Monday, June 20, 2005

Breaking News: Saddam Is Nice to Troops So They Don't Take Him to One of his Own Rape Rooms

It never ceases to amaze me what constitutes news these days. If you have blond hair and blue eyes and you disappear, the coverage of all other events in the world will stop abruptly to provide minute-by-minute updates and reiterate that a pretty girl disappeared. Can you honestly remember the last time a homely nasty thing with warts went missing? It undoubtedly happens, but not according to any reputable news source. So it should have come as no surprise today that a story about Saddam's behavior towards the troops who guarded him ended up becoming a hot news item in a matter of seconds. My favorite quote is undoubtedly this tidbit about Saddam's Presidential preferences:
GQ magazine's July issue says Saddam greatly admired President Reagan and thought President Clinton was "OK," but had harsh words for both President Bushes.

How is that newsworthy?? How is knowing that Saddam didn't like either of the two Presidents who invaded his country considered epochal? It's like the NY Times or the Washington Post running a story that says 'Osama doesn't like countries where the official religion is not Islam.' Like, no shit.

Also mentioned is that Saddam likes Raisin Bran and Cheetos. I myself like Goldfish crackers. Was that a yawn I just heard? Exactly! NOBODY GIVES A SHIT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE EAT UNLESS THEY'RE IN THE DONNER PARTY OR ARE NAMED KATE MOSS. I could totally back this up.

Dangerously...cheesy batshit insane fucktard who gassed his own people.

In other news...
"Please see me in the most incredible movie ever, coming out this Friday!"

Yes. I have been talking about "March of the Penguins" forever and a day, and the story "as told by Morgan Freeman" is set to take the world by storm in less than four days. There is nothing more badass than a gelatinous penguin waddling to the depths of the earth and make for a fellow penguin lovah. Nothing. Anyone that tells you to see "War of the Worlds" instead is a pile of menses.

"Anyone that doesn't see my movie is a JERK. A real big jerk. Do you think that's funny? That's RUDE. I'm here trying to promote myself and pretend I'm straight and you're being a JERK."


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