Season 1, Episode 11 to the series finale and b) Michelle Williams was one of the most underappreciated actresses ever. Ergo, I was keeping close tabs on her upcoming projects, and one of them happened to be about Wyoming gay cowboys.
All of this came to a head on Thursday night, when the Malsta, Abbi, Abbi's roommate who looks like a cross between David Duchovny and Morrissey, and I went to the first possible screening of Brokeback - in Chelsea. In the rectal cavity of the gay community. Never ever EVER do what I did. It was beyond frightening. By my estimation, a theater of that size holds approximately 450 people. Counting ourselves, there were eight girls there. If a vulnerable naked teenage girl was looking for the safest place to watch a movie, that was definitely it, although there were two hardcore lesbians in the front row that might have made it interesting. far as the eye can see.

So the movie eventually starts, and within 30 seconds, the screen goes out of focus. The gays go APESHIT. This one nutjob motherfucker who wore a COWBOY HAT to this bolts up and runs out to alert the projectionist. People are screeching, "Focus!" There was a rumble a-brewing. I haven't been that scared since the guy at the Fern Cliff bodega kept calling me and leaving weird Spanglish messages on my voicemail. They managed to get the picture back to normal, but the gay guys never really shut up. I suppose it makes sense; considering how excited I was about this movie, it makes sense that Chelsea was 1000 times more excited. When Heath drunkenly stumbles into the pup tent about a minute before the first (and really only) sex scene takes place, everyone around us was squealing, "Here it comes! OMG!" So not kidding.

At some point, I should really start talking about the movie. There was no way this could have been as good as I wanted it to be. If you've read the short story - it's probably better. It's more concise, and the movie adds needless development of some of the other characters, which is really annoying. The best parts of this movie are completely focused on Heath and Jake, and it loses focus in the second half when it branches out from that.

The first part of this movie is absolutely insanely incredible. The first hour or so is dedicated to the actual activities on Brokeback Mountain, where Heath and Jake fall in love. The scenery is gorgeous, there isn't any extraneous dialogue and by the time they leave the mountain, it's so obviously not about gay pride or butt loving, although something tells me that 98% of the audience is going to disagree with me on this. They're wrong though, so it's irrelevent.

Heath is insanely good. I told several people that he was Brando-esque (and by that, I am referring to the early 1950s, not to 1990s bloated Dr. Moreau bullshit). If you saw Monster's Ball, it channels a lot of that pent-up rage and sadness, and it's just fucking incredible. It puts Joaquin to shame. There, I said it.
Everyone would be talking about Jake if Heath wasn't god-like. The problem is, his character isn't as strong, and it shows. It's still a great performance, but I don't know what the hell they were doing with that fake Groucho mustache in the 1970s sequences.

You have no idea how hard it was to even find that. Clearly, Jake is destroying all of those pictures, and I don't blame him.

If Michelle Williams doesn't win Best Supporting Actress for this, my faith in humanity will be completely shot to hell. Even though she shows her boobs, which I'm morally opposed to because Dawson alum shouldn't showcase the wares, she has this unbelievable look on her face when she sees Heath making out with Jake. She should win on that alone. But back to the audience for a second. This is another reason the Chelsea audience bites it. When that happens, it's not intended as amusing; she just caught her husband with his tongue in another guy's mouth. However, the gay guys were ROARING at this, and come to think of it, they laughed at several other points in the movie that they shouldn't have. Growl.

My husband only likes to have sex with me if it's anal. I wonder if something's wrong?

Ann Hathaway. Now...she's not as good as Michelle, and she legitimately takes her D-cups and shoves them at the camera, but she was still pretty damn good. Her character has to morph from a giddy cowgirl to a frosty cuntsack by the end of the movie, and she represented like the wolf. The wigs though. Jesus fucking Christ, you'd think that they could have hired real make-up and wardrobe people for this thing, instead of someone like me, but hell, what do I know.

Baby, you're fooling NO ONE.

Towards the end of the movie, Jake yells at Heath for not giving in to love or whatnot, and he says, "All we got is Brokeback." That's really the only problem with this movie. Everything in the second half is driven by that shit on the mountain, and it had nowhere to go but downhill. Literally. Heh. It's still a fantastic movie, despite some extra scenes with Heath's weird fuckbuddy waitress and his daughter, and the scene with the shirts is just the fucking most incredible thing ever. You can find the story online here. It's 17 pages, it'll take you about 20 minutes. I heartily recommend it. The world should see this movie - just not with a bunch of Chelsea boys with raging hard-ons screeching and vicariously having sex with the main characters.

