Thursday, February 01, 2007

Official Confirmation That Dreamgirls Wasn't That Good: The Weenie Enema Oscar Preview.

I don't think I could have stomached two mediocre musicals winning Best Picture within five years of each other. Thankfully, that is no longer a possibility. Although (as usual) I have many, many issues with the nomination selection process, most of them are overshadowed by the Academy refusing to bow down to peer pressure and relegating Dreamgirls to Supporting Actor/Actress glories and the musical and art categories that no one cares about. This is a huge step in my overall goal - being annointed Offical Person Who Selects the Winners of the Academy Awards.

As many of my loyal readers are aware, I am already the Only Official Person Who Acknowledges the Spice Girls and a Possible Reunion Tour in the Coming Years.

Actor in a Leading Role.
Leonardo DiCaprio - Blood Diamond.
Ryan Gosling - Half Nelson.
Peter O'Toole - Venus.
Will Smith - The Pursuit of Happyness.
Forest Whitaker - The Last King of Scotland.

I bet Leo wasn't the only one who laughed out loud when he saw Blood Diamond next to his name. Are they serious? He's getting nominated for doing a horrible imitation of Charlize with facial hair and running around after Djimon Hounsou in South Africa? Did the Academy see The Departed? "Sure, he was good in the Scorcese movie, but it can't compete with, 'In America, it's bling bling. But out here, it's bling bang.'"
The Ryan Gosling selection is interesting, because the hardcore film creatures at OscarWatch have been prattling on about this Half Nelson movie forever, and I'm not aware of anyone outside of that Website who has any idea this movie exists. He's clearly not going to win, but it would have been nice if this selection somehow pushed out the biannual attempt to glorify the Fresh Prince. Remember when Will Smith was legitimately cool and made Westerns with Kenneth Branagh?

"Ay dios mio! The teleprompter is in English!" - Salma Hayek.

Who Was Hardcore Gypped Like The Wolf?: The same person who was gypped by the Foreign Press - Patrick Wilson in Little Children. But, you know, they HAD to nominate Leo twice. Because out here, it's bling bang.

Weenie Enema prediction: Although the old man poon lust was mouthdroppingly insane, Ugandan dictators are creepier. Especially when they advocate hanging people by their skin and disassembling Kerry Washington's body into an unrecognizable, congealed mess.

Oops, that's Robert Mugabe, not Idi Amin. Africa is confusing.

Actor in a Supporting Role.
Alan Arkin - Little Miss Sunshine.
Jackie Earle Haley - Little Children.
Djimon Hounsou - Blood Diamond.
Eddie Murphy - Dreamgirls.
Mark Whalberg - The Departed.

The Blood Diamond promotional tour continues. Somewhere, Jennifer Connolly is standing on a dock staring mournfully out at the water. Because she does that in every movie she has ever been in. At least Djimon wasn't doing a Charlize impression. Or playing a creepy half-naked guy with AIDS who stares at naive Irish girls.
With the exception of the requisite Dreamgirls selection, the rest of the list is solid. However, have you noticed that Mark Whalberg gets hotter as his hair gets shorter, and significantly grosser when the hair gets longer? Observe:

Short hair = hot.

Long hair = gross.
Very strange.
This rule also applies to Denzel Washington.

No hair = hot.

Longer hair = ew.
Clearly something I should have dedicated an entire post to.

Who Was Hardcore Gypped Like the Wolf?: Brad Pitt. Without question. The guy is one of the worst mainstream actors ever, but put him in a room with Cate Blanchett weeing herself and give him some gnarly gray facial hair, and you have majesty.

Weenie Enema Prediction: The father of TWO Spice Girl babies (fingers crossed) will momentarily rise above his Bowfinger past and get heckled by the Scary Spice supporters who were conspiciously absent during his Golden Globe win. Actually, this is more of a hope than a prediction. Take from it what you will.

"This was fun, but it's time to go back to filming Bowfinger 4."

Actress in a Leading Role.
Penelope Cruz - Volver.
Judi Dench - Notes on a Scandal.
Helen Mirren - The Queen.
Meryl Streep - The Devil Wears Prada.
Kate Winslet - Little Children.

I don't think it's possible to be more in love with a category. Everyone in here was amazing and deserves something, although I think the Academy simply feels obligated to honor Meryl as often as they can. (See of the Heart, Music.) Although it's almost moot to speculate on this at all, since everyone knows who's going to win, I think special props should go out to Judi Dench, whose on-screen partnership with the Maine Coon cat was the stuff of legends. Was the previous sentence simply an excuse to put in a picture of an over-fluffed creature of wonderment?

Duh. Of course it was.

And I know I'm going to get hate mail about this, but seeing that cat on top of a fish tank is making me wonder if the insertion of the Maine Coon in Notes was supposed to be creepy animal symbolism...because...cats like fish and Judi likes - alright. I'm done. Just something to consider.

Who Was Hardcore Gypped Like the Wolf?: No one was, but let's just say Jennifer Connolly for Blood Diamond so she comes off that dock and stops moping.

Weenie Enema Prediction: Helen Mirren's dress at the Globes was too long to see if the thunder calves of the Queen were prosthetic or not, but maybe we'll find out later this month!

Edible calf. Mmmmm.

Actress in a Supporting Role.
Adriana Barraza - Babel.
Cate Blanchett - Notes on a Scandal.
Abigail Breslin - Little Miss Sunshine.
Jennifer Hudson - Dreamgirls.
Rinko Kikuchi - Babel.

Although this is another category where the winner has been all but announced, Cate Blanchett deserves some kind of reward from humanity for having to endure the seductive finger stroking of Judi Dench on her forearms for what seemed like an eternity. Now, people who have seen the movie will be quick to point out that she makes up for that by having multiple hot nude scenes with the Irish boy who looks likes a wolf. Yes. We liked. But no one deserves to be poon stalked by Judi Dench, not even if your sex partner is Balto.

Cate Blanchett getting lucky.

Cate Blanchett getting not so lucky.

Who Was Hardcore Gypped Like The Wolf?: Sylvia Syms for The Queen, the only person who legitimately could provide comic relief as the Queen Mum, and did. That movie would have been dryer than - no, I promised I would stop talking about Judi.

Weenie Enema Prediction:
If Jennifer Hudson winning Best Supporting Actress means we never have to hear about Dreamgirls ever again, then I will grit my teeth and accept fate. I still maintain my allegience to The Rinko. If she gets typecast as a deaf mute, she could totally play Helen Keller in a remake of The Miracle Worker. And for a brief period of time, I would probably be allowed to share my Helen Keller jokes with the world outside my apartment/Devra.

Helen Keller went to town, riding on a pony. Stuck a feather in her cap and called it mmmeerrroooooo.

Since I think the Deaf Mute Rights Association is about to shut me down, just know that Babel should win Best Picture. The end.

One more Maine Coon for the road.


At 2:10 AM, Blogger Karol said...

Re: Marky Mark. I think that based on your pictures it's actually young=hot, old=gross.

At 5:24 AM, Blogger e.e.grimshaw said...

untrue. marky mark was hardcore hunkified in the departed. why? not because he was young, but because his HAIR WAS SHORT. come on now.

At 8:58 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000....

That was the Movie Forrest Whitaker was in where he was dressed like the Painting from Ghostbusters II.

Just thought I'd share.


At 9:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


Bobby Ragsdale Towers High.


At 2:34 PM, Blogger Karol said...

What part of "based on your pictures" was unclear? :-P

At 8:06 AM, Blogger e.e.grimshaw said...

dear karol,
the tude needs to go. like the wolf.


Post a Comment

<< Home