Friday, January 18, 2008

If James Cameron Hadn't Thrown Away His Soul in a Sordid Tryst With Suzy "I Hate Linda Hamilton" Amis, He'd Be Turning in His Grave.

I will NEVER understand Hollywood's propensity to mess with a good thing - in this case, a PERFECT thing. Weenie Enema has never been reluctant to extol praise for "Terminator 2: Judgment Day." In fact, if Penny Marshall hadn't had the foresight to read the trashy bilge of Iris Rainer Dart and realize it could be adapted into the most amazing movie ever, "Terminator 2" would unquestionably be the greatest movie conceived by man OR woman. This blog has never actually devoted a post to a lengthy movie critique of the second Terminator installment, thinking that a) everyone who reads this blog knows that I love it anyway and the post would pretty much say exactly that, with about 3,000 extra words thrown in, and b) I've managed to include positive summations on it in several posts anyway, so it would just end up being a rehash for loyal readers. That said, there comes a time when even the most hallowed of franchises is threatened, and those of us who have the knowledge and forebearance to do something about it, MUST.

I stood by fairly quietly when Arnold SOLD OUT HARDCORE and agreed to make a third Terminator, even though it went against everything the second Terminator movie had laid out. Aside from the Page Six article about the actress who plays the female Terminator making out with pop rocker Pink, nothing involved in The Rise of the Machines was worth its weight in gold. But now that Fox has once again decided to tamper with the Terminator legacy - this time focusing on Sarah Connor, the mother of the future leader of the human resistance - it's time to get this traitorous piece of crappola off the air and, if need be, show the first two Terminator movies in its time slot.

I'm not going to rehash a scene-by-scene account of Terminator 2's perfection, but I DO think it's worth noting the exact elements in the movie that make the third Terminator completely incomprehensible. First of all, the ultimate strength in T2 rests on its ability to successfully navigate the time travel paradox. In a previous blog post, I mentioned that the only way a movie can legitimately deal with time travel is to either embrace it full-on (ala Back to the Future) or to barely acknowledge it. Terminator does the latter, understanding that attempting to explain it while Arnold and Edward Furlong are shooting bullets into liquid metal entities would detract from the story line and confuse lesser mortals. (I suppose in the world of Terminators, EVERYONE is pretty much a lesser mortal.)

For those of you not well-versed in the actual plot that necessitates the need for Arnold androids to wander around Los Angeles killing people (until the second half of T2, when Edward Furlong injects some necessary humanity into the robot, causing it merely to wound rather than destroy), I'll try to sum it up succintly so as to avoid confusion and whatnot. If you have already seen the Terminators, just scroll down. In the first movie, a Terminator tries to kill Sarah Connor so she can't give birth to John Connor, who is projected to grow up and lead a human army to rid the earth of Terminators. It is unsuccessful, and the Terminator ends up being crushed in a hydraulic press. Flash forward to the second movie - a piece of the first Terminator survived, and scientists are using its technological attributes to advance their computer research shizzle, which in time will result in a computer that thinks for itself and starts a nuclear war with Russia, wiping out most of mankind in the process. Hardcore. (I suspect the script was written before the Wall came down.) Thus, at the end of the second movie, great pains are taken to destroy not only the research that the scientists have done so that no one can copy their work, but Arnold allows himself to be lowered into molten lava so his Terminator qualities can't be exploited for the same purpose as before. All of these actions are successful, so Terminator 2 ends with the understanding that THERE IS NO POSSIBLE WAY THAT THE NUCLEAR WAR CAN STILL OCCUR.

And yet Terminator 3 exists. It makes no sense. In his desire to pick up an extra $20 million, elderly Terminator Arnold claims that those actions only "postponed" the war. Bullshit. No explanation is given for how a self-aware computer can be created with no spare Terminator parts, nor is it understood how a female Terminator just materializes in the storyline, though one would think that the future Terminators from 2029 would have wanted to send her back in the first one - I'm guessing she would have been able to get the job done.

