Thursday, April 19, 2007

Only Cool People Know What Predicates Are.

...They're like prepositions, right?

Those of you who have been occasionally keeping tabs on Weenie Enema through the years know that we're very into propagating certain amazingness in life that is not properly acknowledged as such, whether it's Ariel Sharon-related, Paddington Bear-related or Winona Didn't Do It-related. However, some societal elements are just considered SO taboo that it's going to take more than a blog post to get them officially recognized. And for those of you furrowing your brows and thinking, "Wait...I don't think Emma actually convinced anyone that Winona was framed...," your opinion, sadly, is not relevant to this discussion.

innocent: adj. Ryder, Winona.

While it would simply be delightful to pen yet another post about Winona, we're not going to, chiefly because it's getting rather tedious to try to constantly convince people that Winona will figure a way out of this Vicodin-laced nightmarish decent into Adam Sandler crapfests, and because it is hardcore necessary to convince people to start attending the monthly spelling and grammar bees that Union Hall in Park Slope hosts.

Last month, my chum and occasional cohort Abbi invited me to go to a bar of all places. I do not go to bars. They always give me this LOOK when I order Diet Pepsis, and really, if I can buy a 2-liter bottle for $0.99 at C-Town, why would I pay five times as much for a watered down version while Philip Seymour Hoffman lookalikes leer at me? Which is basically what I told her. When I found out that this "bar" was in Park Slope, I tossed the name around in my head and asked, "Isn't that in Brooklyn? As in, not in Manhattan? As in, you want me to return to the borough where crazy people tried to KILL ME two years ago?" Since she is very wise and noble, Abbi ignored me and somehow convinced me to go.

It was seriously like this on every street corner in Bed Stuy. Except the pig had not been caught by the cops yet and was chasing me.

Based on my previous experience going across the East River, I was pretty sure Park Slope was a ghetto and that the puffy vest was not going to be enough to save me. I came out of the subway...and I saw a row of brownstones. I figured it was a trick, so I immediately called Abbi to come rescue me. While I waited, I counted scary people. Since I couldn't find any, I counted scary cars instead. Abbi came after the 12th scary car, ignored my inquiries about where the ghetto was, and after supping on subpar bovine, we hightailed it over to Union Hall to participate in the Grammar and Spelling Bee.

Dead cows, beware. You will not be treated well.

I don't know how to describe this Grammar and Spelling Bee in a positive way without looking like a huge, huge dork, but I'm hoping that since everyone knows I am very, very cool, they will give me the benefit of the doubt and hear me out. Union Hall is basically a library with bocce courts, the non-annoying English majors from NYU (there were maybe five or six) and a basement with a small stage and podium that generally serves as a music venue - unless there's a totally awesome spelling and grammar shindig going down. We ran down there because we had not taken into account that the bad-tasting cow corpses were basically on the other side of Park Slope, and although we stumbled in 15 minutes past the 8pm start time, we ARE talking about bar regulars, and they're not anal about time like I am. We signed up, put on the plastic headbands with two bee antennae attached, and got ready to ROCK OUT.

Not as cool as the newsie cap, but it served its purpose.

While I've made this out to be a huge event, we're only talking about maybe 15 contestants and 10 other drunkards who had wandered downstairs after their bocce game to watch a competition that was mostly conducted with the assistance of a sound tech guy who kept playing Earth, Wind and Fire when contestants went up to the stage, and a host who was a DEAD ringer for Colin Firth, except more Gay Pride than Pride and Prejudice. It was very exciting, and the tension was palpable. About three or four of the contestants looked to be around 50 years old, and the rest were, if not my age, within 10 years of my dramatic cesarean birth at the NYU Medical Center. Except for the pot-bellied drunk from Portland, Oregon, who didn't appear to know exactly what he had signed up for, everyone but me knew their shizzle. We're talking about English grad students who masturbate to relative clauses, i.e., people who make me look positively illiterate.

The format was relatively simple, considering the complexity of some of the questions lobbed at us. In the order you signed up on the piece of paper, you went up to the stage, engaged in a few pleasantries with Colin and attempted to answer a spelling, grammar or just a general word question. The first few contestants were asked to spell various venereal diseases, making me extremely thankful that we HAD been late. I do not know how to spell clhymedia. Or hemmheroids.

