Sunday, April 15, 2007

Liveblogging "Drive."

We are liveblogging the premiere of what appears to be the Worst Show Ever, "Drive," a show that Fox is staking its noncredibility on. I haven't quite figured out why Fox has spent so much money bombarding me with ads for this piece of shizzle, but Weenie Enema is coming out of semi-retirement to find out why.

8:02 - The ADA from the first two or three seasons of Law and Order is questioning some dude whose wife was kidnapped. And, despite what 11 people have told me, I still think it's the same actor who had his wife kidnapped on "Vanished," ANOTHER Fox show that is now DOA.

8:03 - Dude! It's the crazy lesbian from Heavenly Creatures. Except without K-Wizzle lust.

8:06 - We have a Latino hoodlum. And is ringing! And so are the phones for the husband and the Heavenly Creatures lesbian! I think the game is about to begin.

8:07 - The mysterious voice on the phone sounds like Olmec from Legends of the Hidden Temple.

8:08 - The credits are (finally) rolling, and I've recognized two more people - the really annoying kid from Season 3 of 24 who thought he was transporting drugs across the border, and the guy who gave Chris Meloni head on Oz and then had his neck broken. What an intriguing cast.

8:09 - I am having trouble believing that all of these people would drive to Key West (some from places like Nebraska) because an anonymous voice told them to.

8:11 - "My advice...get on the road, Mr. Tully." Heh.

8:12 - I've only seen the 24 Kid for about 10 seconds, but in that space of time, he made an analogy to wontons. Love.

8:14 - If I were about to start a cross-country road race and I wanted to get a good start, you know what I wouldn't do? Just start randomly calling family members while I'm trying to drive on a crowded highway.

8:15 - Okay, this girl let her father drive her across the country, and only NOW wants to know what's going on?

8:16 - 24 Guy is 10 times hotter with a buzzed head and a non-annoying personality.

8:17 - The first fender bender has occurred. I have a feeling there are going to be a lot of them.

8:18 - Shockingly, the instigator of this fender bender does not appear to be the Latino gangster.

8:18 - Whoa! The kidnapped wife guy has a stowaway in the back of his pickup truck! And...I think she's trying to get away from the Chris Meloni Head guy.

8:19 - "Drive!" Erin was right. This potentially could be a very good drinking game.

8:22 - Heavenly Creatures lez got pulled over by a state trooper. For...not speeding...but for...stealing the car. I think the father of her baby wants his car back.

8:23 - "Corinna Wiles. And you are...?" "Angry!"

8:24 - Oooh I think Corinna and Kidnapped are going to form an unlikely partnership.

8:25 - First clue: "Fly to Jupiter and find the red eye." Hmmm. I wonder if the clue means Jupiter, Florida. Which is where the Cardinals have their spring training games. Oooh maybe it's a red eye like the Starbucks drink. They have to go to the Jupiter Starbucks! I should be in the race.

8:26 - Okay, the kidnapped wife guy is doing this to get his wife back. Latino gangster is doing this because he's an ex-con and wants money. Heavenly Creatures has an abusive husband or something. But why is the dorky dad with the teenage daughter doing this?

8:27 - Whoa. Heavenly Creatures just went apeshit and led the cops on a high-speed chase. Too bad it's not a part of the game.

8:28 - Um, her baby...has been replaced by a doll. It is not clear where the real baby is (back of kidnapped wife guy's pickup?) or where the doll came from.

8:32 - Latino gangster has stopped at a mansion. And I think he has an overachieving twin brother. The cons ALWAYS do.

8:33 - There are three college girls (who think "L" for loser on the forehead is still cool) that 24 guy somehow got the better of by...telling a whole bunch of truckers on a CB radio to box them in.

8:34 - "Maybe they mean Jupiter, Florida, which is four hours from here" Oooh, who called this shizzle?

8:34 - Heavenly Creatures is still in booking. I suspect she is not in first place at this point in time.

8:35 - The gangster's brother pulled a gun on him. And to signify that he's the "good" brother, he's wearing a polo shirt. Like Gallant in Goofus and Gallant.

8:36 - Kidnapped and Corinna are having car troubles.

8:37 - "The Red Eye is a lighthouse in Jupiter." Corinna is really smart. But did you see how I got the Jupiter part? Corinna and I would make a great team.

8:39 - Maybe my eyes were on the laptop at the time, but I still don't know what happened with Heavenly Creatures' baby. Perhaps she has the ability to morph living things into inanimate objects. If so, I think she may be able to make up the time she's lost while in a Florida jail cell.

8:41 - I don't understand why this American Idol commercial is insinuating that Chris Sligh was voted off because of "a missed lyric." No, he's off because he hardcore sucked.