On a sidenote, the amazing badass blogger Karol from Alarming News has agreed to do a blog interview. This will mark the first time we have a legitimate person to interview, meaning Drunk Erin is not allowed to participate.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Is This Movie About A Country Music Star Or Amphetamines?

3.05 stars.

I hate biopics. Unless your name is Hillary Clinton, a movie about your life probably isn't going to be that interesting. Even then, there's a big gap between October 26, 1947 and, say, January 17, 1998 where Hill's life could be considered - gasp - boring to the general populace. Clearly, I think her entire life is fascinating, especially when she went Commie in law school and then hid it for decades.

So I didn't really want to see this movie, not least of all because I don't like country music, and the only Johnny Cash music I had heard previous to this movie was in a short scene in The Shawshank Redemption and in the trailor for the movie currently under discussion. Why did I go? Firstly, because it's an Oscar contender, and I feel weird if I'm out of the pretentious film loop come February. Secondly, I HEART Reese Witherspoon, even though she was such a cunt in Pleasantville. Thirdly, I was hoping it wouldn't be the redneck version of Ray.

OMG! It's Paul Walker in his only good movie!

To see this movie, I had to make mad sacrifices. The Russian made me go to a fucking SHEEPSHEAD BAY theater, which was scary and looked like a parking garage. I don't know how anyone can even find it. It has no exterior that explains it's a movie theater. I feel, next to having a supply of movies on hand, it's kind of important to let the populace know you're a movie theater. Anyway.

Walk the Line has some of the most badass acting ever, which makes up for the fact that it's a biopic about someone that's not that interesting. For a change, they should make a biopic about a music star that DIDN'T get addicted to meds and bang women all the time. Off the top of my head, I can only think of one person that fits that description.

Definitely NOT banging women all the time, though I suppose the meds thing has yet to be proven out over the long run.

Since most of the movie is about Johnny Cash being addicted to pills, they don't spend a lot of time on the period leading up to his fame, which I liked. That's the problem with so many biopics - they think the audience wants to see a budding musical star turned down repeatedly until finally, after 90 minutes, he gets a recording contract. No. Nobody likes that. Unless you liked Ray. Then you probably like things like that. So within about 20 minutes, Johnny Cash is relatively famous, and he's driving around the South on a country music tour with Elvis and Jerry Lee Lewis. I gave this movie a star simply for casting a weird Dawson Leery lookalike with a forehead the size of Angola as Jerry Lewis.

And he has hair on his shoulders. No thanks.

Both Joaquin and Reese were incredible. They're both getting nominations. (See three posts ago where I explained that I give everyone in every movie nominations.) I may be the only person that thinks Reese was better, and maybe I'm biased, but I feel she had the more difficult role here. Joaquin was practically playing a cultural caricature, which is not to say he wasn't amazing playing it. But you could almost see him thinking about how to approach each scene. "Okay, in this scene, I'm going to look tormented and have sweat pouring off my face...and I should probably throw some meaningful glances over at Reese. Oooh! I should sneer too!"

Sullen bojangles.

Reese's role was infinitely more interesting. They should have done this movie about June Carter Cash. Her emotions are more conflicted because she's actually in her right mind for this entire movie. Why is she attracted to a profusely sweating pill-popper? Your guess is as good as mine. Maybe it's the baritone of sex. I thought they kind of glossed over her own issues, like the fact that she has a propensity to marry scum and does it three different times, by my count.

I've always thought the best way to tell if someone was a good actor was to take a look at three or four movies that they've done and see if the people they play are any different. Somehow, Helen Hunt ALWAYS plays Helen Hunt. Helen Hunt as a storm chaser, Helen Hunt as a waitress who has weird sexual tension with Jack Nicholson, Helen Hunt as Haley Joel Osment's alcoholic mother. Reese always seems to play someone that's different and just coincidentally looks like her. Annette Hargrove, prudish virginal insanity in Cruel Intentions. Evelyn Williams, soulless, mentally unstable fiancee of Christian Bale in American Psycho. Tracy Flick, evil cunty girl we all knew in high school in Election. The only similarity between them is that they look the same. Go Reese. If this turns into a Reese versus Keira fest come February...

AND...the T-1000 from Terminator 2 is an alcoholic father in this.

