Friday, January 11, 2008

In Defense of the Jawline That Launched 1,000 Ships.

I have a very rare moment to blog, as I'm downloading the new iTunes update that is taking forever, presumably having something to do with my stealing the Wi-Fi from the makeshift diabetic supply store down the street that I feel is a front for a drug cartel - meaning drugs besides insulin. At any rate, with a bunch of cunty workers in Hollywood denying me the pleasure of pontificating on Globes goodness - thus making the hours spent watching Jodie Foster tool around shooting random people on subways WORTHLESS - I think it's worth noting that the emergence of Keira Knightley as a legitimate actress has spawned slanderous anorexia rumors that unfairly obscure her acting ability and the jawline that jump-started her career in the first place.

"My movie makes NO sense."

I want to make it abundantly clear that I'm not claiming Keira ISN'T anorexic. Generally speaking, people who are over 5'5 and weigh roughly 100 pounds are not getting their FDA-required nutrients. That said, I think there are two legit factors that should be considered before rushing to judgment.

1. Dramatic, public weight loss.
Think about other actresses (and if you're not liking the gender bias vis a vis eating disorders, I humbly direct you to the Wikipedia entry of that dude from Silverchair who subsisted on an apple a day for MONTHS) who are accused of being anorexics. Off the top of my head, Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Ritchie and Calista Flockhart come to mind. Why were people obsessing about their caloric intake? All three lost significant weight in the public eye, with photographic comparisons aplenty, compelling evidence when you look at the healthy visage of Lohan next to the skeletal mess walking around swimming pools. Keira rose to prominence in roughly 2002 or 2003, so if she IS anorexic/malnourished, it's a condition that stretches back to the (male) Clinton administration.


2. Ability to build muscle.
Last time I checked, it's pretty difficult to develop musculature if you're not eating anything. And yet, Keira packed on the bulging biceps for the shiteous crapfest (redundant?) Domino, which to my knowledge has only one fan - the senior online reporter for OK! magazine, whose other favorites include Working Girl and (most likely) The Brave One. Heh.

Now, granted that my reasoning is inherently flawed and has probably convinced readers that she IS anorexic, I would submit that the Jawline is the nexus of this surging hatred. As has been repeated over and over on this site, Keira Knightley has the greatest jawline this side of 1951 Brando, but it's a double edged sword - literally and figuratively. If Keira gained, say, 15 or 20 pounds, she'd still look abnormally skinny - the Jawline promotes gauntness like the wolf, which does make one wonder how much weight non-chin entity Calista Flockhart had to lose to garner the unwanted attention.

The lovechild of Kyra Sedgewick and Barbara Walters? You decide.

In conclusion, it's time to remind society why Keira's even WORTH the attention. Regardless of the second half unevenness of Atonement, it will be remembered years from now as a notable milestone in The Jaw's career, the moment when it became abundantly clear that, regardless of the seeming uniformity in all of her roles - the same period piece concept, same outfit, same behavioral qualities, etc. - she knows how to incorporate nuance into each part and come out with a different, brilliant end result. Taking into account the three bombs Natalie Portman helmed this past year - with the possibility for redemption when she inevitably acts Scarlet off the screen next month - 2007 goes to The Jaw.

The Year Of The Jaw.


At 2:38 PM, Blogger abbichristine said...

classic emma goodness. this is why you should blog WAY more often.

At 11:00 AM, Blogger mindy said...

Hobocamp sent me. I'm glad she did - this was hilarious. Kudos!


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