However, now we get into some interesting questions. While completely discounting the existence of the third Terminator installment (mysteriously a box office hit), the idea behind the Sarah Connor Chronicles is much more feasible than a movie about a bunch of machines rising up with a baffled looking, horribly miscast Claire Danes wandering around with the assistance of Nick Stahl, a noble entity in his own right who should stick with half-mutilated Mel Gibson movies. According to my sources, Sarah Connor Chronicles discusses the period of time between the first two Terminators, which admittedly DOES have a lot of unanswered questions and interesting plot developments. From what we can ascertain from T2, Sarah Connor spent most of those years hooking up with former Green Berets to soak up survival and fighting techniques to pass on to her son. Also implied is that she kind of went a bit nuts, seeing as how she's totally normal at the end of the first Terminator movie - though admittedly a bit frazzled from having to kill a Terminator, getting knocked up by a soldier from the future and then subsequently watching said soldier get blown up - and shows up in the second movie completely RIPPED, but with little human empathy and a disturbing propensity toward shooting people and threatening to inject cleaning solvents into the necks of psychologists.

So why is Weenie Enema fundamentally opposed to this new Fox series? The first reason goes back to my declaration at the onset of this post - it's incredibly foolish to tinker with a polished, perfect product. You have nothing to gain and everything to lose. This should have been abundantly clear when a new generation of movie-goers was given the mistaken impression that the Terminator legacy ends with Claire Danes. Heresy. Absolute heresy. Also, besides the moral betrayal demonstrated in The Rise of the Machines, its other major failing is that, aside from Arnold - who even I think is WAY past his prime - no one else associated with the success of the first two Terminators was involved in the process. James Cameron immediately smelled this shizzle a mile away and declined the honor. Edward Furlong appears to have done the same, but since his current favorite pastime is going into restaurants and releasing their lobsters, maybe he had other reasons. I won't watch this new series, so I will never be able to tell you definitively whether this show is technically "good" or not, but knowing that its existence necessitates shitting on the very essence the original Terminator movies were based on is enough to boycott the Sarah Connor Chronicles on moral grounds. Hey, it's only your SOUL.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Live Blogging a Fat Girl Movie.

After I started my blog back in the golden days of 2005, a necessary online respite from my genocide class (yes, it WAS as fun as it sounds!), I got to thinking about the events that preceded the inception of Weenie Enema that I never got the chance to chronicle for posterity. One of those moments was the Rosie O'Donnell/Andie McDowell masterpiece "Riding the Bus With My Sister," the sort of horribly awful amazing movie that good, decent people schedule their lives around to laugh at and be deliciously politically incorrect at the expense of. Without spending an entire post deriding Rosie's portrayal of a safety scissors-having tard who rides the bus for no real reason - I have difficulty believing that even a legitimately mentally challenged person would just DO that, but tell that to director Angelica Huston - I don't want to go through the rest of my life wondering what WOULD HAVE happened if I hadn't liveblogged ANOTHER crappy Lifetime movie.
This one just looks strange and slightly crazy - "Queen Sized," the latest vehicle for zaftig Nikki Blonsky, one of the few actors I can recall typecasting themselves. Just this evening, I was interviewed by the Delaware Valley News (a very edgy way of saying that my father couldn't think of anything to write about for his weekly humor column, so he decided to type up a discussion with his daughter, who LOVES having a literary outlet for her incessant ramblings), and this Blonsky movie came up. As I discussed with Jeffrey Grimshaw, Arnold Schwartzenegger also became typecast fairly quickly, though I would submit that it was the unintentional result of signing on to BRILLIANT 80s action movies.

"I'll be back."
"Only in reruns."

If this had looked like a typical "fat girl gets teased and then redeems herself in the eyes of her peers, but most importantly HERSELF," I wouldn't even be bothering. However, the NY Post review by Linda Stasi mentions that her obesity seems to have the accompanying side effect of extreme paranoia and hallucinations, an angle that Lifetime is apparently not promoting - their loss.