Linda Hamilton, shoot me again and I'll cut you...down there.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

An Interview Gone Wrong: The Jeffrey Grimshaw Debacle.

I have gotten several requests over the past few weeks to interview Jeffrey Grimshaw, a man who helped create me in December of 1983. Against my better nature, I convinced Jeffrey to go online for the first time in five years and submit to questioning.

For better understanding:
MyDadIsAWeenie - E. E. Grimshaw
bellasnodoubt - J
BlueVlvt6 - Jeffrey Grimshaw
QuietAmerican283 - Maximillion Bojangles
BRags753 - Bobbie Ragsdale
HurricainFran - Drunk Erin
Sanock42 - Mikey Sanocki
devilishnyc - Devra Bogangles
Grrrrlvicious - Grrrrlvicious
SweetPie91285 - Inna Rudman
angelfisheyny - Michelle

You have just entered room "jeffreygrimshawbojangles."
bellasnodoubt: what are we doing?
MyDadIsAWeenie: we are interviewing
MyDadIsAWeenie: jeffrey grimshaw
MyDadIsAWeenie: as soon as he figures out how to get in
BlueVlvt6 has entered the room.
MyDadIsAWeenie: this is monumental
MyDadIsAWeenie: like the wolf
QuietAmerican283 has entered the room.
QuietAmerican283: Hi everyone
bellasnodoubt: hi jeffrey
bellasnodoubt: its jocelyn
BlueVlvt6: Hi.
bellasnodoubt: i am honored to meet you jeffrey
BlueVlvt6: Thank you.
bellasnodoubt: jeffrey: can you tell me about the time you went vegan to meet girls?
BlueVlvt6: It never happened. My daughter put a fake profile of me on ""
MyDadIsAWeenie: WHAT
MyDadIsAWeenie: this is slander
QuietAmerican283: hahaha
bellasnodoubt: thats a lie, you moby inpersonator
MyDadIsAWeenie: you fucking took that profile
MyDadIsAWeenie: and put your own pictures on it
MyDadIsAWeenie: and communicated with the vegans on that site
MyDadIsAWeenie: so don't even
BlueVlvt6: I did later remove the insane false information and put up pictures, true.
BRags753: I would like to know why Emma is currently petrified of cacti...
HurricainFran has entered the room
BlueVlvt6: Is this the Erin who busted one of the panes in my French doors when you broke into my apartment through the basement?
MyDadIsAWeenie: different erin.
HurricainFran: Hahahhahha I wish I was that Erin
bellasnodoubt: how do you feel about your wife being married to a man whose name sounds like pedifile?
Sanock42: Wouldn't it be ex-wife?
bellasnodoubt: yes his ex-wife
bellasnodoubt: answer my q jeffrey
bellasnodoubt: dont blue ball me
BlueVlvt6: As far as I know, my ex-wife is still married to Dimitri Kulek.
HurricainFran: Jeffrey, do you prefer Sissy Spacek or Ashlee Simpson?
BlueVlvt6: Sissy if we're talking like 1976.
HurricainFran: If we're talkin 1976, Ashlee's not born yet. We're talkin today
MyDadIsAWeenie: jeffrey, you need to learn to answer questions in a prompt fashion
bellasnodoubt: seriously jeffrey
BlueVlvt6: What question?
HurricainFran: Did you only have one child because Emma's such a crazy?
BlueVlvt6: Yeah, pretty much.
MyDadIsAWeenie: asshole
bellasnodoubt: leave emma alone jeffrey
HurricainFran: Why is Jocelyn sucking up to Emma?
devilishnyc: yeah.
BlueVlvt6: We were afraid she'd set any further babies on fire.
bellasnodoubt: LOL
bellasnodoubt: LOL
bellasnodoubt: LOL
devilishnyc: HAHAH
bellasnodoubt: LOL
MyDadIsAWeenie: you are such a cunt
bellasnodoubt: tell us about the time emma got her first period and how that made you feel
devilishnyc: OOo
HurricainFran: I hate period questions
devilishnyc: me too
QuietAmerican283: christ, jocelyn you have no shame
BlueVlvt6: I don't know about "first" period, but the one where she soaked my sheets with blood so it looked like an Al Qieda execution cell was pretty memorable.
QuietAmerican283: hahahahaha
bellasnodoubt: gross
BRags753: heh
MyDadIsAWeenie: that never happened
devilishnyc: HAHA emma PADS WITH WINGS!
BlueVlvt6: I had to throw out the frigging BOX SPRING, Emma.
bellasnodoubt: jeffrey did you ever question your sexuality?
BlueVlvt6: Nah.
bellasnodoubt: have you ever kissed a guy?
BlueVlvt6: Only on stage.
bellasnodoubt: my arse
HurricainFran: Its okay if you haven't, Jeffrey, neither has Jocelyn
