Nipple! I Mean, People!

There was a brief moment about two hours ago where I forgot my username and thought I would have to abandon Weenie Enema per sempre. It is a scary thought, but everything is okay now.

Tonight's issue has been discussed across the country for the last decade, but definitely needs to be publicized, because people just don't get it: Koko the gorilla is fucking dumb as bricks. She has the mentality of those kids I went to preschool with who used to orgasm slash drool over Legos, eat them and then cry when they came out the other end.

But wait? Doesn't Koko know sign language? In a sense, I suppose that is true. Her ability to repeat three or four hand gestures won her an appearance on "Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood," and Fred certainly wasn't the only one to give her mad props. However, I am about to give you earth shattering evidence that Koko is having an affair with her trainer and only knows one sign.
I encourage everyone on the globe to go to koko.org and take a look at some of the videos they have of Koko being amazing. My friend M. A. Coppenrath and I particularly enjoy the one where Nbuko is thrown into a cage with her in an attempt to start up some centuries-old gorilla mating ritual and he ends up freaking out and throwing fruit at her. It's incredible. There's also a lovely Christmas video in which her trainer buys her hundreds of dollars worth of gorilla crap and Koko only plays with the wrapping paper. Apparently Penny never got the memo that Koko is a gorilla and hence is not able to appreciate material possessions.
The visual evidence that really seals the deal though is the interview with Mr. Rogers. Here is an unofficial transcript of what went down between the two of them:

Koko checks Mister Rogers' mouth, and grooms his eyebrows.
K: Visit hurry. Chase hurry go foot.
MR: That's your foot.
MR: May I tickle your foot?
Koko doesn't respond, but he tickles her foot. Koko lets him tickle for a moment, then moves his hand.
K: Hurry.
Mister Rogers moves his foot over and Koko lifts his pants leg, then unties his shoe.

It gets really graphic after that, and I'd hate to lose readership because of a wayward gorilla, but the above dialogue encapsulates my entire theory. A crackho shoved a bunch of random signs into Koko's head, and now the fucking thing just signs them at whim. If she's uncertain what to say, she goes with her old mainstay: "Koko love."

K: Hurry...
P: Can we talk a little bit about love?
K: Frown.
P: Frown? Oh, honey! What? Love?
K: Love you visit... (To Mister Rogers.)
MR: Love. (Trying the sign.)
K: ...Koko-love.

There has also been a reported incident in which Koko was speaking to someone with Penny the trainer translating, and she signed "nipple." Rather than admit that her gorilla is as dumb as sin, Penny claimed she meant "people" because it rhymed. Shrug. My knowledge of sign language is based on Babysitters Club #16, Jessi's Secret Language, so unless Koko invades Stoneybrook, CT, so I can't be absolutely certain this doesn't make any sense.


Every caption I thought up was too gross to type, so just gaze and sigh.

As a closing thought, someone thought Jeff Bridges would be perfect for the title role of "The Giver," but it wasn't me. Am I the only one that thinks Morgan Freeman should just take on every role ever created? Black Giver!