8:42 - Chris Meloni Head guy found Corinna! But Kidnapped Wife guy decked him with a wrench.

8:43 - Head guy is one of "them!" Neat. I have no idea what that means.

8:43 - Latino Gangster's brother apparently didn't know Latino Gangster was his brother. Awwwkward!

8:44 - Maybe they'll join forces like Corinna and Kidnapped!

8:45 - Haha, they did!

8:45 - Corinna knows an awful lot about the intracies of this contest. "I needed to join someone. It was either you or the crazy lady with the plastic baby." Okay, I guess I never saw the real baby then.

8:46 - Corinna has a Flash drive. How very Chloe O'Brian of her.

8:46 - Heavenly Creatures' husband just showed up...and he looks REALLY familiar. Hmmm. I wonder if he will shed light on why she toted a plastic baby to the Keys.

8:50 - Okay...she doesn't know his name. That makes me think he's either not married to Heavenly Creatures or...Corinna was right and she's totally nuts. Clearly, the latter would be much more entertaining. Wait!!! He was in Twister! HAHA! He was Cary Elwes right hand man.

8:52 - Whoa. Chris Meloni Head guy reacts rather strongly to Flash drives.

8:53 - I think Latino Gangster is blasting Daddy Yankee in his pimped out yellowish crap Ford.

8:54 - Corinna and Kidnapped are almost at the lighthouse...and it looks like someone's right behind them! It's Latino Gangster and Co!

8:55 - I think the pretty brother is regretting his impulsive decision to play the game with the thug who wandered into his mansion a few hours ago.

8:56 - Two old people just showed up on a motorcycle...and it looks like 7 million other people did too. Good thing this is only the first stop.

8:57 - The three Loser girls just locked eyes with 24 guy. I think they know that he conspired with Floridian truckers to eliminate them.

8:57 - Heavenly Creatures was last to the lighthouse and has earned a penalty. It's a manilla envelope with a loaded gun and a picture of a Kiera Knightley wannabe with her face circled. I'm guessing arriving last to a decision means you have to kill other contestants. Here's hoping Latino Gangster is NEVER last.

9:00 - I think someone's having a dream or a flashback that involves driving. I suspect the same thing would happen to me after the first nutty day in the Drive race.

9:01 - Olmec is reporting to a higher up. I hope it is another host of a defunct Nickelodeon show.

9:02 - Okay, there are pictures of Heavenly Creatures with a real baby. What is the deal? Did she just ditch the fetus at the hospital?

9:02 - The waitress at the diner is the teacher from Donnie Darko that was told by Jake Gyllenhaal to shove the lifeline exercise up her anus.

9:03 - I think one of the Loser girls is supposed to be killed by Heavenly Creatures.

9:04 - Kidnapped took Chris Meloni Head along for the ride and has him bound and gagged in a local motel bathtub. Very Oz.

9:07 - Upon further thought, I'm not really getting how every single contestant figured out how to solve it. Because if Corinna hadn't been on my team, I would have just ended up at a Starbucks looking around bewildered.

9:08 - "You need a cup of courage." - Why does the Donnie Darko waitress know about this contest?

9:09 - "If she's still in that car at the next checkpoint, YOU'LL be eliminated." Jesus. I wouldn't go back to that diner.

9:10 - Obligatory Kidnapped talking to a vision of his wife in the mirror scene.

9:11 - The wife is still talking to him. This is getting a little tedious.

9:11 - Chris Meloni Head says Corinna's not in the race and is using Kidnapped. Methinks either Head or Corinna is lying.

9:12 - In the course of the last 30 minutes of this show, Kidnapped has knocked out Chris Meloni Head at least four times.

9:13 - Whoa. The dorky dad is dying. I guess that KIND OF explains why he's participating, but not really.

9:13 - Second clue: "Kennedy killed in '73, and there's a clock ticking backwards." Uh. Maybe the clock is ticking back to 1968 or 1963? Which means either Dallas or LA?

9:14 - Kidnapped thinks he knows! and the Latino boys are going to follow him. Smooth.

9:15 - How exactly is Heavenly Creatures going to figure out how to gun down the Loser girl en route?

9:17 - I feel like they can't leave Florida yet, so maybe they're going to the Kennedy Space Center. Get it? Like a countdown to liftoff? Corinna, thoughts?

9:19 - 24 guy is about to cheat. Although since we missed the orientation (like Kidnapped), maybe he's not.

9:20 - Heavenly Creatures just called some creepy lady who has her real baby. It's good to know there's a real baby in the picture.

9:21 - The baby looks like it has a rash. Maybe they put a Rally Monkey in its crib.