QuietAmerican283: emma why are you always bleeding on stuff
MyDadIsAWeenie: what else have i bled on
QuietAmerican283: um, the blanket that you still use
QuietAmerican283: which still has blood on it
MyDadIsAWeenie: can we discuss your similarity to moby
BlueVlvt6: We're dead ringers from the ears up.
HurricainFran: and from the belt down?
MyDadIsAWeenie: EW
devilishnyc: ew
bellasnodoubt: you have herpes too?
BlueVlvt6: No idea.
MyDadIsAWeenie: since when does moby have herpes
bellasnodoubt: thats what i heard
HurricainFran: Jocelyn gave them to him
bellasnodoubt: fuck you erin
bellasnodoubt: this slander is ridic
devilishnyc: i gave the herpes to jocelyn
devilishnyc: maxi gave them to me
bellasnodoubt: and kunal gave them to him
devilishnyc: it is a chain of people who know emma who slept with each other
devilishnyc: or put open cold sore to orifice
HurricainFran: ok, my roommate and I have to go write a sequel to Herbie, about a shopping cart with tourettes who also rapes people
MyDadIsAWeenie: you never answered brags question
MyDadIsAWeenie: from forever ago
BRags753: indeed
devilishnyc: is brags here?
BlueVlvt6: Which one?
BRags753: Why is Emma afraid of cacti
BlueVlvt6: The cactus thing is new to me. I know she's a little leery of my Chia Pet.
MyDadIsAWeenie: WHAT
MyDadIsAWeenie: there's nothing GROWING from your chia pet
devilishnyc: what kind of chia pet do you have
BlueVlvt6: Chia Hippo.
devilishnyc: is it elmer fudd or like a
devilishnyc: oh
MyDadIsAWeenie: brags is referring to the time you neglected me
MyDadIsAWeenie: and i fell in the cacti
BlueVlvt6: Oh. Well, the jury is still out on the "fell" part.
BlueVlvt6: It appeared to most observers you just sort of parked yourself in a cactus patch.
devilishnyc: uh, can jeffrey grimshaw actually BE a bojangles, emma?
QuietAmerican283: yeah that would mean that I'm related to him somehow
BlueVlvt6: No, I can't be a bojangles.
devilishnyc: i am not a bojangles
devilishnyc: I AM A BOGANGLE
GrrrrlVicious has entered the room.
GrrrrlVicious: hello.
devilishnyc: grrrrlvicious IS here!
SweeT Pie91285 has entered the room.
MyDadIsAWeenie: inna is here
MyDadIsAWeenie: for a cameo appearance, but she has to go study and shizzle
SweeT Pie91285: Hello...
BlueVlvt6: Hi, Inna.
SweeT Pie91285 has left the room.
MyDadIsAWeenie: jeffrey, how come in my baby book
MyDadIsAWeenie: under possible baby names
MyDadIsAWeenie: mom has stuff like james, emma, cornelia
MyDadIsAWeenie: and you have charlie and mr. beef
MyDadIsAWeenie: i want to know why you didn't love the foetus growing in your wife's uterus
MyDadIsAWeenie: and wanted to give it bad names
BlueVlvt6: I wanted to give it good names but I was overruled.
GrrrrlVicious: that's awesome. I want to name my first kid Mr. beef.
BlueVlvt6: But you'll always be "Mr. Beef" to me.
devilishnyc: that is the most endearing thing i have ever heard!
MyDadIsAWeenie: can we talk about how you used to have to pee and shit on the side of the road
BlueVlvt6: True.
BlueVlvt6: I have one of those cars without a bathroom.
MyDadIsAWeenie: remember the time
MyDadIsAWeenie: you had to shit on route 12
MyDadIsAWeenie: and mom put the hazard lights
MyDadIsAWeenie: on
MyDadIsAWeenie: so every other second we could see you shitting
devilishnyc: HAHAHAH
BlueVlvt6: I recall it as kind of a strobe effect, myself.
devilishnyc: like a rave
devilishnyc: but fun
devilishnyc: i would go to that rave
MyDadIsAWeenie: okay jeffrey, what are your thoughts about winona
MyDadIsAWeenie: and how society cruelly treated her
BlueVlvt6: I thought whatever Alien movie she was in was a tad too gross for me.
QuietAmerican283: hahaha, that movie sucked balls
angelfisheyny has entered the room.
angelfisheyny: i feel like i'm watching a preshow on e! with all your away message celebrities together in one place
MyDadIsAWeenie: is kathy griffin there
MyDadIsAWeenie: lying about dakota fanning
angelfisheyny: yes.
angelfisheyny: she is.
QuietAmerican283: and joan rivers talking about having to go douche
devilishnyc: hahah
devilishnyc: wow
MyDadIsAWeenie: did joan really do that
QuietAmerican283: yeah, couple years ago
