Tuesday, September 12, 2006

The Weenie Enema Guide to November Politics.

Today is one of my favorite days of the year, second only to my thematic parties and badminton tournaments - Pseudo-Election Day. New York is one of the nine states holding their Primary on this delightfully nippy Tuesday, and I of course voted for Hill and other assorted Democratic figures that didn't give off mad Commie vibes. I suspect Hillary didn't lose too much sleep last night, seeing as how the last time someone even playfully considered the possibility of her losing her Senate seat was when that nutjob plastic surgery reject Jeanine Pirro decided it would be fun to run against her, even though her husband makes Bill look like morality defined. At any rate, I thought it would be helpful to my non-political readers to provide pictures of the hunkified slash badass people to keep your eye out for in November.
Harold Ford, Jr.

With a name that I keep getting confused with Harold Lloyd, the silent film star and a mug that I keep getting confused with Wentworth Miller, Harold Ford is easily the hottest piece of meat vying for higher public office this November. Bill Frist decided to step down from his Senate seat in Tennessee, leaving a huge gaping hole for a sex kitten Democrat to fill. Enter Harold Ford. He's running against some guy whose name is Bob Corker. I am morally against having people in the Senate with names that rhyme with Porker. <3 Harold

Lincoln Chafee.

Lincoln Chafee is not hot. And I have a lot of trouble believing that he's not wearing a hairpiece. However, he's a lot of fun and I like his name. He's also one of those squirrely Republicans that his own party can't control. Those always slay me. It may be a bit premature to even include him in this post, since he may not make it through the primary today. No matter. Weenie Enema endorses him just the same.

Ben Cardin.

I'm sorry, does this guy not look like that commander guy on Malcolm in the Middle?

Boy, did I call that.
Ben Cardin is running for a Senate seat in Maryland, and while Weenie Enema can't think of a single reason to be invested in this race, we are endorsing him because the other candidates look creepy.

Gabrielle Giffords.

Gabrielle is running for a Congressional seat in Arizona, so the chances of you ever hearing her name again are pretty slim. But she's way hardcore. She's dating an astronaut. However, the fact that her Wikipedia entry sees fit to note that she likes U2 really creeps me out. Therefore, Weenie Enema is not endorsing her. We do not like Bono. Bono can eat it.

Bob Casey, Jr.

Although we are very anti-unibrow, Bob Casey deserves limitless support for at least attempting to dethrone Rick Santorum, who is obviously batshit. DB Bogangles still has her PA voter registration intact, and we feel she should put it to good use. Knowing DB Bogangles, she'll write in an old minstrel show performer or something, though we sincerely hope that is not the case.

Richard Tarrant.

Look at this nifty little dresser.
Richard is running as a Republican for a Senate seat in Vermont. Weenie Enema has carefully examined this political race and does not believe Mr. Tarrant has a chance of winning, but before he goes off into the magical world of political obscurity with Rick Lazio and company, we wanted to acknowledge him today. Love that blazer and carefully crafted tan.

Aaron Dixon.

It's a Black Panther!
Aaron is running for the Senate seat in Washington state on the Green Party ticket, which means that he also will not win. This is not 1912. Please. Bullmoose.com. But it's so rare that we get to talk about Black Panthers (the last time I personally got to talk about them was when Inna was in England and some drunk guy took over her computer and told me he was going to start up a new Black Panther chapter), and besides, it's not like Maria Cantwell's going to lose this race. Heh. Black Panthers.

Jon Tester.

I am PRETTY sure that's the same barn Bill Paxton and Helen Hunt run into at the end of Twister...but if memory serves me, that barn blew away, leaving the two star-crossed lovers clinging to a bunch of water pipes. Hmmm.

Jon's running for the Senate in Montana against Conrad Burns. Conrad is kind of a douche, but I always enjoyed hearing his speeches on CSPAN...because I am a huge nerd and used to spend the rare weekday mornings I was at home watching Congressional speeches rather than Star Jones publicly imploding.
I'm not sure if I just endorsed someone or not.

I apologize if this was unhelpful in the least. I plan on spending the next few days at various dog runs, doing intense research on the prevalence of puggies with fall apparel on.

This one is naked.


At 1:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You be such an uneducated useful idiot.



At 1:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"liberalism is the hallmark of youthful ignorance...conservatism the result of mature wisdom"

John F. Kennedy, National Speech, 1962

At 7:34 PM, Blogger e.e.grimshaw said...

Way to take something too seriously. Far be it from me to actually point out the sections in the post where I actually SAY it's not serious. It had a naked puggie on the end of it. If that's not the definition of a non-serious post, I know not what is.


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