Saturday, June 25, 2005

Nipple! I Mean, People!

There was a brief moment about two hours ago where I forgot my username and thought I would have to abandon Weenie Enema per sempre. It is a scary thought, but everything is okay now.

Tonight's issue has been discussed across the country for the last decade, but definitely needs to be publicized, because people just don't get it: Koko the gorilla is fucking dumb as bricks. She has the mentality of those kids I went to preschool with who used to orgasm slash drool over Legos, eat them and then cry when they came out the other end.

But wait? Doesn't Koko know sign language? In a sense, I suppose that is true. Her ability to repeat three or four hand gestures won her an appearance on "Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood," and Fred certainly wasn't the only one to give her mad props. However, I am about to give you earth shattering evidence that Koko is having an affair with her trainer and only knows one sign.
I encourage everyone on the globe to go to and take a look at some of the videos they have of Koko being amazing. My friend M. A. Coppenrath and I particularly enjoy the one where Nbuko is thrown into a cage with her in an attempt to start up some centuries-old gorilla mating ritual and he ends up freaking out and throwing fruit at her. It's incredible. There's also a lovely Christmas video in which her trainer buys her hundreds of dollars worth of gorilla crap and Koko only plays with the wrapping paper. Apparently Penny never got the memo that Koko is a gorilla and hence is not able to appreciate material possessions.
The visual evidence that really seals the deal though is the interview with Mr. Rogers. Here is an unofficial transcript of what went down between the two of them:

Koko checks Mister Rogers' mouth, and grooms his eyebrows.
K: Visit hurry. Chase hurry go foot.
MR: That's your foot.
MR: May I tickle your foot?
Koko doesn't respond, but he tickles her foot. Koko lets him tickle for a moment, then moves his hand.
K: Hurry.
Mister Rogers moves his foot over and Koko lifts his pants leg, then unties his shoe.

It gets really graphic after that, and I'd hate to lose readership because of a wayward gorilla, but the above dialogue encapsulates my entire theory. A crackho shoved a bunch of random signs into Koko's head, and now the fucking thing just signs them at whim. If she's uncertain what to say, she goes with her old mainstay: "Koko love."

K: Hurry...
P: Can we talk a little bit about love?
K: Frown.
P: Frown? Oh, honey! What? Love?
K: Love you visit... (To Mister Rogers.)
MR: Love. (Trying the sign.)
K: ...Koko-love.

There has also been a reported incident in which Koko was speaking to someone with Penny the trainer translating, and she signed "nipple." Rather than admit that her gorilla is as dumb as sin, Penny claimed she meant "people" because it rhymed. Shrug. My knowledge of sign language is based on Babysitters Club #16, Jessi's Secret Language, so unless Koko invades Stoneybrook, CT, so I can't be absolutely certain this doesn't make any sense.

Every caption I thought up was too gross to type, so just gaze and sigh.

As a closing thought, someone thought Jeff Bridges would be perfect for the title role of "The Giver," but it wasn't me. Am I the only one that thinks Morgan Freeman should just take on every role ever created? Black Giver!


At 6:26 PM, Blogger chris said...

Francine "Penny" Patterson is crazy delusional, maybe scarily so.

Don't take my word for it! Just Google the transcript of the chat session in which Penny "translated" between Koko and a bunch of very confused AOLers. See for yourself — Penny is reading into gestures Koko keeps making in an effort to provoke Penny into giving her a treat. Native users of American Sign Language who see a “conversation” between Koko and Penny know that this is what is going on.

Penny is not a scientist, if you understand “scientist” to mean a person who allows full access to her data for peer review. She controls all the research and finances at her foundation with a man named Dr. Ron Cohen, who used to be a scientist in a completely different field, but since he first trained a camera on Koko and Penny has come to make a nice living controlling the film which should be, but is not, shared with as raw data with the scientific community. According to their Gorilla Foundation web site, Dr. Cohen is “an authority figure” for gorillas whose “presence is an integral part of their daily routine”, a worryingly odd choice of words which begs explanation more than it clarifies.

Penny appears in public to raise money to move herself, family, and gorillas to a fabulous new 70-acre estate in Maui. Tourists and their dollars will be encouraged there, but she will not be allowing the kind of access that would make it a scientifically valuable institution.

What seems to be driving Penny crazy is her need to believe she is not delusional or running a scam. It's possible she actually believes that she and Koko are really having a conversation, as many (including National Geographic Magazine) have been fooled into thinking. But some part of Penny must have some doubt, because otherwise, why does she hide from her peers? I think some part of her knows and is constantly looking over her shoulder, wondering who will clue in and tell on her. If I’m right, this would help to explain the wild control-freak behavior she is being accused of in court, most of which is garden-variety “psycho boss” stuff which is not as dramatic as the weird “nipple” thing.

About the nipple fetish, it’s obvious Penny either can’t or won’t stop Koko from grabbing people’s nipples, because on TV’s Monster Garage, Koko grabbed for Jessie James’ nips in front of millions of viewers. It’s a creepy thought, but Penny apparently is not a good enough animal trainer to teach Koko not to do that, and instead indulges her like some sad pet owner who doesn’t command enough authority to get it across to their dog that humping legs is just not acceptable behavior and will not be tolerated. Animals can’t be controlled by delusional, indulgent people who deny the very nature of their animals — humanizing them as roommates, pals, or babies. Watch and learn from the great Cesar Milano of The Dog Whisperer show on the National Geographic Channel! In the case of a dangerous wild animal who is allowed contact with people, it could be a recipe for disaster.

Fransine “Penny” Patterson’s scientific malpractice, mistreatment of employees, incompetence as an animal keeper, and apparent weird detachment from reality should be exposed for the world to see and learn from, and her foundation should be taken from her and her cronies and given to responsible parties who can rationally debate and decide what should be done with them.


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