8:56 - I got thrown out of the market yesterday for getting into a verbal fight with the town drunk, who started it by walking up to me and saying, "You know that Hillary Clinton?" And I go, "Yeah." And he goes, "A WOMAN can't be President." And I'm all, "She's actually much more masculine than you're acknowledging here." And then he was all, "And this Obama is a half Puerto Rican BLACK guy." And...somewhere down the line I called him a clithead and was asked politely to leave. Such is life.

9:00 - This is the WORLD PREMIERE. Woooo.

9:00 - The credits include some girl throwing sticks of flames around. It doesn't appear to pertain to anything.

9:01 - "So this movie is about cheerleading?...Fat cheerleaders?" - Drunk Erin

9:01 - I'm not sure how I feel about them TELLING us she's won homecoming queen in the first minute. But I'm guessing this movie isn't really about twist endings.


9:03 - Okay, Annie just opened up a pizza box full of junkfood and said it was under Nikki's bed. Nikki apparently a) is a 6-year-old fat girl and b) has a nosy/creepy mom

9:03 - I think her high school is Capeside High. Which means that Dawson Leery should be strolling by saying, "You're not as skinny as JOEY."

9:04 - I get that this movie is REALLY milking anti-fat sentiment in high school, but I have never heard anyone past the age of 10 oink and call fat people lardass. Not saying it doesn't happen, but they really must have assembled the cream of the crop for this one.

9:05 - Her friend drives a Prius. So energy conscious.

9:05 - "What's for dinner?" She's not going to say this every two minutes, is she?

9:07 - We've had our first sighting of CRAZY Nikki, where her fantasy has conjured up Annie Potts in a black cocktail dress lobbing choice insults at her from a porch swing.

9:08 - Having Nikki binge on yodels to Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry" has to be the least subtle thing ever.

"That's not what the song is about!"

9:08 - You know, Annie participates in healthy activities to the point where it feels like she's REALLY rubbing it in.

9:11 - The first legit great thing about this movie - including Nelly Furtado's sellout masterpiece "Maneater." Would it be included if it wasn't about...eating men? You decide.

9:12 - Besides the obvious weight issue, this character is also stupid and unnecessarily cunty to her peers. Starting to think her classmates hate her for other reasons.

9:13 - I think the Polynesian kid that Mary Kay Letorneau banged and subsequentally married is hitting on Nikki Blonsky. Villi? Is that right?

"Lay off Nikki - he's MINE."

9:14 - Seriously. I went to high school in New Jersey. EVERYONE had self-esteem issues. However, they didn't make that abundantly clear in every SINGLE sentence they uttered.

9:15 - "I know you've had a rough time since your dad died." ??? Oh wait. It's a Lifetime movie. Right.

9:17 - "Just because dad died of diabetes doesn't mean I will." And yet...

9:19 - Is "Geeky McDweeby" supposed to be the Polynesian guy?

9:19 - They nominated her for homecoming queen? Oh, you GUYS. Tee hee.

9:24 - Lowry Electric Heating and Cooling has served over 80,000 homes and businesses. I totally GET commercials.

9:25 - First scene is in the cafeteria. Surprise!

9:25 - I have a similar tale for Nikki to consider. In my sophomore year in high school, the student council nominated me for the student/teacher volleyball game because I had a reputation for wearing kneepads and being unnecessarily aggressive. You know what? I was mildly surprised and pissed, but I just told the student council to eat it. End of discussion. Learn from me, homedog.

9:27 - "So just because the girls are mean, I shouldn't run?" - Nikki. "No, you shouldn't run because you're fat." - Drunk Erin, the demographic this film is not courting.


9:29 - Does alternate reality Annie Potts ever change out of the Ann Coulter dress?

I eat babies.

9:29 - I have a history of eating some real shizzle in my time, but after the 78th pudding, I probably wouldn't take her lead and go for number 79.

