Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Newsies Can Fly!

Before I begin, I would like to call everyone's attention to these helpful hints released by the Alaska Science Forum that contain necessary information if you're ever wandering around the tundra looking for a gazelle to munch on and accidentally run into a bear instead. I don't think gazelles live in the Northern Hemisphere, so pretend I said a caribou. For those of you who have seen Arnold Schwarzenegger's cinematic debut in which he grapples with a guy in a bear suit in Central Park, this report should be the metaphorical bucket of cold water you need to bring yourself back to the reality of the almighty grizzly:

Now that we've gotten our daily orsine fix, on to more important matters: the long-awaited emergence of Christian Bale as an international movie star. Yes, it's true, it's about to happen. For over a decade I have patiently waited for this moment. My initial suspicions of his potential to generate female orgasms and box office gold were piqued in the early Emma years when I encountered this piece of majesty at a slumber party for one of my friends who turned out to be an enormous, traitorous cunt, but that's beside the point. Newsies are the sexiest creatures to ever grace the surface of this planet, especially when they've been Disney-ized and no longer smell of the foul odors they naturally would have in the manure-infested streets of turn-of-the-century New York. Or if they're portrayed by a Welsh actor with a Brooklyn accent. (How has this man not gotten into my stud notebook? Somebody put him in immediately.)
Before you take my declarations as baseless crap, allow me to direct you to one of the most positive reviews the New York Post has ever printed:
Batman is the superhero who isn't; he's not an apple-cheeked god like Superman or a sticky-fingered Tinkerbell like Spider-Man, he's just an irate citizen -Rudy Giuliani with a gym membership. Christian Bale, by far the best actor ever to put on pointy ears (sorry, Adam West), plays him like a soldier, a defensive tackle or a wrestler: like a man who takes a beating every day and comes back for more.
The greatest thing about this article? Not one reference to Katie Holmes' acting ability.


At 3:20 PM, Blogger Fishhead said...

Katie who?


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