Thursday, July 28, 2005

Proving to EEG that there’s more in Illinois than Hillary Clinton’s hometown

We also have bar fights and our own white trash version of Fight Club. (Oh wait, Fight Club was white trash.) Ok, so we don’t have this in Illinois, but I speak for the Midwest in general. (But I’m not going to talk about the hot guy from the Cleveland Indians.)

I know EEG will remain forever faithful to her trashy Post, so I'm taking this opportunity to point out this article from the Times about the popularity of cage fighting in the Midwest. Really, you have to read the entire thing to get the true picture Michael Wilson is trying to paint of the Midwest. A guy named Chris is the promoter of this "human cockfighting" event, and Wilson is quick to point out that Chris' "sister, in a lacy halter...walks the cage between rounds..." I see those eyebrows raised in incestuous wonderment.

And how did this all start? “’My goal that night was to beat up the biggest tourist I could find,’ said Nate Hawn.” And of course, as all reality TV show stars and Lindsay Lohan already know, it didn’t matter if Nate had any talent. Somebody said to him “You’re exactly what we’re looking for.”

Vernon Brown from Sioux Falls City seems to have missed the Fight Club memo. "'I always say, "Where's the rule book?" They keep giving me a sheet printed off the Internet that says no eye-gouging, no fishhooks, no fingers in bodily orifices.'" Everyone, together now, The first rule of Fight Club is...

In conclusion, I have this to say: In a vast land of cornfields, cow, pigs, poop, and Land of Lincoln license plates, for Illinois and Midwest natives, getting sweaty and bruised and even bloody using various ancient East Asian techniques doesn't sound so bad. But really, no fingers in bodily orifices? Why bother?


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