Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Dear Fictional Characters, Don't Come Within 500 Feet Of Me.

Devra Bogangles and I have an extensive history of making lists that have no relevance to daily life, and discussing them for hours on end. During the summer of 2005, we were either watching House, MD or making up lists of Disney characters we would ravage. Last night, we decided to concoct our own lists of characters in movies, TV shows, books, songs, etc. who do not deserve to come anywhere near us, unless we voluntarily dissolve a court order.

1. Stanley Kowalski (from A Streetcar Named Desire - movie version)

I want to make this abundantly clear from the get-go - he is sex. At least when Marlon Brando plays him. However, he's a crazy Polish rapist with an intense anger management problem. The court order would probably be irrelevent, because he seems like the kind of guy who was born to violate restraining orders, and would just walk into my apartment and do dirty things. It's a win-win situation.

2. The Bear (from Grizzly Man)

The chances of me actually going to an Alaskan animal refuge to pretend to be a bear among other orsines is just ludicrous, and that's probably the only way I would be in danger. However, if for some reason I DO decide to do something that crazy, I want a useless court document with me. I just realized he's not fictional. Oh well.

3. Gollum (from Lord of the Rings trilogy)

Let's look at the facts. He is a known stalker - he follows the Fellowship throughout most of the first movie and then skulks behind the hobbits at the beginning of the second after the said fellowship dissolves. He has no loyalty to anything, save a piece of jewelry. He eats raw fish. He's legitimately schizophrenic and has at least one death to his name, probably more, and has no moral qualms about doing it again. If Tolkien had had a court system in Middle-earth, this would have been its first priority - you know, after they took care of the intense evil in Mordor and that wizardy guy in Isengard.

4. Cal Hockley (from Titanic)

I would be pissed if a scrawny female-like creature stole Kate Winslet from me. I would also be pissed if Kate Winslet then spit in my face and said she would rather be the said creature's whore than my wife. It's very, very sad. However, Mr. Hockley is frighteningly possessive and likes to shoot his pistol at people while a boat is sinking.

5. Scar (from The Lion King)

Bottom line - cannot be trusted. I have said many times that Mufasa deserved to die in the end because his leadership abilities were not up to par. A great leader would have recognized the threat his brother posed to both himself and his son. Hell, Scar BROADCASTS the fact that he felt he should have been king. He also associated with hyenas and hired them as mercenaries. He's basically the Idi Amin of lions.

TV Shows.
1. Cody (from Step by Step)

I can't really tell if Cody is capable of violence or pure evil, but he's a habitual pot user and doesn't have a conception of boundaries. And although I haven't seen this show since the TGIF golden years, I recall that he was a 20-something unemployed loon who lived in a trailer in the backyard or something. People without money who barge into their wealthier neighbors' kitchens all the time are a COPS episode away from becoming registered sex offenders. How do you think Joey Buttafuoco got started?

2. Ryan O'Reily (from Oz)

This was a really hard decision, because EVERYONE on Oz deserves to be on this list, except for the guy in the wheelchair. However, Ryan O'Reily is the only one who (so far; I'm only on Season 3) has actually developed an unhealthy fixation on someone else. Alright, that's not true. There is more anal penetration on this show than in Andy Dick's house, but I don't get legit stalker vibes from those people - just sexually frustrated inmates letting off some steam. Ryan O'Reily has his retarded brother kill the husband of his doctor crush. Sickness.

3. Oliver Trask (from The O.C.)

I'm not sure this counts, because he may have actually gotten a restraining order on the show for being completely psychotic and pulling a gun on Marissa. But really, who DIDN'T want to aim a pistol at Marissa? What assures Oliver's place on the list is the fact that he's not only mentally unstable, but he KNOWS it, so he makes an extra effort to hide it and manipulate people. He also tried to kill Ryan with a golf cart.

4. Milhouse Van Houten (from The Simpsons)

There may be more dangerous characters in Springfield - Snakes the perpetual robber of the Quickie-Mart comes to mind, as do Mr. Burns, Barney and Maggie. However, Milhouse has some real issues. He clearly has a social disorder derived from intense inadequacy issues, and he's shown a queer obsession in multiple episodes with Lisa Simpson. It's always the little social misfits with thick glasses that end up terrorizing a quiet town later on in life.

5. Byron Sully (from Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman)

Those hands have seen blood.
Sully was never portrayed in a negative light during the five years this show was on the air. However, there are a lot of extenuating circumstances that point to the potential for murder, stalking, indecent exposure, and animal mutilation. Number one, he was raised by a wild tribe of Indians in the Colorado wilderness - he doesn't live in civilization until he starts boning Dr. Quinn. He also has a weird bond with wild animals, one suggests because he himself is one. There is absolutely no reason for Sully to develop a legitimate loyalty to any non-dog on the show, and if Dr. Quinn had been on longer, he most assuredly would have butchered the entire family. Did I mention he knows how to throw a tomahawk?

