Monday, October 02, 2006

R.I.P Favorite Characters.

Although I'm still working on My Last King of Scotland review, which will largely involve discussing how I was scared shitless among a bunch of old people for over two hours, my short reminiscing of Piggy from my last post inspired a memorium of sorts.
I have an intense conspiracy theory involving authors and TV and movie insiders who take it upon themselves to eliminate my favorite characters in basically everything. It has been mentioned many times before; usually I just blurt it out while my roommates are watching TV, and they look at me nervously and nod politely. But just to PROVE that it's not all in my head, I am presenting photographic evidence that there are clearly sinister workings afoot.

1. Piggy.

For those who haven't read Lord of the Flies since 10th grade, Piggy was the obese boy with ashma and glasses (ass-mar and specs, to the learned few).
How Does He Die?
He was crushed to death by a boulder launched by nefarious creatures in Roger's tribe.
Why Is He Emma's Favorite Character?
By page two, Piggy has already had a bout of constipation in the bushes. I don't know who WOULDN'T be won over by something like that. He was also the only one on the island who had any mental faculties, and he spent most of his (limited) time telling littleuns not to shit in random places on the island. The idea that one person out of about 50 or so recognized that it's not a lot of fun to live on an island with shizzle everywhere is frightening, but there you have it. R.I.P., Piggy.

2. Abbi Morgan

Before Jen became interesting and there was a ridiculous slash pointless love triangle, Abbi Morgan rocked the Creek di Dawson hardcore. She made her debut in the Breakfast Club episode by lying about an ecstasy-fueled orgy in the boys' locker room.
How Does She Die?
She was killed off towards the end of Season 2, when she crashes a wedding reception with Jen, steals champagne, gets wasted, and falls off the pier and drowns. Oh, she deserved so much better.
Why Is She Emma's Favorite Character?
Although my support of the Dawson-Joey soulmate plotline is known far and wide, everyone on this show was boring and unrealistic. Abbi represented the direction the show SHOULD have gone in - characters who lie and attempt to seduce people to make things interesting. R.I.P., Abbi Morgan. - actual name of the episode with her funeral.

3. Nina Myers.

I liked Nina even before she turned out to be a Russian turncoat. During the course of Season One of 24, I just kept looking back and forth between her and Jack Bauer's wife and thinking, "Well OF COURSE he had an affair with her!" That was when she pretended to be good.
How Does She Die?
After she kills Jack's wife, she shows up intermittently during the next two seasons before jamming a needle into her neck and creating mass chaos at CTU in the middle of Season Three before Jack finally shoots her, ending the reign of the most amazing character on a show full of badasses.
Why Is She Emma's Favorite Character?
I enjoy 24 immensely, and I love most of the characters (I could have legitimately included at least two others on this list, Tony Almeda and Michelle Dessler, but they did not win me over like Nina did). However, there really are only two kinds of people on this show - noble, tragic people or one-dimensional lunatics. I'm not arguing that Nina is in the middle somewhere; she's obviously much more evil than anyone who has ever been on this show, but she's more complex than the other bad guys, and in a show that basically thrives on killing off regular cast members, the fact that she managed to stick around for three seasons AS one of the antagonists is a testament to how strong her character was. Lest we forget that she infiltrated a counter terrorism unit post 9/11. Not an easy thing to do. <3. R.I.P., Nina Myers.

4. Dizzy Flores

In the book Starship Troopers, Dizzy Flores is a guy, but to satisfy Dutch director Paul Verhoeven's perverted tendencies (he directed arguably the most embarrassing sex scene in the history of humanity with Elizabeth Berkley and Kyle MacLachlan in Showgirls, which I have dubbed "Jessie Pretends to be a Dead Fish Whilst Trey MacDougal Ravages Her."), Dizzy is now part of a nonsensical love triangle with Casper Van Dien of Tarzan and Denise Richards of the Charlie Sheen Restraining Order.
How Does She Die?
Dizzy is gutted by an arachnid on Planet P, seconds before safely boarding a rescue ship piloted by Denise Richards. (God, I love this movie.)
Why Is She Emma's Favorite Character?
Let's look at the options. We have Denise Richards' character, who's good at math and vomits on a cadaver. We have the Doogie Howser character, who turns into a Nazi by the end, which is pretty cool, as is the ferret he controls telepathically. However, we don't see nearly enough of him to fully appreciate his grandeur. Casper Van Dien is...Casper Van Dien. He has invisible nipples.
Dizzy apparently turned down an offer to quarterback a team that plays a weird rugby metal football game so that she could attend boot camp with Casper Van Dien. That doesn't win her any points, but she probably kills about 233 bugs from the Arachnid Quarantine Zone. Denise Richards kills, like, two, and only because a brain bug sucks her boyfriend's brain out. Yoo-hoo, Academy? Did you not see this movie?

5. Ma.

Ma is the old ewe Babe becomes emotionally attached to during his attempts to become a sheepdog/sheep pig thing.
How Does She Die?
A pack of wild dogs mauls her to death. But everyone thinks Babe did it because he thought it would be cool to BURROW his snout into her bloody corpse. Who could blame James Cromwell from jumping to the conclusion that a miniscule piggie killed a sheep 10 times bigger than him?
Why Is She Emma's Favorite Character?
She always reminded me of Jessica Tandy in ewe form. She's got that raspy, take charge way about her, and she inspires the main plot points of the movie, i.e., Babe deciding to be a dog. It's basically the whole film. And you know my thing about animals that think they're human. It's even more amazing when they think they're a different animal.

6. Casper.

Was there a girl in America in 1995 who didn't want to hardcore make out with Casper at the end of the movie when it turned out that the Pillsbury Doughboy-like creature was really Devon Sawa? Christ. I'm not even sure this counts, since Casper was dead probably over 100 years before the movie was supposed to take place. Hmm.
How Did He Die?
This part of the movie ALWAYS had me bawling. Casper recounts this SICK memory of getting a sled for Christmas and being so excited about it that he went sledding for hours in the cold and then got sick, died, and hung out in a decrepit mansion in Friendship, Maine until Christina Ricci and Bill Pullman showed up.
Why Is He Emma's Favorite Character?
I don't much care for him in his ethereal form, but the answer is four words long - Can I keep you?

Other favorites include Charlotte from Charlotte's Web, Bambi's mother, the Terminator from the second movie, Daisy the crazy chicken freak from Girl, Interrupted and Thomas J from My Girl.


At 6:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I want to watch Casper next weekend. NEXT WEEKEND! More than half of this journal entry is completely dedicated to 'Starship Troopers', which wasn't a completely bad movie. I still like Spaceballs better. . . because I have the mind of a four-year-old. P.S. You can have your Hillary pumpkin and I shall make an Olivia pumpkin.

~ Ingrid

At 7:03 PM, Blogger e.e.grimshaw said...

...Olivia like the SVU detective or Olivia the cat that's staring at you right now?

At 7:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Olivia the cat that's staring at me right now. I think she'll look great on a pumpkin.

~ Ingrid

At 7:07 PM, Blogger e.e.grimshaw said...

I think you should remember that she has a history of anger management issues and probably won't be able to deal with another cat (albeit made of pumpkin) staring right back at her. Instead, I suggest you recreate the image of Bambi's father, the Great Prince.

At 7:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's too challenging to construct out of pumpkin and carving knives. I'm still set on doing Olivia.

~ Ingrid

At 11:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh my god. This was the saddest thing I have ever read. Please don't do this to me! I am so upset already. -ALana

At 8:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

why isn't detective falconer on this list?


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