Why Penguins Will Take Over the World - And It's a Good Thing.

Before tonight, my penguin education was based largely on a book my 2nd grade teacher used to read to us on the alphabet carpet while I picked my nose. It was called "Mr. Popper's Penguins," and it basically encouraged elementary school children to kidnap penguins, get a shitload of ice, and keep them hostage in a cold bathtub. I had much more fun listening to the Amelia Bedelia stories, so the significance of the almighty penguin was largely lost on me - until tonight. I have tasted the sweet nectar of the penguin gods, and it is good. As I was discussing with my loyal comrade D. B. Bogangles III, the only thing that would make the documentary "March of the Penguins" any better is if Sidney Poitier glided by on a floating ice castle and yelled something Mr. Tibbs-like. That is an impossibility, since Sidney would have survived about 2 seconds in the Antarctic because he is endowed with a sonorous voice, not a pelt of fat. Which basically means that Ted Kennedy could probably bop around down there for a while, but again. I'm dreaming.
After witnessing this incredibleness, I have come to the conclusion that penguins will supersede humanity and rule the world by 2039. This does not mean that we will be exterminated as a species; rather, we will finally be at the helm of amazing leadership that this world has never seen before, unless you count Bambi's dad, and I don't think you should because he was a deadbeat and horrid father. What am I basing this on?
1. Penguins don't have to eat for months at a time.
This cuts down on food bills and makes for a significantly less confining lifestyle. They can basically travel across the world without stopping, making diplomacy efficient like what.
2. They can swim at the speed of bottle rockets.

I'm not actually sure when this would come in handy, unless there's an eel mafia or something out to get the penguin leadership. Shrug. It just looked really cool.

3. Robert Byrd is not a penguin.

I feel nothing more needs to be said on the subject.

In other news, Tom Cruise killed a moose by shoving Ritalin down its throat. You believed me for a second. Because it's totally possible. The man is crazier than the love child of Charles Sumner and Robert Mugabe. Ha. It would be a caned mulatto baby. This deserves a visual.
So this guy:

got caned

but then he got fisted by this guy:


and made this:

Nope. Not flaming in the least. Just the offspring of a batshit dictator and a caned Senator.