1. Roger (from Lord of the Flies)

Before claiming that it was inevitable, that a group of boys living on an island without adults HAD to become a horde of barbarian murderers, let's remember who started that shit. Philip and Piggy got "it." They understand the importance of civilization and a structural system of governmentation - Roger understood that too, but only to the point where it benefited him and thrust him into power. I hold him personally responsible for the death of Piggy, the greatest character literature has ever known.

2. James Gatz/Jay Gatsby (from The Great Gatsby)

I think people tend to forget that, behind those amazing parties and debonair Roaring Twenties vibe, Gatsby was hardcore messed up. He had a sole fixation for years, accumulating massive amounts of wealth (illegally, I might add) to attract the attention of a girl he had been dating before being shipped off to war. So you've got a guy who FOLLOWED a girl to Long Island, who changed his name, who tries to break up a marriage, and has absolutely no conception of reality. Creepy.

3. Napoleon (from Animal Farm)

This book scared the living shizzle out of me. Evil people, I can deal with, but evil animals? Not so much. Maybe it's just that image at the end of the book where the piggies are dressed in human clothing and walking around on their hind legs that sends chills down my spine. If a pig dressed in breeches was chasing after me, I would literally die. I considered including Snowball in this entry, but Snowball was overthrown by Napoleon after teaching the other animals how to read and proposing the idea of building a windmill to ease the workload on the farm. I heart literate animals.

4. Boo Radley (from To Kill A Mockingbird)

I was really torn between Boo and Bob Ewell, who spits in Atticus' face and tries to kill Jem in the woods on Halloween. Mr. Ewell is an obvious physical threat, but it's such a blatant violence embedded in stupidity - as long as you didn't join the NAACP, he wasn't going to do anything to you. However, Boo is legitimately crazy. There's a reason why he never leaves his house, except to give creepy gifts to Scout in the tree. Lest we forget that he has a history of stabbing family members with scissors, and there's no evidence in any part of the book that they've fixed whatever's wrong with him, even if he does peacefully hold hands with Scout on the porch swing. For Christ sake, he was HIDING behind Jem's door when she found him.

5. Cathy/Kate (from East of Eden)

In the book, she's 10 times more evil. Steinbeck even insinuates that she's legitimately (I'm not sure how legitimate you can be about something like this) the Devil's spawn. She totally might be. I don't want the offspring of Satan anywhere near me. Among her many items of accomplishment, she drugs Adam Trask so she can sleep with his brother, shoots Adam Trask and leaves him to raise their children, bites Samuel like a rabid animal, and kills a madam, takes over her whore house and starts a business involving a razer and nethers.

Since I found this subject incredibly interesting, I polled the world about it and received some fascinating responses.

Morgan Grod: Lord Voldemort (from Harry Potter)
Ricky Raccoon: Oedipus (from Oedipus Rex)
Anthony Salazar: Hannibal Lecter (from Hannibal)
Maulik Sharma: He-Man
Inna Rudman: the guy who killed Patrick Swayze in Ghost (we do not know if she meant the actual guy or the one who orchestrated the murder so he could bonk Demi)
Nicole Thomas: the Mad Hatter (from Alice in Wonderland) and Sting (from "Every Breath You Take")
Ingrid Stenquist: Archie Andrews (from Archie comics)
Charlie Quiroz: Miss Jai Alexander (from America's Next Top Model)
Emily "Swooodog" Sworen: Pee-Wee Herman (from Pee-Wee's Playhouse)
Katie Coleman: an Oompa Loompa (from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory)
Laine Whitcomb: Uriah Heep (from David Copperfield)

Alana Gans, who found this question a little TOO fun, literally submitted a pile of Post-Its for her response. That's the sort of thing that makes me want to include her as an entry above, but she is not fictional. Besides, I actually think her choices are pretty good. They include:
Donnie Darko (from Donnie Darko)
The Shark (from Jaws)
Alex (from A Clockwork Orange)

If you feel the need to express your opinion on the matter, comment away.


At 1:26 PM, Blogger Brian Collier Dunn said...

I disagree with every thing you have ever said. Ever.

At 1:28 PM, Blogger e.e.grimshaw said...

everything is one word.

At 11:36 AM, Blogger Karol said...

I looooooooooooove Cody. Love. So cute. So dumb.

At 10:26 AM, Blogger e.e.grimshaw said...

strangely enough, you're not the first russian from brooklyn to tell me that. i maintain my position though. cody is a legit threat.

At 6:10 PM, Blogger Firestarter said...

I would add Buffalo Bill. Not Hannibal Lector.

I's be able to talk Hannibal into eating someone else, like my ex-boyfriend from Brooklyn.

I hate Brooklyn.

At 6:11 PM, Blogger Firestarter said...

Also, I'd add BIFF fromall of the Back to the Futures (especially the first one.)

He was, like, really mean to Marty McFly.

At 12:53 PM, Blogger Eric said...

I was thinking "well, this blog is okay..." then I saw "Scar" from the Lion King referred to as the Idi Amin of lions, that is an an intelligent reference and your blog has boosted itself to above okay in my eyes, I will probably continue to read it.


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