Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Since Emma Is Not Running, We Predict That Other People Will Win Elections Today

Before I mosey on over to the ghetto condominium down the street to cast my vote for my BFF on this delightful November morning, here are my quick predictions for today's Senate races.
New York.

Hillary in a hardcore LANDSLIDE against classless John Spencer. It's going to be a mutilation like no other. <3.
Hill 65% Spencer 30%

New Jersey.

Menendez is scum. However, it's my home state. Looby is from my home state. Menendez benefits from the support of equally corrupt Governor Corzine. Hiss.
Menendez 51% Kean 49%


Tennessee.


I heart Harold Ford Jr. What a fox. But it's Tennessee. And he pulled a nutty about two weeks ago. You shouldn't pull nutties the month before your Senate campaign ends.
Corker 53% Ford 47%

Minnesota.

No contest. Republicans can't win in Minnesota, even with the endorsements of some hefty Minnesota-based blogs. Klobuchar in a Hillary-like landslide.
Klobuchar 60% Kennedy 40%

Vermont.

Zzzzzz. Calvin Coolidge's corpse would be more interesting than this shizzle. Vermont is literally voting in a socialist. They're intensely batshit.
Sanders 63% Tarrant 37%

Maryland.

This is my one upset prediction. I really like Michael Steele. I don't have anything against Ben Cardin, but Steele just brought it. The fact that this is even close in a very blue state is a testament to the fact that Steele has made no mistakes and none of the racist negative ads against him stuck.
Steele 51% Cardin 49%

Washington.

Another snoozefest. Cantwell didn't even have to campaign.
Cantwell 64% McGavick 36%

Connecticut.

Joe!!!! He should win just for that horrible Mr. Smith Goes to Washington ad from Lamont. Man. Lamont is done.
Lieberman 55% Lamont 45%

Michigan.

I'm shocked that any incumbant in Michigan still has a chance at retaining their job. That place is about to descend into anarchy, like, tomorrow. No matter. Debbie 4eva.
Stabenow 58% Bouchard 40%

Virginia.

Man. I don't know. I'm not sure that either man winning would be an upset, but something tells me George Allen is going to survive the negative attention cast upon his campaign for attacking Webb's fiction writing. People like Allen just never seem to go away.
Allen 52% Webb 48%

Montana.

It's a red state, but they don't like it when their Senators have ties to corrupt lobbyists. I also predict Tester will automatically have the best hair in Congress.
Tester 52% Burns 47%

Rhode Island.

Oh, Lincoln Chafee. What a fun name. We won't be hearing it for much longer. Rhode Island is voting in a Fred Willard lookalike.
Whitehouse 55% Chafee 40%

Pennsylvania.

Boy, am I going to be glad to see Santorum go. Shiver. Although someone really needs to talk to Casey about that eyebrow.
Casey 59% Santorum 42%

West Virginia.

The South will rise again. Or at least one of their former Klan members will. I just don't get West Virginia.
Byrd 70% Raese 28%

Wyoming.

When I was learning all of the Senators in my Hillary thesis class two years ago, Craig Thomas was the one I just never could remember. No matter. I'll have at least another six years to do so.
Thomas 64% Groutage 32%

Wisconsin.

This is another one of those dizzles where the incumbant had the luxury of sitting back and watching a Republican in a Democratic state make a thankless effort. I think Herb Kohl's eyes are black and coal-like. They scare me.
Kohl 59% Lorge 40%

Utah.

Prediction: Orrin Hatch will be in the Senate until people start complaining about the smell his corpse is emitting whilst it rots into the Congressional carpet.
Hatch 66% Ashdown 31%

Texas.

The only thing moderately interesting about this election is the totally Texan names these female candidates have - Kay Bailey versus Barbara Ann. People with two first names slay me. Kay Bailey looks like Ellen Barkin.
Hutchison 67% Radnofsky 28%

Ohio.

It may have been a swing state in 2004, but no one wants the stench of Republican in there this year. Especially when they have the option of voting in John C. Reilly mixed with the dad from Uncle Buck.
Brown 54% DeWine 46%

North Dakota.

The North Dakota constituents don't seem to mind that Kent Conrad and Trent Lott are having a grudge match for the worst hair ever.
Conrad 71% Grotberg 27%

New Mexico.

Once upon a time, Jeff Bingaman had a Marlon Brando-esque sex lantern jaw happening. I would vote for him on that alone. So would most of New Mexico.
Bingaman 65% McCulloch 34%

Nevada.

Since they can't vote corrupt Harry Reid out, Nevada will at least keep their Republican representative around to annoy him. Especially since Jimmy Carter's progeny are trying to take over the world again.
Ensign 56% Carter 43%

Nebraska.

As much as it would amuse me and most of the world to vote in someone whose last name is an archaic disease, it looks like one of the Nelsons is sticking around.
Nelson 63% Ricketts 35%

Missouri.

Take me out of my Missouri. Best shirt I have ever seen. Jim Talent is being punished hardcore for being in the same party as Bush. *waves goodbye* And Claire has some serious firepower helping her out. It doesn't hurt that she looks like Swoosie Kurtz if Swooze were 30 pounds heavier and smiled sometimes.
McCaskill 60% Talent 39%

Mississippi.

My little Emmas are going to be around watching Trent Lott's shellacked hair bobbing around in the Senate chambers. Tis our fate.
Lott 73% Fleming 26%

Massachusetts.

You cannot stop the Kennedys. Unless you're Lee Harvey Oswald, Sirhan Sirhan, cocaine or a plane. I'm going to hell. Clearly.
Kennedy 80% Chase 19%

Maine.

Olympia Snowe could get re-elected if she was caught fondling a moose. Which I'm assuming there are a lot of in Maine. I have never been to Maine. Lobster?
Snowe 75% Bright 23%

This bores me. I'm quitting.

1 Comments:

At 3:26 PM, Anonymous Chloe said...

Hey, as a Vermonter I resent the insinuation that we're batshit. It's just that, since we're such a small state, we can do whatever the effs we feels like and no one cares. Carte blanche. That being said, I can confirm there are many moose in Maine. Also, have you ever had venison? It's very tasty. Not as tasty as lobster though.

 

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