Saturday, July 09, 2005

Lil Kim + Morbidly Obese Rapper = Ew.

I took a week hiatus in protest of the fact that nobody but me ever writes anything here. After realizing that nobody was going to write and nothing I could do was ever going to change that, I took a shower, polished off a Fuze Strawberry Guava and here I am.
Lil' Kim, aka "The Queen Bee" aka "Slut of Ness," was sentenced to a year and a day in prison for protecting her homeboys. While Ms. Lil' will go down in history as one of the stupidest criminals ever - who lies about something that video footage can easily refute? - it turns out Kim also has the worst taste in men ever, namely the departed rapper the Notorious B.I.G. Mr. Biggie was gunned down when I was in middle school, so I wasn't particularly hip to his music, but lets remind our readers what he looked like:

To recap, Mr. Biggie was consuming about 15,000 calories a day, had a lazy eye and was a gun-toting criminal. Any questions?
I have never been a fan of putting people in prison for lying. I think they should be publically humiliated and forced to grope Dick Clark in the middle of a freeway or something. If that happened to me, I would never lie about anything again. Ever.

Now, this is not some anti-black diatribe. There are plenty of black guys I would hunker down with on a cold, windy night. Observe:

And making his 744th appearance...

Mimsy Mimsy, an extremely talented literotica writer on livejournal, compiled her top ten list of fictional characters she would sleep with. It's an incredible assortment of creatures, including an awkward deer and Agamemnon from the Trojan War. Mine is better.
Number one.

Number two.

Number three.

Number four.

Number five.

Number six.

Number seven.

Number eight.

Number nine.

Number ten.

Can you imagine a night of passion with two erstwhile teenage detective phenoms? Swoon times infinity.


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