In Which Cate Blanchett Wees Herself and A Crazy Deaf-Mute Flashes Her Japanese Poon Like 5 Times.

3.8 stars
One of the best arguments I can make for seeing Babel is the four or five mouthdropping previews that they show beforehand. Although it appeared that the sold-out crowd was not nearly as amused by them as Devra and I were, I can assure you they are worth the price of admission in and of themselves. Besides having some legitimately good ones, like the upcoming hardcore The Good German with Cloon-Dawg, there is a film coming out that looks so unintentionally funny that I will forever regret it if I don't see it the day it comes out - Notes on a Scandal, which, I kid you not, looks like a cross between Brokeback Mountain, Hush and All-American Girl: The Mary Kay Letourneau Story. I know. You don't think it's possible, but add Cate Blanchett and Judi Dench to the mix, and I think you have pretty much the best movie of all time on your hands.

Move over, Casablanca.

The actual movie we paid to see was really good, and I think it's going to win Best Picture, although admittedly, there are a few more contenders coming out in the next few weeks that look pretty badass too. It's got a handful of stories playing out in different parts of the world, loosely connected by one person or event. I heart multiple storylines. I think it is done perfectly in Traffic, almost perfectly in Crash, and is fantastic here.
Although I object on a moral basis to movies that essentially center around Cate Blanchett, she's barely in it, and the movie is much better because of it. Anyone who has seen the previews for Babel knows that Cate gets shot by a Moroccan douchebag who looks EXACTLY like Jonathan Taylor Thomas circa 1995, a scruffy Brad Pitt goes apeshit, and the rest of the movie builds around it. Somehow, there were people in the audience who paid money to see this who were not aware of the fact that the blond aryan kids are Brad and Cate's. I thought that was pretty apparent in the trailors for it, so Devra and I exchanged perplexed looks during a scene in which Brad Pitt shows a Moroccan a picture of his kids and a bunch of audible gasps permeated the theater. Dismissive shake of the head. Guess who plays one of the kids? Dakota's sister.

The Fanning Dynasty. It's coming. Be prepared.

The deaf-mute Japanese girl is a shoo-in for Best Supporting Actress, so expect a March deathmatch for the award between her and Jennifer Connolly. I generally am opposed to giving nominations to people who are playing disabled, retarded or mentally insane characters because it's way too easy to overact and get credit for it regardless, but Rinko Kikuchi is fantastic and deliciously underplays both her disability and her clear emotional issues with sex and men. She has a rather nasty habit of showing off her poon when she wants to display at least the appearance of domination over men, (and no lie, she refers to it as her "hairy monster" in Japanese sign language - definitely the first time that's happened in a movie ever), and by the end of the movie, is wandering around her Tokyo high-rise naked. What a nutjob. The audience was incredibly uncomfortable whenever she was on screen, as people unprepared for Japanese deaf-mute poon are wont to be, and were in perpetual nervous titters whenever the storyline shifted over to her. Go Rinko.

The only non-naked picture of her in existance.

My one huge issue with this movie centers on the story with the Aryan kids and the Mexican housekeeper, who makes the supremely stupid decision to bring them across the border for her son's drunken orgy of a wedding - even though she's in the country illegally. Someone seriously needs to explain how it's possible for a person working in the US illegally to just bop back and forth across the border whenever the mood strikes them. Sadly, the message I'm taking from this movie - besides the whole need to be able to communicate with other people shizzle that gets a little preachy by the end - is that our border with Mexico is so porous that drunk Mexicans can just go apeshit and speed off into the California desert with minimal consequences, but Elle Fanning, who lives in the US legally, has to fend off coyotes in the middle of the night. It just doesn't add up.

"Awoooooo! Have you seen the Fanning sisters?"

Oh, and there's a really gross scene where Cate Blanchett pisses herself - in her defense, she's got an infected bullet wound and is on the ganj - and Brad Pitt feels the wet spot, and with the same hand, strokes her face. Ew. And then she pees again (this time in a pot) and they start making out while she's peeing. Somewhere, Natalie Portman is getting her revenge.