devilishnyc: did you douche joan rivers or did she douche you?
angelfisheyny: i doubt she can lean her face far enough over to douche; the skin would tear
angelfisheyny: i guess she could do it by feeling.
MyDadIsAWeenie: why would your face need to be...involved
angelfisheyny: i like to see what i put in my vagina
MyDadIsAWeenie: OH JESUS
QuietAmerican283: yeah I'm sorry I sparked this discussion now
angelfisheyny: i feel like jocelyn.
devilishnyc: let's note that in the entire discourse of this chatroom i have not metioned the vital part of the female anatomy.
devilishnyc: but michelle has.
angelfisheyny: hey, maximillion brought up douching
QuietAmerican283: that's only indirectly related to vaginas though
angelfisheyny: uhh what else do you douche
QuietAmerican283: douche can mean many things
QuietAmerican283: Sylvia comes to mind
MyDadIsAWeenie: hey "father"
BlueVlvt6: What?
MyDadIsAWeenie: remember when i broke the pink dildo in the street
devilishnyc: EW
angelfisheyny: okay, i'm going to skip over the "pink dildo" commentary entirely, and skip to, why did you take it into the street?
MyDadIsAWeenie: i was scaring the kids in my neighborhood
BlueVlvt6: She was pretty good at that.
angelfisheyny: god i wish i lived in your neighborhood
BlueVlvt6: When she was three, she and I were walking into town...
MyDadIsAWeenie: NO
MyDadIsAWeenie: NO NO NO
angelfisheyny: go go go!
devilishnyc: did you tell an old woman she looked like ethel merman cause my mom did that ... and she yelled at her and my mom cried?
BlueVlvt6: ...And passed a lawn where some high school girls were practicing cheerleading...
BlueVlvt6: Well, okay, I don't want to embarrass you.
angelfisheyny: aaaah go go!
devilishnyc: NO
angelfisheyny: do it!
devilishnyc: GO
devilishnyc: GO
QuietAmerican283: tell it!
devilishnyc: GO
devilishnyc: GO
MyDadIsAWeenie: just for the record
MyDadIsAWeenie: i'm no longer friends with any of you
BlueVlvt6: ...and she lifted up her little shirt and announced...
BlueVlvt6: "I have nipples!"
devilishnyc: HA
angelfisheyny: HAHAHAHHAHA
BRags753: hahahahahaha
QuietAmerican283: amazing
MyDadIsAWeenie: i don't think that happened.
angelfisheyny: it still does.
MyDadIsAWeenie: WHAT
angelfisheyny: okay, kunal is 389239802 times more vulnerable than a flock of cheerleaders
angelfisheyny: so i'll say it's worse.
QuietAmerican283: poor kunal
MyDadIsAWeenie: i was only three
angelfisheyny: i used to run around naked with my undershirt on my head when i was three.
MyDadIsAWeenie: jeffrey
MyDadIsAWeenie: closing comments
BlueVlvt6: This is tough when everybody's looking at you.
MyDadIsAWeenie: everybody was looking at you when you talked about my nipples and blood
MyDadIsAWeenie: you were okay then
BlueVlvt6: I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to tell the really embarrassing Emma stories.
BlueVlvt6: Actually, I think when I was telling that story...
BlueVlvt6: They were looking at you.
MyDadIsAWeenie: there are no other embarrassing stories
BlueVlvt6: I'm at something of a loss...
BlueVlvt6: to think of an UNembarrassing Emma story...
BlueVlvt6: ...but hey.
MyDadIsAWeenie: you're ALL talk
BlueVlvt6: Well, good thing this is a chat room, then.
QuietAmerican283: Oh!
QuietAmerican283: Snap
QuietAmerican283: speaking of which, house isn't on tonight and that's REALLY upsetting
QuietAmerican283: Jeffrey how do you feel about house
BlueVlvt6: I haven't actually seen any episodes all the way through...
QuietAmerican283: that's a shame
BlueVlvt6: But my friend Steve Heth writes for it sometimes, so it's probably okay.
QuietAmerican283: you're missing amazingness
MyDadIsAWeenie: his gimpyness is orgasmic
QuietAmerican283: emma thinks I should develop a limp when i become a doctor
QuietAmerican283: even if I have to fake it
BlueVlvt6: Emma has a lot of really good ideas like that.
MyDadIsAWeenie: what is that supposed to mean
BlueVlvt6: They're all just GREAT ideas.
MyDadIsAWeenie: you're being sarcastic, but i'm going to pretend you're not
MyDadIsAWeenie: because they ARE all great
BlueVlvt6: That's my Mr. Beef!