By the time I got up there, the audience was euphoric, reveling in this girl who spent 10 minutes (successfully) spelling Saskatchewan. Colin Firth scrolled down the list. "E.E.?" My moment had come. I bounded up on stage.
"Is E.E. short for something?"
"Emma Elizabeth."
"Why do you go by E.E."
"I generally don't."
"I thought having a pretentious literary name might give me an edge."
The audience shifted around uncomfortably.
"Interesting. How did you hear about this contest, E.E.?"
"My friend Abbi. She's next."
"I see. Spell 'nugatory.'"
"Is that a real word?"
Colin glares.
"May I have the language of origin?"
The audience titters derisively.
"It's Latin."
"Oh. n-u-ga-t-o-r-y."
And I made it past the first round.

"You may go to the next round."

As for Abbi? Well, I wasn't really paying much attention because, you know, I made it past the first round. At some point, one of her antennae were clipped (this crazy guy, who I think was boning Colin, sat in the front row for the entire bee with garden shears, poised to snip if someone missed a question. But since bees have TWO antennae, we all got a second chance.) when she missed this insanely hard question about meritocracies. I think it was rigged.

While we waited for the second round to start, I began frantically texting everyone on my phone with "I made it to the second round!" mostly because I knew they wouldn't know that EVERYONE makes it to the second round. Anyone who texted back, "Second round of what?" was promptly deleted from my address book. The price of ignorance.

As the second round unfolded, the drunk guy from Portland and a few others were eliminated, and I got to go back on stage.
"This is going to be a grammar question."
"Shit! I mean...yes. Excellent."
"Take a look at this sentence on the screen."
Although my memory is exemplary, this was last month, so let's just pretend the sentence was "Emma is very awesome...and there is no one more awesome."
"What is the term used for the '...' and spell it."
I don't know how I was lucky enough to get two fairly easy questions, but it meant I got to go to at least the fourth round, since my antennae were intact and I know how to spell ellipsis.

Alas, if you thought this tale was going to be about how I won my first grammar and spelling bee, I'm sorry to disappoint. The third round question was this crazy shizzle about clauses or...simple sentences or something completely indecipherable, and I calmly answered, "Prepositional phrase," which was not the right answer. In the fourth round, they asked me to change a sentence to passive voice, and that wasn't good either. I was done. My antennae were clipped, and I settled back in my seat with a 6th place finish. Abbi was a bit better than me, placing 5th. When there were only five left (meaning right after I CRASHED AND BURNED), those top five went up on stage for the duration, and the pace went much more quickly. Sadly, Abbi was not up there for long, but since she really knew her grammar, I knew she'd be back with a vengence this month.

This past Tuesday, I returned. I brought DB Bogangles to participate, and enough people have expressed mild curiosity about what I've been doing on random Tuesdays instead of watching JORDIN SPARKS on Idol that I think we may get another member of my posse in May to participate. Fingers crossed.

Obligatory Jordin Sparks promotional device. Vote Jordin.

This time, shizzle was different. This time when I was asked to change the sentence "The doctor examined Lady" to passive voice, I said, "Lady was examined by the doctor." This time, I got into the top 5 with Abbi and had to down tequila shots while spelling state capitals backwards. This time, I got fourth place and a tiny bottle of cinnamon breath spray as a prize. And Abbi? Abbi is the official champion of the April Union Hall Spelling and Grammar Bee, which is pretty much the coolest thing ever. Oh, and DB finished fifth, an impressive showing for a newbie, and Abbi's roommate, who looks like David Duchovny mixed with emo, was hardcore railroaded and dealt insane questions. Since he's, like, a college professor at the age of about 25, I'm thinking we haven't heard the last from him. Anyway, everyone and their cat should come next month. Here is the link. And here is a picture of a chocolate french bulldog. A REAL chocolate french bulldog.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Why is "Drive" On Again?

For the second night in a row, Fox is airing mediocre television in the hopes that maybe someone will actually get sucked into this crappola. For the record, I am not sucked in. This is a bad show. But my mission is clear - we must document heinous crimes in the hopes that others will avoid these mistakes in the future.

We don't really understand what's going on, but I suspect no one else knows what's going on either. It's not exactly comforting.

