Monday, February 26, 2007

Remember When Nicole Kidman Decided to Come to the Oscars Dressed as a Christmas Stocking?

Me too.

Although my Oscar analysis has had to overcome tremendous obstacles because of my inability to liveblog and be cool at the same time, I was able to retain enough Nicole Christmas stocking-esque moments to provide a legit recap for my loyal reader base. Before I delve into the nitty-gritty, I would like to formally deliver a shout-out to DB Bogangles for allowing me to attend a social gathering that included other people, and Z-Dog, who voluntarily agreed to stand behind the couch with me and scan the procedings from a diety-like position. Z-Dog also hates Dreamgirls. And does not mind when people yell "Poon!" at the TV whenever Ellen Degeneres is on.

Does anybody else think it's weird when Ellen says she's attracted to random male celebrities? I can't remember which specific guy she was talking about, but when lesbians say, "Oh, it's too bad (insert name of celebrity with penis) is taken," it's just an insult to the world's intelligence. We know you don't really think about Leonardo DiCaprio when you're in bed with Portia diRossi. It's okay. We can take it.

As an aside, I would have given Ellen's hosting gig a B. It wasn't embarrassingly unfunny like Chris Rock's attempt at transcending his schtick to mainstream society, but I suspect she sacrificed edgy humor/talent so that she might get asked back next year. Not a stupid move, but for my own personal amusement, I would have loved to see some Nicole Christmas Stocking Jokes. Just two or three of them. I feel I speak for the masses.

First things first. Since Peter O'Toole was the nostalgic old man poon lust underdog of the evening, we were treated to oodles of shots of him in his chair staring vapidly into space with his mouth approximately 20% open. What no one appeared to notice, or at least wouldn't overtly comment on, was the fact that he brought Angelica Huston to the Oscars. They are apparently having a geriatric affair of sorts, and it should have been noted for those watching at home who have never seen "The Witches" and have no idea who that decrepit oddity next to him was.

He also apparently brought a prepubescent elvin creature to the ceremony. Classy.

My award for the Smartest Move of the Evening goes to Kirsten Dunst, who has been alerted to the fact that we all know she doesn't brush her teeth, and wisely kept her smiles toothless. Well done.

A little too Gwyneth, but we'll take what we can get.

The award for Eyerolling Dot Net goes to Jennifer Hudson, whose hourglass figure and voicebox dealt a solid KO to The Rinko. Don't you just LOVE it when someone who had a 99% chance of winning says, "I had no idea I was going to win." Whatever. You know who should have said that? Rinko. Because Rinko is amazing and didn't stand a snowball's chance in hell of winning because of the Deaf Mute Poon Clause that was written on the Academy Award ballot this year. A travesty beyond all travesties.

Don't worry, Rinko. It's nothing we haven't seen before.

I do want to take a moment to single out Abigail Breslin, who came close to saving Little Miss Sunshine from being a contrived piece of shizzle, but ultimately failed. We heart people who come to the Oscars looking like Precious Moments figurines.

Separated at birth? You decide.

In terms of actual awardness, it was a mixed bag. It was infinitely enjoyable to see Eddie Murphy's miserable stoicness during Alan Arkin's speech, knowing he was NEVER going to be anywhere NEAR the Oscars again. But hey, I don't recall anyone putting a gun to his head and MAKING him sign up for Daddy Day Care. Or any of the other countless shitfests on his resume.

Everyone's masturbatory fascination with Al Gore has become a bit grating. I have nothing against Al personally, although that lipsucking session with Tipper during the 2000 Democratic Convention has been etched into my brain, and I've been unsuccessfully attempting to remove it since. I understand that 90% of the auditorium thinks he won that election, but...he didn't. And then he grew a beard and went crazy.

If you type in "al gore crazy" on Yahoo, this comes up. Love.

In conclusion, I resolve to find out why Forest Whitaker has a wonky eye. I thought the burglar in Panic Room was SUPPOSED to have a wonky eye, and that the cop in Phone Booth was SUPPOSED to have a wonky eye. When the African dictator had the wonky eye, I became suspicious.
Other famous wonky eyes:

Melissa Joan Hart.


At 11:41 AM, Anonymous alexiss376 said...

wow, melissa joan hart has gained some serious weight. what an unflattering picture.

also i can't believe the fucking departed won best picture, jack nicholson is gross.

i <3 contrived pieces of shizzle and thus it is my opinion that little miss sunshine was robbed.

At 1:17 PM, Blogger e.e.grimshaw said...

To be fair, I was kind of looking for the worst picture of her I could find that aptly demonstrated the eye wonkiness. I feel more should be said about said wonkiness, but these Old School Nickelodeon figureheads are impossible to cut down.

I agree with your assessment on The Departed. I didn't like it, but I was never able to actually say WHY. So whatever, maybe it's a good movie, but Notes on a Scandal should have been nominated/won. Fact.

And why did Jack shave his head? He looks like BAD Marlon Brando circa Apolcalypse. Not a good look on the old codger.

Little Miss Sunshine can eat me. For realz.

At 7:57 PM, Blogger BerettaMego said...

I personally loved Little Miss Sunshine. Haven't seen The Departed so no comment on it yet.

I do want to comment that Nicole Kidman looks like the classic puppy with the big red bow that people give at christmas. Maybe she was looking for sympathy love. She always looks like a heartless bitch with a stick up her butt so maybe she thought if she looked like a puppy she wouldn't look so harsh.

At 6:46 PM, Blogger BRags said...

Poor MJH. She was hot in the CEIA days... I <3 Elvis the Alligator.

At 8:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

ahahhahahah melissa looks like your cat.

At 8:57 AM, Blogger e.e.grimshaw said...

if you want to talk the smack on olivia, don't do it grrrlvicious style - MICHELLE.


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