Ariel Sharon Looks Like A Bloated Tick with a Yarmulke

Once again, we are breaking ground with an expose on a previously untreated subject. If you scan the Presidential palaces and other domiciles allotted to leaders throughout the world, you will notice one commonality - they're all nasty ogres. Fidel Castro looks like a retarded crow tried to make a nest on his face and then gave up, leaving bird fetuses to rot for decades. On any given day, Ariel Sharon eats the equivalent of two Louie Andersons and a Rosie O'Donnell. Robert Mugabe looks like he has a permanent mucus trail coming out of his nostrils, and Hitler bore a strong resemblance to an extra in a really bad gay porno shot in the sewer. With animals. The fact that these people took power at all seems baffling - why would a large contingent of a given population willingly allow nasty-ass pieces of horse dung to lead their country? Now obviously, most of the examples I previously cited were dictators, but all of them rose to power on the auspices of a legitimate regime, although Castro became President basically by living in the woods and not bathing for a year until he had enough resources to storm Havana. What few realize is that most of these people we consider Borgnine-ugly were orgasmic studmuffins in their prime when they came to power.
Our first example is Mr. Castro. When he actually became the dictator of Cuba, he already had the skeezy pubic hair on his face that we know him for because he hadn't seen indoor plumbing for months, and probably wanted to look grizzled and badass anywy. BUT, Fidel was really really hot in the early 1950s when he was a college student running for the House of Representatives. I scoured the Internet for a picture of him with the John Waters mustache, but this will have to do:

Look at those eyes. You could fucking drown in his Communist orbs of sex.

Ariel Sharon is another example. He looks like a boat these days, as he appears to be living it up, Gaza-style:

This has absolutely nothing to do with anything, but it made me chortle, so I'm including it in my analysis.

Tee-hee.

Man, man, BOAT, man.
We impugn because we love. Believe it or not, this portly President was a bonafide hunk o' man back during the 1967 war.

Alright, he wasn't a svelte mongoose-like sex kitten, but he's totally chiseled and amazing.
In 1973, he looks even HOTTER.

This was probably the last decade he was able to see his penis. Perspective. It is not easy running a war-torn country without a penile visual.

If the above visuals were not enough, take a look at this picture of Robert Mugabe before he decided to rape the country of Zimbabwe:

Drool me an ocean of Mugabe.


Ooh, there he is when, uh, Muhammed Ali...visited Zimbabwe. Back when he didn't shake all the time. If I was a British nanny accused of killing a baby by shaking it to death, I would blame him. No one would believe you, but all of the prisoners in your cell would probably get turned on by it.