8:01 - Kidnapped and Corinna are STILL having car troubles. I think it would be funny if this happened all the way across the country. And why are they in Gainesville? Aren't they supposed to be in Rome?

8:02 - It's 8:02 and Latino Gangster has already said "holmes."

8:03 - Latino Gangster is trying to connect with his brother by talking about hombres. Which I think is Latino for gang member, but I took Latin, so I'm not totally sure.

8:03 - Once again, Latino Gangster is chasing someone...but it doesn't appear to be someone from the cast.

8:04 - A Florida trooper has just pulled a gun on Kidnapped. It is not known whether it's the same trooper who arrested Heavenly Creatures yesterday for carrying a plastic baby across state lines.

8:06 - A noble hat tip to Alexis, who apparently saw and retained information relating to cast members from the Britney Spears movie. Incidentally (it's a commercial, so I can digress for a moment), I was on Netflix the other day looking at a list of everyone who has ever won a Razzie, and Britney won one for Crossroads. Madonna has won like 60 of them, coincidentally all from movies co-starring Sean Penn. Weird.

8:09 - You know what would be funny? If Crossroads Girl Formerly Known As Loser Girl reenacted a scene from Heavenly Creatures with this plastic baby-toting nutjob.

8:10 - 24 guy is sucking face with his girlfriend in a gas station. And both of them claim they're "winning," but I don't know how they can possibly verify that.

8:11 - 24 guy goes into the gas station convenience store just in time to see a news report about a soldier killed in Iraq. Of course, he knows the guy and tears up, just like he did when Jack Bauer screamed, "You're going to give me what I want!" in his face.

8:12 - "By 'Holmes,' do they mean Katie?" - Drunk Erin

8:12 - Strangely enough, I don't think I've heard anyone actually utter "drive!" in this episode. Maybe it's not the drinking game I thought it was.

8:13 - With Kidnapped in booking and Corinna fighting to get him released, I think the writers of Drive have finally run out of ways to detain these people from actually racing.

8:15 - Um. The Florida cops like to pin three-year-old crimes from Kentucky on innocent people, while jamming their index finger into foreheads. What is with this state? And can we expect altercations with Georgia state troopers in the coming episodes?

8:20 - The Law and Order ADA is still in Nebraska and is confused. Where is Kidnapped? Perhaps he will belatedly join the race when it gets to the Midwest.

8:21 - I am really not getting why this cop thinks Kidnapped killed people in a bank robbery three years ago.

8:21 - "I didn't say you pulled the trigger." Um...that means he's not killing people. Drive writers, we know this doesn't make sense. Just get Corinna in there spewing bullets so they can get BACK ON THE ROAD.

8:22 - This is what I don't get. If 24 guy is SOOOO concerned about his Army buddies, why is he AWOL?

8:23 - 24 guy's woman just threw his phone out the window and he has to go get it. I don't think they're in the lead anymore, but it's not like they actually have ANY idea if they are or not anyway.

8:24 - "Why isn't anyone on this show attractive?" - Drunk Erin

8:25 - Dorky dying dad's car only goes 85. If they want to win this thing, I think they have to get a new car. Maybe steal Latino Gangster's?

8:26 - That woman Latino Gangster was tailing that wasn't part of the cast? I'm thinking she's in the cast now. With the worst Southern accent this side of Keanu in The Devil's Advocate.

8:26 - Whoa! She's an undercover agent!

8:27 - Looks like Gallant Gangster is going to have to take over while Latino Gangster deals with the bounty hunter.

8:31 - Ugh. Get out of Nebraska. Let's go back to Heavenly Creatures and the plastic baby!

8:32 - Why is Kidnapped JUST NOW asking for a lawyer?

8:32 - In a grudge match between Corinna and corrupt Florida state trooper...I think it's pretty clear where I would put my money.

8:33 - How is 24 guy not able to find this phone? How strong is that girl's arm?

8:33 - "Is all you care about this stupid race?" Well...isn't that kind of the entire basis of the show?

8:34 - I think 24 guy is about to throw up from all of this saccarine-laced crap his girl is spewing. Oh wait. That's me.

8:35 - I don't want to be a gloomy gus, but dont they NEED the phone so they can get the calls from Olmec?

