Sunday, August 28, 2005

Would You Like to Stay After Choir Practice and Commit Adultery With Me?

In my most extensive foray into Philanderer Bojangle 2005 Fest, I managed to land a choir teacher, of all things. It should be noted that there is an episode of Law and Order: SVU about incest with Jane Seymour, and the beginning of the show centers around...an adulterous choir teacher. I dig SVU connections like the lupus. If there's anything we've learned from the beginnings of this experiment, it's that adulterers don't have to be harried businessmen with a briefcase full of condoms. Indeed, they can have jobs that put me in direct contact with them on a daily basis. It's a lovely thought.
This fellow messaged me under the name nyteach, which somehow convinced the Crazy Russian that she had had him as a teacher at some point, even though the odds roughly coincide with me getting impregnated by the electrocuted boy in Jurassic Park.

Oops. He has AIDS there. Sorry.
The message was rather boring, I'm not even going to repeat it. Some crappola about how we could have a good time, let me be inside you, blah blah blah. I'm such a pro at these hormonally charged overture.
However, I leave no stone unturned. I emailed the guy, and I got this in reply:
hi there,
interesting email address...anything i should know about you? :)
a little about me...
my name is daniel. i am a music teacher and choral conductor. married
about 8 yrs and have a son, age 3. i live on the upper west side.
im a very sexual being...leaving inhibitions at the door is something i
can do. i love pleasing the woman im with. it's a real turn on for me.
can you tell me a little about yourself?
would you like to exchange pictures?
I look forward to hearing from you.

A THREE-YEAR-OLD KID. Good GOD. This just gets seedier and seedier. It's like the time I went into CBGBs and saw the ducttaped toilet seat, and then i looked inside the toilet and there was a used condom floating in it.
Of course I wanted to exchange pictures, though, so for the umpteenth time in a week, Crazy Mego's visage traveled through cyberspace into the sweaty lap of a predator.
Within minutes, I got this:
My picture is 2-3 years old (it's the only one I have
online)and as you can see, I am kinda bald/balding on top. (Add two
more years of hair-thinning and you get the picture.)
The good news is that I am in very good shape (6ft 190lbs) and I work
out regularly at the gym...and I think I look pretty good! (always good to
have some self-confidence.)

I'm waiting for an email that says, "I don't work out. I have bitch tits that are bigger than yours."
As for my situation, I have been married 8 yrs. The marriage is pretty
good in most areas but sex is not one of them. For whatever reason, we dont
really have much of it anymore, and neither of us seem particulary
inclined to want to do it with the other. I dont know if it's routine or
boredom...I really want to find someone new who is also looking for some
satisfaction in that area.

WHAT! Am I the only one flummoxed here? Fucking hell, if your marriage is pretty good everywhere but in the bedroom, I'd get some goddamn counseling and not risk shit by trying to get in my universe pants. Pfft.

Did your profile say you are an interior designer?
that's funny because my wife and I just hired someone to help us
decorate our apartment, sowe are working with someone now to make our place look
all nice 'n spiffy...ok maybe that's not so funny, but it made me smile.

Creepy.com/throwingupinmymouth
And here we are, a totally normal guy that looks like my father before he started being trendy and buzzing his head.

This could have ended there, but I decided to try something new: an AIM conversation. After a two-day hiatus (during which he sent me 20 emails asking if we broke up because adulterers are needier than sin), I gave him my Secret Adulterer Name, catorgasms. Like HELL I was giving him the weenie name. Literally, 90 seconds after I sent him my name, I get:
Hotmale Teach: hi...emily? it's daniel
I chortled through most of the hour we chatted. Here are the highlights:
CatOrgasms: where is your wife?
Hotmale Teach: she is watching tv in the next room
Hotmale Teach: so i cant type too loud :-)

That sent shivers down my spine, and I have sworn off marriage as a result.

Hotmale Teach: well youve done well on round 1 of my questions
Hotmale Teach: congratulations
CatOrgasms: whew.
Hotmale Teach: is there anything you want to ask me
CatOrgasms: how would i have failed the first round
Hotmale Teach: i dont really know
Hotmale Teach: maybe if you didnt seem real

HAHAHAHAHHA. Too much.

Hotmale Teach: garden state.
Hotmale Teach: did you see that?
CatOrgasms: ah yes, i did
Hotmale Teach: i liked that
Hotmale Teach: did you?
CatOrgasms: i have a girl crush on natalie portman
Hotmale Teach: she is a hottie
Hotmale Teach: i was gonna say the same thing
Hotmale Teach: and A JEW :-)

Only I could turn a conversation with a cheating husband into a Natalie Portman fest. Fact.

CatOrgasms: is your wife also jewish?
Hotmale Teach: yes she is jewish too
Hotmale Teach: im kinda hardcore if you must know
Hotmale Teach: i kinda make natalie portman look protestant

Seeing as how she's fluent in Hebrew, has Israeli citizenship and just finished making an Israeli movie, I'm kind of inclined to doubt it, but I didn't push it.

I managed to make a suave exit, but not before:
Hotmale Teach: would it be ok for me to call you like on a cell?

Sick, sick, SICK. He makes Vincent Gallo look like JP II.

As an aside, Inna managed to scare her middle-aged adulterer away by telling him she had a rectal fetish. Only Inna could frighten a sexual deviant.

2 Comments:

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