It should be noted that about 75% of the conversation that took place here made absolutely no sense once taken out of context, so I'm doing the world an enormous favor in excluding it.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

The Top 10...or Four Most Insane People in America Not Named Cindy Sheehan.

I don't think it's possible to love a picture more than I do right now. What. A. Cunty. Nutjob.
I could go on forever about Cindy Sheehan, from her shrill voice that sounds like auditory rape, to her alliance with Al "I Have Literal Blood on my Hands But Still Run For President on a Quadrennial Basis" Sharpton. But today, we're going to focus our attention on people that aren't about to disappear permanently from the public eye.

1. Ann Coulter.

I LOVE Ann. More than life itself. But the fact remains that she's completely insane in the most logical way possible. It's like saying that Jessica Simpson is dumb while she's cashing her billion-dollar paychecks - something doesn't add up. Ann shot into the public eye in 1998 when she released her first book "High Crimes and Misdemeanors: The Case Against Bill Clinton." I haven't actually read it, but I've read her columns from this time period, so I suspect it's 358 pages of penile cigar scathingness intertwined with cold legal reasoning.
She wrote a few more anti-liberal tomes - Slander and Treason - but really gained her notoriety when she penned her column on September 12, 2001 "This is War.":
It is preposterous to assume every passenger is a potential crazed homicidal maniac. They are the ones cheering and dancing right now. We should invade their countries, kill their leaders, and convert them to Christianity...We carpet-bombed German cities; we killed civilians. That's war. And this is war.
Does Ann believe what she wrote? She very well may; her TV appearances certainly lead one to that conclusion. However, I can't imagine she wrote that without thinking about the shitload of publicity and money she had coming her way. This woman represents extremism in all of its evil and grandeur. She could be dismissed as a right-wing loon if her arguments weren't so deliciously concise. Ann may be the only bulemic law scholar in the country that could write an article about Halle Berry's skin color as easily as one riddled with dry legal analysis. Clearly, she deserves the number one spot, and I highly recommend "How to Talk to a Liberal (If You Must)," simply for the Clinton and Hollywood articles.

2. Barbra Streisand.

In many ways, Barbra is much more dangerous than Ann. Everyone knows what Ann is, and there are no surprises. If Ann was photographed in the West Village with a fire hydrant up her crotch, people would chortle, roll their eyes and say, "Oh, Ann." Barbra is different. Too many people in this country consider her an actress/singer with a grasp on current events. I'm saying it just this one - SHE IS INSANE. If you haven't done so, go to her official Website In the midst of the self-promotion for her movies and CDs, there's a section inconspiciously titled, "Statements." A more apt description would be Batshit Political Manifestos Penned in an Asylum. I noticed this site about two years ago, when she wrote some incomprehensible blather about the constitution and witches. You've heard all of her talking points before - it's classic Hollywood liberal shizzle about how Bush is evil and Republicans are evil.
Posted on October 26, 2005

If there was ever a time in history to impeach a President of the United States, it would be now. In my opinion, it is two years too late. We should have done this before the election to spare the country the misjudgment, the incompetence and the malfeasance of this administration.