8:36 - This Kidnapped being interrogated by the cop story makes no sense. There is no record of him being brought in, and the cop apparently stole his name from a black cop on the force, so...I'm not even sure he's being interrogated in a police station. This is way too Vanilla Sky for me. Bring back the plastic baby!

8:38 - Maybe it's not particularly helpful to keep asking questions when we NEVER get any answers, but I'm really hoping that at some point, they explain, you know, WHY there's an illegal cross-country road race to begin with. My guess? The writers don't know either.

8:39 - Oooh 24 looks good. I think they should just let the Chinese kill Audrey and let a sorcerer bring Nina back from the dead. That would be amazing.

8:40 - For someone who dragged their 16-year-old daughter across the country (apparently risking a REALLY nasty custody battle) Dorky Dying Dad is surprisingly blase about the speed limit.

8:41 - Haha, Crossroads Girl made Heavenly Creatures blast Slipknot in the car. We know who the bitch is in that relationship.

8:42 - Yes, give the crazy Crossroads girl your keys. She's not going to take advantage of your fragile state of mind and fetus-less existence.

8:42 - Um. A helicopter? What?

8:43 - Oh. Latino Gangster and Gallant Gangster are only HALF brothers.

8:44 - "Bounty hunters aren't cops." Gallant Gangster is so wise.

8:45 - Dude! I think they're going after the bounty hunter!

8:45 - Christ. The Vanilla Sky Cop interrogation continues. Let's talk about something else. Remember when Chris Meloni spent an entire episode of SVU interrogating Chad Lowe in Season 2? And Chad was having sex with his mother, who was Margot Kidder? Great episode.

8:46 - Kidnapped told the crazy cop thing about the whole having a kidnapped wife...and the cop is in on the race! What the fuck? If he's IN on the race, why is he distracting him from the matter at hand.

8:47 - "This show makes no sense." - Drunk Erin, sober and correct.

8:50 - Ooh, Idol commercial. TEAM JORDIN.

8:51 - Whoa. Crossroads girl is taking all the baby stuff out of the car. I think she's crossing the line this time. Slipknot was close, but this is IT.

8:51 - I'm really hoping that in Episode 4 or 5, we get a NORMAL contestant. Although to be fair, Corinna is great, she just has some parents-were-victims-in-this-race-before issues.

8:52 - Dorky dad. The doctor says you need your meds to stay alive. So...I'm thinking if you want to SURVIVE the race, you need to pop a few.

8:53 - So the point for that ridiculous cop charade was to give Kidnapped a black car? I'm thinking there were better ways to handle this.

8:54 - Um...did Kidnapped actually kill those people before? THIS SHOW MAKES NO SENSE!

8:55 - Corinna is about to be killed by the Men in Black...but Kidnapped saved her in the Black car!

8:55 - How did...Gallant get the bounty hunter to let Gangster go? Writers? Anything?

8:56 - I've said it before, I'll say it again - Corinna and I would be the Dream Team of Drive.

8:57 - I think Kidnapped has split personality issues. He just raced past Latino Gangster. I'm so confused right now.

8:57 - It appears 24 guy was right about being in the lead, because Kidnapped just took over the lead. I apologize for doubting 24 guy's cognizance.

8:58 - All of the contestants are in a dirt lot that looks like it came out of "Stand By Me."

8:59 - Wait. All of the stuff that they said last night was in THIS night's now in the previews for the NEXT episode. Worst show ever. I'm done.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Liveblogging "Drive."

We are liveblogging the premiere of what appears to be the Worst Show Ever, "Drive," a show that Fox is staking its noncredibility on. I haven't quite figured out why Fox has spent so much money bombarding me with ads for this piece of shizzle, but Weenie Enema is coming out of semi-retirement to find out why.

8:02 - The ADA from the first two or three seasons of Law and Order is questioning some dude whose wife was kidnapped. And, despite what 11 people have told me, I still think it's the same actor who had his wife kidnapped on "Vanished," ANOTHER Fox show that is now DOA.

8:03 - Dude! It's the crazy lesbian from Heavenly Creatures. Except without K-Wizzle lust.

8:06 - We have a Latino hoodlum. And is ringing! And so are the phones for the husband and the Heavenly Creatures lesbian! I think the game is about to begin.

