Monday, December 04, 2006

Because No One Else Would Take the Time To Tell You Where the Newsies Went After Selling Their Papes.

In the vein of my award-winning recap on the Magnificent Seven Olympic team, I am providing a "Where Are They Now?" Newsies edition.

Christian Bale - "Jack 'Cowboy' Kelly"

The Welsh Marlon was already pretty famous by the time Newsies came out, thanks to his critically-acclaimed debut in Empire of the Sun a few years earlier, and was thus rewarded with the lead role in the Best Movie Basically Ever. Does he still put this on his resume? Based on the interminable five-minute scene where he pretends to ride a horse, I'm going to guess not, but maybe the lad has a sense of humor after all these years.


He's still hot and still ascending the career ladder. Thanks to some very interesting but not always huge movies, Christian developed what I can only call a high-profile cult following and was most recently seen in The Prestige, which DB Bogangles saw and enjoyed, and which I think is still in some theaters. Spurned of an Oscar nomination in both Little Women and American Psycho, he will probably unfortunately be known as the pensive Batman with the womb-carrier of Cruise spawn. We love.

David Moscow - "David Jacobs"

Definitely does not get enough props for this brilliance. His character does a completely about face, and by the end of the movie, he's covered in ink and pushing 100 papes a day. It's hard to get noticed when you're sharing the headlines (no pun intended) with the Bale juggernaut.


He's a LITTLE creepy looking now. Despite his looks taking a turn for the worst, David is engaged to actress Kerry Washington, who was the woman who got so mutilated in The Last King of Scotland that I almost threw up. Thankfully, in real life, Kerry Washington is much easier on the eyes and has all of her body parts connected. God. Shudder.
David is still making movies, but none of them involve wearing britches and selling papes, so he has successfully avoided the limelight for the last 14 years.

Luke Edwards - "Les Jacobs"

He spent most of the movie either pretending to have TB or riding on Christian Bale's shoulders, neither one a particularly bad deal when you think about it. He wasn't as useless a tool as his sister. Who has herpes simplex.


Well, I couldn't have predicted he was going to end up being the polar opposite of his fake brother. Two years after Newsies, he showed up in Little Big League, which is an amazing, amazing movie, and if you've ever had the urge to just randomly manage a major league ballclub with no previous managerial experience, this is the film for you. He's also been in the Oscar-caliber Jeepers Creepers 2 and a slew of shizzle that no one has ever heard of. If I were him, I would follow Christian Bale around and every five minutes yell, "Sell papes with me? Cough cough. I have TB."

Max Casella - "Racetrack Higgins"

He will always be the kid from Doogie Howser to me, no matter how many stogies get stolen from him by an irascible little scamp with lice. His part is fairly minimal; despite the appearance of an ensemble cast, they really only get together when it's time to do a 2-minute ditty about seizing the day. But with the exception of Christian Bale, he has the best Newsies accent ever.


He's seen better days, but he got his thespian second wings on the Sopranos and also played the Broadway Timon in the Lion King, which was undoubtedly 10 times less annoying than when Nathan Lane pretended to be a meercat. Although come to think of it, they DO have a similar cadence in their voice that doesn't necessarily scream homosexuality, but is eerily reminscent of an Italian Gilbert Gottfried.

Gabriel Damon - "Spot Conlon"

There has NEVER been a more badass prepubescent ragamuffin. He makes Macauley Culkin's character in Home Alone look like...I don't know, the non-Oz equivalent of a bottom. If that makes sense. If you aren't a big fan of Brooklyn or the people who inhabit said borough, I suggest studying this character, because it's impossible not to develop a newfound appreciation for our posse members on the other side of the East River. NEVER FEAR, BROOKLYN IS HERE. - 14th best line ever uttered in movie history.