This is what I NEVER understand about declarations like this. If you impeach Bush, which you can't because he didn't do anything impeachable unless you count believing British intelligience and raising two skanky ass drunk daughters, you're going to have DICK CHENEY as your President. DICK CHENEY. Is there a scarier man in America? And if somehow you managed to get both of them out of office, you'd have Dennis Hastert to deal with. After him? Nancy Pelosi, who bears a striking resemblance to that weird panther thingy that Chance sent off the cliff in Homeward Bound. She's also crazy, "btw."

Dear Babs, go back to making cinematic wonderment like Yentl. You weren't doing much harm as a little homely Jewish boy.

3. Dr. Howard Dean

Howard and I go way back. Most people are not aware of this, but there was a point where he was normal and badass. It was January of 2003 on Meet the Press. He showed no signs of lunacy as of yet, and was a well-spoken social liberal, fiscal conservative from Vermont. I even saw him at a rally at City Hall Park in October of that year. Still basically normal, though his voice was getting a bit Cindy Sheehan-like. Sometime between than and the Iowa primaries - he went nuts. Which is sad, because if he hadn't developed that anger management problem, he would have been an amazing Presidential candidate. My theory all along has been that he shot out to the front of the primary race too soon, so the eight other Democratic hopefuls bonded together and spewed shit at him for several months and stole his sanity. It's too easy to just blame Al Sharpton. I also think the Clintons did something fiendish behind the scenes, but again - speculation. I can't for the life of me figure out why he was put in charge of the Democratic Party at this state of his mental illness. Nothing good will come out of this, mark my words.

I think he's pretending his fingers are guns.

4. TeRAYsa Heinz Kerry.

I need to stop picking people I love. Far and away the best thing about the 2004 campaign, Teresa's quotes from the political trail are nothing short of legendary. The great tragedy of this country is not Iraq, September 11th, hurricanes or Tom Cruise - it's that this woman doesn't get any more press coverage.
If this woman had lived in the White House, everyone would be happier. There would be irreverent press conferences, domestic disputes, tirades in at least four other languages. Sob.
During the Democratic Convention in Boston, Teresa was given the mic on Day 2 to extol the virtues of her second husband. She talked about herself for 45 minutes in an incredible speech that incorporated ketchup and Mozambique. Find a better speech - I defy you.
Ann Coulter also seemed to enjoy her existence.
Even after Kerry was attacked for speaking French, Heinz thought the best course would be to defend her husband by haughtily snipping that the Bush aides "probably don't even speak French." Take that, you boorish Americans!

However, Teresa doesn't need any help compiling amazing quotes. (All liberally taken from Track 'Em Down)
"Clothing is wonderful, but let them go naked for a while, at least the kids."
"I have to say that John Edwards is very beautiful."
"If nothing else, you will have a mom in the White House," Teresa Heinz Kerry said before the packed hotel room of homosexual delegates and advocates.

Lest we forget that this woman went into her first Wendy's at the age of...60? 61? That has to be considered a white-collar crime of sorts.

"I live...up there!"

At some point, I'm going to add to this countdown, because no insane list is complete without Katie Holmes.

We so need to have a caption contest for this madness.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Get AIDS and Live for Free on Avenue A.

2.9 Stars.

Last week, I tried to convince Drunk Erin to participate in a blog discussion about the film adaptation of Rent because she's the only person I know that has also seen it. However, she's been acting more batshit than usual, and refuses to discuss a movie that she feels was perfect in every way. Drunk Erin is obviously wrong, but this post is about the issues with the movie, not a Michigan alcoholic.

Like Malsta, I got to see Rent on Broadway for free. We were given complementary tickets because of our work with America Reads, which provided me with 25 urban streetkids to indoctrinate into the ways of Emma. Malsta quit after the first semester, but America Reads didn't update their records so she got to see it for free even though her official occupation at that time was eating Soy Crisps and watching Ricki Lake (R.I.P.).

I think Crazy Mego also came and behaved herself, though it WAS three years ago, so I may be wrong about that.
Unfortunately, Joey Fat One was no longer playing Roger on stage, so we got some random people that we'd never heard of. No matter. It was fairly enjoyable, though I tend to not really like Broadway shows unless the entire cast is composed of cats.

Dov'e Joey Fat One?

The movie version has its problems. I'm not a professional film critic by any stretch of the imagination, so that needs to be considered when you're digesting my opinions. I still maintain that my observations are correct, regardless.