8:07 - The mysterious voice on the phone sounds like Olmec from Legends of the Hidden Temple.

8:08 - The credits are (finally) rolling, and I've recognized two more people - the really annoying kid from Season 3 of 24 who thought he was transporting drugs across the border, and the guy who gave Chris Meloni head on Oz and then had his neck broken. What an intriguing cast.

8:09 - I am having trouble believing that all of these people would drive to Key West (some from places like Nebraska) because an anonymous voice told them to.

8:11 - "My advice...get on the road, Mr. Tully." Heh.

8:12 - I've only seen the 24 Kid for about 10 seconds, but in that space of time, he made an analogy to wontons. Love.

8:14 - If I were about to start a cross-country road race and I wanted to get a good start, you know what I wouldn't do? Just start randomly calling family members while I'm trying to drive on a crowded highway.

8:15 - Okay, this girl let her father drive her across the country, and only NOW wants to know what's going on?

8:16 - 24 Guy is 10 times hotter with a buzzed head and a non-annoying personality.

8:17 - The first fender bender has occurred. I have a feeling there are going to be a lot of them.

8:18 - Shockingly, the instigator of this fender bender does not appear to be the Latino gangster.

8:18 - Whoa! The kidnapped wife guy has a stowaway in the back of his pickup truck! And...I think she's trying to get away from the Chris Meloni Head guy.

8:19 - "Drive!" Erin was right. This potentially could be a very good drinking game.

8:22 - Heavenly Creatures lez got pulled over by a state trooper. For...not speeding...but for...stealing the car. I think the father of her baby wants his car back.

8:23 - "Corinna Wiles. And you are...?" "Angry!"

8:24 - Oooh I think Corinna and Kidnapped are going to form an unlikely partnership.

8:25 - First clue: "Fly to Jupiter and find the red eye." Hmmm. I wonder if the clue means Jupiter, Florida. Which is where the Cardinals have their spring training games. Oooh maybe it's a red eye like the Starbucks drink. They have to go to the Jupiter Starbucks! I should be in the race.

8:26 - Okay, the kidnapped wife guy is doing this to get his wife back. Latino gangster is doing this because he's an ex-con and wants money. Heavenly Creatures has an abusive husband or something. But why is the dorky dad with the teenage daughter doing this?

8:27 - Whoa. Heavenly Creatures just went apeshit and led the cops on a high-speed chase. Too bad it's not a part of the game.

8:28 - Um, her baby...has been replaced by a doll. It is not clear where the real baby is (back of kidnapped wife guy's pickup?) or where the doll came from.

8:32 - Latino gangster has stopped at a mansion. And I think he has an overachieving twin brother. The cons ALWAYS do.

8:33 - There are three college girls (who think "L" for loser on the forehead is still cool) that 24 guy somehow got the better of by...telling a whole bunch of truckers on a CB radio to box them in.

8:34 - "Maybe they mean Jupiter, Florida, which is four hours from here" Oooh, who called this shizzle?

8:34 - Heavenly Creatures is still in booking. I suspect she is not in first place at this point in time.

8:35 - The gangster's brother pulled a gun on him. And to signify that he's the "good" brother, he's wearing a polo shirt. Like Gallant in Goofus and Gallant.

8:36 - Kidnapped and Corinna are having car troubles.

8:37 - "The Red Eye is a lighthouse in Jupiter." Corinna is really smart. But did you see how I got the Jupiter part? Corinna and I would make a great team.

8:39 - Maybe my eyes were on the laptop at the time, but I still don't know what happened with Heavenly Creatures' baby. Perhaps she has the ability to morph living things into inanimate objects. If so, I think she may be able to make up the time she's lost while in a Florida jail cell.

8:41 - I don't understand why this American Idol commercial is insinuating that Chris Sligh was voted off because of "a missed lyric." No, he's off because he hardcore sucked.

8:42 - Chris Meloni Head guy found Corinna! But Kidnapped Wife guy decked him with a wrench.

8:43 - Head guy is one of "them!" Neat. I have no idea what that means.

8:43 - Latino Gangster's brother apparently didn't know Latino Gangster was his brother. Awwwkward!

8:44 - Maybe they'll join forces like Corinna and Kidnapped!

8:45 - Haha, they did!