9:30 - I've read enough Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul to know that 99% of the problem is her POISONOUS image issues, NOT the homedogs sneering at her ass.

9:31 - At what high school are teachers allowed to wear jeans on non-field day trips to the Liberty Bell?

9:32 - I think Pete Wentz just wandered into the - are you ready? - the cafeteria.

9:32 - Yet another movie where people with noticable gel in their hair are labeled goth and thus the perfect targeting group for Nikki's homecoming candidacy.

9:33 - Her campaign manager couldn't wait until the girls got out of the shower to get the signatures? That's...convenient.

9:37 - Apparently there is a Lifetime show called "How to Look Good Naked," or something to that effect. Perhaps that show and this movie should talk.

9:38 - At least for the duration of this premiere, wouldn't it be classy to withhold the food commercials?

9:39 - "I'm glad you're having fun with this." - Annie Potts "WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN???" Nikki needs to chill. For realz.

9:40 - So is Villi helping with this campaign, or is he just here as the token minority love interest?

9:41 - Quick quiz: Some nefarious creature steals her petitions from the locker, making her ineligable. What do YOU think she does? You're right! She eats yodels!

9:43 - Like, it's cool that she's running and pumped about it and everything, but withholding coffee from people to force them to sign the petition Stalinist.

9:44 - How much weight do you think Blonsky put on just eating the random crappola the director forced her to?

9:45 - Villi wants to study abroad somewhere! Might I suggest the Polynesian Islands?

9:46 - Oooh, there's infighting amongst the popular girls! Seems some of them don't want to go to state schools. Meow!

9:46 - Nikki is in the kitchen and not eating. Methinks, like Drunk Erin, that we've reached the digestive TRANSITION period of the movie.

9:47 - "I took a second mortgage out. We're really THIN here." Hmm. Not saying anything.

9:50 - HAHAHAHHA. A Jenny Craig commercial. Couldn't make this up if I tried.

9:51 - Forest Whitaker is in a new Lifetime movie. He plays a black man with a wonky eye. Badum ts.

9:52 - Seeing Nikki Blonsky's simplistic pink political posters - note: no one in my high school ever actively CAMPAIGNED for homecoming king or queen - reminds me of the wonderful posters I had for my ill-fated student council run that consisted of the sheep from "Babe" imploring students to vote for me. It is probably a big reason why I lost.

Have a dilemma? Vote for Emma!

9:54 - She's literally running now....all the way home to gorge on a gallon of ice cream. Oding on cliches, cliches everywhere! I thought we had the noble transition of not eating in the kitchen before.

9:56 - I feel pretty sure that guidance counselors are not allowed to ask fat people to drop out of the homecoming race. Worst high school ever. (Must be in Arkansas.)

9:57 - Nikki seems completely awestruck by the goth girl who is about 10 pounds overweight and still has the gumption to change in the locker room aka not the bathroom stall like herself. Clap. Clap.

9:59 - I think one of the popular girls is sabotaging another popular girl's posters. Now, am I correct in assuming that the saboteur is doing this because the popular girl doesn't want to go to the same state school as her? Because seriously. That's insane.

10:01 - Now that we've reached the hour marker, I'm hoping Nikki is slowly but surely coming to the realization that Annie Potts ROCKS and does not really dress like Coulter.


10:06 - Ryan Seacrest does random commercials not affiliated with Idol? Confused. "So...he hasn't come out yet, right?" - Drunk Erin

10:07 - Even my noble cat Arnold James Grimshaw has literally turned his back on this movie.

10:08 - "You've got the crown, but SHE has the boyfriend." In conclusion, Annie Potts is still dressed like the cunty conservative who likes to get pissed on during sex.

10:09 - "Is that a papasan chair or a laundry basket?" - Emma. "Well, her clothes ARE big." - Drunk Erin. Lifetime doesn't deserve a viewing audience like this.

10:10 - "I know what you mean. I was a black girl in an all-white school." Really? Should we equate obesity with black people? Oprah, what do you think?

