Thursday, November 30, 2006

In Defense of the Austrian Sex God.

I am deeply saddened to report that Arnold Schwarzenegger, the Golden God himself, has finally succumbed to the completely biased and inaccurate depiction of himself:
California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger distanced himself from President George W. Bush on national television yesterday, saying he was as far from his fellow Republican as he was from winning an Academy Award during his film career.

"To link me to George Bush is like linking me to an Oscar," the former bodybuilder and Hollywood action star joked during an appearance on NBC's "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno." "That's ridiculous."

What? Arnold? What are you talking about? Do you FOLLOW your own film career? I am not disputing that Arnold and George Bush share nothing more than a political party, and considering the obvious Kennedy influences at play, that's a pretty loose association at best. But not worthy of an Oscar? Has Arnold seen his own movies?

By my count, Arnold Schwarzenegger should have WON at least 3 Oscars, and been nominated for several others. The problem with the Academy is that its nomination process automatically eliminates badass movies, even when the acting and stage presence are off the charts. If it's not a drama or a pretentious free-for-all (which I love, mind you), everything else is discounted, and who suffers from that? Austrian deities like Arnold "Chiseled Jawline of Goodness" Schwarzenegger.

For the benefit of Arnold and everyone else who doubts the Great One based on a few stinkbombs at the box office, I am providing a chronological list of everything Arnold has accomplished - and been intentionally ignored for.

1976 - Stay Hungry.

This may be the only movie that Arnold got any recognition for - he won a Golden Globe for Best Acting Debut (Male) for his portrayal of...well...a bodybuilder. But he still only knew, like, 5 words in English - which is 4 more than Peter Lorre knew during the filming of The Man Who Knew Too Much (1934). Fact. So for the sake of argument, let's say Arnold should have been nominated. Because even if he wasn't blowing the critics away, we're talking about the year of Sly Stallone's Oscar nomination. Arnold could easily replace him there. Sylvester went up some steps in a really asthetically unappealing drab gray sweatsuit.
Total: 1 Oscar nomination

1982 - Conan the Barbarian.

I REALLY don't like the Conan movies, or any movie where Arnold hair lies limply on his metallic buttocks. It's not appealing, and I've never been into barbaric sword fights where Peter Jackson or Ridley Scott didn't have directorial input. That said, his presence is undisputable and he totally nails Conan down. Arnold is the only actor ever to be nailed to a cross in at least two different movies under completely different circumstances without playing a biblical character. Probably.
Total: 2 Oscar nominations

1984 - The Terminator.

There are three main reasons why Arnold should have won the Oscar several months after my womb exit. Number one - he was still gorgeous throughout the movie, despite literally smelling like a dead cat and having no eyebrows for most of the movie. Talk about overcoming hardcore hurdles. Number two - some people get Oscars for being ugly in films, like Charlize and Nicole. I propose giving it out to people who ACCOMPLISH something significant during the movie. In this case, Arnold literally grabs Bill Paxton's heart out of his chest and leaves it on a basketball court in LA. If that had happened in Twister, Phillip Seymour Hoffman's careeer would have skyrocketed 10 years earlier than it did.
Total: 1 Oscar win, 3 nominations

1987 - Predator.

If Arnold from Predator and Marlon from Streetcar came within 5 feet of each other, they would explode into neon lights spelling out "SWOON." He's THAT hunkified in this sci-fi Amazonian rainforest alien shitstorm of camoflagued visual treasures. He simply towers over other hardcore stalwarts with machine guns, like Jesse Ventura chewing tobacco and Carl Weathers from Rocky. And he kills an alien and looks him right in the eye and says, "You are one...ugly...motherfucker." No one else would do that. Not even Chuck Norris and his stupid random fact generator. Arnold doesn't even NEED a random fact generator.
Total: 1 Oscar win, 4 nominations

1988 - Twins.

Never in all my days have I seen anyone else look good in Chuckie T's and shorts, but that's besides the point. What we have here is the only Arnold character that I could have legitimately taken advantage of. Although we're supposed to swallow the idea that Danny Devito and his trainwreck midget body could outwit the tree trunked Arnold, Twins redeems itself by providing us with Arnold's first stab at physical comedy - and it hits on all cylinders. Out of any win or nomination I'm proposing, I suspect this is the one that is going to elicit the most criticism, but that's perfectly understandable when you consider a) no one appreciates Arnold to begin with b) no one appreciates performances in comedies and c) this isn't a very good comedy. However, he's absolutely darling, and when you contrast this performance with something in, say, Red Sonja, you can see how far he's come. He just needs to do something about that blond hair.
Total: 2 Oscar wins, 5 nominations

1990 - Total Recall and Kindergarten Cop.

I can't think of a year when someone was nominated twice in the same category, but I've decided that it's legal and it should have happened. While I thought he was absolutely stellar in both films, his performance as a kindergarten teacher performing undercover work just barely nudges out his heavy Sharon Stone petting in Total Recall. This sort of goes along with my James Cromwell Oscar theory, where extra props should be given if one has to interact with animals. Arnold forms an unlikely crime fighting partnership with a ferret, which, if memory serves, never actually had a name. I think its pertinent to mention that a little over two years ago, Governor Schwarzenegger vetoed legislation that would have granted amnesty to over 500,000 ferrets in California.
"I love ferrets. I co-starred with a ferret in 'Kindergarten Cop,'" Schwarzenegger insisted in his veto message. "However, this bill is too bureaucratic and it legalizes ferrets prior to conducting an environmental impact report."

If anyone is interested, these sleeping ferrets look frighteningly similar to the dead mouse corpse that melted to the floor behind my fridge that I had to peel off and throw out whilst entrails came streaming out of its carcass.
Total: 3 Oscar wins, 7 nominations

In closing, Arnold Schwarzenegger is the only exception to my hardline immigration stance, and if President Hillary has to step down amid another Clinton sex scandal (my guess would be with Condi, but beggars can't be choosers), I will campaign for the Austrian until the end of time. Thank you.


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