8:45 - Corinna knows an awful lot about the intracies of this contest. "I needed to join someone. It was either you or the crazy lady with the plastic baby." Okay, I guess I never saw the real baby then.

8:46 - Corinna has a Flash drive. How very Chloe O'Brian of her.

8:46 - Heavenly Creatures' husband just showed up...and he looks REALLY familiar. Hmmm. I wonder if he will shed light on why she toted a plastic baby to the Keys.

8:50 - Okay...she doesn't know his name. That makes me think he's either not married to Heavenly Creatures or...Corinna was right and she's totally nuts. Clearly, the latter would be much more entertaining. Wait!!! He was in Twister! HAHA! He was Cary Elwes right hand man.

8:52 - Whoa. Chris Meloni Head guy reacts rather strongly to Flash drives.

8:53 - I think Latino Gangster is blasting Daddy Yankee in his pimped out yellowish crap Ford.

8:54 - Corinna and Kidnapped are almost at the lighthouse...and it looks like someone's right behind them! It's Latino Gangster and Co!

8:55 - I think the pretty brother is regretting his impulsive decision to play the game with the thug who wandered into his mansion a few hours ago.

8:56 - Two old people just showed up on a motorcycle...and it looks like 7 million other people did too. Good thing this is only the first stop.

8:57 - The three Loser girls just locked eyes with 24 guy. I think they know that he conspired with Floridian truckers to eliminate them.

8:57 - Heavenly Creatures was last to the lighthouse and has earned a penalty. It's a manilla envelope with a loaded gun and a picture of a Kiera Knightley wannabe with her face circled. I'm guessing arriving last to a decision means you have to kill other contestants. Here's hoping Latino Gangster is NEVER last.

9:00 - I think someone's having a dream or a flashback that involves driving. I suspect the same thing would happen to me after the first nutty day in the Drive race.

9:01 - Olmec is reporting to a higher up. I hope it is another host of a defunct Nickelodeon show.

9:02 - Okay, there are pictures of Heavenly Creatures with a real baby. What is the deal? Did she just ditch the fetus at the hospital?

9:02 - The waitress at the diner is the teacher from Donnie Darko that was told by Jake Gyllenhaal to shove the lifeline exercise up her anus.

9:03 - I think one of the Loser girls is supposed to be killed by Heavenly Creatures.

9:04 - Kidnapped took Chris Meloni Head along for the ride and has him bound and gagged in a local motel bathtub. Very Oz.

9:07 - Upon further thought, I'm not really getting how every single contestant figured out how to solve it. Because if Corinna hadn't been on my team, I would have just ended up at a Starbucks looking around bewildered.

9:08 - "You need a cup of courage." - Why does the Donnie Darko waitress know about this contest?

9:09 - "If she's still in that car at the next checkpoint, YOU'LL be eliminated." Jesus. I wouldn't go back to that diner.

9:10 - Obligatory Kidnapped talking to a vision of his wife in the mirror scene.

9:11 - The wife is still talking to him. This is getting a little tedious.

9:11 - Chris Meloni Head says Corinna's not in the race and is using Kidnapped. Methinks either Head or Corinna is lying.

9:12 - In the course of the last 30 minutes of this show, Kidnapped has knocked out Chris Meloni Head at least four times.

9:13 - Whoa. The dorky dad is dying. I guess that KIND OF explains why he's participating, but not really.

9:13 - Second clue: "Kennedy killed in '73, and there's a clock ticking backwards." Uh. Maybe the clock is ticking back to 1968 or 1963? Which means either Dallas or LA?

9:14 - Kidnapped thinks he knows! and the Latino boys are going to follow him. Smooth.

9:15 - How exactly is Heavenly Creatures going to figure out how to gun down the Loser girl en route?

9:17 - I feel like they can't leave Florida yet, so maybe they're going to the Kennedy Space Center. Get it? Like a countdown to liftoff? Corinna, thoughts?

9:19 - 24 guy is about to cheat. Although since we missed the orientation (like Kidnapped), maybe he's not.

9:20 - Heavenly Creatures just called some creepy lady who has her real baby. It's good to know there's a real baby in the picture.

9:21 - The baby looks like it has a rash. Maybe they put a Rally Monkey in its crib.