The biggest issue with this movie is the actual story. It has great amazing badass songs, but the plot is absurd. The basic premise is that there are two friends living in the East Village/Lower East Side - for free, and now their "mean" ex-friend is making them pay rent. Mind you, he's not throwing them out, he's not telling them to pay the rent that they should have paid for the last year, he's just telling them they have to start paying it. Who the fuck would have the nerve to get pissed at a demand like that? You lived on the island of Manhattan FOR FREE in a loft studio that would run you about $2000 a month at this point. Maybe Jonathan Larson was assuming that no one would actually think that into this and would just listen quietly to the music, but the music is ABOUT NOT PAYING RENT. You can't just ignore that. So right off the bat, these people lost my sympathy.
Speaking of said sympathy, about 80% of the characters in this movie/play have HIV. Again, we're supposed to suspend disbelief and just feel sorry for these people because it's the winter of 1989, they don't have money to pay rent and they're going to die of AIDS soon. At least two of these HIV-positive characters contracted the virus from dirty needles while they were shooting up heroin - Roger and Mimi. I don't know why it takes the whole damn movie for these two to officially fall in love; clearly, they're made for each other.

You + Me + Dirty Needles = Us.

Throughout the movie, these people are popping AZT. In 1989, that shit would have cost an insane amount of money. How are they paying for that when they can't even afford their rent? My first thought was that maybe they're spending all of their money on the AZT so they don't have any left over for the rent. If that's the case, wouldn't that make an interesting song or something? It totally should have been incorporated into the story.

Another problem is with the character of Benny, played by the umber Greek God known as Taye Diggs.

Upon further thought, his head is too big. But that never stopped James Van Der Beek, right?
Insert picture of Dawson's enormous noggin.
At the beginning of the movie, we're told that Benny is married to the daughter of a real estate magnate who wants to take over the buildings in the neighborhood and make a cyber cafe or some such shit. Okay, fine. It's a pretty one-dimensional character, but I accepted that. THEN later on, when Roger goes off to Santa Fe to find himself (I know, aren't you throwing up in your mouth?), Benny is suddenly...with Mimi? What? Did he divorce the other woman? One doubts it, since he's still considered an outsider and still has the power to board up their apartment and shit. That really really needed to be explained.

See this piece of paper? It says that my character makes NO sense.

Also, some of the casting is a bit dubious. There's one big downside to taking the actors who played the same character on Broadway and putting them in front of a camera: some of them aren't Hollywood material and can't convey their character the same way they could in front of a live audience. Adam Pascal is an excellent example of this. He was nominated for a Tony as Roger about a decade ago, but he just seems really stiff and uncomfortable on a movie set, especially when he's being cast opposite a professional Hollywood badass like Rosario Dawson.
Speaking of Ms. Dawson, I had very mixed feelings about her role in this. I really like the original Mimi, Daphne Rubin-Vega, who some may remember as the sidekick of Kevin Bacon in Wild Things. She had a more gutteral voice than Rosario and looked more LES skanky than Rosario was.

Why did I have to get knocked up right before the movie casting for Rent?

Rosario was very good, but she was better in Sin City. Every syllable she uttered in that movie just oozed, "I'm a badass skank. What what." Not this time. Her greatest scene is the pole dancing in the Cat Scratch for the song "Out Tonight." But it was pretty obvious that she wasn't the original Mimi.

Now you're probably wondering why I gave this movie any stars; I've been pretty brutal up to this point. There are some very badass aspects to this movie. Number one is without question the songs. There's about 12 songs in this, and at least 11 of them are incredibly amazing. I don't personally like "Tango Maureen," but they made up for its lameness with a cool dance number to accompany it.

Some of the acting was great - Wilson Jermaine Heredia as Angel and Idina Metzel aka Mrs. Taye Diggs come to mind. I would totally nominate them for Oscars, but I have a habit of awarding nominations to at least one person every time I go to a movie, so take such comments with a grain of salt. Nonetheless, it was the opposite of Rosario's performance in that it was clear that they had been the original cast members on Broadway.

If his movie offers dried up, he could totally become a professional drag queen like Fink.

It's a fun movie, bottom line. Even though Jesse L. Martin is about 230 pounds and clearly doesn't have AIDS.

Update: One of my old chums from middle school has corrected an inaccuracy in my review - Joey Fat One played Mark, not Roger. I'm trying to figure out why I thought he played Roger, and I think it's because that Canadian Waste told me that. Never believe Canucks unless they're talking about hockey or Alex Trebek.