Sunday, July 10, 2005

McKinley + Penis = Love

Before I get to my photo collage of incredible puggle wonderment, I must take it upon myself to once again tackle a topic that has been ignored by the world: William McKinley being a flamer. We've had 43 Presidents, some of them hot (Woodrow Wilson), some of them ogre-like (Richard Nixon), some of them dying of Oregon Trail diseases (Zachary Taylor) and some of them liking the penis. Everybody is quick to assume that Buchanan is the gay one because he was a bachelor and looked like a dachshound with a swollen head. He may indeed have drank from the cup o' homo, but McKinley is of far greater importance because he was diddling his personal advisor. Totally true. If you will refer to an American Pageant history book, it explicitly calls McKinley and Mark Hanna lovers. But then, it also made an analogy about the Russo-Japanese War with a lumbering Russian polar bear dipping its frost-bitten paws into the Sea of Japan, so it's not that credible. In conclusion, I have absolutely no evidence to back my claim up, but I feel very certain that I'm correct. I go to a school with a gay to straight ratio of 99:1. I should know by now.

I heart the cock!

Before I forget, D. B. Bogangles and I concocted a top ten list of the historical figures we would diddle if given the chance. Our lists were rather different, but our number one studmuffins were identical.
Historical Hunk of Ness:

He could tear those specs off his face and have his way with me any day of the week.
The rest of my list (which is extremely unbalanced towards modern Americans) is as follows:
Dear Charles, I will make another Lindbergh baby for you. Love, Emma

If anyone recognizes this guy, I will give you 64 of my ovaries.

I'm not putting a picture of the next guy up, because I would only bed Fidel Castro pre-revolution.
BUT, the next guy was hot from the cradle to the grave. Literally. Does anyone get the pun? No?

There are also no pictures available of John Rolfe. But he was obviously sex defined.

Do me, Gehrig. I refuse to put a picture of him up in a Yankees uniform.

I'm not putting a picture up of the Duke of Wellington either. I don't even know if the camera was invented by Waterloo or not. Since we are pressed for space and time, the other two were Sam Houston and the horse that survived Little Big Horn. Oh, yeah. You had to have an historical animal on there. D. B. picked Trigger.


You smell like pug poon.

I could eat those up. Swear.

I am SERIOUSLY printing this out and pretending it's my pug. Good God. I think I just wet myself.


At 11:59 AM, Anonymous Barry said...

I would love to see more documentation re the "McKinley being gay" rumor. Did you know Bush's "brain" Karl Rove based his whole idea of the Bush presidency on the pro-business, anti-labor, proto-fascist platform of McKinley? Of course, we can only hope his second term ends like McKinley's presidency did: he got a bullet in the head during a stop in Buffalo, NY, courtesy of an enraged anarchist (as if there were happy, well-adjusted anarchists!). Altho Rove is married with kids, there is NO WAY that butt monkey is not also sipping from the lavendar chalice, so to speak.

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