9:22 - Uh oh. Kidnapped is calling Corinna's bluff. "Who are you?" "I'm just trying to find answers at the finish line like everybody else."

9:23 - The Flash drive has vital stats on all the contestants. But how did Corinna get her paws on that drive?

9:24 - HAH! Cape Canaveral!! 24 guy and Emma. We'll all over this.

9:25 - "They look like hoodlums." - dorky dad glancing nervously at Latino gangsters in rearview mirror.

9:26 - Why are the Latinos following the dorky dad and daughter instead of Kidnapped and Corinna?

9:27 - Why are people actually chasing each other in this game? Doesn't the existence of the clues kind of eliminate the need?

9:27 - Corinna just kicked Kidnapped's ass with a laptop or something! Seriously, what is her deal?

9:32 - Kidnapped woke up. His car is gone. That cunt totally stole it! Now what? I take back everything I said about Corinna.

9:32 - HAHA! Heavenly Creatures just shot the back tire of Loser Girls' car. Smooth.

9:33 - Kidnapped just hitchhiked with a giant mother of a truck.

9:34 - "Didn't you have a baby?" "Um. Recently." "No, like, yesterday." Loser Girl totally sees through Heavenly Creatures' facade.

9:35 - I think this kindly truck driver has drugs or something in the back.

9:35 - Man. Corinna did not get far with that truck.

9:36 - Okay...Corinna has a gun and she likes to shoot it at people. I so don't get her.

9:37 - "You're not the only person they took someone from!" Oh, Corinna.

9:38 - Okay, so the flashback from earlier was a young Corinna from 28 years before. I like Corinna again. She is so like Helen Hunt's character in Twister, recklessly involving herself with shizzle to get vengence for lost parents back in childhood. Hopefully, we can find another Twister connection before 10, because then we can have a Twister Trifecta.

9:42 - I miss when Omar Epps was legit hot.

9:43 - Latin Gangster and Co are at Cape Canaveral, but Heavenly Creatures and Loser Girls are still having a gun standoff. I'm thinking she might be last again and will have another moral dilemma about killing someone off.

9:44 - So the Loser Girl is now in Heavenly Creatures' car. I'm thinking that's probably breaking the rules, despite our ignorance about the official rules.

9:45 - I'm so glad Corinna not a bad seed like Chris Meloni Head guy. But I would like to know how she got the Flash drive.

9:47 - Corinna just walloped Head with a shovel. Seriously, that guy must have so many deathly internal head injuries at this point.

9:47 - Dorky dad just passed out. Perhaps now would be an ideal time to tell his daughter about his whole having less than a year to live thing.

9:51 - Latino Gangster has called his brother "holmes" at least 20 times so far. When the writers latch on to a hackneyed phrase, they don't let go.

9:52 - Olmec is apparently okay about Heavenly Creatures figuring out a way to eliminate the Loser Girl without actually killing her.

9:53 - They're all going to Rome, Georgia now. I totally don't get why. Oh, and this is "just a qualifying round."

9:54 - Dorky dad hasn't told the daughter yet. Maybe he will during May sweeps.

9:54 - Dorky dad's daughter is a MUCH better driver than he is. He didn't have the gumption.

9:55 - Kidnapped almost literally ran into Heavenly Creatures on the sidewalk by Cape Canaveral.

9:56 - Whoa! The weirdo truck driver that picked up Kidnapped had his WIFE in the back of his truck. That's mildly better than my drugs theory, and it's very creepy that everyone in Florida is involved in this race in some capacity.

9:57 - All the random contestants take a moment to watch a rocket launch at Cape Canaveral for inspiration to compete in tomorrow's episode.

9:58 - In the next episode, Kidnapped gets arrested and 24 guy is supposed to go to Fort Benning for a court martial. There is a participant in the 7th Annual Emma Grimshaw Letter Writing Contest from Fort Benning.

9:59 - HAHA. Kidnapped and Corinna have to rob a bank, and they get the Latino gangster to help. Amazing.

That was a pretty shitty show. But I watched it so you didn't have to.

Also, several people have expressed surprise slash shock over this, so I thought I should let everyone know - Ariel Sharon is still alive. I am obviously the only person in the world who checks his Wikipedia entry daily to see if he's finally succombed to his last intravenous meal. He has not. His studliness prevails.