Vice-Presidents Who Looks Like Richard Farnsworth, Etc.

This is Charles Curtis. He was VP under Herbert Hoover.

This is Richard Farnsworth. He played Matthew in the third best TV movie ever, Anne of Green Gables, which leads me into a retrospective concerning the most amazing movies that were unfortunately not shown on the big screen, but fortunately made it into my living room.

1. Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?

Not surprisingly, it is next to impossible to find any promotional material concerning this spectacularly titled, horribly acted Tori Spelling gem. The concept itself is nothing short of mouthdropping. Tori plays an attractive, intelligent woman (I know, I'm laughing too) who manages to attach herself to a possessive loon played by Ivan Sergei, who was seduced by Christina Ricci in The Opposite of Sex, which should have won hardcore Oscars, but that's another post altogether. I think he was also on Charmed, but since I am vehemently opposed to Alyssa Milano's career after Commando, I cannot say for certain.

Who's wishing they were Alyssa Milano right now, nuzzling up against bruised and battered Austrian sex? Raises hand.

Anyway, Ivan Sergei kidnaps Tori and ravages her in a log cabin and her mom (the woman Tom Cruise dumps in Cocktail) somehow finds out that he murdered his last girlfriend? I don't know. It's very irrelevent, but the imdb trivia page for this has the best random factoid ever:
During the early stages of filming, Spelling was bitten quite severely by a tame pangolin being used in an adjacent production. In certain scenes, bruising from her rabies inoculations are clearly visible.

They should totally make a movie called Captain Correlli's Pangolin starring the pangolin that bit Tori and...I don't know, another famous biter, like Mike Tyson.

2. She Cried No - renamed Freshman Fall.

No one can accuse Candace Cameron Bure from shirking her Full House audience. Man.
The same can be said for Mark Paul Gosselaar, who basically channels Zack Morris if Zack was raping DJ Tanner. What a concept. The second half of it slows down somewhat, since it's basically just about rape victims getting justice in the courtroom while a peeved Mark Paul looks on, and SVU has that arena pretty much sewn up. But the seducing of DJ in a frat house with 90s college rock in the background elevates this movie into the stratosphere. All it needed was Bob Saget and Uncle Jesse to show up to carry out their own brand of Full House justice.

Why do I get the feeling this is a different Uncle Jesse?

3. No One Would Tell.

Candace is truly the Ingrid Bergman of college-age abusive male partner TV movies. Damn. Once again, she manages to snare a mentally unstable psychopath played by a former child star. This time? Fred Savage. Of course. I don't remember the specifics - after all, the golden age of these TV movies was during the tumultuous pubescence of middle school - but I do recall Fred punching her out at a school dance and Sally Jesse making an appearance at one point. She has a mansion in Pennsylvania across the river from my hometown. Fact. And a girl from my high school got a makeover on her show and came back looking worse. Then the show went off the air.


Does anyone want to buy this for me for Christmas or something? Wasn't she also raped on 90210? Charlize?