Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Either I Am Inherently Wise, Or Awards Shows Are Mad Predictable.

Clearly the former.
I have obviously been slacking regarding my wall-to-wall coverage of Superficial Awards Show Goodness 2K7, but we will try to rectify the situation as best we can.

First, a few words must be said about the Golden Globes. My predicting powers are second to none:
Best Picture - Babel.
Right on. If you will recall, my exact words regarding this category were: "Bobby is the answer to the questions, 'What doesn't belong here?' and 'Why did Emilio Estevez let an anonymous man from the Hollywood Foreign Press Association suckle him for two hours last week?'" I love when we have the answer to questions before they're even asked. It's very Jeopardy!. At any rate, I have been in full support of the Babel Oscar push since Day 1, and this is definitely a step in the right direction.

"Take a bath with me, Hollywood Foreign Press. Rooowr."

Best Actress (Drama) - Helen Mirren.
ZZZZ. I got that one right too, but the chances of someone else winning were roughly equivalent to the chances of Barack Obama not having blue lips. Did I say that? Um...Hillary 2008!

I love the Eleanor Roosevelt corpse behind her.

Best Actor (Drama) - Forest Whitaker.
Again, was anyone surprised? While everyone knew the outcome of this race, I feel like I'm definitely in the minority in terms of actually seeing the movie and witnessing vomiting spectators. And while I really have nothing against Forest and his lazy eye, his bumbling performance at the podium in which he claimed he didn't know he was going to win was balderdash. SHEER BALDERDASH. So far, three for three.

I do not recall a movie in which Forest Whitaker played the creepy ghost painting in Ghostbusters 2. Shrug.

Best Supporting Actress - Jennifer Hudson.

Seriously. I don't know why they even had the last hour of the Globes. If Rinko staged a hit on her (which she should totally do, because she was ROBBED), the Post headline would be "Japanese Deaf-Mute Poon Flasher Caps Dreamgirl." That would be funny.

She'll probably never be in another English language movie, but we love The Rinko.

Best Supporting Actor (Drama) - Eddie Murphy.
I failed. I picked Brad Pitt. But that's because I'm RIGHT and he SHOULD have won. If I've said it once, I've said it a million times - you should not be rewarded for playing yourself. Christ.
However, sometimes it is necessary to own up to mistakes. I predicted that if Eddie won, the Spice Girls would mob the stage. This did not happen. But if they had reunited like they were SUPPOSED to, they would have.

If the father of her kid is also Eddie Murphy, I will never stop laughing.

Best Motion Picture (Musical or Comedy) - Dreamgirls.

Shrug. I suck. I said Borat. Let this be a lesson to all of us. In an Ali G/Beyonce grudge match, sometimes the pseudo British rapper does not win. My bad.

That's basically the outfit I wore to school every day in high school. Except the jumpsuit was neon green. This is why I talk to no one from high school.

Best Actress (Musical or Comedy) - Meryl Streep.
I'm making a comeback. However, if they had put Judi Dench in this category for Notes on a Scandal, which they should have, because she was HARDCORE funny, this would have been a much tighter race. Remember when Natalie beat out Meryl for a Globe in 2004 (5 MINUTES after Mariska won)? Sigh of happiness.

Note to Rinko: If you had flashed your poon at Clive Owen, you would have taken home the Globe.

I'm ignoring the other awards because they're not as fun. But as you can see, I am awesome at this. At least this year. Stay tuned for tomorrow's Oscar preview, and I MIGHT do something totally lame tonight and liveblog the PBS Supreme Court documentary, which should cut my readership roughly in half.

Random quiz of the day: Who can name the Supreme Court justice named after my favorite food?


At 1:12 PM, Blogger David said...

As ever, you provide smiles.

At 6:13 AM, Blogger e.e.grimshaw said...

All positive comments (rare as they are) are appreciated. If I send you a copy of my dad's book "A Wing Ding at Uncle Tug's and Other Stories," usually reserved for winners of my annual letter writing contest, can i get a copy of "Global Gangland"??
P.S. I like your eye patch. It reminds me of Johnny Depp if he were non tool-like.


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