ANTHROPOMORPHIC BEARS!!!

I thought it was high time we dedicate a post to one of my favorite concepts ever - anthropomorphic bears, i.e, bears that act like humans. A list of the best anthropomorphic bears has been compiled.

1. Paddington Bear. (also a top Kim Wong pick)

This guy came into work today wearing a coat that looked EXACTLY like Paddington's. But the guy looks like Bambi, which makes the image a little difficult to describe, but it was flat out amazing and thoroughly amused me for about 15 minutes, during which I did some research on Paddington and discovered a shit ton of information about him that I had completely forgotten during the aging process. For instance, while Paddington is largely considered British, having been named after Paddington Station in London, he's actually from Peru. His Aunt Lucy sent him to England as a stowaway - entirely inconceivable in this day and age, although maybe they should do an updated story about Paddington's misadventures with airport security and racial bear profiling. I would buy it.

Paddington Bear and the K-9 Unit: A Paddington Bear Homeland Security Book

2. Mr. Wiggles.

Interestingly, this was the only bear on the impromptu list I created who was also not cross-referenced on the Wikipedia list of fictional bears. I'm not sure if that's ignorance or good taste on the part of Wikipedia, but the quality of their site has clearly diminished as a result.
Mr. Wiggles is an INCREDIBLY offensive character in an INCREDIBLY offensive comic strip called Rehabilitating Mr. Wiggles that appears in the free weekly New York pape New York Press. When I put incredibly in caps, it means that it's so offensive, that sometimes even I get mildly disgusted. That's not to say I don't love it, but if you've ever read anything on this blog and found it offensive, you probably would despise the comic. And probably get hardcore nauseous. For further reference, this is the kind of strip that makes me chuckle and cringe simultaneously for a good 20 minutes:

See what I mean? It's so inappropriate, but...I'm positive I've said pretty much the same kind of thing to Drunk Erin a million times, especially about Dakota Fanning. Heh. Must not laugh. Mmph.

If you go to www.neilswaab.com, you can find literally hundreds of other comics like this, some of them even grosser. Mr. Wiggles chain smokes, regularly uses hookers for sexual gratification, I suspect is a legit junkie, and does things with poop that even Devra couldn't think of. He is clearly the anti-Paddington.

3. Snuggle Bear (also a top Devra pick).

Mr. Wiggles would do something very naughty with Snuggle if given the chance. But that's because Snuggle is so snuggly and cottony and detergenty...I don't know about you, but I have ALWAYS loved the smell of laundromats, and I used to play cards with my Milford homedogs in our local laundromat until I got thrown out for eating hamburgers. True story. Snuggle personifies (hence the anthropomorphism theme) laundry goodness, and his only fundamental weakness is that, despite his fluffy wonderment, he lost out the primo spot on my pillow to a balding, leprosy-ridden teddy named Big Bear. Was Snuggle a boy or a girl? I'm pretty sure I often see him referenced as a he, but he's kind of...fey. I don't know any straight guys that giggle while throwing soft fleece comforters in the air. Yes, I know Weenie Brian does that, that's exactly my point.

4. The Coca-Cola Polar Bears.

Is it uncool to admit that when I was about 13, there was a Coke commercial with these bears that made me cry? Eh, probably. No matter. They wear scarves, have snowball fights and drink Coke. That is beyond neat. I'm trying to remember why the commercial made my cry. I think the little polar bear dropped a Coke bottle into the Arctic or...broke a snowman and got upset, and I in turn did the same. That was probably a bit TMI. Averts eyes. We heart the Coke bears, even thought we are official adherents to the Pepsi methodology of goodness.

5. Winnie the Pooh (also a BRags top pick).

He's so much more likable naked.
I feel rather saddened that the original image of Winnie has been diluted so much by updated television series and distorted merchandise. People forget that he was the star of the Greatest Book of All Time, The House at Pooh Corner, which has some of the most noble lines ever written. They just blow my mind:

"Pooh, promise you won't forget about me, ever.
Not even when I'm a hundred," said Christopher Robin.
Pooh thought for a little while. "How old shall I be then?"
"Ninety-Nine."
Pooh nodded. "I promise," he said.

There's another quote with Piglet that I adore, but every time I cite it, someone makes a gay joke, and I feel Pooh and Piglet are so beyond that sort of shizzle.
Portly stuffed animals are amazing, and I fear that our generation will soon forgot that at the beginning, Pooh was but a simple teddy with very little brain. Sigh.

6. Too-Tall Grizzly.

Oh, those crazy Berenstain Bears and their orsine villains that dress like James Cagney.
Too-Tall Grizzly was, like so many child-targeted villains, infinitely more interesting than the protagonists shoveled into the unknowing traps of countless toddlers. Brother and Sister Bear were beyond useless, although somewhere in the nethers of my house in New Jersey is a picture of Big Bear meeting Brother Bear at a bookstore signing with their snouts touching. (Back when Big Bear had a snout.) That was legitimately one of the top 10 greatest moments from my childhood. Too-Tall had his own posse of bears, and I believe they wore the same outfit. But most of the orsos in Bear Country did that. So unimaginative in the fashion department.

7. The Soviet Union bear from the Ronald Reagan 1984 election.

This doesn't really count because the bear isn't doing any fun human things, but since the underlying message is that the bear is a symbol of the Soviet Union, I have granted it an exception. It kind of makes me like the Soviet Union, but then I'm disgustingly pro-bear. Also, it was a very effective campaign ad, probably one of the best TV ones ever at least, and made Mondale look even lamer. As if that were possible. This is not widely known, but if Al Gore had had a bear commercial during the 2000 campaign, Hillary would be in the White House right now. I have no data backing that up, unless you count my senile Hill BFF rants as legitimate science. You probably shouldn't.

8. Aloysius from Brideshead Revisited (Honorable Mention).

Another bear that has no human qualities, but it appears to be named after the 15-pound purple weight underneath my futon, and, like Big Bear, has been taken along on collegiate and high school joy rides around the countryside. They have a kinship like no other.

I promised my cousin that I would mention his favorite bear, Richard Hatch. While this completely ruins any argument or showcase I was creating here, Weenie Enema officially supports genetic loyalty. To further clarify, I support my cousin's wish, not Richard Hatch's to be gross and naked.