Friday, October 27, 2006

Why Judy Bloom Can Never Run for A Senate Seat.

Last night, after having way too much fun submitting questions to the Ask Ro section of Rosie O'Donnell's blog (i.e., from Olivia in New York: I'm a pussy. Will you pet me?), I ended up on the Drudge Report staring at a screen capture of a fairly explicit literary sex scene. The kicker? It was from a book written by Virginia Senatorial Candidate Jim Webb. Apparently George Allen's campaign decided to release snippets of some of the more racy material in Jim Webb's books a few weeks before Election Day, along with a scathing press release that I have linked to in full.

Here's the thing. There's nothing illegal about detailing underage sex encounters in a fictional book, although I can certainly understand why the Webb campaign NEVER mentioned that their poster child was a published author. Hell, he's not even a very good writer. I'm sure Jim Webb and James Patterson are duking it out somewhere in a literary Fight Club-esque basement over who's the more mediocre writer. Also, I'm not entirely sure it's a reason not to vote for someone. I don't know that you can legitimately make an argument that someone is unfit for office because they wrote:
He saw the invitation with every bouncing breast and curved hip. . . . He was thirteen. . . . She was fifteen . . . . In a few moments she drew him to her and he murmured in his quiet voice, 'I am still small.' 'You are large enough,' she answered. And he found he was.

However, it's really, really creepy. I'm not someone who goes out of their way to avoid a book that's going to have sexual content in it, but if I went to some sort of political event for Jim Webb and had to shake his hand, I wouldn't be able to stop thinking, "Crikey. This hand wrote the words, 'She stood back up, her face smiling proudly and her round breasts glistening from a spotlight in the dim bar, and left the banana on the bar, cut in four equal sections by the muscles of her vagina.'" It's unfortunate that that's probably the best sentence he has ever written, because when George Allen kicks his pervert ass to the curb next month, writing is probably going to become his full-time job.

George Allen apparently does not have the same qualms as I. Kidding. He's forced to shake his hand before debate shizzle. I'm sure the banana quote was racing through his head at that very moment.

There are two things that legit confuse me about this. Number one, why does the George Allen press release only focus on the idea that Jim Webb writes anti-female literature? Wouldn't the more effective tactic be, "Vote for George Allen because he's not a pervert who writes books involving a vaginal muscle-molested banana." Misogynistic lit is much easier to explain away than, "if she’d been born with anything between her legs except an asshole, I’d be happy to bring some class to your low-rent name by knocking the bitch up." Heh. That's kind of funny. But I think he stole it from a song on "...And Then There Was X."

DMX, and I be the best.

Number two, why on earth would Jim Webb run for public office KNOWING that these books were not only out there, but were written under his actual name? How easy must it have been to find these books and locate explicit material in them?

With that in mind - and we're only doing this as a favor to Jim Webb because Weenie Enema thinks the banana sentence is funny - here is a montage of people who have no business running for any sort of political office, because there's evidence on paper that makes them look creepy.

Judy Blume.

What a sick pup. She lures you in with Superfudge and Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing, makes you feel a little uncomfortable with period sagas in Deenie, and then goes right for the jugular with Summer Sisters, where two teenage girls frolic around in bed and, I kid you not, "rub their Powers together." Judy is not getting the endorsement of the AFL any time soon.

R.L. Stine.

If the Fear Street books don't do him in, the Goosebumps certainly would.

Fantasia Barrino

"Crap...can't read the prompter."
There hasn't been an illiterate in the White House since the 1800s. I suspect the same can be said for most public offices north of the Mason Dixon Line. We should not elect people to a position of authority simply because they were named after a shitty Disney movie - if you can't read your name on a ballot, you don't get to be ON the ballot.

Three cheers for Jacksonian illiteracy!


At 10:53 AM, Anonymous Drunk Erin said...

I luve Fantaysza joeks!

At 11:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can we ask more Ro questions tonight?!!!!


At 2:30 PM, Blogger Fishhead said...

best post ever.

At 2:43 PM, Blogger Fishhead said...

ps. who is that animal in purple? jesus christ.

many of "james" webb's books were reissued around 2001 and most of them have 4-5 star ratings on amazon. apparently he makes the bestseller list when he puts new stuff out. the user reviews have titles like this: "Why I Want To Go Back To Vietnam," "Fascintaing look at Vietnam," and "Credible Asian characters." No, that was not a typo on my part.


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