He still looks pee-inducing intimidating, and he hasn't grown into his eyes, much like Elijah Wood. Since Newsies, his career has been pretty sedate, with guest appearances on Baywatch and ER. To my knowledge his one-episode gig on ER can't compare with the amazing 6-episode greatness of Kirsten Dunst. You know, before she became an embarassing twat with bad teeth. BUT, he redeems himself because...
HE WAS THE VOICE OF LITTLEFOOT IN LAND BEFORE TIME. How absolutely amazing. I am at a loss for words.

"Littlefoot, you must find the Great Valley. Past the shadow that looks like a longneck and over the mountains that burn."
The 4,522nd movie to make me cry.

Marty Belafsky - "Crutchy"

Easily the most annoying character since Oprah appeared in movies, Crutchy spent most of the movie in a boys' reformatory because he's an idiot and didn't book when the fuzz came in to break up the strike shizzle. God. Why Christian Bale would risk life and limb to save this gimpy crapfest is beyond my comprehension.


He no longer has the crutch, but little else appears to have changed. Can't you just tell from that smarmy mug that he's a comedian now? Thankfully, I've done the hard work for you. This is his official website, and this is the excerpt about Newsies, which I think is pretty funny, so if I have an extra 10 bucks at some point, I may check out Crutchy's act:
So as many of you may know, I was in the movie "Newsies".

If you're a girl, it's the most awesome Disney musical EVER set in 1899 about newsboys who go on strike, and it has cute guys dressed in cool outfits singing fun songs and dancing.

If you're a straight guy, it's fruity-ass musical and most of you wouldn't be caught dead watching this gay crap.

If you're a gay guy, it's a the most awesome Disney musical EVER set in 1899 about newsboys who go on strike and it has cute guys dressed in cool outfits singing fun songs and dancing.

And if you're a priest, it's an erotic thriller.

I played Crutchy, the cripple who was arrested and had to be saved by dancing and singing newspaper boys. That's real cool with the ladies.

It was weird being a child star - not that I was one - but I hung out with some, and you have not lived until you've partied with a nine year old whose parents ask him for money.

This one time I was at a party at Macauley Culkin's house. He’s doing donuts in his new viper. It's in his mom's name, but she's not allowed to touch it.

Screech from Saved by the Bell would knock at the door, everyone would be like "Shhh, turn off the lights, maybe he'll leave."

We would crank call Topanga from "Boy Meets World," and be like " Hello, this is Mister Feeney, you have nice boobs."

And I was innocent compared to these child stars. I would be like, "hey I stole a cigarette" Then the robot girl, Vicki, from Small Wonder would be like, "that's weak, I have an eight ball of crack in the car."

And for some reason Michael Jackson always seemed to show up

Now to answer some Frequently Asked Questions:

Are you kidding? Christian Bale and I are so tight that in the next Batman the Caped Crusader will have have a sidekick with a limp. Seriously, though, none of us really hang out anymore (it has been 15 years since we made the movie) but I do run into some of the guys every once in a while and we talk about things like the current price of "papes" and whether anyone's hooked up with Medda.

Didn't you just read the last question? Cuz the answer's right there! Fine (sheesh!) I'll say it again. Fifteen years ago. God, I feel old.

That's a good question. If you go hop on over to my bio page you can read alllll about it!

Hopefully, yes. I'm currently trying to book shows all across this crazy country so that I can crack you up in the near future.

Thanks again to all the phenomenal Newsie fans out there (especially the ones who love Crutchy!). You guys are incredible and I know I speak for all the Newsies when I say we really appreicate your support and love of the movie. Carry the Banner!

That is so unbelievably smart to dedicate half of his website to Crutchy. His character was annoying but the actor clearly gets "it."
He's doing a USO tour in London and Bahrain this month, thus cementing his status as my new BFF.

Bill Pullman - "Byron Denton"

Weenie Enema has a "we don't give Bill Pullman any publicity" clause. Sorry. Check over at a rabid Casper fan's blog. I'm sure they can help you out.


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