9:22 - Uh oh. Kidnapped is calling Corinna's bluff. "Who are you?" "I'm just trying to find answers at the finish line like everybody else."

9:23 - The Flash drive has vital stats on all the contestants. But how did Corinna get her paws on that drive?

9:24 - HAH! Cape Canaveral!! 24 guy and Emma. We'll all over this.

9:25 - "They look like hoodlums." - dorky dad glancing nervously at Latino gangsters in rearview mirror.

9:26 - Why are the Latinos following the dorky dad and daughter instead of Kidnapped and Corinna?

9:27 - Why are people actually chasing each other in this game? Doesn't the existence of the clues kind of eliminate the need?

9:27 - Corinna just kicked Kidnapped's ass with a laptop or something! Seriously, what is her deal?

9:32 - Kidnapped woke up. His car is gone. That cunt totally stole it! Now what? I take back everything I said about Corinna.

9:32 - HAHA! Heavenly Creatures just shot the back tire of Loser Girls' car. Smooth.

9:33 - Kidnapped just hitchhiked with a giant mother of a truck.

9:34 - "Didn't you have a baby?" "Um. Recently." "No, like, yesterday." Loser Girl totally sees through Heavenly Creatures' facade.

9:35 - I think this kindly truck driver has drugs or something in the back.

9:35 - Man. Corinna did not get far with that truck.

9:36 - Okay...Corinna has a gun and she likes to shoot it at people. I so don't get her.

9:37 - "You're not the only person they took someone from!" Oh, Corinna.

9:38 - Okay, so the flashback from earlier was a young Corinna from 28 years before. I like Corinna again. She is so like Helen Hunt's character in Twister, recklessly involving herself with shizzle to get vengence for lost parents back in childhood. Hopefully, we can find another Twister connection before 10, because then we can have a Twister Trifecta.

9:42 - I miss when Omar Epps was legit hot.

9:43 - Latin Gangster and Co are at Cape Canaveral, but Heavenly Creatures and Loser Girls are still having a gun standoff. I'm thinking she might be last again and will have another moral dilemma about killing someone off.

9:44 - So the Loser Girl is now in Heavenly Creatures' car. I'm thinking that's probably breaking the rules, despite our ignorance about the official rules.

9:45 - I'm so glad Corinna not a bad seed like Chris Meloni Head guy. But I would like to know how she got the Flash drive.

9:47 - Corinna just walloped Head with a shovel. Seriously, that guy must have so many deathly internal head injuries at this point.

9:47 - Dorky dad just passed out. Perhaps now would be an ideal time to tell his daughter about his whole having less than a year to live thing.

9:51 - Latino Gangster has called his brother "holmes" at least 20 times so far. When the writers latch on to a hackneyed phrase, they don't let go.

9:52 - Olmec is apparently okay about Heavenly Creatures figuring out a way to eliminate the Loser Girl without actually killing her.

9:53 - They're all going to Rome, Georgia now. I totally don't get why. Oh, and this is "just a qualifying round."

9:54 - Dorky dad hasn't told the daughter yet. Maybe he will during May sweeps.

9:54 - Dorky dad's daughter is a MUCH better driver than he is. He didn't have the gumption.

9:55 - Kidnapped almost literally ran into Heavenly Creatures on the sidewalk by Cape Canaveral.

9:56 - Whoa! The weirdo truck driver that picked up Kidnapped had his WIFE in the back of his truck. That's mildly better than my drugs theory, and it's very creepy that everyone in Florida is involved in this race in some capacity.

9:57 - All the random contestants take a moment to watch a rocket launch at Cape Canaveral for inspiration to compete in tomorrow's episode.

9:58 - In the next episode, Kidnapped gets arrested and 24 guy is supposed to go to Fort Benning for a court martial. There is a participant in the 7th Annual Emma Grimshaw Letter Writing Contest from Fort Benning.

9:59 - HAHA. Kidnapped and Corinna have to rob a bank, and they get the Latino gangster to help. Amazing.

That was a pretty shitty show. But I watched it so you didn't have to.

Also, several people have expressed surprise slash shock over this, so I thought I should let everyone know - Ariel Sharon is still alive. I am obviously the only person in the world who checks his Wikipedia entry daily to see if he's finally succombed to his last intravenous meal. He has not. His studliness prevails.



At 6:54 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...



At 11:39 AM, Blogger Wardens World said...

For once I agree with Alana: a very funny piece. That show did look dreadful. Good to have you back...

At 4:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Kiera Knightly wannabe girl? AKA Taryn Manning AKA co-star in Britney Spears' leap to the big screen: Crossroads.

Just thought you'd might like to know



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