Monday, January 29, 2007

Peter O'Toole Trolling for Poon is All Well and Good...Except If He's, Like, 95.


1.9 stars.

The term "nauseatingly disgusting" can mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people. For instance, there are some people who think that the gratuitous carnage and anal penetration on Oz is "nauseatingly disgusting." Some people, like myself, can deal with it out of respect for the hardcore badassness of the show. Some people think saccharine-laced gagfests like a film adoptation of a Nicholas Sparks novel fall into this category. I would agree. However, there are some things in life that are just so beyond gross that every single person with a rational thought process has to find them creepy and deeply disturbing. For instance, let's say - and I'm not speaking from any first-hand experience; I'm just trying to conjure up the most disgusting concept imaginable - you came across someone giving a dog a blowjob and the dog jizzed all over their face. That would be REALLY REALLY gross, and unless you're...no, I can't think of a single person on the planet that would be okay with that. Maybe there's a really sick pup (no pun intended) out there in the Nebraska cornfields into that, but I've got to think they're in an extremely tiny minority on this one.

This dog cannot be doing anything disgusting because it has clothes on.

With that in mind, I feel the main theme in Venus falls into the universal category of "nauseatingly disgusting." There is no doggie jism anywhere, but the entire plot is about Peter O'Toole's unhealthy sexual fixation on a girl younger than me. I had a brief conversation with the kid at work who looks like Bambi about movies in which older men go after younger women, and neither one of us could think of anything as astoundingly perturbing as what I witnessed. There is a HUGE difference between, say, Jack Nicholson and Helen Hunt getting together and Peter O'Toole and Jodie Whittaker having a weird sexual tension thing going on. (In the interest of legit journalism and whatnot, in real life, Jodie is a bit older than me, but I find this fact irrelevent because she's playing a girl who's supposed to be about 17 and looks it.) A 70-year-old man getting with a 30-year-old woman is strange and certainly attracts some negative attention, but there's SUCH a dramatic dropoff when you compare that to the same 70-year-old man going after someone 10 or more years younger. There's a blurry boundary line there, but believe me, Peter O'Toole crosses it and then some.

See? They have all their clothes on, and it STILL looks creepy.

Peter doesn't help the situation by aging HORRIBLY. Don't get me wrong - Peter O'Toole is one of the last remaining fixtures from the badass era of cinema, but it turns out that sucking on cancer sticks for 70 years makes you look...older than 70. It also turns out that having a weak Irish jawline exacerbates a wrinkly gullet neck situation. So Peter looks about 90 and like he's going to keel over at any moment. It's not a pretty sight. Not only do we have to LOOK at Peter O'Toole for an hour and half, but we have to watch him lust after nubile flesh. It is not made apparent why said nubile flesh has no problem with yellow, decaying teeth and more wrinkles than the pug I saw this past weekend with my cousin that was chained to a metal cellar door thing on the sidewalk wearing a maroon hoodie that said "JUICY DRAMA QUEEN" on it. I named her Drama Bojangles of Carpathia.


I still have no idea what the point of making this movie was. It can't simply be a showcase for Peter O'Toole's sagging old man face, because everyone knows about it, and the old chap has clearly had his day, back when the sagging old man face looked less like a poon. And it can't be because the idea of the movie itself was a good idea, because...it's not.

In case you think I've been exaggerating about this, I'm going to provide you with two clear-cut examples from this movie that will probably make you want to throw up a little in your mouth. Like I did two weeks ago when the homeless woman on the bus who smelled like cat pee fell on me.
1. The first five minutes of the movie involve a Peter O'Toole prostate exam.
It's not brief, it's not tasteful. It's a trough-dropping old man, it's a lubricated finger, and it's a lot of uncomfortable noises, only one of which comes from the top portion of Peter's body.
2. The poon-sniffing incident.
It's not nearly as funny as it sounds. Towards the end of the movie, Jodie Whitaker, fully aware that Peter O'Toole has an old man lust crush on her, fingers herself and lets him inhale her musk. He breathes deeply and then tries to SUCK the fingers. I died a little everywhere.

SPIRIT FINGERS!

In conclusion, Venus is grosser than the diseased udders on the mad cow costume on eBay that I wanted to buy, and I am boycotting all movies with advertisements depicting old men with neck vaginas.

5 Comments:

At 8:16 AM, Anonymous alexiss376 said...

have you seen "children of men"? if not, i highly recommend it. mostly because one man's last words before dying are (no kidding): "pull my finger"

 
At 6:15 AM, Blogger e.e.grimshaw said...

You are not the first person to tell me that. Admittedly, I thought the trailer looked really interesting, but I made a promise to myself that I would steer clear of non-Oscar movies this season so as to not ruin my pretentious palate. But when it comes out on DVD, I may rent it. Good compromise?

 
At 1:33 PM, Anonymous alexiss376 said...

actually it was nominated for an oscar... best adapted screenplay, but i suppose that's not glamorous enough for you

 
At 5:26 AM, Blogger e.e.grimshaw said...

that seems like a slam. but since it's a totally spot-on assessment, i can't really take offense to it. i will concede that the other nominees in that category are very badass. but you should probably ignore me - i'm still miffed that notes on a scandal was ignored for best picture.

 
At 12:51 PM, Blogger BerettaMego said...

I'm thoroughly disturbed by all images running through my head at this moment. I'm happy to say I have not seen this movie yet and nor do I ever want to. Thanks for the graphic warning.

 

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