10:11 - There's a Yahoo! headline that says "Jessica Alba, Rosario Dawson fight violence against women." Two questions - Did this happen in Sin City? And is "fight" really the appropriate word to use for that?

10:13 - Maybe this is just me coming from the high school in the cornfields, but if we wanted coffee, I think we had to give teachers under the counter money to sneak some out of the teacher's lounge, and we DEFINITELY didn't have fancy brand name coffee cups.

10:18 - 1976 brought us a homecoming disaster in the guise of pig's blood on Sissy Spacek. 2008 has brought us a sabotaged wooden platform that almost kills a cat.

10:19 - I've been seeing that Verizon FioS kid everywhere. Little creeped out.

10:20 - Arnold James Grimshaw has returned. I think he was upset about the orange tabby that narrowly escaped death.

10:20 - There's some TV series called "Seven Things to Do Before I'm 30." The ad just involves a girl making out with a guy. Kind of think I know what one of the seven things is.

10:22 - The principal is claiming that the sabotaged wooden floaty thing is "hazing." I'm thinking it's attempted feline murder, but maybe we have different views on life.

10:23 - Popular girl just name-dropped Machiavelli. Uh-huh. I totally believe this movie is realistic.

10:24 - I think this magical Capeside school has a coffee store INSIDE of it. Not NEAR it, INSIDE it. Do you know what a continious intake of caffeine would have done for my GPA?

10:25 - The high school senior macking on the popular girl has a raging bald spot. At least James Van Der Beek just had an old FACE.

10:26 - I'm sure it's not all that common for an overweight girl to end up being homecoming queen in a high school, but I'm guessing it usually doesn't end up with the girl in question ending up on the news, being hailed as a "local hero." Transvestite? Yes. Nikki Blonsky? No.

10:28 - The plot is slowly starting to meld into Hairspray. Zac? John Travolta with creepy makeup? Where are you guys?

10:32 - Ty Pennington makes me very angry.

10:33 - This is starting to look like a 2-hour epic. Oy.

10:34 - Man, you know you're hitting rock bottom on the social register when the GOTHS call you a loser.

10:35 - Her BFF just claimed she spent her entire media interview complaining about how everyone mistreats her. Wasn't Nikki doing this from day one?

10:36 - Nikki just got suspended for three days for pushing her BFF, who then tripped and hit her head on a bike wheel. We had kids who were dealing crack outside of math class with more lenient punishments than this. I harken back to the Stalin analogy.

10:39 - Drunk Erin brought this up in passing earlier, but this IS supposed to be South Carolina and they all sound Which is an honor and everything, but factually inaccurate.

10:39 - "I voted for you." - popular girl to Nikki. All together now: AWWWWWW.

10:41 - Why is Annie Potts having this big moment of realization? Aside from the Coulter alter ego, she's been the voice of reason through this whole nightmare.

10:42 - We're getting to the point where this appears to be leading to a grudge match between the two Annie Potts. I have mixed loyalties.

10:46 - Katie Holmes looks like her old self in her new movie aka not like she's saturated with Scientology juice. Encouraging.

10:48 - Latifah is in EVERY commerical. Does she own this channel?

10:48 - Villi's wearing a puffy vest. Solidarity!

10:49 - Only way this movie redeems itself - Villi and Nikki make out, then the two Annie Pottses make out and then the tabby cat shows up for no reason and starts singing a song from Les Miserables.

10:50 - One of the annoying popular twats sounds EXACTLY like Lacie Chabert in "Mean Girls."

10:50 - Nikki is getting video messages on her laptop from fat people who are inspired by her. I want video messages!

10:51 - I cannot believe it took me an hour and 51 minutes not to make the connection between Nikki hiding her junk food in her room and Claudia Kishi doing the exact same thing in The Babysitters Club.

