Monday, April 16, 2007

Why is "Drive" On Again?

For the second night in a row, Fox is airing mediocre television in the hopes that maybe someone will actually get sucked into this crappola. For the record, I am not sucked in. This is a bad show. But my mission is clear - we must document heinous crimes in the hopes that others will avoid these mistakes in the future.

We don't really understand what's going on, but I suspect no one else knows what's going on either. It's not exactly comforting.

8:01 - Kidnapped and Corinna are STILL having car troubles. I think it would be funny if this happened all the way across the country. And why are they in Gainesville? Aren't they supposed to be in Rome?

8:02 - It's 8:02 and Latino Gangster has already said "holmes."

8:03 - Latino Gangster is trying to connect with his brother by talking about hombres. Which I think is Latino for gang member, but I took Latin, so I'm not totally sure.

8:03 - Once again, Latino Gangster is chasing someone...but it doesn't appear to be someone from the cast.

8:04 - A Florida trooper has just pulled a gun on Kidnapped. It is not known whether it's the same trooper who arrested Heavenly Creatures yesterday for carrying a plastic baby across state lines.

8:06 - A noble hat tip to Alexis, who apparently saw and retained information relating to cast members from the Britney Spears movie. Incidentally (it's a commercial, so I can digress for a moment), I was on Netflix the other day looking at a list of everyone who has ever won a Razzie, and Britney won one for Crossroads. Madonna has won like 60 of them, coincidentally all from movies co-starring Sean Penn. Weird.

8:09 - You know what would be funny? If Crossroads Girl Formerly Known As Loser Girl reenacted a scene from Heavenly Creatures with this plastic baby-toting nutjob.

8:10 - 24 guy is sucking face with his girlfriend in a gas station. And both of them claim they're "winning," but I don't know how they can possibly verify that.

8:11 - 24 guy goes into the gas station convenience store just in time to see a news report about a soldier killed in Iraq. Of course, he knows the guy and tears up, just like he did when Jack Bauer screamed, "You're going to give me what I want!" in his face.

8:12 - "By 'Holmes,' do they mean Katie?" - Drunk Erin

8:12 - Strangely enough, I don't think I've heard anyone actually utter "drive!" in this episode. Maybe it's not the drinking game I thought it was.

8:13 - With Kidnapped in booking and Corinna fighting to get him released, I think the writers of Drive have finally run out of ways to detain these people from actually racing.

8:15 - Um. The Florida cops like to pin three-year-old crimes from Kentucky on innocent people, while jamming their index finger into foreheads. What is with this state? And can we expect altercations with Georgia state troopers in the coming episodes?

8:20 - The Law and Order ADA is still in Nebraska and is confused. Where is Kidnapped? Perhaps he will belatedly join the race when it gets to the Midwest.

8:21 - I am really not getting why this cop thinks Kidnapped killed people in a bank robbery three years ago.

8:21 - "I didn't say you pulled the trigger." Um...that means he's not killing people. Drive writers, we know this doesn't make sense. Just get Corinna in there spewing bullets so they can get BACK ON THE ROAD.

8:22 - This is what I don't get. If 24 guy is SOOOO concerned about his Army buddies, why is he AWOL?

8:23 - 24 guy's woman just threw his phone out the window and he has to go get it. I don't think they're in the lead anymore, but it's not like they actually have ANY idea if they are or not anyway.

8:24 - "Why isn't anyone on this show attractive?" - Drunk Erin

8:25 - Dorky dying dad's car only goes 85. If they want to win this thing, I think they have to get a new car. Maybe steal Latino Gangster's?

8:26 - That woman Latino Gangster was tailing that wasn't part of the cast? I'm thinking she's in the cast now. With the worst Southern accent this side of Keanu in The Devil's Advocate.

8:26 - Whoa! She's an undercover agent!

8:27 - Looks like Gallant Gangster is going to have to take over while Latino Gangster deals with the bounty hunter.

8:31 - Ugh. Get out of Nebraska. Let's go back to Heavenly Creatures and the plastic baby!

