Wednesday, June 15, 2005

How to be the Most Useless Human Being on the Planet and Still Make More Money than the Founder of Boar's Head Meat

Before we get started, I would like to take this moment to acknowledge the continued success of my future gynocologist, Maximillion Bojangles, one of the most dapper and intelligient men on the face of the planet. One day when he's not occupied with his medical school search, he may post something on here. We can only wait with baited breath.
Maximillion Bojangles, M.D.

Last week, Oprah Winfrey realized she hadn't been in the news since she told 50 million bored housewives to read William Faulkner books. Fearing that her existence might be eclipsed by a brainwashed Katie Holmes or worse, a moonwalking child molester, she quickly went to her emergency option: reminding people that she is black. Yes, some may have forgotten that Oprah has African blood running through her veins, but the "Beloved" star proudly trotted over to South Africa this week to speak at her "Best of Life" seminar in Johannesburg and inform the world that her DNA can be linked to the Zulu tribe.
Historically, I have been hard on our friend Oprah. I found her book club to be narcissitic and horrid. In fact, if you take a look at the list of previous books that she has recommended for said club, you'll see that 99% of them are Toni Morrison books. For those who have not had the privilage of reading any of Ms. Morrison's works, they're always about black people, they're always interlaced with primitive black slang that would get a white writer lynched if they had the gall to print it themselves, and most importantly, they suck the big one. My theory has been all along that Oprah was aware of Toni's mediocrity and merely championed her career so that she could star in the film adoptation of her most popular book and thus bring more validity to her own suspect occupation. I digress.
The bottom line is that no one gives a rat's ASS where Oprah's DNA is from. If she had said she was genetically linked to a mountain goat, it would be really funny, but still irrelevant. The fact that Oprah thinks it's pertinent to even broadcast her heritage when she has distanced herself as far as she possibly could from her humble beginnings makes this publicity stunt all the more pathetic. Please, Oprah. Go back to what you do best: giving away crappy Pontiacs to people that don't need them.


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