10:52 - Note to everyone: If you go into a fancy clothes store and say you are the mother of the famous fat girl on tv, the manager will give you whatever you want. I am going to the Pepsi plant in Purchase, NY and saying I'm the daughter of, um, a famous person who likes Diet Pepsi.

10:54 - The BFF, if you recall, had a HEAD injury, and yet she's wandering around the high school with a bandage on her arm. Hmm. Did the wound SPREAD?

10:56 - Oooh, so the girl throwing flames at the beginning was part of...I guess the color guard during the homecoming parade? Better late than never.

10:57 - I think Nikki's noble words are getting through to the football players.

10:58 - It is not clear who the homecoming king is. It could be Villi. Make out!

10:59 - No sign of the cocktail dress Annie Potts. I think I know who won the grudge match.

Friday, January 11, 2008

In Defense of the Jawline That Launched 1,000 Ships.

I have a very rare moment to blog, as I'm downloading the new iTunes update that is taking forever, presumably having something to do with my stealing the Wi-Fi from the makeshift diabetic supply store down the street that I feel is a front for a drug cartel - meaning drugs besides insulin. At any rate, with a bunch of cunty workers in Hollywood denying me the pleasure of pontificating on Globes goodness - thus making the hours spent watching Jodie Foster tool around shooting random people on subways WORTHLESS - I think it's worth noting that the emergence of Keira Knightley as a legitimate actress has spawned slanderous anorexia rumors that unfairly obscure her acting ability and the jawline that jump-started her career in the first place.

"My movie makes NO sense."

I want to make it abundantly clear that I'm not claiming Keira ISN'T anorexic. Generally speaking, people who are over 5'5 and weigh roughly 100 pounds are not getting their FDA-required nutrients. That said, I think there are two legit factors that should be considered before rushing to judgment.

1. Dramatic, public weight loss.
Think about other actresses (and if you're not liking the gender bias vis a vis eating disorders, I humbly direct you to the Wikipedia entry of that dude from Silverchair who subsisted on an apple a day for MONTHS) who are accused of being anorexics. Off the top of my head, Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Ritchie and Calista Flockhart come to mind. Why were people obsessing about their caloric intake? All three lost significant weight in the public eye, with photographic comparisons aplenty, compelling evidence when you look at the healthy visage of Lohan next to the skeletal mess walking around swimming pools. Keira rose to prominence in roughly 2002 or 2003, so if she IS anorexic/malnourished, it's a condition that stretches back to the (male) Clinton administration.


2. Ability to build muscle.
Last time I checked, it's pretty difficult to develop musculature if you're not eating anything. And yet, Keira packed on the bulging biceps for the shiteous crapfest (redundant?) Domino, which to my knowledge has only one fan - the senior online reporter for OK! magazine, whose other favorites include Working Girl and (most likely) The Brave One. Heh.

Now, granted that my reasoning is inherently flawed and has probably convinced readers that she IS anorexic, I would submit that the Jawline is the nexus of this surging hatred. As has been repeated over and over on this site, Keira Knightley has the greatest jawline this side of 1951 Brando, but it's a double edged sword - literally and figuratively. If Keira gained, say, 15 or 20 pounds, she'd still look abnormally skinny - the Jawline promotes gauntness like the wolf, which does make one wonder how much weight non-chin entity Calista Flockhart had to lose to garner the unwanted attention.

The lovechild of Kyra Sedgewick and Barbara Walters? You decide.

In conclusion, it's time to remind society why Keira's even WORTH the attention. Regardless of the second half unevenness of Atonement, it will be remembered years from now as a notable milestone in The Jaw's career, the moment when it became abundantly clear that, regardless of the seeming uniformity in all of her roles - the same period piece concept, same outfit, same behavioral qualities, etc. - she knows how to incorporate nuance into each part and come out with a different, brilliant end result. Taking into account the three bombs Natalie Portman helmed this past year - with the possibility for redemption when she inevitably acts Scarlet off the screen next month - 2007 goes to The Jaw.

The Year Of The Jaw.