8:32 - Why is Kidnapped JUST NOW asking for a lawyer?

8:32 - In a grudge match between Corinna and corrupt Florida state trooper...I think it's pretty clear where I would put my money.

8:33 - How is 24 guy not able to find this phone? How strong is that girl's arm?

8:33 - "Is all you care about this stupid race?" Well...isn't that kind of the entire basis of the show?

8:34 - I think 24 guy is about to throw up from all of this saccarine-laced crap his girl is spewing. Oh wait. That's me.

8:35 - I don't want to be a gloomy gus, but dont they NEED the phone so they can get the calls from Olmec?

8:36 - This Kidnapped being interrogated by the cop story makes no sense. There is no record of him being brought in, and the cop apparently stole his name from a black cop on the force, so...I'm not even sure he's being interrogated in a police station. This is way too Vanilla Sky for me. Bring back the plastic baby!

8:38 - Maybe it's not particularly helpful to keep asking questions when we NEVER get any answers, but I'm really hoping that at some point, they explain, you know, WHY there's an illegal cross-country road race to begin with. My guess? The writers don't know either.

8:39 - Oooh 24 looks good. I think they should just let the Chinese kill Audrey and let a sorcerer bring Nina back from the dead. That would be amazing.

8:40 - For someone who dragged their 16-year-old daughter across the country (apparently risking a REALLY nasty custody battle) Dorky Dying Dad is surprisingly blase about the speed limit.

8:41 - Haha, Crossroads Girl made Heavenly Creatures blast Slipknot in the car. We know who the bitch is in that relationship.

8:42 - Yes, give the crazy Crossroads girl your keys. She's not going to take advantage of your fragile state of mind and fetus-less existence.

8:42 - Um. A helicopter? What?

8:43 - Oh. Latino Gangster and Gallant Gangster are only HALF brothers.

8:44 - "Bounty hunters aren't cops." Gallant Gangster is so wise.

8:45 - Dude! I think they're going after the bounty hunter!

8:45 - Christ. The Vanilla Sky Cop interrogation continues. Let's talk about something else. Remember when Chris Meloni spent an entire episode of SVU interrogating Chad Lowe in Season 2? And Chad was having sex with his mother, who was Margot Kidder? Great episode.

8:46 - Kidnapped told the crazy cop thing about the whole having a kidnapped wife...and the cop is in on the race! What the fuck? If he's IN on the race, why is he distracting him from the matter at hand.

8:47 - "This show makes no sense." - Drunk Erin, sober and correct.

8:50 - Ooh, Idol commercial. TEAM JORDIN.

8:51 - Whoa. Crossroads girl is taking all the baby stuff out of the car. I think she's crossing the line this time. Slipknot was close, but this is IT.

8:51 - I'm really hoping that in Episode 4 or 5, we get a NORMAL contestant. Although to be fair, Corinna is great, she just has some parents-were-victims-in-this-race-before issues.

8:52 - Dorky dad. The doctor says you need your meds to stay alive. So...I'm thinking if you want to SURVIVE the race, you need to pop a few.

8:53 - So the point for that ridiculous cop charade was to give Kidnapped a black car? I'm thinking there were better ways to handle this.

8:54 - Um...did Kidnapped actually kill those people before? THIS SHOW MAKES NO SENSE!

8:55 - Corinna is about to be killed by the Men in Black...but Kidnapped saved her in the Black car!

8:55 - How did...Gallant get the bounty hunter to let Gangster go? Writers? Anything?

8:56 - I've said it before, I'll say it again - Corinna and I would be the Dream Team of Drive.

8:57 - I think Kidnapped has split personality issues. He just raced past Latino Gangster. I'm so confused right now.

8:57 - It appears 24 guy was right about being in the lead, because Kidnapped just took over the lead. I apologize for doubting 24 guy's cognizance.

8:58 - All of the contestants are in a dirt lot that looks like it came out of "Stand By Me."

8:59 - Wait. All of the stuff that they said last night was in THIS night's now in the previews for the NEXT episode. Worst show ever. I'm done.


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