Saturday, June 18, 2005

Christina Aguilera Concert: This Thursday, Guantanamo Bay. BYOB!

Advocating the torture of other human beings, even the real cocksucking ones that the military keeps picking up outside of Fallujah, should make anyone uncomfortable, even if they're right in theory. It's hard to argue with the claim that pissing on a guy's Koran or making him endure extreme temperatures is a good thing if it subsequently yields information that could save people later on. However, when you have penis-shaped Vice-Presidents saying, "Meh! Torture is amazing! Meh!" the argument kind of loses its luster.
From what I've read and seen on my favorite channel ever, C-SPAN 2, the actual torture going on in Cuba (pronounced "Cooba" because it reminds me of that nutcase in "Jerry Maguire,") isn't torture. Sure, you have Dick Durbin blathering on about how it's something the Nazis or the Stalinists would have advocated, but Dick Durbin is all kinds of crazy. He likes distorting history to amuse himself. He reminds me of Robert Byrd when he goes off on those Alzheimer-induced orations about Jesus when he's supposedly up on the podium talking about highway expansion or saving the cranes.
What has been grist for the comedic circuit has been the recent revelations that the Muslim insurgents have been tortured with, of all things, Christina Aguilera music. What has NOT been disclosed or worse, perhaps deemed insignificant, is which specific songs are being played on the Guantanamo P.A system. Is it just her self-titled debut album? Is it the Christmas LP? Is it "Stripped?" Is it all three albums running concurrently for hours on end?
If I was an advisor in Guantanamo Bay and I had to choose the Christina musical selections, I would have to pick the first album. It's absolute shit. Even if the suspected terrorists are getting their afghans in a twist over the fact that a female is singing about her ding dong, they won't be able to ignore the fact that her first album sucks the big one, especially that overplayed rancid fecal matter "What A Girl Wants." HOWEVER. If they're actually playing them selections from "Stripped," we need to change the entire staff down there. Hell, we might as well transfer the entire chain gang to the Times Square Marriot and treat them to some $40 filet mignon. That album is incredible. Furthermore, hearing a song like "Fighter" can not be a good message to send to incarcerated criminals. If it turns out that the suspected 20th hijacker is watching the music video for "Dirrty," I propose disbanding the entire military.
In conclusion:
This is torture, gulag-style:

This is incredibleness defined:

Why don't we give each individual prisoner his own Playstation system so he can play Grand Theft Auto when he isn't being interrogated for taking a semi and shooting a few pieces of lead into American soliders? I should have Donald Rumsfeld's job. Fo serious.


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