Sunday, September 11, 2005

I have OCD, ergo there are more lists a-coming.

Before I begin with today's ultimate purpose, there are several things in Abbi's entry that must be rebutted like a...drunk bull during that...thing where everyone runs away from them. Fuck, what the hell was that...oooh running of the bulls. If anyone ever tries to claim I am a poser slash fake, harken back to the last two sentences. I could have deleted my thought process and sounded infinitely more intelligient. I keep it real. Anyway.
Number one: You are souless if you didn't like Angel of Mine. Best video, best song ever, and it's a damn travesty that Monica ended up in black singer oblivion with D'Angelo and Da Brat, while Brandy went on to get punk'd and had her unfunny UPN show. And I think she got knocked up and had an MTV special about it.
Number two: What is your issue with Whitney? Her dance mix songs are the definition of badass. Take one Devra and two puggles, and you have Whitney, circa 1999.
Number three: I clearly stated that I do NOT like Destiny's Child songs that repeat themselves twelve times. There's at least three of them. P.S. I saw Kelly yesterday at Radio City while Devra and I were looking for Dippin' Dots.
Number four: How dare you hate on Mariah. That woman is the musical equivalent of Martha Stewart. She takes a licking and keeps on ticking. Or singing.

I could go on, but for the record, I thoroughly enjoyed Abbi's analysis, and I'm sure we all hope she comes back soon to grace us with her presence. As an aside, we became the first people in the 40-year history of the Wall Street Transcript to do our own personal rendition of Montell Jordan's 'This is How We Do It.' It was kicking. Rolling with the homies, et cetera.

So today, I noticed that three of my favorite bloggers were tackling one of my favorite topics: overrated movies. Ace of Spades, who did some of the most amazing live blogging of that Rosie TV movie a few months ago, Protein Wisdom, who does entries devoted to fake conversations with Huey Long and Alarming News, a blog by a crazy Russian New Yorker not named Inna, have failed miserably in this task, so it is up to me to really get down on this.

1. Psycho.
I have no idea why everyone is all about this movie. I guess it's the drag queen aspect, but since I've been a loyal reader of this drag queen blog, it doesn't shock me in the way it's supposed to. Also, like Jeff at Protein Wisdom said in regards to Vertigo and this movie, Hitchcock did other much more amazing shizzle. Like Notorious, which has TWO hunkified pieces of meat in one movie. It was like On the Waterfront all over again. Going beyond the drag queens, it's boring. I've fallen asleep twice watching this, because it totally drags before and after Janet Leigh gets knifed in the shower. She's just sulking in her room for 20 minutes going, 'Shit, I just stole money,' and then afterwards there are people in that same room for 20 minutes going, 'Where is Janet Leigh?' So pointless.

OMG a drag queen is killing me! Ooh, new book title.

2. Working Girl.
I'm only including this because it got nominated for a shitload of Oscars, and it's one of those predictable two-star cliche pieces of shit. It has nothing going for it, there's more substance in my socialism class, and Melanie Griffith has never been a good actor. She brought down 'Now and Then' like the Titanic. (Which I'm NOT putting on this list because it's amazing, and, if everyone thinks it's overrated, it's not really overrated.)

"How much longer do we have to be in this movie?"

3. I Heart Huckabees.
I hated hated HATED this movie. The only good thing in it was Marky Mark, and he was just babbling about petroleum. It's very indicative of this entire crap shoot. Which has double meaning when you're talking about movies. Heh. As I have told about 20 people, I can't stand when people make a movie, are in on the joke, but are too smug and pretentious to let you in on it too. Fuck this movie. Tom Cruise should have been in it to round the whole shitfest out.

Oh, did I mention that Jude Law has the WORST American accent I have ever heard? He must have woken up and said, "Hmm, if I pronounce my R's, people will think I'm American!" You and your uncut penis can take a hike.

4. Bulworth.
I honestly don't remember a lot of people talking about how great this was, but I felt a vibe sometimes. If that makes sense. Warren Beatty will be fuckable into his 90s, but that's all I can say about this. It's completely illogical, and if a white politician ever tried to be black, they would be lynched, not accepted as 'keeping it real.' I haven't figured out what Halle Berry's purpose is, in this movie or otherwise.

How is this man still hot? Swoon.

5. Taxi Driver
Martin Scorcese made one good movie, Raging Bull. That was it. This is shit, and like Bulworth, makes no sense. I suppose the idea is that New York is depraved and a psycho Green Beret Taxi Driver can go kill a bunch of street pimps without having to worry about the consequences. I'm sorry, no. If you mutilate a whore house, you should still get in trouble. Also, watching Martin Scorcese talking about pussy in the back of a taxi is the most disturbing thing this side of Macauley's demise in 'My Girl.' Props to Robert DeNiro for having a 17-pack though.

Oh, Robert. Go box.

I feel like finishing this tomorrow, because I have a history of stretching these things out ad infinitum or something. Go read those blogs. They equal badass.


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